So angry, want him to hurt like I do
So angry, want him to hurt like I do
I am so very angry at XAB. After finding out a few days ago about him relapsing & cheating, I ended it for good. Even more awful information has come out, only confirming I made the right decision. I am disgusted by him & the things he has done. I am completely crushed. I put so much effort into a doomed, false relationship. I'm here, left to pick up the pieces, while he's out, drinking, hanging with other women & having fun. It's only been 4 days and he is having a blast. I know this is wrong, but I want him to hurt like I hurt. I know enough that I could hurt him badly, but I would NEVER do that. I'm angry at myself for staying with him for so long & putting up with his behavior. I kept hoping things would get better, but they only got worse. I realize now how much he damaged my self-esteem. I will get through this. I will never take him back. I just with he could feel some of the pain I feel. But he isn't capable. And that's unfair.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
It's only been 4 days, time is on your side, it is never upon the active addict's side.
It's been 12 years since me and my qualifier broke things off, 2 years of no contact..the last 10 I have detachedly observed just how things have worked out for him. He hasn't learned anything important and he isn't the young pretty boy anymore. I did have a good private laugh when I learned he had developed a disease that made sex too painful. That was karma, baby! lol
He keeps running around the same old hamster wheel and some of the wheels have fallen off.
Me, I am with a good, loving, supportive man who has no substance issues. Things have changed a lot over these years for me.
As we often say, more will be revealed.
It's been 12 years since me and my qualifier broke things off, 2 years of no contact..the last 10 I have detachedly observed just how things have worked out for him. He hasn't learned anything important and he isn't the young pretty boy anymore. I did have a good private laugh when I learned he had developed a disease that made sex too painful. That was karma, baby! lol
He keeps running around the same old hamster wheel and some of the wheels have fallen off.
Me, I am with a good, loving, supportive man who has no substance issues. Things have changed a lot over these years for me.
As we often say, more will be revealed.
Nothing about alcoholism and all it's destruction is fair, that is for sure. Keep being true to the person *you* are and remind yourself that your way to the other side of the pain and hurt is 100% independent from him and his experiences. His pain will not lesson yours. That is good news because his experiences can't hold you back either. You are in control of your own perceptions and recovery. Also - I don't think for one minute alcoholics are free of pain and hurt - no matter what it looks like on the outside. I would not trade places with an alcoholic for all the money in the world. No thank you.
DoJang....I think you are having a pretty natural human reaction to feeling hurt and betrayed.
In the bigger picture....he is "messed up"....his partying ways will not bring him any true inner satisfaction. You are going to get your wish.....LOL.....because he will suffer a lot in his disease.....
Of course, his suffering will not bring you any kind of real happiness in your life. You may feel some fleeting revenge "gotch ya"....but, that will never sustain you.....
The only true revenge is to live well, yourself...and find your own happiness. When you do that...you won't care a twit about him......
LOL.... I used to wish that any man who even remotely did me wrong ---- that he would go bald (overnight); develop a huge beer belly; a sagging scrotum and a willy as limp as seaweed. Soooo....I understand exactly how you feel, right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
dandylion (bad dandylion)
In the bigger picture....he is "messed up"....his partying ways will not bring him any true inner satisfaction. You are going to get your wish.....LOL.....because he will suffer a lot in his disease.....
Of course, his suffering will not bring you any kind of real happiness in your life. You may feel some fleeting revenge "gotch ya"....but, that will never sustain you.....
The only true revenge is to live well, yourself...and find your own happiness. When you do that...you won't care a twit about him......
LOL.... I used to wish that any man who even remotely did me wrong ---- that he would go bald (overnight); develop a huge beer belly; a sagging scrotum and a willy as limp as seaweed. Soooo....I understand exactly how you feel, right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
dandylion (bad dandylion)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
^^^^ROFLMAO!!!!
Look, this is fresh and I understand how you feel. I knew my post was politically incorrect but when I say more will be revealed, this will be true for you too...not just him.
I loved mine because he was a remarkable man and over these years I have wished very much that he would get sober..but I am sure glad I didn't wait for it any longer!!
It's just never gonna happen for him.
Look, this is fresh and I understand how you feel. I knew my post was politically incorrect but when I say more will be revealed, this will be true for you too...not just him.
I loved mine because he was a remarkable man and over these years I have wished very much that he would get sober..but I am sure glad I didn't wait for it any longer!!
It's just never gonna happen for him.
I am completely crushed. I put so much effort into a doomed, false relationship.
Thank you everyone for your responses. I have read "Codependent No More" and am reading it again. I know my feelings aren't rational right now. I am in therapy and working on that. I'm just so disappointed, mostly in myself for allowing him to treat badly. I held on to the hope that he would get sober and things would get better, but it's time to let go. I just hurt right now. I know if he was hurting it wouldn't take away any of my pain. But I have been dealing with my issues through therapy & will be stronger in the end. I truly believe he was brought into my life because I needed to address my issues of my own that I had been putting off. In the end it will be a good thing for me, but the process is very painful. Thank you for your continued support. It means a lot to me.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Olney, MD
Posts: 268
Yep, I have moments of feeling the exact same thing. I have actually rehashed a lot of terrible things that RAH has done/said while drunk and just railed on him (I have only done it once since he's been in treatment, I did it a lot while he was still active). I would say such things as "what kind of a person with a soul would do x", or that I would have dreams about the guy I was dating before I met RAH and I had to choose between them and I always picked the other guy (that was true, it was a recurring dream I had a lot). I would demand to know why he did x and no matter the answer I was not satisfied.
I realized I was just twisting the knife to see if it would make him hurt as bad as I was hurting. I wanted that. There would never be a satisfactory answer and justified me to hang onto a lot of resentment. I am still working on that. I am the world's best grudge holder. I have grudges from 20 years ago (middle school bullies) that I can't let go of. And the only person that the grudges are hurting is me.
I realized I was just twisting the knife to see if it would make him hurt as bad as I was hurting. I wanted that. There would never be a satisfactory answer and justified me to hang onto a lot of resentment. I am still working on that. I am the world's best grudge holder. I have grudges from 20 years ago (middle school bullies) that I can't let go of. And the only person that the grudges are hurting is me.
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