It all seems so messed up
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Exton pa
Posts: 153
It all seems so messed up
My AD and I haven't talked for 3 months now - I was doing better and was looking forward to taking some time to be with my other daughter who is not an addict. We have this great 5 week trip planned through some of Europe's capitals. Two nights ago the sober 20 year old told me she felt she needed to pick out my outfits for the trip in a very condescending way. A discussion ensued where basically she told me she had little respect for me, felt I was class-less, thought I needed to sell our home since it was built for a family that doesn't exist, wished her sister my AD was dead and that she had a terrible childhood and I was basically a lousy mom and a mean spirited person who ruined her childhood. I was blown away and just wanted to crawl into a shell and wither away. My husband and I have worked so hard to give these 2 girls a better life than we ever had and I have one who is a heroin addict and another one who basically dislike me and disrespects me and everything I am. I thought she and I had a good relationship.....but just like I missed the signs of such significant drug use with the 28 year old, now I am faced with missing the signs of true unadulterated hatred of my 20 year old. I wish I could just run away.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 67
Please don't take the words of your DD seriously. I was horrible with a capital H to my mother when I was that age. I sent her into severe depression and was too damn selfish to even see it. Now, at 34, I am so regretful and sorrowful for the pain I caused her. She is my best friend and I love everything that she is and that she has done for me. Girls are mean, esp the teen/post-teen. I didn't start to realize how awful I was until my late 20's. I think selfishness is par for the course these days. Stay strong. This, too, shall pass. God Bless You😘
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
It's not often I'm left speechless, Amy. I don't have kids, so I can't imagine what it was like for you to have to absorb your daughter's little tirade.
There are multiple ways that you can interpret this. And the one that's...most charitable...towards your daughter is perhaps she, too, has wounds from what your AD has done to herself. The difference between a 20 year old girl and a mature, adult woman is the latter is able to express her pain a lot more artfully than the former.
That said, I think Lonelynn may be on to something with her observations, too.
As to how to handle it...like I said, I don't have kids...but if your daughter is bleeding, you may want to find out how badly she is bleeding. I'm not saying you should put up with her being disrespectful. What I am saying is from what you've described, she's been impacted by your AD, too.
Use your best judgment and treat this with the sensitivity it deserves. Keep us posted.
There are multiple ways that you can interpret this. And the one that's...most charitable...towards your daughter is perhaps she, too, has wounds from what your AD has done to herself. The difference between a 20 year old girl and a mature, adult woman is the latter is able to express her pain a lot more artfully than the former.
That said, I think Lonelynn may be on to something with her observations, too.
As to how to handle it...like I said, I don't have kids...but if your daughter is bleeding, you may want to find out how badly she is bleeding. I'm not saying you should put up with her being disrespectful. What I am saying is from what you've described, she's been impacted by your AD, too.
Use your best judgment and treat this with the sensitivity it deserves. Keep us posted.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
Amysad, I am so sorry for the pain she caused you. I have been told hurtful things by my daughter as well...I hope she finds a way to apologize soon.
Just a thought, perhaps to say, and maybe do: I'd seriously consider taking the trip with someone who loves spending time with you right now. Having a mean & critical companion along sounds awful, especially when you lovingly planned it with her in mind.
I agree she is very likely damaged and angry about all she has had to endure because of her sister, and know that the closest people are the ones who are easy targets, but still, it HURTS and my heart goes out to you.
Just a thought, perhaps to say, and maybe do: I'd seriously consider taking the trip with someone who loves spending time with you right now. Having a mean & critical companion along sounds awful, especially when you lovingly planned it with her in mind.
I agree she is very likely damaged and angry about all she has had to endure because of her sister, and know that the closest people are the ones who are easy targets, but still, it HURTS and my heart goes out to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Exton pa
Posts: 153
It just seems as if I am learning through all of You here at SR that I can't control my AD disease but now the other daughter wants to make me responsible for her pain. I just feel like I can never get a break - I mean really. It just seems like it never gets better easier or peaceful.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I wrote a response yesterday but I decided to not post it.
I agree that she is hurt and lashing out, but if it were my trip coming up that (assumedly) I paid for, there is no way I would take her along unless she apologized for her hurtful behavior. There has to be human decency in relationships.
I would also choose my own clothes. For Pete's sake, how does she know what's comfortable for you? I would remind her that we are two separate people with different tastes in clothing.
I agree that she is hurt and lashing out, but if it were my trip coming up that (assumedly) I paid for, there is no way I would take her along unless she apologized for her hurtful behavior. There has to be human decency in relationships.
I would also choose my own clothes. For Pete's sake, how does she know what's comfortable for you? I would remind her that we are two separate people with different tastes in clothing.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Love her, just keep loving her.
If you feel the need to contradict her when she goes off bite your tongue.
Encourage her to get some help for herself.
Make sure you are getting your own and actively showing that you are willing to get help.
And what may be hard is while you shouldn't take on any guilt or blame you will have to look at what part you play in all of this.
How long has your older one used?
My daughter was 12/13 when her brother’s addiction became obvious. She was very mad at me, for loving him, for not being angry at him, for fixing or stopping him. She was mad at him for using yet had no real reason to be.
It took some time, some patience, and lots of love, especially in loving her at her worst no different than I loved her brother … I asked tons of baited questions that made her have to look at her own reaction and behavior in response to what wasn’t hers and that made her look at how she thought.
She had to learn and I think it was a valuable lessons that there was no control, this wasn’t personal, that no one could fix him or make him be anything other than what he wanted to be in the moment. And no one could make her think or feel any differently until she understood herself and why she felt as she did. I didn’t make her feelings invalid, or tell her how to feel or tell her she was wrong.
You have to remember adults don’t have any coping skills in this without an education, how would a child.
If you feel the need to contradict her when she goes off bite your tongue.
Encourage her to get some help for herself.
Make sure you are getting your own and actively showing that you are willing to get help.
And what may be hard is while you shouldn't take on any guilt or blame you will have to look at what part you play in all of this.
How long has your older one used?
My daughter was 12/13 when her brother’s addiction became obvious. She was very mad at me, for loving him, for not being angry at him, for fixing or stopping him. She was mad at him for using yet had no real reason to be.
It took some time, some patience, and lots of love, especially in loving her at her worst no different than I loved her brother … I asked tons of baited questions that made her have to look at her own reaction and behavior in response to what wasn’t hers and that made her look at how she thought.
She had to learn and I think it was a valuable lessons that there was no control, this wasn’t personal, that no one could fix him or make him be anything other than what he wanted to be in the moment. And no one could make her think or feel any differently until she understood herself and why she felt as she did. I didn’t make her feelings invalid, or tell her how to feel or tell her she was wrong.
You have to remember adults don’t have any coping skills in this without an education, how would a child.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Exton pa
Posts: 153
Inciting silence - SO powerful but I think your right....MY AD has been using for 10 years and I know, I truly know I have done it all wrong - paid and paid for colleges and apartments and rehabs always in my pure unadulterated hope-ium addiction that she was clean...and changed this time......that time......or sometime soon. Never has happened and now I'm on third month of total cut ties. Other daughter doesn't seem relieved or happier that drama has been cut out of our core but rather now angry at me. She knows I am working my recovery from codependency and hope-ium but I am going to encourage her to seek out help for herself. Thank you for your frankness
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I would say she does see it coming to some sort of a conclusion and that has made her hurt and angry. She is lashing out at who she knows is a safe constant in her life, that is you.
I am so sorry. That had to hurt like crazy. Stay the course, know it's not you but the situation she is hating on.
Hugs, hugs, and more hugs!
I am so sorry. That had to hurt like crazy. Stay the course, know it's not you but the situation she is hating on.
Hugs, hugs, and more hugs!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Your post reminds me of something I learned here: "we teach people how to treat us."
Regardless of whatever pain she might be in, she thinks it's ok to be nasty to her parents. I sincerely hope you do not take her on the trip, and use the money on a therapist for her instead.
Regardless of whatever pain she might be in, she thinks it's ok to be nasty to her parents. I sincerely hope you do not take her on the trip, and use the money on a therapist for her instead.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: East Coast
Posts: 83
Originally Posted by Chino 
Your post reminds me of something I learned here: "we teach people how to treat us."
Regardless of whatever pain she might be in, she thinks it's ok to be nasty to her parents. I sincerely hope you do not take her on the trip, and use the money on a therapist for her instead.
Regardless of whatever pain she might be in, she thinks it's ok to be nasty to her parents. I sincerely hope you do not take her on the trip, and use the money on a therapist for her instead.
qwer
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
