james186

My millionth attempt at moderation failed last week and I've ended up ********* a few times. Last night a flew off the handle and said some really hurtful things to my partner. Some of them needed to be said and some of them didn't. Either way, how I handled it was terrible. We've been having some problems (or I have) with our relationship and it all came flooding out in a drunken rant. She won't talk to me, and she's furious and upset.

The problem also is I can't even remember half of what I said. I apologized but it isn't enough.

I've only been drinking because she likes to drink, I can't seem to get her interested in doing anything else. It's the only thing we seem to do together. I feel like I've really been trying to make the relationship work (she has a lot of complicated baggage) and I'm not getting much back. Every time I drink I end up really angry and depressed and it all came spilling out in the worst possible way.

Jupiters

Sorry you're going through this, but if drinking is the only thing you guys do together, don't you think that's a problem? Especially if you are honestly trying to get sober?
May be time to sit down and have a serious, sober talk.

IOAA2

Hi James. When I first tried to stop drinking I was dishonest with myself about my drinking. Part of my problem was I was undisciplined in living and wanted everything my way like a pouty child. When the inner pain got bad enough I was convinced my way wasn’t working at all and changes needed to come into my life. I/we don’t like change so I dragged my feet until the pain was unbearable and I surrendered to the fact that I cannot drink in safety.
Then the work began and slowly recovery was working IF I followed directions of those with some sober time. Today life is what I used to call a dream with mostly good things happening if I let them.

BE WELL

james186

Yes. I think her drinking is a problem irrespective of my own too. She drinks every day, usually a bottle of wine. That is on top of the odd night out or whatever. She doesn't see that as a problem, but I do, I think it's too much and it's costly. She doesn't get "drunk" and start acting out, so it doesn't appear to be a problem in her mind or anybody else's. I always end up thinking I'm projecting my problem onto her and drop the subject.

james186

I'm quite willing to face up to my problems, but I've been burying my head in the sand concerning hers. I want the relationship to work, but don't want to face the fact that it won't if we/she carries on drinking. Right now I feel like my entire life is in the hands of other people and it's driving me nuts. Her drinking rubbing off on me is just another example of many. I seem to be meeting resistance from all sides when I try to change anything for the better. The change that I expect will eventually come won't be the good sort - the relationship will end. Alcohol is so engrained in her/her family's lives, if she has to choose me the booze, I know which one it will be.

IOAA2

That may be what it takes. Try to remember that we need to focus on ourself. Our first reason to get sober is for ourself, if not all bets are off.
I needed to get away from ALL distractions and drinking triggers and concentrate on not drinking today, one day at a time.

BE WELL

Obvius

It sounds like you're putting a lot of effort into this relationship.
No matter how bad the situation is, you can always do something to try to make it better. Small actions accumulate and momentum builds up over time.

DefconOne

Moderation in the face of alcoholism has no virtue. The only solution is to abstain. I wish you luck and don't try to quit by yourself. Get in a program.

Soberwolf

i wish you well in staying sober good luck

Read this and read up on the founder of moderation management in the history section of the link

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS MODERATION


Moderation Management - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Cecilia44

Ditto what IOAA said.

You say James: I want the relationship to work, but don't want to face the fact that it won't if we/she carries on drinking. Right now I feel like my entire life is in the hands of other people and it's driving me nuts.

You shouldn't put your life in the hands of others. No one can make you quit drinking unless you want to and if you are ready, DO IT! You may very well have to let the relationship go. If she is fine with her drinking and chooses booze over you, than I don't think holding onto the relationship would be worth it anyhow. Do you?

ScottFromWI

You've been here trying this for quite some time James. Moderation is never going to work my friend, no matter how many times you try it.

Re-read the above 2 sentences very carefully. This is the problem many of us face or faced at one point. We say we are willing to face up to our problems, BUT...and you can insert a million different reasons after BUT....we DON'T do it.

You have to be not only willing to face up to your problems, but you have to actually do it. That means putting your sobriety first, potentially even over your relationship. It's really about honesty with yourself at the core - are you truly willing to face up to the problems?

doggonecarl

That's the only reason?

You say you are willing to face up to your problems. Start with this...Irrespective of reasons, you drink. It causes problems. The solution is not drinking.

ghostdad

Find time to focus on yourself and staying sober. Find that strong willed independent person who you really are and don't let anyone tell you what to do. You are your own person. The relationship with your GF seems toxic. You have to ask yourself if its worth putting your time, energy and effort into your relationship especially when she's not reciprocating.

james186

I know, it's insane to expect moderation to work when I've tried so many times before. I realize now how pointless it is to not stop for the sake of someone else. For starters, if I carry on doing this kind of thing, there won't be a relationship anyway and I'll have achieved neither sobriety or saving the relationship.

james186

I wouldn't necessarily say 'toxic', but it has certainly got problems. We get along great most of the time but there are a few obvious and important differences that aren't going away.

endlesspatience

I've only been drinking because she likes to drink.

Who puts it in your mouth? Who buys it? Who gets drunk? You, not her. It's your choice.

FreeOwl

Take a 3-month break from your lady and spend those three months at AA.

See what happens.

3 months.

Is your life worth 3 months?

ScottFromWI

Realizing all this is very important. However, it's not going to change anything until you commit to facing the issue and taking action.

Start small - what is your goal for today?

Mac1

Hi James
For a long time I blamed other people's behaviour as the reason why i couldn't stay sober. In reality i simply hadn't decided that i really wanted to stop.
Something that helps me is to own my sobriety - i decided to get sober and no-one else apart from me has the power to change that! Still early days but thinking like that helps a lot.
You can do it...good luck

PurpleKnight

Might be time to hang up your moderation boots, and look at the abstinence!!

Nothing changes if nothing changes, right?!!