Broken after Breakup
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 8
Broken after Breakup
Hello there, everyone. I am brand new here... My heart is so incredibly shattered right now and I'm in search of perspective. I broke it off with my boyfriend of 20 months four days ago...on his birthday, right before dropping him off at the ER for a broken wrist he managed to acquire the night before his birthday. His wrist was broken because he was trying to climb out of a 10-12' high treehouse, lost his footing on the ladder, and fell. He had been drinking all day and had gone up to the treehouse to drink some more.
Earlier in the day, I had cleaned, baked, started prepping dinner, and tried to make things special for his birthday. I was to be out of town on his actual birthday the next day, but I wanted to at least try to do a little something special the day before at least. He ended up being out most of the day and evening, as I mentioned - drinking, and though he said he was going to try to be home by 4, I finally had to go and pick him up at his friend's house at 8. He was lit, we argued on the way home and at home over another lie that he had told me and for being out so late when I had told him I had birthday plans. {His excuse was his friend was his ride and he didn't have any say over when he came home...but phone calls would have been nice - I would have gladly picked him up} I'm not sure why I even tried to have a conversation with him, he was so drunk. He was turning the stove top on and off and the toaster oven on without anything in it...ugh. So I assumed he was hungry and tried to finish making our late dinner.
Before dinner was finished, he passed out on the bed. Half an hour later, he was up complaining of excruciating wrist pain - his wrist and leg were both swollen, his eye was dark...I was terrified as he said he didn't know what was happening. We were both clueless. For 20 minutes I was online trying to research what could cause sudden swelling in a hand and leg simultaneously...I thought it could even be blood clots. Finally, he says, "Oooh...I remember what happened. I fell off the top of the ladder and fell hard on my arm."
Internally, I was livid. Every attempt that I had made all day to make his day special, he spoiled with alcohol. But externally, I was calm, compassionate, and caring, and took great care to help him be as comfortable as possible until we could get to the hospital in the morning. {He didn't want to go that night} . I slept about 2 hours that night because I knew then that I had reached my limit.
I moved in with him just one year ago days before his birthday - and on his last birthday, he was just as impossible {again, despite everything I had done to make his day special, he insulted me repeatedly in front of a friend and never even acknowleged anything other than to criticize.} My bags were packed on that birthday, too. I felt I had made a huge mistake moving in. But he was so remorseful the next day...I believed him, and I stayed.
I was there for a year and it was a whole year filled with drama, insults, meanness, chaos, and confusion - when he was drinking. Sober, he was absolutely wonderful - charming, funny, fun, amazing, kind, sensitive, giving...just precious. We had SO many great times together - we were peas in a pod, until the alcohol kicked in. Then he became someone I didn't know and it seemed like he was intent on saying things to break my heart.
I can't tell you how many times I nearly left in the last year. I come from a long line of strong women and my instincts were always to not put of with any kind of bull and mistreatment from anyone. But I loved him so. I love him so even now. He would write sweet, apologetic notes the next day, he'd beg, he'd cry...he said he truly could not live without me and that I was his world, his universe. And I would believe him. But his behavior never changed. He did last month stop drinking 5 days - and that was wonderful! He stayed really busy making art, we played games, we just had a lot of nice chill time together.
Incidentally, he's had two dui's - both before he met me, but when he served his six weeks for the second one, we were in a relationship. While he was in jail, I wrote him a letter every.single.day. And he wrote me nearly daily as well. So many wonderful, sweet written conversations...that's when he asked if I would move in with him. When he got out of jail, we had a couple of peaceful, awesome months before we moved in together, and then it seems like everything went downhill from there.
My conscience is 100% clear in making the decision to finally leave. I have tried...GOD how I've tried, I've given chances, I've believed in promises, I've bent over backwards to be the best possible girlfriend, to make sure our home was cozy, to make regular good meals {when we first met, he'd hardly EVER eat, which bothered me...but one thing I'll always cherish about our relationship is that he got to the point where he'd look forward to dinners and we'd often cook together - or he'd cook for me...we even had a little herb and veggie garden}, I'd take him anywhere he'd need to go, I helped him with his jobs {he's a carpenter}...I did everything I could and gladly did it. I wanted us to be a team.
But I felt like I was losing myself - not only because of his bad treatment when he was drunk, but because he was possessive and extremely accusatory and suspicious. He felt uncomfortable when I went out with a girlfiend and would often end up getting upset at me or texting me horrible messages while I was out, ruining my visit with my friends. Once he thought he heard me close the toilet lid and then he accused me of having another man over while he was at work. I used the term picnic "blanket" instead of picnic tablecloth once when telling him that I had planned on taking my girls {not his kids} to the park for a picnic...and he got extremely suspicious and concerned over what I was REALLY planned with a picnic "blanket"??? The first time he met all of my friends, he called me the worst name anyone could call a woman - in front of them all. I was mortified and humiliated. And recently, we were hanging out with some of his friends, and suddenly he became angry at me out of the blue...I have no idea why, but he threatened to "punch the sh$t" out of me. Though he's never touched me, he has kicked in a couple of doors when I've retreated to another room to avoid the insanity. "I would never really hurt you!...Doors don't have feelings!" he says...
So the other day, I broke up with him and dropped him off at the ER to get his wrist taken care of. Of course, then I got texts saying he wants to fix this, "so sorry!" and so on and so on.
But that was the final straw for me. My parents, who live an hour away, have said that I can live in the room off their garage for as long as I need to. I've gotten all of my things all boxed up in the house, my father is coming on Tuesday to move my stuff out, and I may already have a job near my new "home". When I was at the house today packing, he was upset, distant, cold - but he behaved himself otherwise. He said that from his perspective, he thought it was mostly a really good year with a lot of great times. Though there were so many good times, BEAUTIFUL times, even, I feel like because he was drunk when times were bad - and he can't remember most of it -he may think I'm just blowing things out of proportion. To him, the year WAS mostly awesome because he has poor recollection of the bad. "Every couple has arguements and disagreements" he's said, "and they get through it and move on." Ugh.
When I was finishing packing today, I wanted him to know how much this process was hurting ME because I love him so much - this is just killing me. But his response was that I was the one that was making the decision to leave, not him - "because he has no sa in it"...there's nothing he can do at this point. I told him that he was the one to make the decision to behave the way he did for an entire year due to drinking and *I* had no say in that, and that there was nothing I can do at this point.
Much of what I've read online seems to indicate that you pretty much need to put yourself in your own world outside of your alcholics world because they are going to do their thing - so you should do yours. But despite my deep love for him, I cannot live that way with him. I want him fully present in our relationship - not just a few hours a day. I don't want a part-time boyfriend/part-time cruel stranger. While it's heartbreaking to let go of him, it's even more heartbreaking to be with him. In another year, he's eligible to get his license back...if he can fall out of a tree, break his wrist, and not remember, what will happen {again} with car keys in hand? I just can't stand by and watch.
The house looks desolate now. 90% of the things there belonged to me...I had a lot of art, decorative items, color, color, color...and now things look just...sad. When my boxes are gone, it will be as I wasn't even there at all, that there was no "we". I cried so much during packing He's in an empty, lonely house, he can't drive, his wrist is broken, I don't know how he's going to work, he has hardly any friends, and I had no options left but to leave him. And it could have all been prevented.
I know, KNOW without a doubt that I made the right decision. I have no "chances" left to give. I'm exhausted, in shock, confused, and grieving for the loss of him and all the "could have beens". If there is any advice you could give me to help me get through this loss, please let me know. Thank you.
P.S. I forgot to mention, he's in his early 30's and has been drinking since around 14 or so....
Earlier in the day, I had cleaned, baked, started prepping dinner, and tried to make things special for his birthday. I was to be out of town on his actual birthday the next day, but I wanted to at least try to do a little something special the day before at least. He ended up being out most of the day and evening, as I mentioned - drinking, and though he said he was going to try to be home by 4, I finally had to go and pick him up at his friend's house at 8. He was lit, we argued on the way home and at home over another lie that he had told me and for being out so late when I had told him I had birthday plans. {His excuse was his friend was his ride and he didn't have any say over when he came home...but phone calls would have been nice - I would have gladly picked him up} I'm not sure why I even tried to have a conversation with him, he was so drunk. He was turning the stove top on and off and the toaster oven on without anything in it...ugh. So I assumed he was hungry and tried to finish making our late dinner.
Before dinner was finished, he passed out on the bed. Half an hour later, he was up complaining of excruciating wrist pain - his wrist and leg were both swollen, his eye was dark...I was terrified as he said he didn't know what was happening. We were both clueless. For 20 minutes I was online trying to research what could cause sudden swelling in a hand and leg simultaneously...I thought it could even be blood clots. Finally, he says, "Oooh...I remember what happened. I fell off the top of the ladder and fell hard on my arm."
Internally, I was livid. Every attempt that I had made all day to make his day special, he spoiled with alcohol. But externally, I was calm, compassionate, and caring, and took great care to help him be as comfortable as possible until we could get to the hospital in the morning. {He didn't want to go that night} . I slept about 2 hours that night because I knew then that I had reached my limit.
I moved in with him just one year ago days before his birthday - and on his last birthday, he was just as impossible {again, despite everything I had done to make his day special, he insulted me repeatedly in front of a friend and never even acknowleged anything other than to criticize.} My bags were packed on that birthday, too. I felt I had made a huge mistake moving in. But he was so remorseful the next day...I believed him, and I stayed.
I was there for a year and it was a whole year filled with drama, insults, meanness, chaos, and confusion - when he was drinking. Sober, he was absolutely wonderful - charming, funny, fun, amazing, kind, sensitive, giving...just precious. We had SO many great times together - we were peas in a pod, until the alcohol kicked in. Then he became someone I didn't know and it seemed like he was intent on saying things to break my heart.
I can't tell you how many times I nearly left in the last year. I come from a long line of strong women and my instincts were always to not put of with any kind of bull and mistreatment from anyone. But I loved him so. I love him so even now. He would write sweet, apologetic notes the next day, he'd beg, he'd cry...he said he truly could not live without me and that I was his world, his universe. And I would believe him. But his behavior never changed. He did last month stop drinking 5 days - and that was wonderful! He stayed really busy making art, we played games, we just had a lot of nice chill time together.
Incidentally, he's had two dui's - both before he met me, but when he served his six weeks for the second one, we were in a relationship. While he was in jail, I wrote him a letter every.single.day. And he wrote me nearly daily as well. So many wonderful, sweet written conversations...that's when he asked if I would move in with him. When he got out of jail, we had a couple of peaceful, awesome months before we moved in together, and then it seems like everything went downhill from there.
My conscience is 100% clear in making the decision to finally leave. I have tried...GOD how I've tried, I've given chances, I've believed in promises, I've bent over backwards to be the best possible girlfriend, to make sure our home was cozy, to make regular good meals {when we first met, he'd hardly EVER eat, which bothered me...but one thing I'll always cherish about our relationship is that he got to the point where he'd look forward to dinners and we'd often cook together - or he'd cook for me...we even had a little herb and veggie garden}, I'd take him anywhere he'd need to go, I helped him with his jobs {he's a carpenter}...I did everything I could and gladly did it. I wanted us to be a team.
But I felt like I was losing myself - not only because of his bad treatment when he was drunk, but because he was possessive and extremely accusatory and suspicious. He felt uncomfortable when I went out with a girlfiend and would often end up getting upset at me or texting me horrible messages while I was out, ruining my visit with my friends. Once he thought he heard me close the toilet lid and then he accused me of having another man over while he was at work. I used the term picnic "blanket" instead of picnic tablecloth once when telling him that I had planned on taking my girls {not his kids} to the park for a picnic...and he got extremely suspicious and concerned over what I was REALLY planned with a picnic "blanket"??? The first time he met all of my friends, he called me the worst name anyone could call a woman - in front of them all. I was mortified and humiliated. And recently, we were hanging out with some of his friends, and suddenly he became angry at me out of the blue...I have no idea why, but he threatened to "punch the sh$t" out of me. Though he's never touched me, he has kicked in a couple of doors when I've retreated to another room to avoid the insanity. "I would never really hurt you!...Doors don't have feelings!" he says...
So the other day, I broke up with him and dropped him off at the ER to get his wrist taken care of. Of course, then I got texts saying he wants to fix this, "so sorry!" and so on and so on.
But that was the final straw for me. My parents, who live an hour away, have said that I can live in the room off their garage for as long as I need to. I've gotten all of my things all boxed up in the house, my father is coming on Tuesday to move my stuff out, and I may already have a job near my new "home". When I was at the house today packing, he was upset, distant, cold - but he behaved himself otherwise. He said that from his perspective, he thought it was mostly a really good year with a lot of great times. Though there were so many good times, BEAUTIFUL times, even, I feel like because he was drunk when times were bad - and he can't remember most of it -he may think I'm just blowing things out of proportion. To him, the year WAS mostly awesome because he has poor recollection of the bad. "Every couple has arguements and disagreements" he's said, "and they get through it and move on." Ugh.
When I was finishing packing today, I wanted him to know how much this process was hurting ME because I love him so much - this is just killing me. But his response was that I was the one that was making the decision to leave, not him - "because he has no sa in it"...there's nothing he can do at this point. I told him that he was the one to make the decision to behave the way he did for an entire year due to drinking and *I* had no say in that, and that there was nothing I can do at this point.
Much of what I've read online seems to indicate that you pretty much need to put yourself in your own world outside of your alcholics world because they are going to do their thing - so you should do yours. But despite my deep love for him, I cannot live that way with him. I want him fully present in our relationship - not just a few hours a day. I don't want a part-time boyfriend/part-time cruel stranger. While it's heartbreaking to let go of him, it's even more heartbreaking to be with him. In another year, he's eligible to get his license back...if he can fall out of a tree, break his wrist, and not remember, what will happen {again} with car keys in hand? I just can't stand by and watch.
The house looks desolate now. 90% of the things there belonged to me...I had a lot of art, decorative items, color, color, color...and now things look just...sad. When my boxes are gone, it will be as I wasn't even there at all, that there was no "we". I cried so much during packing He's in an empty, lonely house, he can't drive, his wrist is broken, I don't know how he's going to work, he has hardly any friends, and I had no options left but to leave him. And it could have all been prevented.
I know, KNOW without a doubt that I made the right decision. I have no "chances" left to give. I'm exhausted, in shock, confused, and grieving for the loss of him and all the "could have beens". If there is any advice you could give me to help me get through this loss, please let me know. Thank you.
P.S. I forgot to mention, he's in his early 30's and has been drinking since around 14 or so....
Magsie
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,663
Hi Sunshine, I just read your post and admiration for you comes out of my every being.
I was the drinker and could be so horrible when I drunk but didn't remember half of it. My husband put up with it and we sorta went our separate ways for a while. I've stopped and my life is completely different, I'm learning to live again without booze, it's exhilarating and opening up deep hidden memories.
You are spot on, you can't live with jeckyl and Hyde and him putting you down, hitting the door or wall, he remembers this because of the evidence, one day it could've been you.
It's up to him to get sober, no one can help him until he realises he has a problem and helps himself.
I'm so pleased you have your mums to go to and a job, you have it under control, you are a strong woman and the main priority is your children and you are safe.
Don't worry about him all he thinks of at this time is his next drink, you leaving might be the wake up call he needs to turn his life around.
But you and your children are your main priority, there's lots of words of wisdom and experience from people who've been through what you're going through who will come and talk.
Stay safe, be strong, you did the right move.x
I was the drinker and could be so horrible when I drunk but didn't remember half of it. My husband put up with it and we sorta went our separate ways for a while. I've stopped and my life is completely different, I'm learning to live again without booze, it's exhilarating and opening up deep hidden memories.
You are spot on, you can't live with jeckyl and Hyde and him putting you down, hitting the door or wall, he remembers this because of the evidence, one day it could've been you.
It's up to him to get sober, no one can help him until he realises he has a problem and helps himself.
I'm so pleased you have your mums to go to and a job, you have it under control, you are a strong woman and the main priority is your children and you are safe.
Don't worry about him all he thinks of at this time is his next drink, you leaving might be the wake up call he needs to turn his life around.
But you and your children are your main priority, there's lots of words of wisdom and experience from people who've been through what you're going through who will come and talk.
Stay safe, be strong, you did the right move.x
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
You are doing the right thing for yourself and your girls. I waited five years for a miracle, and the only thing that happened was that he deteriorated, became less functional, more abusive, started injuring himself more severely more often, took less and less responsibility for his actions. By the time I left I was wishing for one of us to die on a daily basis because the situation was so intolerable.
I had to move back in with my mom (I'm 36). But in about a year I have gotten my 2 boys settled in school, found a job, rented a house, bought a car, written 95% of a novel and become an active member of Alanon. More than I achieved in the whole 5 years I wasted waiting on him to sober up so that I could be happy and have the life I wanted.
Good for you. I know this is a hard time, going through this transition, but if you focus on healing yourself, this difficult time can be the beginning of a wonderful journey for you.
Big hugs to you and your girls. Thanks for your wonderful post and welcome.
I had to move back in with my mom (I'm 36). But in about a year I have gotten my 2 boys settled in school, found a job, rented a house, bought a car, written 95% of a novel and become an active member of Alanon. More than I achieved in the whole 5 years I wasted waiting on him to sober up so that I could be happy and have the life I wanted.
Good for you. I know this is a hard time, going through this transition, but if you focus on healing yourself, this difficult time can be the beginning of a wonderful journey for you.
Big hugs to you and your girls. Thanks for your wonderful post and welcome.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Reading your post brought back so many memories. I used to run myself ragged trying to be thoughtful and make things nice for him. Cooking, cleaning, picking out everything he liked or might have wanted for a special meal or putting myself out to celebrate a special occasion.
And he just drank. And drank. And drank some more. And then he'd rage, and be nasty, curse, call me names, make threats.
He punched holes in walls, broke furniture, smashed dishes.
And I cleaned up his messes, tried to make everything alright again.
By the time he started physically attacking me, I was so worn down that it didn't seem to matter. I hit him back. Beat him with a baseball bat, a frying pan, stabbed him in the neck, but he never seemed to feel any pain, and none of it ever stopped him from hurting me. He never even remembered how he'd gotten hurt. In his world, none of that stuff ever happened. So I started to feel crazy.
I was crazy. Living that way for so long made me crazy.
You were smart to get out early.
And he just drank. And drank. And drank some more. And then he'd rage, and be nasty, curse, call me names, make threats.
He punched holes in walls, broke furniture, smashed dishes.
And I cleaned up his messes, tried to make everything alright again.
By the time he started physically attacking me, I was so worn down that it didn't seem to matter. I hit him back. Beat him with a baseball bat, a frying pan, stabbed him in the neck, but he never seemed to feel any pain, and none of it ever stopped him from hurting me. He never even remembered how he'd gotten hurt. In his world, none of that stuff ever happened. So I started to feel crazy.
I was crazy. Living that way for so long made me crazy.
You were smart to get out early.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
Yup, they're charming, fun, romantic & intelligent...until they are vicious, ungrateful, self destructive, & doomed (in a groundhogs day kind of way) to repeat their losses over & over...
I am an alcoholic and have loved alcoholics.
I support your decision to go. It is carefully considered, wise, & self-preserving.
Don't dismiss the good memories (because you deserve to have those, they are yours & special), but don't let them confuse you. Alcoholism is progressive. You clearly describe an alcoholic. The situation will continue to deteriorate.
I am happy that you have viable options & send you heartfelt wishes for strength as you move through this. I'm sorry this particular dream was unrealized for you. Alcohol poisons dreams...
Power up, sister. Everything is going to be ok, & some of it will be amazing!
I am an alcoholic and have loved alcoholics.
I support your decision to go. It is carefully considered, wise, & self-preserving.
Don't dismiss the good memories (because you deserve to have those, they are yours & special), but don't let them confuse you. Alcoholism is progressive. You clearly describe an alcoholic. The situation will continue to deteriorate.
I am happy that you have viable options & send you heartfelt wishes for strength as you move through this. I'm sorry this particular dream was unrealized for you. Alcohol poisons dreams...
Power up, sister. Everything is going to be ok, & some of it will be amazing!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 537
I have nothing more to add than what's already been said by others far wiser, and far further down the pathway to healing than I. The is so much in your very insightful post that I can relate to, and I only wish I had the presence of mind to be as smart as you are being right now.
If my experience is anything to go by, you have very much done the right thing, at the right time. It is HARD to reconcile those seemingly two separate persoanlities into one human being, and you have every right to grieve all the good times you did have.
You are brave (you might not feel it), and are strong. You've put your kids, and yourself first. As you've been learning, nothing you do or don't do is going to change his outcome.
Best wishes to you for everything wonderful that will be in your future.
If my experience is anything to go by, you have very much done the right thing, at the right time. It is HARD to reconcile those seemingly two separate persoanlities into one human being, and you have every right to grieve all the good times you did have.
You are brave (you might not feel it), and are strong. You've put your kids, and yourself first. As you've been learning, nothing you do or don't do is going to change his outcome.
Best wishes to you for everything wonderful that will be in your future.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 9
I have recently discovered my boyfriend is an alcoholic and all this sounds so familiar... running yourself ragged to be a perfect girlfriend, the dual personalities, the downplaying of his behaviour. You are making the best decision and it's one I hope to be able to make myself one day. I know this is a hard time but your courage is an inspiration to all of us (: kia kaha x
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
SunshineGypsy......I would like to add one concept to all the other excellent posts that you have recieved. Those good times that you had and cherish....you can have those good times and BETTER with another partner whose first priority is not an addiction.
My suggestion to you is that you need to heal yourself well....spend some time understanding yourself...what makes you "tick" and what you need in a relationship. Devote some time just to work on yourself....it will pay off in spades for your future happiness and peace of mind.
This was not your only chance at happiness in a relationship......the best can be yet to come.....
dandylion
My suggestion to you is that you need to heal yourself well....spend some time understanding yourself...what makes you "tick" and what you need in a relationship. Devote some time just to work on yourself....it will pay off in spades for your future happiness and peace of mind.
This was not your only chance at happiness in a relationship......the best can be yet to come.....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: VA
Posts: 142
I could have written your post, word for word. 18 months here & ended it 5 days ago because I found out he's been cheating. I wish I had some advice on how to get through it. I'm struggling too. But I realize now how much he damaged my self-esteem. I am in counseling, leaning on friends & on the wonderful people on here. I have kept all the mean texts he has sent me & I read them when I need to feel strong. It angers me & helps me remember why I'm doing this. Stay strong, you DON'T deserve what he put you through. Cut off all contact so he can't reel you back in. Hugs. I feel your pain.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
But he was so remorseful the next day...I believed him, and I stayed.
classic part of the Cycle of Abuse.
The Cycle Of Abuse
The cycle of abuse can leave you feeling crazy. The abuser’s behavior can swing quickly from sweet and seemingly kind to angry and hurtful. It is typical to feel as though you are “walking on eggshells.” Some women have said that he seemed to be like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. In time you may realize that the sweet behavior is actually manipulation. His purpose is to control you. His gifts and kindness always have strings attached. He is quickly angry if you refuse his “gifts.” The cycle may not necessarily follow the pattern of “honeymoon”, “tension” and “explosion.” He may jump between the three phases. He may stay in “honeymoon” for a few minutes or a few weeks before the “tension” or “explosion” hit. The pattern generally deteriorates over time; he spends more and more time in the “tension” and “explosion” phases, and only gives enough “honeymoon” to keep you hopeful in the relationship.
Cycle Of Abuse: Copywrited in 2008 by Jill Cory & Karen McAndless-Davis
Tension:
Insults, threats, sarcasms, jealousy, accusations, fault finding, controls activities, quick mood changes, distant
Explosion:
Intimidating body language, constrains you from leaving, throwing things, slamming doors, silent treatment, physical assault, name calling, swearing, yelling
Honeymoon:
Apologetic, respectful, improved communication, more attentive, helps around the house, promises to change, gives gifts & compliments, spends time with family and you.
classic part of the Cycle of Abuse.
The Cycle Of Abuse
The cycle of abuse can leave you feeling crazy. The abuser’s behavior can swing quickly from sweet and seemingly kind to angry and hurtful. It is typical to feel as though you are “walking on eggshells.” Some women have said that he seemed to be like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. In time you may realize that the sweet behavior is actually manipulation. His purpose is to control you. His gifts and kindness always have strings attached. He is quickly angry if you refuse his “gifts.” The cycle may not necessarily follow the pattern of “honeymoon”, “tension” and “explosion.” He may jump between the three phases. He may stay in “honeymoon” for a few minutes or a few weeks before the “tension” or “explosion” hit. The pattern generally deteriorates over time; he spends more and more time in the “tension” and “explosion” phases, and only gives enough “honeymoon” to keep you hopeful in the relationship.
Cycle Of Abuse: Copywrited in 2008 by Jill Cory & Karen McAndless-Davis
Tension:
Insults, threats, sarcasms, jealousy, accusations, fault finding, controls activities, quick mood changes, distant
Explosion:
Intimidating body language, constrains you from leaving, throwing things, slamming doors, silent treatment, physical assault, name calling, swearing, yelling
Honeymoon:
Apologetic, respectful, improved communication, more attentive, helps around the house, promises to change, gives gifts & compliments, spends time with family and you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Time. That's what you need.
Your frame of mind is very healthy. You are amazingly self-aware and you did the right thing. All of us have wished and hoped and prayed over an alcoholic's potential - in vain mostly.
I agree to go no-contact. It is for your sanity. He has made the decision to blow this up. You are done. Keep that as your mantra. Block his calls/texts. Drop him in social media. Don't answer the door if he shows up. No more words between you is the best and fastest way to healing. I've been where you are - three times - because the first two times I didn't learn enough.
((eHug)) Well done.
Your frame of mind is very healthy. You are amazingly self-aware and you did the right thing. All of us have wished and hoped and prayed over an alcoholic's potential - in vain mostly.
I agree to go no-contact. It is for your sanity. He has made the decision to blow this up. You are done. Keep that as your mantra. Block his calls/texts. Drop him in social media. Don't answer the door if he shows up. No more words between you is the best and fastest way to healing. I've been where you are - three times - because the first two times I didn't learn enough.
((eHug)) Well done.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 8
Oh, my goodness...I've just all of your kind replies this morning and it brought tears to my eyes. I am so, so thankful and blessed to have found this forum!!! It has only been a few days since I broke it off, but I can already feel a huge burden lifted off me mentally and emotionally. I have HOPE and a bright future ahead of me and there is absolutely no one to hold me back now. I'm in a good, good place!
Much love and hugs to those of you who have been there or ARE still on the other side of leaving. It is a very tough decision because of the love we have for our significant others, and living in that kind of environment over a period of time, well - as some have mentioned - it just messes with your head and you don't know if you're coming or going! OH my gosh... I can't even count how many times I've loaded my car up with things fully intending to leave - but I stayed..only to have the cycle of manipulation and bad treatment to continue. But you all are right. It won't ever end until the alcoholic decides to stop drinking for good. It just doesn't matter much effort you put forth...they are incapable of true appreciation and respect as long as they are drinkers. I finally came to grips with this and acted on what my gut had been telling me since I moved in. Though it was a year, I am glad that it was *only* a year... I didn't want to get to the place where I got so crazy from the chaos that it became "normal" and acceptable to me.
For those of you that decided to leave and are benefitting so much from doing so, you are such an inspiration! It's encouraging to hear success stories and only confirms that I made the right step. And to those that have not yet left but are considering it, you have complete support and listening ear and shoulder... I KNOW it's not easy to go, especially if financial issues are a concern. The night that he told me he wanted to punch the sh$t out of me, I knew I needed to start planning to leave. I wanted to try to hang in there as long as possible to save money for my own place {I didn't want to tell my parents - they had no idea I was living with an alcoholic...I never wanted them to worry...} I was going to try to just roll with it until I could leave. Even after that, there were instances when times were good that I felt like "maybe this COULD work afterall". Crazy, huh?
But I've always been the kind of person that procecesses major decisions internally for a while - knowing like I said, in my gut, what I should do...but...still I mull and mull until in ONE almost surreal magical/miraculous instant, my heart and mind just KNOW what I have to and nothing could change my mind. Done. I had one of those moments while trying to sleep the night he fell out of the tree. The next morning, he got up, offered to make coffee, and kissed me on my cheek as I lay half awake on the sofa. I knew it would be the last kiss. I fnally had to break down and tell my parents because I had no where else to go. They've welcomed me with open arms while I get my life back on track and save up for my own place.
LadyScribbler, you touched me and are especially an inspiration...I am 40 and moving in with my parents Tuesday {I was a stay at home mom and married for nearly 20 years...getting back into the workfield has been tough}. But I know that I'll get to where I need with hard work and time, just like you! My girls are 13 and 15 and spent every other weekend with me - and I would visit them throughout the week. Fortunately, the didn't live in an alcoholic environment full-time, and when they did visit, somehow he managed to stay in control of his drinking.
Anvilhead, thank you for posting The Cycle of Abuse! Wow, that is SPOT ON! Now I definitely feel like I'm not crazy or that I didn't try hard enough...When I left, I told him that all I've ever wanted was a simple, peaceful, drama-free home life with someone that I hoped to grow old with - and that's just not possible with an alcoholic who won't help themselves.
Thank you ALL, for your encouraging words...I cannot tell you how much this means to me. Much love to all!
Much love and hugs to those of you who have been there or ARE still on the other side of leaving. It is a very tough decision because of the love we have for our significant others, and living in that kind of environment over a period of time, well - as some have mentioned - it just messes with your head and you don't know if you're coming or going! OH my gosh... I can't even count how many times I've loaded my car up with things fully intending to leave - but I stayed..only to have the cycle of manipulation and bad treatment to continue. But you all are right. It won't ever end until the alcoholic decides to stop drinking for good. It just doesn't matter much effort you put forth...they are incapable of true appreciation and respect as long as they are drinkers. I finally came to grips with this and acted on what my gut had been telling me since I moved in. Though it was a year, I am glad that it was *only* a year... I didn't want to get to the place where I got so crazy from the chaos that it became "normal" and acceptable to me.
For those of you that decided to leave and are benefitting so much from doing so, you are such an inspiration! It's encouraging to hear success stories and only confirms that I made the right step. And to those that have not yet left but are considering it, you have complete support and listening ear and shoulder... I KNOW it's not easy to go, especially if financial issues are a concern. The night that he told me he wanted to punch the sh$t out of me, I knew I needed to start planning to leave. I wanted to try to hang in there as long as possible to save money for my own place {I didn't want to tell my parents - they had no idea I was living with an alcoholic...I never wanted them to worry...} I was going to try to just roll with it until I could leave. Even after that, there were instances when times were good that I felt like "maybe this COULD work afterall". Crazy, huh?
But I've always been the kind of person that procecesses major decisions internally for a while - knowing like I said, in my gut, what I should do...but...still I mull and mull until in ONE almost surreal magical/miraculous instant, my heart and mind just KNOW what I have to and nothing could change my mind. Done. I had one of those moments while trying to sleep the night he fell out of the tree. The next morning, he got up, offered to make coffee, and kissed me on my cheek as I lay half awake on the sofa. I knew it would be the last kiss. I fnally had to break down and tell my parents because I had no where else to go. They've welcomed me with open arms while I get my life back on track and save up for my own place.
LadyScribbler, you touched me and are especially an inspiration...I am 40 and moving in with my parents Tuesday {I was a stay at home mom and married for nearly 20 years...getting back into the workfield has been tough}. But I know that I'll get to where I need with hard work and time, just like you! My girls are 13 and 15 and spent every other weekend with me - and I would visit them throughout the week. Fortunately, the didn't live in an alcoholic environment full-time, and when they did visit, somehow he managed to stay in control of his drinking.
Anvilhead, thank you for posting The Cycle of Abuse! Wow, that is SPOT ON! Now I definitely feel like I'm not crazy or that I didn't try hard enough...When I left, I told him that all I've ever wanted was a simple, peaceful, drama-free home life with someone that I hoped to grow old with - and that's just not possible with an alcoholic who won't help themselves.
Thank you ALL, for your encouraging words...I cannot tell you how much this means to me. Much love to all!
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