Need some advice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 27
Need some advice
Sorry, haven't posted in a while, although have been 'lurking' when time allows.
I need some thoughts on how to go forward with the relationship between my XAH, his family and my grown up DD.
I have a trespass order out against my XAH, meaning he can't come to my house or contact me. This has left only my daughter and XAH family available to deal with his 'issues'. My daughter has said that she doesn't want contact when he is drinking and will not be available to go to hospital/police station when called (a decision I fully support).
My XAH's family are however calling her and her new husband saying they are disgusted and disappointed that she is not willing to do more for her dad.
I called them to let them know I wasn't happy about what had been said to hr and her husband. The reaction I got was - if she wasn't willing to help she had no right to know where he was or if he was ok.
This left her not knowing for the past week whether he was alive or dead (he binge drinks to extreme excess)......is it unreasonable of me to expect them to just let her know how things are with her dad.
I need some thoughts on how to go forward with the relationship between my XAH, his family and my grown up DD.
I have a trespass order out against my XAH, meaning he can't come to my house or contact me. This has left only my daughter and XAH family available to deal with his 'issues'. My daughter has said that she doesn't want contact when he is drinking and will not be available to go to hospital/police station when called (a decision I fully support).
My XAH's family are however calling her and her new husband saying they are disgusted and disappointed that she is not willing to do more for her dad.
I called them to let them know I wasn't happy about what had been said to hr and her husband. The reaction I got was - if she wasn't willing to help she had no right to know where he was or if he was ok.
This left her not knowing for the past week whether he was alive or dead (he binge drinks to extreme excess)......is it unreasonable of me to expect them to just let her know how things are with her dad.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Your daughter - her dad.
Your daughter - her extended family
Your daughter - you
Those lines are the only flows of influence.
You and your daughter - you can support her (does she have al-anon or other recovery/support resources) but that is about it IMO. You can't orchestrate other people's decisions/lives/relationships.
I'm also terribly sorry that your daughter is in this position. It is a hard one.
Your daughter - her extended family
Your daughter - you
Those lines are the only flows of influence.
You and your daughter - you can support her (does she have al-anon or other recovery/support resources) but that is about it IMO. You can't orchestrate other people's decisions/lives/relationships.
I'm also terribly sorry that your daughter is in this position. It is a hard one.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I agree with Thumper. Don't get in the middle of this. She's an adult and she can set her own boundaries. It's a crap situation she's in, but it's not going to improve by you helping... ((hugs))
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
Is it "unreasonable"? No, of course not.
But, from their perspective it also isn't "unreasonable" for a them to want a daughter to do more for her dad.
See how easily this gets stuck in the mud?
Your love of your daughter, and desire to help her are both admirable and understandable, but you calling on her behalf may not be helping resolve the situation.
In the end what she needs are clear boundaries with both her father and his family, and for her to obtain those it's vital that she be the one to articulate it to them. Otherwise the message gets lost in the weeds, and becomes just another excuse for family drama, and power plays.
Granted, this sort of thing takes a lot of hard work and personal development (Alanon). It takes sometimes years to learn how to communicate our wants and needs effectively. Boundaries, detachment, these concepts alone can be difficult to understand (Alanon). In the end, his family may hold firm and not cooperate, but as long as she effectively communicates her boundaries to them, and her desire to know if anything happens to him, that's all she can do. At that point the ball is in their court and she needs to let it go. A good support system can help with that as well (did I mention Alanon?).
Good luck to all of you. You, your daughter, her husband, your x, his family. Alcoholism causes so much pain in so many different ways, to so many people.
But, from their perspective it also isn't "unreasonable" for a them to want a daughter to do more for her dad.
See how easily this gets stuck in the mud?
Your love of your daughter, and desire to help her are both admirable and understandable, but you calling on her behalf may not be helping resolve the situation.
In the end what she needs are clear boundaries with both her father and his family, and for her to obtain those it's vital that she be the one to articulate it to them. Otherwise the message gets lost in the weeds, and becomes just another excuse for family drama, and power plays.
Granted, this sort of thing takes a lot of hard work and personal development (Alanon). It takes sometimes years to learn how to communicate our wants and needs effectively. Boundaries, detachment, these concepts alone can be difficult to understand (Alanon). In the end, his family may hold firm and not cooperate, but as long as she effectively communicates her boundaries to them, and her desire to know if anything happens to him, that's all she can do. At that point the ball is in their court and she needs to let it go. A good support system can help with that as well (did I mention Alanon?).
Good luck to all of you. You, your daughter, her husband, your x, his family. Alcoholism causes so much pain in so many different ways, to so many people.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I agree too, although I want to recognize how hard it has to be.
They sound like very difficult people. So sorry for your DD and for you. It's very good she made this boundary and if given the chance to I would encourage her to keep it for her own sanity.
They sound like very difficult people. So sorry for your DD and for you. It's very good she made this boundary and if given the chance to I would encourage her to keep it for her own sanity.
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