knownknown

I am new to this site. I joined because I want a better understanding of how to navigate my relationship after my boyfriend finished his 30 days of rehab. During his time there, I started going to AL-ANON meetings and therapy. I went to visit him every Sunday and we talked openly about what we needed to do separately in order to have a successful relationship. He is an alcoholic and co-dependent and I am co-dependent. We love each other and we want to be together.

He was released this past Sunday. We continued talking openly and honestly about the things we each needed to change about ourselves. The things he learned about himself in rehab and the things I learned about myself while he was there. He has been very clear with me that his whole life has to change - his way of thinking and behaving. And I am aware of the things I need to change about myself.

The next couple of days were great. We went to dinner, played Scrabble, went to a movie... We did the things we did before he entered rehab. He's a binge drinker and when he wasn't binging we had a lot of fun doing the things I listed above and more.

There was a black cloud hovering over me and on Thursday I wanted to talk about it. I thought we would have a loving, open and caring conversation. However, his responses were defensive and cold. And unfortunately, as I am still working on trying not to get triggered, I reacted defensively. It did not end well. He started throwing things, yelling that he doesn't need this and that he wanted me to leave. I was in shock by the outburst and didn't know what to do. This had never happened before. I wish I could write that I respected his need to be alone and left, but I did not. I stayed and asked that we finish our conversation. He was calm when started talking again. He was embarrassed by his reaction and apologized for the things I initially brought up. He said that he thought the deck was stacked against us. He's not being pessimistic. He's being realistic. He said it was going to take a lot of work for both us to make this relationship work. i agree with him it is going to take a lot of work. He was still angry in the morning so we decided that we needed a few days to cool off.

On one hand, I feel like we just need to rip off the band-aid and end things. But on the other hand, I feel like I want to try to make things work. There is genuine love and respect between us.

I guess i don't have a question. I'm just here to say I'm scared.

zerothehero

It's okay to be scared.

Throwing things sounds kind of scary. Stay safe.

Early sobriety is very emotional and can be a wild ride.

You say you are both codependent, so it seems worth asking if you love him or think you need him. Just a thought.

Thepatman

Welcome to SR!

If you have love between you then I say that's a great foundation. Recovery requires a lot of changes, daily work and commitment.

At the end, if your life companion works hard at recovery I think only good things can come out for both of you. When you mentioned changing things about yourselves, I often prefer calling it improving. Fundamentally there are things about each of us that we will never be able to completely change, only improve. Ex: someone introverted can only improve and be more outgoing.

Good luck to you both and glad you found us.

Anna

I hope you continue to find support at AlAnon and in therapy.

knownknown

Thank you all for your responses. It means a lot to me.

I will think on love vs need.

And I look forward to improving myself. Thanks for the perspective.

MythOfSisyphus

Welcome, knownknown. The first months of sobriety are very difficult to adjust to. Your boyfriend is going through a lot of changes in brain chemistry. It's very disorienting and disconcerting, probably for both of you. Bursts of irrational anger are very common.

I guess I just want to say that he has to do what's best for him and you must do the same. Maybe your paths will continue together, maybe not. You will have to just try and accept him while being sure to look after your own needs, too.

MelindaFlowers

Hey Known,

My first thought is that you can't be expected to be walking on eggshells all the time or totally transform who you are immediately. You sound like a very kind and understanding girlfriend. I can understand how he would get out and want you to change immediately to fit his needs but this is also a two way street. He's going through a rough time and I hope he can settle into a new "norm" with life. I hope this all works out for you two.

Soberwolf

Hello

FreeOwl

Welcome!


Have you ever read the book 'co-dependent no more'?

It may be helpful for you.

EndGameNYC

Hi kk.

It seems to be part of human nature to engage in activities that are "normal" for us following a crisis or trauma which, in your case, seems to be separation and loss. I think that doing so often demonstrates a desire to "get back to the way things were." Yet the things that were previously "normal" for us, and that seemed to offer us safety and comfort following a trauma stand in stark contrast to the reality of sudden and dramatic change in our lives. It's often a very hard lesson in life for us to learn that, for better and for worse, there is truly no such thing as "getting back to the way things were," no matter how trivial the experience, and our insistence to pursue this course usually ends in tears.

The balding and obese high school quarterback who's stuck in his glory days at age seventeen, the height of his achievement in life. The aging "Dead Head" who's finest moments in life were spent in now-vacant venues. The Prom Queen eternally stuck in a loveless marriage. And the drunk who's participation in life ended decades ago. Everything good in life exists only in the past, and the future is bleak, while the present is often unbearable.

Each moment in time is an opportunity for growth and change by virtue of the fact that the previous moment has faded into history...gone and lost forever. As much as we’d like things to stay suspended in time, they never do.

It takes many things to move on following a major disruption in life, willingness and courage perhaps among the most important. Resistance is pain and a metaphor for standing still in life, and only leaves us in places that are no longer safe and comforting, their familiarity only throwing in sharp relief what we've actually lost. There have been times in my life -- existential moments -- when the choices are reduced to living in my past, dreading my future or taking action in the present, venturing out into what is "next." To the extent that it's entirely up to me how I engage what is next, this can be both exquisitely liberating, and cause me to be filled with dread in the extreme.

The human condition is about making choices and acting on them. I don't make the rules; I only try to make the most of them.