I need help.

Old 09-17-2014, 05:22 AM
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Unhappy I need help.

ABF drinking. Sending me facebook messages about how he's so upset that a girl in his class has a boyfriend, that he'd be so much better for her than her current bf. This is a girl he said he was going to leave me for. I told him it bothered me and now hes accusing me of sending 'sexts' to my ex boyfriend.

Why can't I leave...
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Old 09-17-2014, 05:44 AM
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Kurapika, I'm so sorry for the reason you're here--but I'm glad that you are here. I've been a SR member for a long time, and I've always found lots of support and comfort here.

I wish I had some advice or words of wisdom to share. I struggle heartily with relationship issues and I know you must be experiencing a lot of pain and confusion. I'm in a relationship right now that's less than healthy for me, and I also struggle with leaving. I've been almost in crisis mode for the past three weeks or so--and been using up all my energy and strength on figuring out "what to do about him." I had a moment of enlightenment last night--I suddenly remembered--I can't control him.

If I spend my time stalking his every move and wondering what he's doing or who he's talking to--I'm hurting myself. People have advised me to just leave now, etc., but it's hard for me right now--and I don't feel ready. I've decided to just take things one day at a time and just do the best I can right now. I'm trying to let his issues go and focus on mine. I've found an Al-Anon meeting in my area that I think I will try next time and I'm going to go back to focusing on taking care of me and building up a support system. When I'm feeling ready and the time is right, I will make my move--but I feel like only I can make that decision.

I hope that you'll find as much support here as I have over the years.
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Old 09-17-2014, 05:48 AM
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I was with ABF for 19 months. I put up with A LOT during that time. But when I found out he was cheating (emotional, not physical, like yours), that was my bottom. It's only been 8 days and each day I get stronger. You need to decide what is best for you.
I wish you strength
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Old 09-17-2014, 06:18 AM
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Sounds like this guy is playing a lot of mind games with you. Do you live together?
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Old 09-17-2014, 06:54 AM
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Why can't I leave...

When you accept that you deserve better – then you will leave.

Right now you don’t think you do - so you stay.
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Old 09-17-2014, 06:59 AM
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I'm sorry this is happening to you. I too am trying to leave but not really feeling ready. My AH is not living in the home with me. We will have been married for 2 months on the 21. It has been hell. I allowed myself to be sucked back in after a good week of no contact. I don't know what is going to happen but I am keeping my distance and letting his actions speak not his words. I watching and waiting. One day at a time. I hope things stay good. I'm setting some boundaries and seeing how he handles them. IMO do like me. Keep your distance and watch what he DOES. Only you know when you have had enough. Until then I will be here to support your decision and help you if I can if it goes bad. Getting away and never looking back is probably best for both of us but I can't just give up on my husband quite yet. I half or more than half expect I will get emotionally hurt but it's my choice just like it is yours.

Keep posting and do what is right for you. Big hugs!!!

Mischa.
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Old 09-17-2014, 07:00 AM
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Kurapika you CAN leave, but you don't seem ready yet.

Before I was able to have a healthy, positive, fulfilling relationship with someone else, I had to build a healthy, positive, fulfilling relationship with myself. Until I took the time and energy to focus on myself and do that, I kept accepting the unacceptable, and settling for crumbs from people who were fundamentally unavailable to me emotionally. While I was still broken, I attracted other broken people, and eventually I figured out that two broken people don't make a whole.

If you really want to find out why you aren't ready to leave someone who treats you so shabbily, I highly recommend finding a counselor and/or attending Al-Anon and focusing on yourself. Sending you strength and courage and lots of hugs.
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Old 09-17-2014, 04:41 PM
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Seriously? Your boyfriend is upset that he can't be with another girl because she has a boyfriend? Did I read that right?
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Old 09-17-2014, 06:35 PM
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I'm sorry you are going through this, but you're in a great place to get support in helping you make the decision that is best for you. Being stuck in the hurt and indecision that comes with doing what your head is telling you is the right thing to do, but your heart - for some reason - is still willing to put up with, is not a pleasant place to be. It is an unrelenting war within.

We all have different reasons for staying, but a common reason for leaving - when we finally decided "enough is enough". But only you can decide when you have had enough.

Why did I stay? Because sober, he was an amazing person. A caring, thoughtful, genuine, funny, educated, hard-working, financially stable, respectful, and generous man. Everything I had been looking for in a partner.

Why didn't I leave? Well, you might think it was for the same reasons I stayed. Aren't they the same? Nope. I learned the reason I didn't leave just the other night when I found the courage to attend my first recovery group meeting at church. What I had intended to share was so very different than what I actually shared. In my head, it was all about him. But in my heart, it was all about me. I found myself sharing that I struggle with fear of abandonment and low self-worth. I'm never "good enough". And when a relationship begins to fall apart, whether through time or circumstance, I hold on for dear life - in a futile attempt to prove that I'm "good enough", and to avoid being abandoned. I don't let go, even when I *know* it's in my best interest to do so. I hang on until the other person finally says "enough is enough" and lets go... and I'm left dealing with the damage my inability to let go has caused me, which only serves to further reinforce my feelings of abandonment and that I wasn't "good enough". In my relationship, I thought if only I was "good enough", he'd choose me over the drink.

Your reasons for not leaving may be very different from mine. But if you give an honest look within, you might find - as I did - that they have everything to do with you, and very little (if anything) to do with him. Be gentle with yourself when you find those reasons. We are all a work in progress.
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Old 09-18-2014, 12:16 AM
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Haha yes Ursula, you read that right.

I've been here for about a week now, and I can't thank you all enough for keeping me sane. Doing small things for me to help me start believing that I'm good enough (mostly throwing myself into my studies, they're actually coming along okay for once!).

I'm still mostly wrapped up in him, but I'm determined to get myself back. I used to be so self-confident... hopefully that hasn't gone completely.

I still feel like... if there was some way to show him how much I hurt, maybe he'd care. How do you combat that? I feel like its probably not a very productive thought process.
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Old 09-18-2014, 05:08 AM
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I wasted a lot of time trying to make my ex "get it", he still doesn't and might not ever. Validation is nice, but it it not going to come from someone who is active in addiction.
The best way is to do what you're doing- stay busy with something productive and resist the impulse to enmesh yourself with him any more. Work on building your confidence and self esteem so that you can start providing your own validation.
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Old 09-18-2014, 05:48 AM
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Originally Posted by Kurapika View Post
I still feel like... if there was some way to show him how much I hurt, maybe he'd care. How do you combat that? I feel like its probably not a very productive thought process.
It is not. Your desire to try to trigger his impulse to take care of you is understandable, but honey, he is not capable of taking care of himself. Also you don't need him to take care of you. You've been doing that the whole time you've been with him, you just haven't realized it. We are always stronger than we think we are, but it is a big step to trust in that. Take your time, focus as much as possible on you and as little as possible on him and you will get there.
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