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Hi! Need help with emotional bondage

Old 09-12-2014, 11:25 AM
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Question Hi! Need help with emotional bondage

First I'd like to say how grateful I am to find this site, my head is swimming with everything i'm learning. I now know what my fiancé and I have is TOXIC love and all the fun stuff that goes along with him being a life long addict (of everything he could ever get his hands on) and an alcoholic.

My first question in MY recovery is how do you get away from someone that you really do love but that controls you by hurting themselves. I've said I was leaving before and saw him bash his head on the mantle. Still has the two inch scar on his eye. Just one example of the extreme harm he will do to himself if he feels me pulling away or leaving.

I know this is emotional blackmail. I just don't want him to hurt himself anymore but I have to save myself. what do you do with the guilt?

My mom did this to me for years, threatened suicide everytime I'd leave for work or whatever. I ended up eloping with someone from work and never looked back. She never killed herself but he really does harm to himself. :/
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Old 09-12-2014, 12:09 PM
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Start by calling off the engagement and suggest he get some help for his addiction(s). Consider checking into a shelter for abused women. They will help keep you safe and can help you get started in a treatment program. Guilt is only what he imposes on you. There is no reason to feel guilt. He could choose to change his ways and maybe some day prove he is worthy of your love but more than likely that's not going to happen. There is nothing you can do or say to control his behavior or make him change. Only he can do that. You escaped the abuse of your mother and you can escape this too. I honestly wouldn't be too concerned about what he does to himself, I would be more concerned about him doing harm to you.
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Old 09-12-2014, 12:23 PM
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Hi. Just don’t drink and I’d say practice running……AWAY from the situation. ATTENDING Alanon meetings and posting and reading Friends and Families forum on this site.

BE WELL
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Old 09-12-2014, 12:26 PM
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He's blackmailing you by hurting himself. Get away from him if you possibly can. Doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me.

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Old 09-12-2014, 12:39 PM
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Stay sober and get a plan.

Sounds like your fiance has a plan, whenever you try to leave he hurts himself and knows you will stay. Seems to be working for him. He probably learned about how your Mom used to control you in a similar fashion, and just adapted for his own use.

You know, him hurting himself is not your fault. He plays it like that, but it is NOT YOUR FAULT when he does that. It is his fault for going to such extremes to be a controlling person.

You gotta call off the engagement....If he wants to start hurting himself, just leave, be strong. Show him his plan is not going to work.Can you even conceive of what a nightmare it would be being married to a guy like this.

Last edited by NorMar; 09-12-2014 at 12:41 PM. Reason: spelling
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Old 09-12-2014, 01:24 PM
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Please call the Domestic Violence Hotline and know that you can find a way out of this.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support
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Old 09-12-2014, 01:28 PM
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Thank you for all your thoughtful replies. I've come to realize that I can't do this alone. I've tried over and over and now I'm putting my hand up for help because I realized that I'm just as sick as he is if I'm staying in this relationship.
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Old 09-12-2014, 01:31 PM
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There is help out there. You can move forward and take care of yourself. You cannot fix the problems that your fiancé is dealing with. He will have to do that himself, if he chooses. But, please believe that you are worth a life without emotional abuse.
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Old 09-12-2014, 02:11 PM
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hope it all works out !
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Old 09-12-2014, 02:22 PM
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Yes, I totally agree with everyone here. Him acting like a selfish man-child to control YOUR life is completly dishonorable and his current path is one of little successes scattered amoung a consistent and succesive destruction. This is YOUR 80-100 years... he is responsible for his 80-100 years. If he iggnorantly destroys his life because he cant face reality and grow up then why would you choose to accept that same future when you know better.

Someone once said that being unaware of bad decisions is beinging iggorant. Being aware and continuing that behacor is being a fool. It sounds like he is still in the iggnorant stage. You however have the power to avoid being a fool. I am so sorry if this is too harse but I feel compelled to express it.

Much love and beat of luck!
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Old 09-12-2014, 02:33 PM
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It's interesting how we hook up with and even marry someone just like our dysfunctional parents and wind up in the same situation. Like we will somehow solve or correct the problem. It never works. We never win. He's doing the same thing your mother did and you left and never looked back. Can you do that again?
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Old 09-12-2014, 03:09 PM
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Sorry you are going through this, Yummby. Love can be complicated. But you can only control one person, and that's YOU. It may take time for your fiancé on his own to realize that he needs help. You have to take care of you.

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Old 09-12-2014, 04:38 PM
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Originally Posted by yumbby View Post
I know this is emotional blackmail. I just don't want him to hurt himself anymore but I have to save myself. what do you do with the guilt?
It's also emotional abuse and physical abuse by proxy.

This guy's holding you hostage via self harm, and you're identifying with his damaged parts which, in turn, leaves you feeling guilty and responsible for his well-being. When he gets tired of hurting himself, guess who gets hurt next? Unless he's already done that dance.

As others have suggested, it's time to get some help. Therapy, a women's group...something.
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