This seriously can't be happening right now...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 109
This seriously can't be happening right now...
The sh*t just completely hit the fan. As much as I don't wish to blame my parents for my struggles in life, I"m really thinking I need to spend a good chunk of my time in therapy focused on how completely and utterly f*cked up they are. I've shared that my relationship with my mother has been toxic since forever. Verbally, mentally and at times physically abusive.
Now this...
You might remember that back in June my xabf had called my father... and yep, good ole dad felt it was within his fatherly duties to be considerate enough to return his call. They had talked for what I imagine to be a while, given the snippets of conversation each shared with me afterward. My father felt it was within his right to delve into my past relationships, my personal life struggles, blah blah blah. My father's version of the "truth" is 98% of the time, spoken right from his a**.
Now, one would think a father - having heard the man his daughter was deeply in love with say to him that (bottom line) he had just broken her heart - would offer his apologies for the ending of the relationship, wish the man well and say goodbye. No, not my father. My father took that time to psychoanalyze me and my life and share his findings, assumptions, and fabricated nonsense with said man.
That was back in June... I haven't spoken to, nor heard from, my father - or stepmother - since. My siblings haven't heard from them, either.
Tonight, I learn that my stepmother has been keeping in touch with my xabf's mother via email. Behind my back. At least a few times over the summer. (they met - once - over two years ago). They are not keeping in touch out of friendship. My stepmother has purposefully contacted her to keep tabs on what *I* am up to - if I have been contacting them or my xabf. Tonight, I got wind of an email she sent to his mother last month - a "just checking in" email - "to see if things are still quiet" and that she and my father hope her stress level has lessened.
I have no words for her. None.
This is not the first time my parents have stuck their noses in where they don't belong. They have THE most f*cked up concept of parenting and loyalty. And to think I hesitated yesterday when I emailed her (to which she has yet to respond) and asked that she and my father stay out of this (xabf copied her in on his threatening email to me). Clearly, I had EVERY reason to fear that they would betray me. And they have. For months now... but I just found out about it tonight.
I am beside myself sick over this. And yet, there is a small part of me that just wants to laugh and say "chat amongst yourselves, I'm moving on".
My stepmother has not the first clue who she is dealing with. She needs to get a life and stay the eff out of mine.
Now this...
You might remember that back in June my xabf had called my father... and yep, good ole dad felt it was within his fatherly duties to be considerate enough to return his call. They had talked for what I imagine to be a while, given the snippets of conversation each shared with me afterward. My father felt it was within his right to delve into my past relationships, my personal life struggles, blah blah blah. My father's version of the "truth" is 98% of the time, spoken right from his a**.
Now, one would think a father - having heard the man his daughter was deeply in love with say to him that (bottom line) he had just broken her heart - would offer his apologies for the ending of the relationship, wish the man well and say goodbye. No, not my father. My father took that time to psychoanalyze me and my life and share his findings, assumptions, and fabricated nonsense with said man.
That was back in June... I haven't spoken to, nor heard from, my father - or stepmother - since. My siblings haven't heard from them, either.
Tonight, I learn that my stepmother has been keeping in touch with my xabf's mother via email. Behind my back. At least a few times over the summer. (they met - once - over two years ago). They are not keeping in touch out of friendship. My stepmother has purposefully contacted her to keep tabs on what *I* am up to - if I have been contacting them or my xabf. Tonight, I got wind of an email she sent to his mother last month - a "just checking in" email - "to see if things are still quiet" and that she and my father hope her stress level has lessened.
I have no words for her. None.
This is not the first time my parents have stuck their noses in where they don't belong. They have THE most f*cked up concept of parenting and loyalty. And to think I hesitated yesterday when I emailed her (to which she has yet to respond) and asked that she and my father stay out of this (xabf copied her in on his threatening email to me). Clearly, I had EVERY reason to fear that they would betray me. And they have. For months now... but I just found out about it tonight.
I am beside myself sick over this. And yet, there is a small part of me that just wants to laugh and say "chat amongst yourselves, I'm moving on".
My stepmother has not the first clue who she is dealing with. She needs to get a life and stay the eff out of mine.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 109
It sickens me to think my own parents (dad and stepmother) have outright betrayed me.
They must have been bored out of their skulls all summer while I was working on me. LOL. Yes, I'm going NC with all of them. "Parents" included.
They must have been bored out of their skulls all summer while I was working on me. LOL. Yes, I'm going NC with all of them. "Parents" included.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
You are working on you. You get to pick what pieces to reconfigure yourself. You have the power.
As for the back story chatter, best dismissal.
http://www.fanpop.com/clubs/penguins...ave-boys-photo
As for the back story chatter, best dismissal.
http://www.fanpop.com/clubs/penguins...ave-boys-photo
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Ugh. I can see why you'd be upset. I agree with going NC with the lot of them. What a toxic bunch of people and what a sad life they must all have. For real.
You haven't wasted your summer! Good for you and keep marching forward.
You haven't wasted your summer! Good for you and keep marching forward.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Originally Posted by CodeJob 
You are working on you. You get to pick what pieces to reconfigure yourself. You have the power.
As for the back story chatter, best dismissal.
http://www.fanpop.com/clubs/penguins...ave-boys-photo
As for the back story chatter, best dismissal.
http://www.fanpop.com/clubs/penguins...ave-boys-photo
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
My mother has done this exact thing to me dozens of times! Tell them nothing about yourself, and keep what's important to you close to your chest. If asked, let them and their confidantes know that you're aware of their communication and you think it;s sick and unhealthy.
Other than that, there's nothing else you can do but live your life.
I feel you.
Other than that, there's nothing else you can do but live your life.
I feel you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 109
My parents have one side of the story - his. I almost have to chuckle at all the chatter going on behind my back. I can picture them wrapped up in all the drama they've created to keep themselves busy and then... "wait, has anyone heard from {me}?" LoL.
It IS sick and unhealthy.
I'll admit to making some poor decisions in the past when a relationship has broken up. I've learned - and am still learning and growing - that I can't prevent or avoid the hills and valleys in life but that my reaction to them are completely within my control. I still mess up at times. I know I do. But I'm better at picking myself back up and starting again.
It IS sick and unhealthy.
I'll admit to making some poor decisions in the past when a relationship has broken up. I've learned - and am still learning and growing - that I can't prevent or avoid the hills and valleys in life but that my reaction to them are completely within my control. I still mess up at times. I know I do. But I'm better at picking myself back up and starting again.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
It really threatens crazy/unhealthy people when someone close to them starts on a better path working any kind of recovery. They will put a lot of effort into maintaining an unhealthy dynamic to protect their status quo.
You are doing great.
You are doing great.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 4
So much good encouragement here! Stay strong and go deep with healthy relationships. If you don't, the toxic people will become your new obsession and can potentially derail your progress! Don't give ANYone that power!
Forgive and keep moving.....
Forgive and keep moving.....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
And yet, there is a small part of me that just wants to laugh and say "chat amongst yourselves, I'm moving on".
YES - more of that kind of inner talk.........
Leave the drama for the other folks, besides it's out of your control anyways.
YES - more of that kind of inner talk.........
Leave the drama for the other folks, besides it's out of your control anyways.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
I understand. I recently went no contact with my mother. I have not spoken to her but, like you, I hear the chitter chatter. She told my children that she hates me, I assume with the fury of a 1000 suns, and when she dies does not want me to attend her funeral. I guess she is going to try to control me from the grave too!
Going no contact was the really the only solution for me to remain sane and keep my serenity intact. My serenity directly influences my sobriety. I cannot maintain contact with her without that instant negative vibe. It was like the minute I saw her or heard her voice I just want to smash something, namely her.
Making the decision was the best thing I have done for myself other than get sober. I am not sure if it will be forever but at this point, that is what I have decided to do. I have also blocked or restricted some family members on Facebook so they cannot get any tidbits about me to pass on and I do not have to see any negative comments that I feel are directed at me.
Done and done.
Try it for a month. 30 days. Sort of like getting sober. What can 30 days hurt? Don’t contact them, their friends, the xbf, nobody that can get any information to them. Ignoring them hurts them more then giving them fuel.
The time I have had with no contact has let me look at me and start the journey to healing over the emotional abuse and it is emotional abuse. It is time for you to take care of you.
I can't post it because I am at work but listen to the song "I'm Moving On" by Rascal Flatts. It inspires me to keep moving on!
Going no contact was the really the only solution for me to remain sane and keep my serenity intact. My serenity directly influences my sobriety. I cannot maintain contact with her without that instant negative vibe. It was like the minute I saw her or heard her voice I just want to smash something, namely her.
Making the decision was the best thing I have done for myself other than get sober. I am not sure if it will be forever but at this point, that is what I have decided to do. I have also blocked or restricted some family members on Facebook so they cannot get any tidbits about me to pass on and I do not have to see any negative comments that I feel are directed at me.
Done and done.
Try it for a month. 30 days. Sort of like getting sober. What can 30 days hurt? Don’t contact them, their friends, the xbf, nobody that can get any information to them. Ignoring them hurts them more then giving them fuel.
The time I have had with no contact has let me look at me and start the journey to healing over the emotional abuse and it is emotional abuse. It is time for you to take care of you.
I can't post it because I am at work but listen to the song "I'm Moving On" by Rascal Flatts. It inspires me to keep moving on!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 109
In June, I had deleted my xabf's friends and family members that I was friends with on FB (my profile is private). Last night, I blocked my stepmother (as she is FB friends with my siblings). All she does is keep tabs on us through there anyway - there is never any interaction.
At this point, I haven't spoken to my father or stepmother in over two and a half months - so throwing another 30 days onto that should be a snap.
I like Rascal Flatts... I'll have to listen to that when I get home later.
At this point, I haven't spoken to my father or stepmother in over two and a half months - so throwing another 30 days onto that should be a snap.
I like Rascal Flatts... I'll have to listen to that when I get home later.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
Good for you. I know the more I do to take control of my life the more I like myself and I feel in more control of me. It feels good to have the mind to make my own decisions and choices and not worry about what someone else is going to think or belittle me for later. It is my life. I am 44, I ain't got time to waste on this negative BS. I got to get to living 
My next step is to delete all past email correspondence with her that I have kept over the years in my inbox. It was something I learned from my mother. CYA forever!! Never deleted or destroy evidence! You may need to grab it to prove something someday. I have stuff that is over ten years old, that is just ridiculous. I took the time to put it all in one folder. When I am ready I am going to delete the entire folder.
I am also going to write a letter to God. I am going to turn over my mother to his protection and care. I am going to give him the burden and I am going to release it. I will burn the letter afterward.
I started to write the letter but it just went on and on and on. I am trying to decide if that is good or bad. I sort of wanted it short and sweet…lol
My next step is to delete all past email correspondence with her that I have kept over the years in my inbox. It was something I learned from my mother. CYA forever!! Never deleted or destroy evidence! You may need to grab it to prove something someday. I have stuff that is over ten years old, that is just ridiculous. I took the time to put it all in one folder. When I am ready I am going to delete the entire folder.
I am also going to write a letter to God. I am going to turn over my mother to his protection and care. I am going to give him the burden and I am going to release it. I will burn the letter afterward.
I started to write the letter but it just went on and on and on. I am trying to decide if that is good or bad. I sort of wanted it short and sweet…lol
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 109
Holy crap. 2.5 months no contact. I send an email asking for my personal belongings and I get home today to a letter from an attorney?! Are you freaking kidding me?!? Basically "cease and desist" all contact with him.
Ok, gotcha. Your client is a nutjob. Just sayin'....
Ok, gotcha. Your client is a nutjob. Just sayin'....
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