Boyfriend pushing me away
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 8
Boyfriend pushing me away
Any insight into this would greatly help. My newly sober (again) boyfriend has completely shut me out. I am trying my best to cope. Please help. Here's what is going on:
My boyfriend of 1 year and 8 months has recently reentered AA. His last relapse lasted around 2 months. This new sobriety came out of a very bad night we had a week ago. In short - he was charged with assault and is not currently allowed to contacts me.
We have been in touch a couple of times regardless. I am doing what I can to get the No Contact Order lifted. No judgment please, this is a hard enough time as it is.
I spoke with him today and he told me that he needs space. He says he can't be in a relationship, and that he doesn't know why I would want him after everything anyway. He is so negative about his life, and says he is nothing but a drunk and an addict. He says we can be friends for now. When he speaks to me, he says it takes his mind off of his recovery and he feels awful about what he's done to me and how ****** his life is. He says that all he wants to do is go to AA every day and go home. He won't even tell me if he still wants a future with me anymore.
I feel lost and heartbroken. After everything we have been through, he is just throwing me away. Why is he doing this? Is this typical in recovery???
It's like my best friend just died. I will not be contacting him for a while. I plan to attend alanon meetings and work on myself. I want to believe that if we both heal ourselves, perhaps we can eventually begin to heal our relationship.
Is there any chance that we will make it through this?????? I am trying to have hope but it is so hard.
PLEASE HELP.
My boyfriend of 1 year and 8 months has recently reentered AA. His last relapse lasted around 2 months. This new sobriety came out of a very bad night we had a week ago. In short - he was charged with assault and is not currently allowed to contacts me.
We have been in touch a couple of times regardless. I am doing what I can to get the No Contact Order lifted. No judgment please, this is a hard enough time as it is.
I spoke with him today and he told me that he needs space. He says he can't be in a relationship, and that he doesn't know why I would want him after everything anyway. He is so negative about his life, and says he is nothing but a drunk and an addict. He says we can be friends for now. When he speaks to me, he says it takes his mind off of his recovery and he feels awful about what he's done to me and how ****** his life is. He says that all he wants to do is go to AA every day and go home. He won't even tell me if he still wants a future with me anymore.
I feel lost and heartbroken. After everything we have been through, he is just throwing me away. Why is he doing this? Is this typical in recovery???
It's like my best friend just died. I will not be contacting him for a while. I plan to attend alanon meetings and work on myself. I want to believe that if we both heal ourselves, perhaps we can eventually begin to heal our relationship.
Is there any chance that we will make it through this?????? I am trying to have hope but it is so hard.
PLEASE HELP.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: OREGON
Posts: 228
Just concentrate on your recovery. I know that is so hard to do but that is all you can do. If you contacting him is making him have a difficult time with his own recovery, that is not really fair to him either. He needs to concentrate on that so he has a healthy chance at life regardless of your future. The same would go for your own recovery as well. If you are concentrating on just working things out with him, how does that give you time or head space to really concentrate on your own hurts and pains that brought you into a dysfunctional relationship in the first place?
How do I know this? Hmmmm.... I think all of us here know this. Our own hurts and wounds took us to the same place. None of us are the same people. The A's we love, none of them are the same either.
What I do know is, we, that love them... all have some deep seeded wounds. I know that each of them, have some deep seeded wounds. I know that we are all deserving of love and kindness. I know that we are all worthy. I know, the worthiness all must begin with ourselves. I am not sure exactly how to get there. I have not stopped loving my A. I love him with all my heart. However, I love him enough to let him find his own path to happiness, if he can. I love him enough to let him fall if he has to, so he has to pick himself up, brush himself off and do it again until he gets it right, because I can not, nor can you, or anyone else on this support site, do this for our loved ones.
I don't know if you have a child. Parenting is so tricky. We love them with all of our heart. We don't want any situation or any person to hurt our little ones. We want them to be successful in life, whatever that looks like to them. However, we can't choose their life or career choices or who they love, or anything like that. They are going to get hurt.
My daughter, a few years ago, fell off this big dome type monkey bars at school. I picked her up and they said she fell. She kind of guarded her arm all night, but not once did she cry. It did not bruise, nor did it swell. We went out to dinner with my older daughter and grandbaby that night. My younger daughter that fell did not complain once about her arm. She guarded it... but not once did she ever complain. The next morning, she was still guarding it. We took her in to the doctor. She had fractured her arm and they said if she had broken it, it would be easier to heal than the fracture. It took months in a cast. Now, each time I see her go to that monkey bar dome play structure... I cringe. I want to say no, you are going to fall and get hurt... remember that time you fell and got hurt... I don't want you to hurt like that again. Please don't. Yet, if I do that, I am holding her back. She remembers. She know she can get hurt, but she really wants to play on that structure... and be ms. stunt woman. I have to let her do that. I hope and pray she doesn't get hurt again, but she knows those risks and is willing to take them.
I am not sure if this makes sense in anyone else's mind or just my own, as it was a part of my life. However, it is the same with our A's. It is their decision. They know the risks. They know they can fall and get hurt. They know that it is going to hurt others if they fall and get hurt, as we will want to be over them and taking care of them. They know there are consequences.
Right now your ABF is staying away from the monkey bars trying to be safe. If that makes him safe, that is what he needs.
I am tired, not a lot of sleep, but I hope this makes sense. You concentrate on your feeling better... let him concentrate on himself feeling better.... that gives you time to start healing some of your wounds. Please be kind to yourself.
How do I know this? Hmmmm.... I think all of us here know this. Our own hurts and wounds took us to the same place. None of us are the same people. The A's we love, none of them are the same either.
What I do know is, we, that love them... all have some deep seeded wounds. I know that each of them, have some deep seeded wounds. I know that we are all deserving of love and kindness. I know that we are all worthy. I know, the worthiness all must begin with ourselves. I am not sure exactly how to get there. I have not stopped loving my A. I love him with all my heart. However, I love him enough to let him find his own path to happiness, if he can. I love him enough to let him fall if he has to, so he has to pick himself up, brush himself off and do it again until he gets it right, because I can not, nor can you, or anyone else on this support site, do this for our loved ones.
I don't know if you have a child. Parenting is so tricky. We love them with all of our heart. We don't want any situation or any person to hurt our little ones. We want them to be successful in life, whatever that looks like to them. However, we can't choose their life or career choices or who they love, or anything like that. They are going to get hurt.
My daughter, a few years ago, fell off this big dome type monkey bars at school. I picked her up and they said she fell. She kind of guarded her arm all night, but not once did she cry. It did not bruise, nor did it swell. We went out to dinner with my older daughter and grandbaby that night. My younger daughter that fell did not complain once about her arm. She guarded it... but not once did she ever complain. The next morning, she was still guarding it. We took her in to the doctor. She had fractured her arm and they said if she had broken it, it would be easier to heal than the fracture. It took months in a cast. Now, each time I see her go to that monkey bar dome play structure... I cringe. I want to say no, you are going to fall and get hurt... remember that time you fell and got hurt... I don't want you to hurt like that again. Please don't. Yet, if I do that, I am holding her back. She remembers. She know she can get hurt, but she really wants to play on that structure... and be ms. stunt woman. I have to let her do that. I hope and pray she doesn't get hurt again, but she knows those risks and is willing to take them.
I am not sure if this makes sense in anyone else's mind or just my own, as it was a part of my life. However, it is the same with our A's. It is their decision. They know the risks. They know they can fall and get hurt. They know that it is going to hurt others if they fall and get hurt, as we will want to be over them and taking care of them. They know there are consequences.
Right now your ABF is staying away from the monkey bars trying to be safe. If that makes him safe, that is what he needs.
I am tired, not a lot of sleep, but I hope this makes sense. You concentrate on your feeling better... let him concentrate on himself feeling better.... that gives you time to start healing some of your wounds. Please be kind to yourself.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
SantawC.....Yes, it is very smart of you to go to alanon. And--stick with it like glue!! LOL!
Nothing is going to make sense to you until you start healing yourself and begin to really know yourself. You absolutely cannot do this while you are tied up in a dysfunctioinal relationship.
Actually, your boyfriend is right about a couple of things. He is NOT good for you right now. And--he has little chance for sobriety while he is in a dysfunctional relationship.
Sobriety has to be his number one priority if he is ever to attain lasting sobriety.
I am hoping that you will hang around the forum!!! Read the stories--the real-life experiences of others. If you will read through the "stickies" at the top of this main page--it will be a "crash course" education for you! This, along with alanon--and, maybe even a personal counselor of your own can actually help you to change your life--at least the parts that are causing you unhappiness inside yourself....LOL.
This is not the end of the world (it might feel like it).....it might just be the beginning of a better one for you.
It is all in your hands....it is up to you....
You have everything you need
You have brains in your head
and feet in your shoes
You can go any direction you choose
by Dr. Seuss
dandylion
Nothing is going to make sense to you until you start healing yourself and begin to really know yourself. You absolutely cannot do this while you are tied up in a dysfunctioinal relationship.
Actually, your boyfriend is right about a couple of things. He is NOT good for you right now. And--he has little chance for sobriety while he is in a dysfunctional relationship.
Sobriety has to be his number one priority if he is ever to attain lasting sobriety.
I am hoping that you will hang around the forum!!! Read the stories--the real-life experiences of others. If you will read through the "stickies" at the top of this main page--it will be a "crash course" education for you! This, along with alanon--and, maybe even a personal counselor of your own can actually help you to change your life--at least the parts that are causing you unhappiness inside yourself....LOL.
This is not the end of the world (it might feel like it).....it might just be the beginning of a better one for you.
It is all in your hands....it is up to you....
You have everything you need
You have brains in your head
and feet in your shoes
You can go any direction you choose
by Dr. Seuss
dandylion
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
I think the paragraph you wrote about him needing space says it all. Maybe re read it. He,s basically telling you what he needs,how he feels.
WE need to keep the focus on ourselves,after all we choose THEM so obviously we need to work on ourselves too.
WE need to keep the focus on ourselves,after all we choose THEM so obviously we need to work on ourselves too.
Originally Posted by SantawC 
Any insight into this would greatly help. My newly sober (again) boyfriend has completely shut me out. I am trying my best to cope. Please help. Here's what is going on:
My boyfriend of 1 year and 8 months has recently reentered AA. His last relapse lasted around 2 months. This new sobriety came out of a very bad night we had a week ago. In short - he was charged with assault and is not currently allowed to contacts me.
We have been in touch a couple of times regardless. I am doing what I can to get the No Contact Order lifted. No judgment please, this is a hard enough time as it is.
I spoke with him today and he told me that he needs space. He says he can't be in a relationship, and that he doesn't know why I would want him after everything anyway. He is so negative about his life, and says he is nothing but a drunk and an addict. He says we can be friends for now. When he speaks to me, he says it takes his mind off of his recovery and he feels awful about what he's done to me and how ****** his life is. He says that all he wants to do is go to AA every day and go home. He won't even tell me if he still wants a future with me anymore.
I feel lost and heartbroken. After everything we have been through, he is just throwing me away. Why is he doing this? Is this typical in recovery???
It's like my best friend just died. I will not be contacting him for a while. I plan to attend alanon meetings and work on myself. I want to believe that if we both heal ourselves, perhaps we can eventually begin to heal our relationship.
Is there any chance that we will make it through this?????? I am trying to have hope but it is so hard.
PLEASE HELP.
My boyfriend of 1 year and 8 months has recently reentered AA. His last relapse lasted around 2 months. This new sobriety came out of a very bad night we had a week ago. In short - he was charged with assault and is not currently allowed to contacts me.
We have been in touch a couple of times regardless. I am doing what I can to get the No Contact Order lifted. No judgment please, this is a hard enough time as it is.
I spoke with him today and he told me that he needs space. He says he can't be in a relationship, and that he doesn't know why I would want him after everything anyway. He is so negative about his life, and says he is nothing but a drunk and an addict. He says we can be friends for now. When he speaks to me, he says it takes his mind off of his recovery and he feels awful about what he's done to me and how ****** his life is. He says that all he wants to do is go to AA every day and go home. He won't even tell me if he still wants a future with me anymore.
I feel lost and heartbroken. After everything we have been through, he is just throwing me away. Why is he doing this? Is this typical in recovery???
It's like my best friend just died. I will not be contacting him for a while. I plan to attend alanon meetings and work on myself. I want to believe that if we both heal ourselves, perhaps we can eventually begin to heal our relationship.
Is there any chance that we will make it through this?????? I am trying to have hope but it is so hard.
PLEASE HELP.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 8
Thank you all so very much. I am so happy I posted. What you have all said is that I need to take care of myself. That is literally the only thing in my life that I know to be true right now, I just don't know how to do it yet. I hope that al anon, counselling, and staying connected on here will help me relearn how.
I'm starting to understand why people say that we have our own sickness, and that we too need recovery. My father is an alcoholic, so I have been struggling for a long time. But it's always been to just keep repeating the same controlling obsessive behaviour rather than work on myself. I guess it's exactly the same as the alcoholic thinking that it's easier to pick up the drink than it is to work on sobriety. As a result I am now going through this today.
Maybe this is my own rock bottom. I feel so overwhelmed and confused. I hope things become more clear soon.
Thank you all so much. I love you all already! xo
I'm starting to understand why people say that we have our own sickness, and that we too need recovery. My father is an alcoholic, so I have been struggling for a long time. But it's always been to just keep repeating the same controlling obsessive behaviour rather than work on myself. I guess it's exactly the same as the alcoholic thinking that it's easier to pick up the drink than it is to work on sobriety. As a result I am now going through this today.
Maybe this is my own rock bottom. I feel so overwhelmed and confused. I hope things become more clear soon.
Thank you all so much. I love you all already! xo
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: OREGON
Posts: 228
Read, read, read..... and read some more. Get as much info as you can. I first started to read about alcoholism, as that was what brought me here.... I needed to be aware it was not my fault. I needed to read and learn that there are so many similarities in the behaviors that are shown during their battle with themselves that they need that drink or drug of choice. I needed that blame to be put on me in which it had been. I then needed to learn why I was allowing someone or anyone to make me feel this guilt... then I need to learn how to love myself. I am nowhere near the road of being recovered, and like our A's... I don't know that will ever happen. There will be relapses for us as well. We are no better than they are. We need to take our responsibility in our behaviors as well. This is just me and each of our stories is different but all similar. I know for me, I have a really long road in front of me for my own sanity and recovery as I do not want to allow myself to let another person put blame and guilt on me that is not valid. I think we all need that. Own our sh*t when we need to but when it isn't ours, throw it back into their backyard. Ha. I am just cracking the door open an inch right now... and slowly working on this. I think we all still go on an emotional rollercoaster from time to time dealing with this.... have our good days and bad days. We are all searching for peace. Blessings...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
My boyfriend of 1 year and 8 months has recently reentered AA. His last relapse lasted around 2 months. This new sobriety came out of a very bad night we had a week ago. In short - he was charged with assault and is not currently allowed to contacts me.
We have been in touch a couple of times regardless. I am doing what I can to get the No Contact Order lifted. No judgment please, this is a hard enough time as it is.
I spoke with him today and he told me that he needs space. He says he can't be in a relationship, and that he doesn't know why I would want him after everything anyway. He is so negative about his life, and says he is nothing but a drunk and an addict. He says we can be friends for now. When he speaks to me, he says it takes his mind off of his recovery and he feels awful about what he's done to me and how ****** his life is. He says that all he wants to do is go to AA every day and go home. He won't even tell me if he still wants a future with me anymore.
We have been in touch a couple of times regardless. I am doing what I can to get the No Contact Order lifted. No judgment please, this is a hard enough time as it is.
I spoke with him today and he told me that he needs space. He says he can't be in a relationship, and that he doesn't know why I would want him after everything anyway. He is so negative about his life, and says he is nothing but a drunk and an addict. He says we can be friends for now. When he speaks to me, he says it takes his mind off of his recovery and he feels awful about what he's done to me and how ****** his life is. He says that all he wants to do is go to AA every day and go home. He won't even tell me if he still wants a future with me anymore.
I think his reaction is pretty healthy. He's telling you how he feels, you should listen to him. He's giving you a free way out, no guilt, no explanations necessary. I'd take it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I'm very sorry for your pain and can see why you are crushed. But it's true that alcoholilcs are advised to stay out of relationships for the first year because it's enormously difficult to stay sober. Relationships add stress. I'm glad you're working on your own recovery, that's really the only thing that matters now. A big hug.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Only One Person here is going to help you.
btw, it ain't me nor any of the other folks replying on this thread.
It is you.
jmho. Do not plan it. Do it.
Really. No plan required.
Go forth, do it and report back your experience.
Believe whatever you want. But you are correct that you will want to take care of your side. No matter whether he does his.
Help Yourself. Really. No sarcasm nor snark in that.
YOU help YOU.
Alanon. Meetings. Program. Sponsor. Steps. All of it.
Not talking about it. Not planning it. Not hoping it.
Do it.
As they say -- It works IF you work it.
btw, it ain't me nor any of the other folks replying on this thread.
It is you.
Originally Posted by SantawC
I plan to attend alanon meetings and work on myself.
Really. No plan required.
Go forth, do it and report back your experience.
I want to believe that if we both heal ourselves, perhaps we can eventually begin to heal our relationship.
Is there any chance that we will make it through this?????? I am trying to have hope but it is so hard.
PLEASE HELP.
PLEASE HELP.
YOU help YOU.
Alanon. Meetings. Program. Sponsor. Steps. All of it.
Not talking about it. Not planning it. Not hoping it.
Do it.
As they say -- It works IF you work it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 38
I know this is hard to go through and you feel like it is personal but it isn't.
'He says that all he wants to do is go to AA every day and go home" Listen to his words and try not to take it as if he is throwing you away. He needs this time for himself it isn't about you. He is finally at this point and that is wonderful some men never get there.
If you focus on your recovery you might learn some new things about you and realize this was the best thing for everyone.
'He says that all he wants to do is go to AA every day and go home" Listen to his words and try not to take it as if he is throwing you away. He needs this time for himself it isn't about you. He is finally at this point and that is wonderful some men never get there.
If you focus on your recovery you might learn some new things about you and realize this was the best thing for everyone.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
And if you want a peek over the fence of what he is going through . . .
Free On-Line AA Big Book.
Alcoholics Anonymous : Alcoholics Anonymous
You can peek ahead to Chapter 9 -- The Family Afterward, if you want some Happy Wishing Time.
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_chapt9.pdf
But do not get stuck in the Mirror of Desires . . . .
Harry Potter - Mirror of Erised Scene HQ - YouTube
Harry Potter - Mirror of Erised Scene 2 HQ - YouTube
"This mirror gives us neither knowledge nor truth. Men have wasted away in front of it. . . . . I must ask you not to go looking for it. It does not do to dwell on dreams, and forget to live."
Free On-Line AA Big Book.
Alcoholics Anonymous : Alcoholics Anonymous
You can peek ahead to Chapter 9 -- The Family Afterward, if you want some Happy Wishing Time.
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_chapt9.pdf
But do not get stuck in the Mirror of Desires . . . .
Harry Potter - Mirror of Erised Scene HQ - YouTube
Harry Potter - Mirror of Erised Scene 2 HQ - YouTube
"This mirror gives us neither knowledge nor truth. Men have wasted away in front of it. . . . . I must ask you not to go looking for it. It does not do to dwell on dreams, and forget to live."
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
