thinking about leaving
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: los angeles, ca
Posts: 4
thinking about leaving
My boyfriend recently left rehab. We're doing really well right now. About a week after he was out, I tried to start a conversation about trust with him. (During our relationship, he has been with other women, he was sneaky and he lied.) He got very angry and told me that he didn't need this right now. While he was in rehab, we talked about how he has to earn my trust and how I need to learn to trust him in order for our relationship to succeed. Because of this, I thought it was okay to have a conversation about this and talk about how we are going to navigate building trust by asking what that looks like to both of us.
The bottom line is that I don't trust him and I don't know if I ever will. I, also, don't want to be tempted to snoop which I've done in the past. I'm happy to say I'm 30 days "sober" from snooping as well as drinking. Though I don't have a drinking problem I didn't want it to impair my judgement and allow myself to rationalize the snooping.
So, I'm thinking about ending the relationship. I don't want to deal with the anxiety I feel when he gets a text, an email, or when we're not together. I realize that part of this anxiety is my issue and it's something I'm addressing with therapy. I have a vivid imagination and tend to let it run amok.
Should I decide to end it, I'm not sure what the best way of going about it is. I certainly don't want to jeopardize his recovery. Thoughts?
The bottom line is that I don't trust him and I don't know if I ever will. I, also, don't want to be tempted to snoop which I've done in the past. I'm happy to say I'm 30 days "sober" from snooping as well as drinking. Though I don't have a drinking problem I didn't want it to impair my judgement and allow myself to rationalize the snooping.
So, I'm thinking about ending the relationship. I don't want to deal with the anxiety I feel when he gets a text, an email, or when we're not together. I realize that part of this anxiety is my issue and it's something I'm addressing with therapy. I have a vivid imagination and tend to let it run amok.
Should I decide to end it, I'm not sure what the best way of going about it is. I certainly don't want to jeopardize his recovery. Thoughts?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i think be as considerate as you would of anyone that you co-shared housing with and make sure no one is left in the lurch. be calm, no need to haul out the dirty laundry, state your intention and your timetable. nothing you do will CAUSE him to relapse....it's up to him to deal with life on life's terms and not use alcohol as a crutch.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Once trust is gone in any relationship it's very hard to get it back. Right now his soul focus needs to be on his recovery while your focus is on the relationship. Your both in different places right.
If he drinks it will be by his own choice, not anything you do or say.
If he drinks it will be by his own choice, not anything you do or say.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
KnownKnown.....How would you feel/handle this if he weren't an alcoholic.
He will have to learn to live life and deal with all the emotions and feelings that accompany real life.
Maintaining his sobriety has to be his number one priority if he is to attain lasting sobriety.
He may....or may not...be up to the responsibility of dealing with early recovery and the needs of the relationship, also. That is completely up to him. This is where you have no control. It is impossible to control what goes on inside another person.
It is not your job to walk on eggshells...cause ultimately, you are not what will cause a relapse or not.
You must be true to yourself...or you will never have peace of mind. You must decide what you can/want to live with or not. Your happiness in in your own hands...not his.
I fully realize that this is not easy stuff....not by a long shot! You are standing at a crossroad. Above all....be true and honest with yourself...deep inside where only you
know yourself. If you don't do that you will not be happy in the l ong run.....
I hope these words are of some help to you as you contemplate this....
dandylion
He will have to learn to live life and deal with all the emotions and feelings that accompany real life.
Maintaining his sobriety has to be his number one priority if he is to attain lasting sobriety.
He may....or may not...be up to the responsibility of dealing with early recovery and the needs of the relationship, also. That is completely up to him. This is where you have no control. It is impossible to control what goes on inside another person.
It is not your job to walk on eggshells...cause ultimately, you are not what will cause a relapse or not.
You must be true to yourself...or you will never have peace of mind. You must decide what you can/want to live with or not. Your happiness in in your own hands...not his.
I fully realize that this is not easy stuff....not by a long shot! You are standing at a crossroad. Above all....be true and honest with yourself...deep inside where only you
know yourself. If you don't do that you will not be happy in the l ong run.....
I hope these words are of some help to you as you contemplate this....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
This, this, this. I agree you are in very different places. For myself, the relief of not being tied up into my XAH's issues is a huge relief. I finally realized I had to put MY wellbeing in front of his.
Only you can decide what is right. It's good you are in therapy, I would address this w/your therapist.
Only you can decide what is right. It's good you are in therapy, I would address this w/your therapist.
Originally Posted by atalose 
Once trust is gone in any relationship it's very hard to get it back. Right now his soul focus needs to be on his recovery while your focus is on the relationship. Your both in different places right.
If he drinks it will be by his own choice, not anything you do or say.
If he drinks it will be by his own choice, not anything you do or say.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
Congratulations on your snooping sobriety!! That takes a lot of willpower & self-awareness...
I have no advice on the trust bit. I've not personally been able to recover once my trust is broken, but I also note that I run from discomfort pretty rapidly, & end relationships more easily than many. I consider it self-preservation as I flee, but also recognize that I don't stick around through the hard stuff to get to the other side.
No matter what you decide, your decision not to live in a love in which you need to be constantly vigilant (whether you stay or go) is powerful & worthy of recognition. Congratulations to you!
I have no advice on the trust bit. I've not personally been able to recover once my trust is broken, but I also note that I run from discomfort pretty rapidly, & end relationships more easily than many. I consider it self-preservation as I flee, but also recognize that I don't stick around through the hard stuff to get to the other side.
No matter what you decide, your decision not to live in a love in which you need to be constantly vigilant (whether you stay or go) is powerful & worthy of recognition. Congratulations to you!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Simply say: "this isn't working out for me. I wish you the best" In other words, "no" is a complete sentence. He's responsible for his own sobriety and whether he drinks or doesn't drink shouldn't be a factor in your decision.
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