katie44

I haven't been on in quite a while. As was doing fine for quite a while. He has been staying with us saving money and bought himself a vehicle. He was working up until this past Friday he lost his job. He has a beautiful girlfriend who does not drink or due drugs. In the middle of July I noticed some changes in him. He is 27 has been an addict since 16 guy feeling told me he was using again. All the signs lying, his moods. Today I go in to work check online my visa has been compromised 950.00 in charges. I reported it to the visa fraud department. I also called the local police and made an appt. for tomorrow. Turns out it was the same officer I saw 5 years ago when I had him charged with fraud. He has stolen everything it took many years for me to finally follow through with charges. Tonite he come home throws an envelope at us full if money and says he thinks it is a female friend of his that wracked up the charges. A month ago I gave him our visa number to pay for his dad and his boating licence on line. How could I be so stupid. He has not stolen anything for 3 years and I let my guard down with him. My spouse is ridden with guilt it was his card but he feels we need to follow through with criminal charges. He is on probabtion still if convicted he will be looking at min a year in jail. I don't believe his female friend did this it would have been the two of them. Then he says if I just have her charged she knows people that could cause him great difficulty. Blah blah blah heard it all before. He has sent us 15 texts this evening begging us not to have him charged. He is desperate he also said mom you got your money back what is the big deal . No ownership or responsibility. In the past he stole over 30,000 from us finally we made the decision to charge him. I really need some advice here, I truly believe if we don't follow through he is headed for bigger problems. One of his friends let us know that yes he has been smoking crack again. I am so sad over this. I know he will loose things his job etc.

Ann

Katie, I am so sorry and I know that kick in the stomach feeling when things go well...and then they don't.

My thoughts are that he lost everything the minute he picked up crack. He made the bad choice and knows where that leads, it's almost worse than the first time around when they didn't know how bad it would be.

It is entirely up to you to decide whether to charge him or not, but don't let guilt guide your decision. His bad behaviour (stealing) = his consequence (charges).

Whether you charge him or not, he's on a bad path that will probably end with jail anyway. Maybe next time it will be worse.

Doing the right thing is often the hardest choice...but it's still the right thing.

Hugs from my heart to yours.

Vale

If you end up charging him you may be the only true friend he's ever had.

katie44

Thankyou for your replies, what is so sickening is he takes no ownership. I've always found the addicts mind to be baffling. The very fact that he would have a credit card duplicated in his fathers name says to me he is in trouble with his addiction again. All the visa charges were done in the early hours of the morning. Probably driving around buying those prepaid gift cards to buy crack with. We opened our home to him so he could bank money for an apartment, we were just so happy to see him leading somewhat of a normal life. Always follow your instinct. All the signs were there this summer, I even confronted him of course denial. We are going to press criminal charges today. Why do I feel so guilty ? If he never pays the consequences he has no reason too truly look at his life and work on his recovery. We can not be part of his chaotic world, my nerves are terrible, my husband has had enough of him. I know he is in panic mode contined begging us 1/2 way through the nite we would ruin his life. We didnt cause this he did. How I wish I hadn't told him about our knowledge of the fraud. We should have just went to the police station layed charges and they would have picked him up with out all this drama.

katie44

Sorry I have written such a long post. I can honestly see why parents of addicts turn the other way. It took me many years to understand I couldn't fix him, nor control it, nor did I cause it. He is a compulsive liar. I now see this summer he has been trying to juggle and balance a normal life while using crack and drinking. We all know eventually it collapses on them. My heart is broken, I often wonder will the chaos ever stop. Hi Gf is going to be quite upset with us. She knows his past I just don't think she knows the extent. Why is it we are the bad people. He stole, he's using again ! So true the end result may be worse than jail.

Ann

Katie, your story echos my own...why would our sons steal from and hurt the people who love them most and then have no remorse...and do it again if given the chance? Because they are actively addicted.

That is why my son was banished from our home for good. Too many times we gave him another chance or at least let him come for a visit. The last time he came just to pick up a few of his things that were in the laundry in the basement, he stole a portable TV (my husband used it when he traveled for work) that he stashed in his backpack...right under my nose and appearing clean. Who does that?

Their minds are not functioning in any kind of rational way, Katie, and charging him now may be the most loving thing you ever do. In jail he will be clean and have a chance to understand that there ARE consequences.

No guilt, he owns his behaviour and he owns the consequences. If he robbed a bank it would not be your fault, stealing from you is not either.

Big hugs because I am proud of your courage to do what you need to do.

sojourner

Katie44: I recognize your username, and I am glad that you came here when you needed some help.

You know that everyone here will encourage you to hold him accountable. I hope you do that for your sake, your husband's sake, your daughter's sake, and your beloved son's sake. Think of it this way - the most damaging thing you could do to your son is to not hold him accountable and to give in to his pleas. Please do the right thing by him.

Sojourner

zoso77

Katie...I have my own thoughts but won't be on a computer until this evening. Hang in there.

katie44

It was my spouses card today has been a nightmare. My husband is apprehensive about charging him. It has been me in the past that has layed 3 different charges. He feels if we charge him we are ruining his life. He will loose what little he has worked for.
This is causing issues between my spouse and I . My spouse does not want our son to blame him for ruining his life. As I see it, his life was ruined years ago. I just don't understand my spouses way of thinking ? It was okay when I charged him ? I am so upset today about this.

Ilovemysonjj

Katie, my son has two felonies on his record, both times we pressed charges and all I can say is that if you ignore the issue and do NOT press charges, his experience will be that you are okay with him taking things that are not his, regardless of the consequences. I didnt see/hear from my son after he broke into our home in May 2012 for almost 4 months! He finally got caught and then plead guilty. I feel that the first step in our reconciliation was JJ admitting he did something worthy of a criminal charge and then going to jail over it. Of course it hurts that he has to be challenged with having these felonies on his record, but it is far better than living in fear that he would be shot trying to steal from someone else OR worse, overdose. You can still press charges and decide before the court date to work with the DA for some kind of rehab option? That helped us as well since we were the victims, we were able to determine somewhat the court's options. PS: we let JJ back home AGAIN after his second rehab, he relapsed, and took a few small items from the house. He is OUT and I cannot allow him back in. The pattern is WAY too easy for him to repeat. He now has 4 months clean on 9-25.

Lad12053

Hi, my son too has stolen from us and is presently is in jail for another charge. Like you I struggle understanding the addicts thought process. We had to put a stay away on our son...but on the good days I know I am doing the right thing by holding him accountable. Breaks my heart but I remind myself, I didn't give him drugs he chose that, I cannot cure his drive for them , only he can. The only thing we have any control over is our own selves and how we allow them to treat us. Treat yourselves well and maintain your home as your sanctuary as you feel fit. What ever your decision know that I am sending prayers to all of you.

zoso77

Katie,

Before I respond to your post, I just want to say how sorry I am that you and your husband are going through this...again. I can't imagine what it must be like for you. With that being said, allow me to be direct.

That's a pretty big number, Katie. Over 30 grand? And he's done it again, and as you observed:

Nor will he so long as he's on his current path. Think about it. You've been dealing with this for 11 years, and what has really changed? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. So it's time you and your husband take action. Which, I know, is something you don't want to do. But if you're to look at this dispassionately, you have no choice. If someone other than your son had done this, you would have no problem pulling the trigger and prosecuting that person.

It is time...far past time...that your AS experiences the full consequences of his actions. If he loses his job, so be it. If he ends up in prison, so be it. And most importantly, if he chooses not to address his addiction and the characterlogical stuff that goes along with it, that is not, and has never been, your problem. That is his problem, and he needs to take ownership of it whether he likes it or not.

If perchance he should whine about you turning him in, just remember that he's stolen from you without conscience twice. And also remember if given another opportunity down the road, he would do it again without conscience. It's up to you and your husband to make sure that opportunity never happens.

Do what you need to do.

Txhelp

Katie my heart breaks for you. I understand to well with my (2) young adult children!

I support whatever you choose as I know the difficult decision. He is using....things are beginning to crumble. Perhaps charging him will wake him up from his dark slumber.

Who knows...

Ann

Katie, I remember asking, years ago, "why does my son continue to steal from us?" and the wise answer I got from an old timer here was "Because he CAN."

Ouch, that hurt me where it hurts most, right in the reality. My son continued to steal from us because he always got away with it.

That said, whether you charge him or not, I would not trust him with anything ever again...and isn't that sad. But he has proven he is not trustworthy, so I wouldn't let him in your home or near your valuables and let him pay his own expenses in life, including his own lawyer when the day comes that someone does charge him with a crime.

My heart hurts for you, it's worse when your home front is divided. Prayers out for all of you.

katie44

I come home from work yesterday, the full amount of monies that was charged on the visa is on my table. Also a note saying we are out nothing, call the visa Fraud line and tell them we made a mistake. We are not going to do that, nor do we want his money.who knows where he got the 950.00 from in his eyes he's done nothing wrong. It's fraud he had a card duplicated in his fathers name. We haven't been too the local police yet that would speed up the process . He has got a slap on the hand so many times the judge said last time next time in court it won't be pretty. He hasn't slept here since we confronted him. Now to change the locks and reactivate the alarm. What a way to live he is very angry with us right now. Just no conscience at all. He knows we have had financial issues, he knows were under stress his focus is crack. I cleaned out his too last nite found squished beer cans with holes all over them. Used for smoking crack, I feel ill. Been through this before if he thinks he's going to jail hell be on a roll. He actually makes me nervous. Closing the door on him . Have had enough of his chaos and compulsive lying.

Ann

Dang, Katie, for years I could not drink pop out of a can or even watch someone else do it...the very sight of a pop can literally nauseated me because that's how my son smoked crack too. Even today when I see a stomped or squished pop can, a shiver runs down my spine, even though it may be quite harmless and simply be a squished can.

I'm glad you made sure Visa has you protected again and changing your locks and alarm is a good idea.

It's a mama's worst nightmare to have to do these things to protect ourselves from our children.

Big hugs from my heart to yours.

zoso77

Pardon my bluntness, but too f**king bad.

katie44

Thankyou I really needed to hear that looks like his life is crumbling. His lovely GF called me today, begged us not too charge him. He told her he only used the card to put a tank of gas in, and that he tried to pay us back. Oh the lies. She then proceeded to tell me he has been lying for weeks, and drinking too much. The truth is she needs to move on with her life he will only drag her down. Its none of our business breaks my heart. I really didn't say much to her on the phone.His ever so balanced life is not working for him anymore, the lies, the manipulation. I know its the addiction but they make me ill, they are like tornadoes that steam roll over innocent people and cause chaos wherever they go. His GF is one of the kindest sweetest people we know.

hopeful4

I am so sorry Katie. Addiction sucks.

Lad12053

Sorry Katie that you have to endure all this , again. We know your pain. Hugs.