Calmwater

My AH called today and wanted to tell me that he had bought some furniture for the boys and I. It turned into the usual fight. Why does he harp on me admitting I'm wrong? I was the one that left, even though he was lying, and stealing, and I was sitting awake nights waiting, I could barely eat, we were all tiptoeing around him and his moods... But he was in crisis, and how could I have left him? I'm controlling, I leave him when he needs me the most, (when he's doing drugs, lying, and going totally out of control!), I need to face up to the fact that I'm wrong too. He's stuck in the victim role, I've seen him do this before when things don't go his way. Nothing is ever his fault, he made mistakes, but...

He flung out his hand today, just making a gesture and I ducked away from him. He was furious, and hurt, I think. He never, ever, hit or threatened me phsysically. I don't know why I did that. I just don't trust him at all anymore. I have closed down. I don't want to give him any ammunition to use against me anymore. I am really bad at admitting I'm wrong, but only to him, because he will use vulnerability as a weapon. I'm starting to see how manipulative he really can be. I know I've learned that too. I haven't honestly trusted him in a long time, and I wanted so badly to be able to.

My thoughts are all over the place tonight. We both agreed it's over, I feel numb, right now. I still harp on him getting some help every time I see him. I don't know if that's wrong, but it's the only way I would EVER feel comfortable with him having the boys by himself. I don't trust him to make good choices, and I couldn't stand it if they were hurt. I just want him to say he's sorry, without qualifying it with the --but you were wrong too. He hurt us all so much. My youngest says he admired his dad so much, and he feels betrayed. I feel that way too, I think. He was, and is, so busy thinking of how he's hurting, that the rest of us don't really count. His kids should talk to him when he wants, when he needs company, he doesn't seem to realize that he should be trying to fix things, with, and for, them.

I don't know, he's so good at making me feel sorry for him. So I feel bad right now, at the same time realizing that that's what he wants. When things aren't going how he wants, he turns nasty. I'm so cold to him anymore, slightly derisive. I don't like it, I don't like the way I respond to him. He makes me weak, and I'm afraid to show that to him. This is so hard. I'm so sad, but it doesn't change anything. He didn't, or couldn't, care enough to get the help he needs. I'm sorry I'm really tired tonight, and I think I'm babbling.

Thanks for listening, I just needed to ramble on for a few minutes.

Txhelp

"I just don't trust him at all anymore. I have closed down."

" I don't trust him to make good choices, and I couldn't stand it if they were hurt"

I am not sure why you would trust him. He's using drugs and hurting you and your children. Over and over and over and over. It's natural to not trust someone that hurts you. It's self preservation.

There isn't anything you can do for your husband. I wish I could say something that would help you or give you peace. It's so difficult for the sober people that are left to deal with the craziness of addiction.

Find yourself a plan. Allow him to fall as he is NOT your responsibility at this point. If he is unable or unwilling to take responsibility for himself, what makes you think that you can do anything for him? It's the hardest task to let go. Letting Go will allow him to find his way out of his addiction and will allow you to gain some freedom and peace of this prison.

zoso77

Well, there's only one person that can change that...and I'm not talking about him...

Calmwater

Ha! Zoso77, Txhelp, so true! Thank you both for the responses. I'm feeling sorry for myself tonight. I do fairly well during the day, my job keeps me very focased and present, thank God. I try to stay busy. I also keep it together around my family and friends, for the most part. I try to project strong and confident for my boys, as I want them to feel safe. Nights though, when I'm alone the doubts creep in. I over analyze, and start to question my judgement. I should get over needing someone to reassure me that I'm making the right choices. I'm making the best ones I can right now, and that has to be good enough.

mejo

I don't think you are feeling sorry for yourself. I think you are grieving. Big difference. We want them to be who we fell in love with, and that makes us sad. We want them to just fix it and make the hurt and the pain stop. They can't. Not until they fix themselves in the truest form first. Even then, only we can forgive. But not for them, but for ourselves.

We need to get better. If they want to come along, great. We know when they are in true recovery and it is not there if they are still blaming and projecting. Give yourself time. A little more time. Hugs!