Fed up...no support at home (sorry,long post)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Deep South, US
Posts: 62
Fed up...no support at home (sorry,long post)
Hi all,
I'm mostly just needing to vent and I have no one here that I can talk to so here it goes:
My brother, who is addicted to prescription meds and alcohol was arrested the other night for shooting a gun inside of his house (he is in a drug/alcohol induced psychosis state and thinks that people are following him and ended up calling the police on himself). So, my mother has been besides herself with worry and anxiety. However, she enables his behaviors, so, when I told her that he needed to go straight to treatment after jail, she said "you're probably right". But, I know that he will manipulate his way out of treatment (he already has, twice!).
Meanwhile, my husband, who is also an alcoholic (happy alcoholic, thank God), has been drinking all week and even more so on the weekend since there is football. Well, yesterday, he invited my mom, her SO, my brothers girlfriend and her 2 kids over for lunch even though I asked him not too b/c I am almost 2 weeks sober and smober (quit smoking) and I really don't need that drama along with their drinking and smoking. I had planned a quiet day for myself. So, when my mom called asking about lunch I told her that I was sorry and that I would rather spend the day to myself because I had quit drinking and smoking (I hadn't told her before that I quit). And she told me...are you ready? "Well, this is not the time to quit smoking and drinking!"!!! Can you believe that my own mother told me that???
I was up at 3:45 stressed out and depressed because of all of this. I have absolutely no one to turn to. I have looked into AA, but, they are at times where I can't go or they are in a bad section of town and I'm scared to go. I can't afford a counselor b/c we have horrible insurance and I can't afford it. My husband is an alcoholic and his first reaction is "have a beer". I can't even turn to my own mother b/c she's so co-dependent and too wrapped up in my brother's life! My friends are too busy in their own lives. Ugh! I just want a normal life but I feel like I'm surrounded my dysfunction!! Anyway, thanks a bunch for listening. I don't post much, but, I'm always on here reading other posts and learning!!! Thanks again!!
I'm mostly just needing to vent and I have no one here that I can talk to so here it goes:
My brother, who is addicted to prescription meds and alcohol was arrested the other night for shooting a gun inside of his house (he is in a drug/alcohol induced psychosis state and thinks that people are following him and ended up calling the police on himself). So, my mother has been besides herself with worry and anxiety. However, she enables his behaviors, so, when I told her that he needed to go straight to treatment after jail, she said "you're probably right". But, I know that he will manipulate his way out of treatment (he already has, twice!).
Meanwhile, my husband, who is also an alcoholic (happy alcoholic, thank God), has been drinking all week and even more so on the weekend since there is football. Well, yesterday, he invited my mom, her SO, my brothers girlfriend and her 2 kids over for lunch even though I asked him not too b/c I am almost 2 weeks sober and smober (quit smoking) and I really don't need that drama along with their drinking and smoking. I had planned a quiet day for myself. So, when my mom called asking about lunch I told her that I was sorry and that I would rather spend the day to myself because I had quit drinking and smoking (I hadn't told her before that I quit). And she told me...are you ready? "Well, this is not the time to quit smoking and drinking!"!!! Can you believe that my own mother told me that???
I was up at 3:45 stressed out and depressed because of all of this. I have absolutely no one to turn to. I have looked into AA, but, they are at times where I can't go or they are in a bad section of town and I'm scared to go. I can't afford a counselor b/c we have horrible insurance and I can't afford it. My husband is an alcoholic and his first reaction is "have a beer". I can't even turn to my own mother b/c she's so co-dependent and too wrapped up in my brother's life! My friends are too busy in their own lives. Ugh! I just want a normal life but I feel like I'm surrounded my dysfunction!! Anyway, thanks a bunch for listening. I don't post much, but, I'm always on here reading other posts and learning!!! Thanks again!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 222
hi there!
First of all I want to say congratulations on 2 weeks of sober-smoberness! Smober, love the word.
I'm in week 4 of sober-smoberness myself and can imagine how hard it must be to stay strong when you feel you don't have much support around you.
But you already stood up for yourself and put your needs before those (lunch needs) of your family. Way to go! Just keep doing that (putting yourself and your s(m)obriety first) and I'm sure the family will understand/adjust eventually.
Sorry to hear that there's no meetings or anything closeby. I don't go to meetings myself but have found lots of support online and in books. I think they do online-chat meetings here on SR every night. Maybe you could start joining those for a start (if you haven't already)?
The SR community is always here for you.
First of all I want to say congratulations on 2 weeks of sober-smoberness! Smober, love the word.
I'm in week 4 of sober-smoberness myself and can imagine how hard it must be to stay strong when you feel you don't have much support around you.
But you already stood up for yourself and put your needs before those (lunch needs) of your family. Way to go! Just keep doing that (putting yourself and your s(m)obriety first) and I'm sure the family will understand/adjust eventually.
Sorry to hear that there's no meetings or anything closeby. I don't go to meetings myself but have found lots of support online and in books. I think they do online-chat meetings here on SR every night. Maybe you could start joining those for a start (if you haven't already)?
The SR community is always here for you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Daytona Beach, FL
Posts: 425
Getting sober is like "waking up" we start to realize how the alcohol and drugs helped us coped with the insanity around us. You might want to think about making some changes and eliminating people in your life for a while until you can get your bearings. I by no means advocate leaving family or divorce, but maybe think about seriously protecting yourself from social situations that are disturbing and setting boundaries to protect yourself. Don't blame others for how they treat you - remember who allows it? I'm only saying this from what you wrote. Sounds like you are frustrated with how people treat you and act that are in your life, but don't really do much to stop it. Some people don't realize how much they are responsible for the drama that happens in their own life. You don't have to be mean or hateful, or even explain yourself. Just don't be available until you are ready. Best of luck.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 126
Congratulations on an outstanding job of staying sober in a situation where you are receiving absolutely NO support. 
:
You are one strong willed tough individual to keep your self sober. You feel like you are surrounded by dysfunction because because you ARE. Make the dysfunction your enemy, use it as a source of strength, refuse to give in, make it your enemy, continue to rise above it. Make it your personal quest to not be swallowed up in it, as you will surely be if you start drinking.
Post on here a lot today. Looks like you may need to vent some more before all the football games are over. Be Strong, we are here for you.
:You are one strong willed tough individual to keep your self sober. You feel like you are surrounded by dysfunction because because you ARE. Make the dysfunction your enemy, use it as a source of strength, refuse to give in, make it your enemy, continue to rise above it. Make it your personal quest to not be swallowed up in it, as you will surely be if you start drinking.
Post on here a lot today. Looks like you may need to vent some more before all the football games are over. Be Strong, we are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic
Posts: 551
Congratulations on your 2 weeks--I can sense your resolve and commitment in your post!
Although my family was supportive of my efforts, they didn't really "get it." Fortunately, SR was a Godsend--just knowing that there were others who understood what I was going through made a huge difference. Stay close to these boards, especially when everything in your "real" life is chaotic. I'm here so much I feel like the SR crowd are "my people!"
Good for you for communicating what you need, even though it wasn't really "heard." Any chance you can get out of the house this afternoon and do something special, just for you? You are creating your own support system. Pedicure, fancy coffee, go on a run/hike/bike ride? Or, can you create a little sanctuary in your own house--a scrumptious snack, great book, bubble bath, hanging out on SR?
Thinking of you!
Although my family was supportive of my efforts, they didn't really "get it." Fortunately, SR was a Godsend--just knowing that there were others who understood what I was going through made a huge difference. Stay close to these boards, especially when everything in your "real" life is chaotic. I'm here so much I feel like the SR crowd are "my people!"
Good for you for communicating what you need, even though it wasn't really "heard." Any chance you can get out of the house this afternoon and do something special, just for you? You are creating your own support system. Pedicure, fancy coffee, go on a run/hike/bike ride? Or, can you create a little sanctuary in your own house--a scrumptious snack, great book, bubble bath, hanging out on SR?
Thinking of you!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 126
Great, Now make today your personal football game. You know you will be tested with people pushing cans of beer at you.
You have the ball, running for the end zone, determined to get there sober.
Those people wanting you to drink are the defense, trying to tackle you, get you down on the ground and pile on you. When they come at you with drink, put a move on them....."NO, not today, I'm not drinking today"
Be strong.
You have the ball, running for the end zone, determined to get there sober.
Those people wanting you to drink are the defense, trying to tackle you, get you down on the ground and pile on you. When they come at you with drink, put a move on them....."NO, not today, I'm not drinking today"
Be strong.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
If all the drinking, smoking, using, yelling, dysfunctional folks come to your house to watch football, you can always go somewhere else!
You could go to the library, for a long walk, wander around a store, visit a long lost friend, go work out. Even if you're not a member, most gyms will let you pay to come for a single afternoon - you can work out, take a sauna, sit around reading magazines in the gym lobby...
Ultimately, you'll come up with long-term solutions and decisions, but for right now, you just need exit plans when the family chaos comes to you.
Gee, sometimes I get awfully lonely up here in the wilds of Alaska, far from family and friends, but it makes it a lot easier to find the quiet place inside.
Protect yourself and save yourself. Even just for an afternoon.
No need to give up and abandon yourself to the chaos. Of course they'll say things that aren't supportive - until folks feel the pull to sobriety themselves, or have an experience of it, it makes absolutely no sense to them. You are doing something that confuses them and makes them uncomfortable. Disregard their feedback - you know yourself, and that's all you need to know...
You could go to the library, for a long walk, wander around a store, visit a long lost friend, go work out. Even if you're not a member, most gyms will let you pay to come for a single afternoon - you can work out, take a sauna, sit around reading magazines in the gym lobby...
Ultimately, you'll come up with long-term solutions and decisions, but for right now, you just need exit plans when the family chaos comes to you.
Gee, sometimes I get awfully lonely up here in the wilds of Alaska, far from family and friends, but it makes it a lot easier to find the quiet place inside.
Protect yourself and save yourself. Even just for an afternoon.
No need to give up and abandon yourself to the chaos. Of course they'll say things that aren't supportive - until folks feel the pull to sobriety themselves, or have an experience of it, it makes absolutely no sense to them. You are doing something that confuses them and makes them uncomfortable. Disregard their feedback - you know yourself, and that's all you need to know...
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Congrats to you!
I cannot even imagine how hard it has to be dealing with all of them! Goodness! Make sure they all know you are firm in your own recovery, how important it is to you. Sometimes the best way one can lead is by example.
You may also want to check out online meetings. While I have not done those, I hear others who do and have been quite pleased.
Good luck to you!
I cannot even imagine how hard it has to be dealing with all of them! Goodness! Make sure they all know you are firm in your own recovery, how important it is to you. Sometimes the best way one can lead is by example.
You may also want to check out online meetings. While I have not done those, I hear others who do and have been quite pleased.
Good luck to you!
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 234
Do we have the same brother? Mine has been in prison for most of his life due to the countless consequences of his drug addiction. My parents have enabled him all of his life and here he is, around 60 yrs old and has never worked enough to earn social security. He has however worked the system enough to collect disability for his mental disorder which was caused by drugs. Still coming to my mom for gas money and to unload his problems. He's not living here now but comes and goes. He has messed up his brain and is weird, and frankly I am afraid of him. I am taking care of my critically ill mom and have this guy to deal with.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,449
my hats off to you! quitting smoking and drinking at the same time AND being surrounded by dysfunction. WOW. That is quite a load all at once, you should be very proud of yourself 
I like NorMars idea of using all that as a personal obstacle to overcome. Try to turn all that negative into a positive. Posts like yours always remind me that I am lucky to have a family/friends that support my choice for sobriety as I realize that not all of us are so lucky. Some definitely have a harder journey due to the fact that they have all this going on. You can do this.
I like NorMars idea of using all that as a personal obstacle to overcome. Try to turn all that negative into a positive. Posts like yours always remind me that I am lucky to have a family/friends that support my choice for sobriety as I realize that not all of us are so lucky. Some definitely have a harder journey due to the fact that they have all this going on. You can do this.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
