Debbie

Hi all

Not sure if you read in another post that I went to my first meeting last night. It was good. I think I have a long way to go before I get through all this, to make me happy. But I plan on going again. It wasn't as formal as I expected and they were all so nice. A lot of new people, first time people, telling my story so it seemed. I got a lot of literature and that is my plan for this evening. Vegging, doing nothing.....just reading, educating myself.

Have a question though. I am still feeling bad for him. How can I?? After everything that happened, still worry about him? I know I love him and that's probably the reason. It would be so much easier if I didn't. I felt so much (love, pain, and so many other emotions ripping at my insides) when I heard his voice on Wednesday. They told me he might be coming home today but I didn't hear anything so I called to ask. Not sure if I am prepared for him to just walk right in the door. His counselor told me he will be staying through the weekend and may get released on Monday with an out patient plan. I was kind of relieved. I figured maybe I should go see him on some what neutral ground before he gets out to see how we both react. His counselor told me, that he (hubby) assumed that I wouldn't come to see him. I was hurt that he thought that I would feel that way. I may not be able to live with the man and even that remains to be seen, but what would make him think that I wouldn't want to see him. Do I have that right to feel hurt that he would think like this? I am thinking that maybe he finally realized that he crossed the line.

Anyway, the counselor was going to tell him to fill out a visitor sheet for me and I am planning to go for the visit, perhaps another step for me. You need to attend a 12 step meeting before the visit, I am assuming they explain the program. Anyway, I am a little anxious about the whole thing. You know miss him, love him, worry about it all happening again.

Any way, thanks for letting me vent again for the umpteenth time. Always makes me feel better and home you don't mind me hogging the board now and then.

Going to go make dinner. Have a good night everyone!!

Take care.
Many hugs.
Love,
Debbie

JT

Hi Debbie,

I was so glad to hear that your meeting went well! Keep going back!

All of your feelings are totally normal. You can't trust him or believe him, you are afraid of him but yet you love him. Right now he is sober and remorseful and it has been my experience that that is when they can be be their most manipulative...but that is me and my story. All you can do is keep vegging and reading and learning and getting stronger. And fortify your escape plan if he should move back in..be sure you can go if you need to. Whatever decision that you make will be the right one for where you are today. Trust that!

Paula

Debbie

Hey Paula (singing that song again )

Glad to hear that my feelings are normal. Its driving me nuts.

I do plan on going back next week to the next meeting. There really aren't too many meetings close to me so I will go whe I can.

Thanks for your encouragement.

I guess I need to vent just a little more. I mentioned the visit tomorrow. Well, that is tomorrow. He was allowed to make a phone call tonight and I thought he might call me. I was wrong. He called his mother!! That really hurt. I am starting to get the feeling maybe he doesn't want to see me, which of course is his choice. But you know did I mention it hurts? His mom seems to think he finally realized he may loose me over all this which could be true, but don't you think he should talk to me? maybe deal with a few issues? I don't know much about this rehab recovery place, maybe its all about them but shouldn't the spouse be some what involved?

Anyway, I relax and then after hearing this emotions are high yet again. That damn roller coaster ride I hate so much.

Oh well, I guess its something I need to work out for myself.

Thanks for listening yet again.

Will let you know how it goes.

Take care.
Many hugs.
Love,
Debbie

Dannygirl

Evening Deb,

I know what you mean about walking away from the first meeting realizing how FAR you have to go. And maybe it's just because I'm still so new at this, but it sure does seem to me like this is not a trip. You don't go from point "A" to "B". You can't go from hurt to okay. I understood this to be a daily journey. Everyday is another step with no real "final" destination. I could be wrong though....God knows it wouldn't be the FIRST time, or for that matter the Last!

Your second post mentioned that shouldn't it be about the two of you and shouldn't he contact you? I hate to say this, but right now he needs to focus on him the way you are trying to focus on you. It's been my experience, in ANY relationship, if you're not happy with you, you can't be happy as a team. Maybe right now you both need to work on yourselves - then worry about each other and the relationship.

((((Deb)))) I hope you know I'm trying to help by playing Devil's Advocate. I certainly understand where Paula was coming from with "manipulative" but I still believe firmly that every "A" has to be judged individually. My father was very manipulative, but both my brother and my husband were very passive and very submissive.

Hang in there sweetie - and as for the board HOG AWAY! That's why every one of us is here!



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**Dannygirl**
AOL Screenname: Phxhags3

Morning Glory

Hey Debbie,
Be careful and take it a step at a time. I think it's a good idea to visit before he comes home. You are in a safer place there to discuss everything and get a take on his state of mind. I know how all of this hurts. Maybe he saw how strong you have been and felt he could get his needs met easier by calling his mother. You know how sick us mothers are with our alcoholic sons. Keep posting. I'm always glad to hear from you. I think you are the only one on when I'm still awake. I also like reading the replys to your posts.

Morning Glory

[This message has been edited by Morning Glory (edited April 05, 2002).]

Debbie

Hey Danny

You can be devils advocate anytime. Helps me put things in perspective. I think I know deep down we need to focus on our individual recoveries. It just hurts, that he would call his mom before me. Many issues to work through I know. The chairpersons of the meeting last night were coming up on their 5 year anniversaries I believe. They said they are still learning. It's an ongoing process, it's not like taking a course and getting a grade. Don't we wish it could be that easy

And Morning Glory

I am taking it one step, one day at a time. I will go to see him and get a feel of things. I suppose maybe he thought he could talk to his mom easier because she's bailed him out so to speak more than I have. I also suggested she may want to go to an al-anon meeting. I noticed in my area they have a lot of mid morning meetings, ones I can't get to because of working.

I am on this computer at all times. I think this became my refuge to run away from him. I get up early before work to come on line and then I am always on after work. It's a little obsession I have that I need to work on

You guys take care and thanks for all your words of wisdom. I sure don't have any wisdom yet but I am working on it.

Take care.
Many hugs.
Love,
Debbie

JT

...And there is always the possibilty that he is so horrified by what he did that he dosn't know what to say to you. My son tends to retreat after a blow out. But only time will tell..Paula

Debbie

Hi Paula

I think you may be right, but who knows. I am getting more anxious as the time grows nearer. Maybe its a good thing his mom is going too. She says she isn't staying long to give us time to talk. Strange how things work out. Only time will tell.....

Have a great day!

Many hugs.
Love,
Debbie