TerpGal

I figured out that all the crazy indecisive stuff I have been posting here and thinking about are one massive future trip. When RAH went to rehab I had already decided I wolas not about to end the marriage and would just have to let the cards fall where they may. If it wasn't meant to work out, I will know it soon enough.

He has never done "typical" abusive behavior. He has never been controlling, never isolated me from friends or family, never kept me financially trapped with him. We have no children. I have a good job, a car, and a place to go if things DO get bad. The isolation, well I did that. For the sake reasons many f&f of addicts do. We stop caring along with them and are embarrassed to be in public with them due to their drunken behavior. The verbal stuff, well there is plenty of blame on both sides of the street there. I have been downright cruel over Tue last month's because I wanted to hurt him as much as he hurt me. Not thinking that he also hurt himself and hated himself. The other, well I am pretty sure that if he maintains sobriety, it won't be a problem.

What I CANT seem to do though, is keep the focus on today and not worry myself sick. Yes not even home yet. I still have 3 more days before that even happens. No decisions have to be made today. How do you do it? What coping skills do you use to stay in the moment because I'm fresh out of ideas.

Hammer

Well good for you.

Not a brains / idea process.

Pretty sure from what I have seen the brains can be a detriment.

A very wise crack-addled addict / A has instructed me -- "You must remember this a Spiritual Program."

So where would YOU go for Spiritual Matters?

hopeful4

I don't know all the answers but I certainly want you to know I wish you both the very best. You are so right that you don't have to do anything right now. Time tells so much. Prepare for the worst, hope and pray for the best. Encourage, don't enable.

I isolated myself badly until a few years ago I just opened up. This lead to my X opening himself up a lot more too, and honestly it was a good thing for BOTH of us. Isolation is not a healthy thing for anyone.

What nice things do you do for yourself? For me, counseling, Celebrate Recovery, and of course SR helped me. I also got involved in things I like to do. Went to my children's sports. Volunteer at church and school, and at CR. Go out of town and visit family. Landscape my lawn. The list goes on and on. The key is not being obsessed about what may be and more about living in the moment and not letting future tripping rob you of the joy you can experience in the now.

Hugs Terp....

unsureoffuture

For me what helps is to do things I enjoy. Get together with an old friend, take an exercise class, enjoy my kids, take on a gardening or decorating project that looks interesting. Start doing things that bring you joy. In codependent relationships, we tend to make the chaos of the relationship our entire world. Once you start seeing there is so much more to life than just the relationship you have with your RAH you will start to heal. he alone cannot make you happy. You have to make you happy.

happybeingme

By surrendering. Thats the short answer. The bigger one is accepting the fact that in some situations and some people I have absolutely no control over. The only thing I have control over is myself. So, its about boundaries. What will I accept and what wont I. And what will bee the consequences if those boundaries are crossed.

While not particularly religious I really believe in Letting go and Letting God. Or if you prefer the universe. It took me along time to get there and its not always p erfect but I am much healthier emotionally because of it

lillamy

I actively look for things to be grateful for every day.

The neighbor's cat choosing to take a nap in my back yard.
A new species of bird in the same back yard.
A cloud shaped like an airplane.
The herd of Longhorn Texas cattle I drive by on my way to work.
The taste of the first sip of coffee in the morning.

When I look for things to be grateful for, I tend to be in the moment and enjoy the moment more. Of course, I also don't have an alcoholic in my life to worry about anymore either. That makes enjoying the moment a whole lot easier, too, when you have no reasonable reason to worry about damnation and hellfire descending on you...

Thumper

This (surrender) was really the turning point for me. It was very freeing. I was ready for it and when I made that switch in my thinking patterns it was such a relief and I embraced it. I did have control - it just wasn't over him or our relationship. The control was mine, over me, my perceptions, my recovery.

Boundaries were hard work, and it was even harder to trust myself. That was a key part of it - trusting in myself. You don't have to trust his recovery - you have to trust yours.

whalebelow2

A technique that works for me is to ask.

So what's happening "now"

Right now, I'm replying to you. That's good.

It brings me to the present, out of the past, out of the future.

How's things for you right "now"?

honeypig

I'm glad you came to that conclusion; it seems to be accurate, as far as I can see from your posts. Now that you know that, you can set about fixing the problem!

Meditation and mindfulness practice seem to be a recurring theme for trying to stay in the moment. Maybe you can find a way to bring these into your life, a little at a time. Sylvia Boorstein has some books that I like for this. Try "Don't Just Do Something, Sit There", "Happiness is an Inside Job", "It's Easier Than You Think" and "Pay Attention, For Goodness' Sake."

Your steps will likely be really small ones at first, but please don't be discouraged--like everything else, it takes practice. However, it seems even a little effort is well rewarded, so just do what you can and you'll see benefits.

Hang in!

whalebelow2

If I can add to that.

Ask your self "how am I now, is anything bad happening to me right now??" every 5 seconds for a minute.

If you do try that, please post the result.

NYCDoglvr

My therapist taught me how to "ground" myself. Sit quietly in a chair and study the room I'm in: the walls, the ceiling, the floor. What kind of furniture? It gets me out of my head. The next thing is to either get out of my home or call someone. These simple tools really work to keep me present in my own skin.

TonightTonight

Hello. Like whalebelow said, I try to stay in the now. When things are REALLY bad this might even include talking to myself, aloud, narrating what I am doing. "I am driving to the store. I am buying toilet paper. I am walking through Target. I am talking to myself in the toilet paper aisle."

Also, I try to "do the next right thing", whatever that is. Showering, doing the dishes, etc. It was small stuff like this that let me literally pick up my focus and put it on me, today, now.

Hugs.

Santa

Heated yoga class. It's near impossible to be anywhere but right there on the mat.
Meditation. There's a thread here with some free resources for that.

CodeJob

As soon as I realize I am future tripping, I read the Serenity Prayer. I know it by heart but I force myself to stop and slowly read it. At the moment I have it taped up at work. I also sometimes exercise and just repeat serenity/courage/wisdom to keep my head from dwelling on trouble...

Thumper

Oh - good one! I had forgotten about that and how many zillions of times I said that in my head at the beginning of my journey.

Another thought was to just keep busy. My days are incredibly full of doing stuff so when I was home it wasn't as bad. It was work I had to watch out for because i work alone and so it was (is) way to easy to get off track in my head. It was just hard to focus and get things done. Lists helped there - keep checking things off. They were small kind of ridiculous lists that just plotted out my day. I can't remember if you have kids or not? If not maybe find a short term volunteer activity to keep you moving and your mind busy during non-work hours. It is to easy to just become consumed with it all. Or join a gym. Exercise has many rewards. I'd join a gym in a minute if it were an option and I hate exercise, lol.