Pia

Yesterday I was in utter despair so I thought. I cried over all the wasted time, memories, what ifs and why me. I cried myself to sleep. It was a horrible horrible day. Next month it will be a year I found out the truth about my relationship.

Now lets talk about today I worked in my garden, took my vehicle to get an oil change and cleaned my house and put everything in it's proper place.
It's about to rain here, I watched the clouds come in and feel the air cooler.

I just opened up a cold one that has been sitting in my refrigerator for AWHILE and i'm about to go outside and enjoy the breeze. I chuckled thinking wow this drink could go months without touching it, how times have changed.

I think to myself how time has gone by and how much I have changed me.

I realized I spent so much time thinking and analyzing all the things I want to say of my STBXAH that went no where. It didn't matter. I think back to all the worries I had that never came true but that I had a plan in case they did. I know it is good to always think ahead but I really wasted so much energy on all the what ifs.

Example: What if he gets help, what I will do, act, say be. - It never happened.

I am just rambling. I am in awe right now because I am very happy in my quiet house and feel glad I made the decisions I made.

suki44883

(((HUGS))) Congratulations! It's a long road, isn't it? But, when you reach that place, you know you're going to be just fine. You have made your home your sanctuary and that is as it should be. I'm very happy for you.

Pia

Your right Suki. The negative energy that was in my house is gone. I never noticed it until now when someone mentioned it to me.

I don't knwo what the future hold but it's one day at a time.

honeypig

Radiant, thanks for sharing how good you feel and how far you've come. What a great feeling to get some things done that needed doing, to put things away and wrap up, and then to relax in a peaceful atmosphere and enjoy the special beauty of rain coming on. Reading your post, I can almost feel the coolness and dampness in the breeze...

Thanks also for the reminder that I can only change me, and all the planning, thinking and analyzing about my A will only be a distraction and a waste.

Wishing you continued peace.

Pia

Honeypig- I re read my post and thought how selfish I sound I am sorry it wasn't meant to be that way.

cazzap06- I'm so sorry you are so upset, The journey is indeed a long one but you will get to where you want to go as long as you stay on the path. I found this sign on pinterest I love it says "Your attitude determines your direction" I look at it several times a day.

My STXAH called me last night after 10pm I was shocked. I only know this because I was in my vehicle at the corner store and my Mr Number didn't block it in time.
Its amazing how emotions change so quickly.

BrokenInPieces

I'm stuck in this crappy cycle, too. I'm still questioning myself, trying to rationalize, blaming myself, blaming him, feeling sad, feeling angry, feeling hopeful, then hopeless... it's f*cking exhausting. I just want to be through it and over it already.

It was this time 3 years ago that we had started dating. I was in a really good place in my life when I met him... and I want to be in that good place again.

I spoke with a mutual friend last night (she was a friend before I met him), and remarked to her how I had hoped to get some closure. Without hesitating, she said "You're not going to get it. He's done." When I commented - as I often have - what a great guy he is (sober), she said "It's funny how you can see that NOW." I felt defensive, I've always seen how truly good a person he is despite the drinking... it's the very reason it was/is so hard for me to come to terms with the breakup. We were very compatible, got along beautifully, respected each other and genuinely loved each other. But he drank almost a pint of hard alcohol every single night, and while he was never abusive, never missed work, and I never had to clean up after him, it was slowly killing both of us - physically, mentally and emotionally - as resentments grew between us. Some silent, some not so silent... but always rooted in the same thing - his drinking.

She continued to point out the "insanity" and "on again/off again" of the relationship and "how much more was he going to take?"... and I again felt the weight of the blame, how I'd hurt him, and my fault in not accepting him for who he is. But as the conversation went on, she said "before you, his friends tried to talk to him about his drinking and he reacted the same way - they didn't hear from him again for about 6 months"... and how his friends now know not to say anything. She said "does it make you feel better to know it's NOT you? Nobody is going to change him. He doesn't want to change."

It does make me feel better that it's not me (I learned that here), but at the same time, it doesn't make me feel better because we both lose out on love and a future because of that stupid bottle. And I'm still stuck in that cycle of questioning myself and the problem that I made it out to be... or that it is... or that I made it out to be... lather, rinse, repeat. I know part of that is because - in his eyes - it's my problem, not his. I'm still internalizing that - and if there was something else I could have done.

I know I'm a worrier, a "what if-er" and I have earned enough bonus miles for future-tripping to last a lifetime, so I am trying harder to live in the moment, reminding myself that life is short. And sometimes, I think I should have just enjoyed whatever time he and I had together without worrying about the future... but then, isn't it the future that a couple dreams and plans together? Shouldn't that be part of the fun - and not part of the worry?

NYCDoglvr

What a wonderful post! Just like alcoholism is progressive so is recovery. It's a process (albeit a slow one) that finally leads us out of the hopeless despair. It's one day at a time. Thank you!

iamthird

I have not posted in awhile myself but this is just what I needed to read. Thank you for your post!!

ladyscribbler

Radiant, that was a beautiful OP, not a bit selfish. I absolutely loved it. So happy for you.

Cazzap, you got upset with me once before for saying something like this, but since you asked for it this time, here goes. You are very enmeshed with your daughter and her issues. She is an adult. You are allowed to set boundaries about what type of behavior you will accept. If someone is verbally abusing you, there is no reason to continue that conversation. It may take a few times of you ending a phone call or not responding to texts, but eventually she will get it and understand that you are no longer tolerating that behavior.

ladyscribbler

I know it's a terrible situation you're in. One of my Alanon friends went through something similar with her 3 grandchildren and a daughter who is a meth addict (now recovering, thankfully).
When her daughter was active in her addiction, my friend experienced a lot of similar abuse, right down to the threats to bad mouth her to social services, etc.
My friend found that when she detached and refused to engage while the daughter was using, it forced the daughter to face the consequences of her addiction, which led to her seeking recovery. She has now been clean for ten months and is in the process of regaining custody of her children.
So sorry you and your grandson are going through this. Hoping your daughter starts making better choices. Try not to worry too much about her threats. Alcoholics lash out at anyone and everyone to try and protect their disease.

SeriousKarma

Radiant, I just read your post again. It's even better the second time.

Today my STBXAH and my daughter had tentative arrangements to get together. She texted him this afternoon, but he never returned the text. Who knows why. It's really not that big of a deal. Their plans weren't that solid anyway. I'm sure he'll contact her in a day or two. Maybe he was at movie or a concert and never got the text. Maybe he's on a bender and is passed out in a gutter. It's not my problem any more. There was a time when I would have been apoplectic at the thought of him drinking. When I let him go I let that go as well.

This "recovery" thing is awesome, isn't it?

boomtruck

I think to myself how time has gone by and how much I have changed me.

Thank you for this post. My first thought was how much I have become me. I did the alcoholic dance for so many years, I am only now learning to do my own dance. Many obstacles overcome, yet so many more to come.

Thank God for Al-anon, SR, GOOD friends and family.

Pia

I'm so sorry the thing that comes to my mind since you already know about detachment is " Stop looking at the big picture of all the problems. Tackle one by one."

Pia

Can you tell me what DGS stands for?

Pia

It is great!!!
I use to think time heals all wounds but its not true. Working on yourself heals the wounds. I know I can look online and see where he is at anytime but I think WHY he is doing the same stuff he has been doing for years before I even found out.

What am I going today sounds better to me

I love what you said "It's not my problem any more" we need to write it on our conscious and subconscious minds at all time.

Pia

Boomtruck I can picture you doing the shuffle right now lol

There are so many obstacles but we can do this together.

ashamed2day

Hot chocholate fixes every thing