bmf1978

Wanted to get the perspective of an A. As you can tell from the title, I'm leaving my A husband but still haven't broken the pattern of putting him first - far from it. We've only been married for ten months. I put up with his drinking for three years, peppered with periods of "sobriety." (I take full responsibility for sticking around, of course.) This past year, he did an outpatient program, went to AA almost everyday, had a sponsor. He had 90 days sober max. But a couple of weeks ago, I found out that he was having an affair (emotional, I think), and finally realized just how good he was at lying...almost like he was living a double life. As soon as I found out, he left for inpatient rehab in another state - something he had refused to do up to this point out of fear that he'd lose his job in finance. But because of his infidelity and lying, along with some other very self-destructive behavior, I've finally hit my limit. Although I think I made it clear that I was leaving in the days before he left, I'm pretty sure that he's still holding out hope that I'll stay. Why wouldn't he? I've made empty threats in the past. My question is, would it be better for me to tell him that I'm moving out and initiating a divorce while he's in rehab (while he has support; the con being that he's supposed to be focused on himself only), or when he gets out (and is more likely to relapse)? I know some will think, why do I need to tell him at all? There are logistics that need to be worked out, and in which he needs to be involved. And I would really like to get the ball rolling on this so that I can move forward with my own life. But I don't want to derail his efforts. Some roller coaster I'm on... My life has been turned upside down, I feel so alone, and my financial situation is not great. And all I can think about is how I'm abandoning him...he'll be alone, drink himself to death and die.

bmf1978

Sorry, I also posted this in the Alcoholism forum; hence, the first sentence.

suki44883

If you tell him now, he will be surrounded by professionals who can help him deal with it, which I think is best. If you wait, it will just be harder.

AnvilheadII

let's start here....what is the best course of action FOR YOU?

Florence

I told my XAH I was filing for divorce while he was in rehab. He was in a safe place, I'd been through hell with him, and I felt guilt-free. I was done.

hopeful4

While he is there. No question about it.

Sungrl

I am going to go with the group, while he has the support of the staff. Let him know in rehab and they can deal with his s***. You don't have to anymore.

Mrrryah1

Definitely now - let him get his support in place, etc. while he's surrounded by safe people.

bmf1978

Thanks so much, everyone.

Rosalba

I agree with everyone else on here who says you should let him know while he has the support of the rehab staff around him.

I've picked out your quote because the alternative is that you stick with him, he drinks himself to death and dies - dragging you down with him.