his family
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 79
his family
My heroin addict 'boyfriend' is just not ready to get clean. He got out of detox a few days ago. I wasn't going to pick him up but I did bc he didn't have a plan I thought I could talk with him. I did not drive him to get drugs and I did not give him money. After hours of talking to him and him telling me he just wasn't going to go to treatment and just wanted to use I left him at a friend's house. Right when his unemployment clear in his bank account he went and got heroin. Again nothing I did. His family now hates me thinking I am the reason he is continuing to use. I do not enable him but I have come to terms with reality for now. I know u can not push anyone into recovery if they are not ready. Now his family has b told me to not have any contact with him and I need to stay out. I have never been so hurt before. I still was hopeful in a future with this man, but after the family has treated me so poorly I do not want anything to do with him nor do I want to get involved. I'm just so hurt.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
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There's a cool saying I heard in an Al Anon meeting a few years back. Apparently, it's from AA...something to the effect of, it's none of my business what you think of me.
In other words, I wouldn't waste your time worrying about what his family thinks of you. Just like there's nothing you can do about your "BF's" addiction, there's nothing you can do about what his family thinks about you. It's OK to allow someone to be wrong.
In time, should they so choose, they'll wise up as to what's happening right in front of them. And if they don't, it's not your problem.
In other words, I wouldn't waste your time worrying about what his family thinks of you. Just like there's nothing you can do about your "BF's" addiction, there's nothing you can do about what his family thinks about you. It's OK to allow someone to be wrong.
In time, should they so choose, they'll wise up as to what's happening right in front of them. And if they don't, it's not your problem.
your words definitely made me feel better.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
What other people think of me is none of my business.
Yes, that seems to apply here. My ex's family is still in denial about his alcoholism, and therefore constantly on the lookout for a scapegoat. Being the ex made me an easy target. I went no contact with them, though I had our son call them every Sunday.
They got over it. He turned on them when they stopped enabling him (they had the audacity to tell him they were going to stop giving him "grocery money" and just buy him food instead). He punched his mom and threatened to kill his dad. So now they've sort of realized he has a real problem and also that I am the gateway to their grandson.
He found a new enabler. So now his family blames his girlfriend/aunt (he's living with his uncle's widow) for all his issues. His mom still longs for the days when he was a functional alcoholic and she could control him, actually wishes they could return to that dynamic. Impossible, given the progressive nature of addiction, but my experience, and the point of this long ramble-families are slow on the uptake, if they ever get it at all. None of which is your problem because 1. he is now your ex (right?) 2. you have no permanent ties like children and 3. after this debacle no contact seems like a no brainer, right?
Speaking of Alanon/naranon, do you attend? I am an Alanon devotee myself, which has helped me to navigate the aftermath of my alcoholic relationship quite well.
Yes, that seems to apply here. My ex's family is still in denial about his alcoholism, and therefore constantly on the lookout for a scapegoat. Being the ex made me an easy target. I went no contact with them, though I had our son call them every Sunday.
They got over it. He turned on them when they stopped enabling him (they had the audacity to tell him they were going to stop giving him "grocery money" and just buy him food instead). He punched his mom and threatened to kill his dad. So now they've sort of realized he has a real problem and also that I am the gateway to their grandson.
He found a new enabler. So now his family blames his girlfriend/aunt (he's living with his uncle's widow) for all his issues. His mom still longs for the days when he was a functional alcoholic and she could control him, actually wishes they could return to that dynamic. Impossible, given the progressive nature of addiction, but my experience, and the point of this long ramble-families are slow on the uptake, if they ever get it at all. None of which is your problem because 1. he is now your ex (right?) 2. you have no permanent ties like children and 3. after this debacle no contact seems like a no brainer, right?
Speaking of Alanon/naranon, do you attend? I am an Alanon devotee myself, which has helped me to navigate the aftermath of my alcoholic relationship quite well.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
I know it hurts when people unfairly judge you guilty of something, but I would just add them to the bazillion of enablers who blame anyone other than their beloved innocent addict.
I would focus on what you want for your life. Its not your fault that the bf chooses to use, but to deliver him anywhere is not your responsibility. let him find his way by his self, and maybe someday he will be ready to face the music. his family should be more than happy to cart him around, and you will be out of the line of fire.
I would focus on what you want for your life. Its not your fault that the bf chooses to use, but to deliver him anywhere is not your responsibility. let him find his way by his self, and maybe someday he will be ready to face the music. his family should be more than happy to cart him around, and you will be out of the line of fire.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Manitoba, Canada
Posts: 168
In Narcotics Anonymous, our 3rd tradition states that the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop using. Basically, any addict who doesn't want to stop using, WON'T. It's sadly as simple as that.
My sister is in the grips of active addiction, and while she continually talks of detox, I don't believe she's actually ready to stop using on her own accord. It's brought up a lot of emotions for me, as she's my "baby" sister, but it is what it is.
I'm learning to 'detach with love', and I strongly encourage you to do the same. As a recovering addict, there is one thing I can guarantee you - as long as an addict is using, drugs will *always* come first. This sadly includes before you.
My sister is in the grips of active addiction, and while she continually talks of detox, I don't believe she's actually ready to stop using on her own accord. It's brought up a lot of emotions for me, as she's my "baby" sister, but it is what it is.
I'm learning to 'detach with love', and I strongly encourage you to do the same. As a recovering addict, there is one thing I can guarantee you - as long as an addict is using, drugs will *always* come first. This sadly includes before you.
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