Intro
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
Intro
Hi, I am an alcoholic in recovery who is married to an active alcoholic. I have nearly seven months of sobriety, the longest in my 12 year marriage. I'm active on the other SR boards, but this is my first time posting in the friends and family section.
I was the sloppy, embarrassing suburban dinner party drinker. My husband would be frustrated with my behavior throughout our marriage. The dynamic in my marriage changed when I stopped drinking.
In sobriety, I am frustrated by my husband's drinking - that he has been drinking in front of me for the last seven months without modulating, by his empty drunken promises. I'm resentful that he complained about the consequences of my drinking, but he won't stop his drinking. I'm resentful that he's nicer to me drunk than sober. I want to improve my life. He wants to stand still.
We've discussed it and he feels it isn't fair for me to ask him to quit. We have a lovely looking life together, a house and two children. I told him that it's driving us apart, but he won't even entertain the idea of stopping; he said I'm just looking for something to be mad about. I don't know how he and I can move forward if he doesn't/won't consider my recovery.
Thanks for providing this space to vent.
I was the sloppy, embarrassing suburban dinner party drinker. My husband would be frustrated with my behavior throughout our marriage. The dynamic in my marriage changed when I stopped drinking.
In sobriety, I am frustrated by my husband's drinking - that he has been drinking in front of me for the last seven months without modulating, by his empty drunken promises. I'm resentful that he complained about the consequences of my drinking, but he won't stop his drinking. I'm resentful that he's nicer to me drunk than sober. I want to improve my life. He wants to stand still.
We've discussed it and he feels it isn't fair for me to ask him to quit. We have a lovely looking life together, a house and two children. I told him that it's driving us apart, but he won't even entertain the idea of stopping; he said I'm just looking for something to be mad about. I don't know how he and I can move forward if he doesn't/won't consider my recovery.
Thanks for providing this space to vent.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 224
Wow Glee, that is a tough one. You made a statement that really rang true with me about you wanting to move forward while he wants to stand still. With my ex, I realized after doing some of my own work that I can only control what I do. I can't make my ex make the same choices that I have made. I am not saying that in accepting my truth that I am skipping down the street whistling each morning, but we all have to start somewhere. I hope you are able to repair the bridge between you two. HUGS.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: AZ
Posts: 309
I have no advice, just wanted to say congrats on 7 mo sober! And maybe this...have you went to Al anon yet? Idk if you are working a program through AA, but because you are having a problem with your husband's drinking, you can get support there as well.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
Thanks for the welcome. I'm in AA, where I recently got a sponsor and am about to start working the steps. It's taken me a long time to work up the nerve to post on the friends and family thread. Slowly, in sobriety, while the rest of my life is incrementally improving, my marriage is eroding.
I never realized there were issues between my husband and I until I stopped drinking and started to work a program of recovery. He is leery of what I'm doing for recovery - as an alcoholic, I was scatterbrained. My moods were all over the place. I was prone to doing things on whims.
I've never, ever seen him dig in his heels like he does about the conversations we have regarding the effect of his drinking on my sobriety. He has gone along with pretty much any idea I've ever dreamt up, but the idea of us living a sober happy life together has him lashing out at me. The stuff he's saying hurts, badly. I feel defeated. I feel like my situation is hopeless. He just won't budge.
I'm working through my codependent discomfort, my need to smooth over what I've said, to improve his mood. I recognize that there are lots of layers of dysfunction happening here!!
Thanks so much for listening. I look forward to participating in the discussion on this board and learning from everyone.
I never realized there were issues between my husband and I until I stopped drinking and started to work a program of recovery. He is leery of what I'm doing for recovery - as an alcoholic, I was scatterbrained. My moods were all over the place. I was prone to doing things on whims.
I've never, ever seen him dig in his heels like he does about the conversations we have regarding the effect of his drinking on my sobriety. He has gone along with pretty much any idea I've ever dreamt up, but the idea of us living a sober happy life together has him lashing out at me. The stuff he's saying hurts, badly. I feel defeated. I feel like my situation is hopeless. He just won't budge.
I'm working through my codependent discomfort, my need to smooth over what I've said, to improve his mood. I recognize that there are lots of layers of dysfunction happening here!!
Thanks so much for listening. I look forward to participating in the discussion on this board and learning from everyone.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
Hi Gleefan, welcome to the forum.
Congratulations on your sobriety. That's fantastic.
Like Mejo said, if you haven't already, you may want to check out Alanon. There are a lot of people just like you there (we call them double-winners). I think it would be a great source of support. It's also a good place (along with AA) to learn the tools needed to put yourself and your sobriety first. Which is probably what you need to do as you move forward through the process of recovery.
Happy to have you come here and "vent" anytime.
Congratulations on your sobriety. That's fantastic.
Like Mejo said, if you haven't already, you may want to check out Alanon. There are a lot of people just like you there (we call them double-winners). I think it would be a great source of support. It's also a good place (along with AA) to learn the tools needed to put yourself and your sobriety first. Which is probably what you need to do as you move forward through the process of recovery.
Happy to have you come here and "vent" anytime.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
My worry Gleefan, would be that in trying to manage his sobriety, you could derail yours.
Even those of us that are not addicts have had to learn to let go of micro managing our loved one's addictions. That's a huge part of co-dependency.
Have you talked to your sponsor about this?
Even those of us that are not addicts have had to learn to let go of micro managing our loved one's addictions. That's a huge part of co-dependency.
Have you talked to your sponsor about this?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 56
Hi gleefan, I'm glad you're here. Congratulations on seven months of sobriety--that's really something to be proud of.
As an adult child of an alcoholic and a raging codependent, I can tell you that it's so easy to fall into the micromanaging that SeriousKarma talks about. I'm so guilty of it. I'd micromanage the whole world if I could get away with it. I'm working to change that and to learn to only manage myself. It's a struggle for me.
I was in recovery a long time ago--and of course I thought I was "fixed." Now I realize that the insidious tendencies of codependency are rearing their ugly heads for me again. I believe I'm going to be heading to a face-to-face Al-Anon meeting as well. I was just reading Codependent No More and something Beattie talks about in the very beginning hit me like a ton of bricks last night. I won't give a direct quote, but the essence was, once you're codependent, you're always codependent. That is so me.
No advice or wisdom here--just wanted to let you know that I struggle with taking care of me--and I'm realizing that taking care of me is what's going to ultimately allow me to have the life I deserve to have. I'm happy you're here and I hope you'll find as much support here as I've found over the years.
As an adult child of an alcoholic and a raging codependent, I can tell you that it's so easy to fall into the micromanaging that SeriousKarma talks about. I'm so guilty of it. I'd micromanage the whole world if I could get away with it. I'm working to change that and to learn to only manage myself. It's a struggle for me.
I was in recovery a long time ago--and of course I thought I was "fixed." Now I realize that the insidious tendencies of codependency are rearing their ugly heads for me again. I believe I'm going to be heading to a face-to-face Al-Anon meeting as well. I was just reading Codependent No More and something Beattie talks about in the very beginning hit me like a ton of bricks last night. I won't give a direct quote, but the essence was, once you're codependent, you're always codependent. That is so me.
No advice or wisdom here--just wanted to let you know that I struggle with taking care of me--and I'm realizing that taking care of me is what's going to ultimately allow me to have the life I deserve to have. I'm happy you're here and I hope you'll find as much support here as I've found over the years.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
Ah, seriouskarma and s4s - so true about micromanaging! I appreciate your feedback so much.
There's no point telling him how I feel about his drinking. He knows how I feel. He chooses to drink anyway. I can't change that.
After talking to an old timer and my sponsor last night, I had a real lightbulb moment relating to the point you both raised -- that hubby and I are at an impasse, and all I can do is the next right thing in MY life. For me today, that's working towards becoming more financially independent.
There's no point telling him how I feel about his drinking. He knows how I feel. He chooses to drink anyway. I can't change that.
After talking to an old timer and my sponsor last night, I had a real lightbulb moment relating to the point you both raised -- that hubby and I are at an impasse, and all I can do is the next right thing in MY life. For me today, that's working towards becoming more financially independent.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and welcome to the F&F forum!
Congrats on your own sobriety! I cannot even imagine how hard it has to be since you live w/an active alcoholic. This tells me you are very very strong and really want sobriety, good for you!
You are right, work on you, your own independence and sobriety. Put the focus on you and your children!
XXX
Congrats on your own sobriety! I cannot even imagine how hard it has to be since you live w/an active alcoholic. This tells me you are very very strong and really want sobriety, good for you!
You are right, work on you, your own independence and sobriety. Put the focus on you and your children!
XXX
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