need positive thoughts please

Old 09-11-2014, 01:51 PM
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need positive thoughts please

I hate to ask this but don't know where to turn. Last night was a bad night. I need positive thoughts please, and if someone would ask their HP to help me I would appreciate it. Today is the first day in 19 years i am not wearing my wedding rings in public. This is huge for me. AH and i will probably have to talk tonight. I need courage and acceptance, if this is it, if this is over, i want to be able to be graceful and not stoop to a level that is beneath me.

I never believed I would be facing this. I prayed so hard before i got married and had no second thoughts at all. Not even an inkling of one! . I was raised to not believe in divorce, my church doesn't even accept it. (please, no negative comments about that. It is what it is) i am so lost and scared. This is the hardest thing ive ever lived thru, I've had miscarriages, deaths in my family, this is the worst. I just need courage and grace tonight, and the knowledge that my HP will help me. Why my HP lied to me before my wedding i don't know... I'm sorry to ask here, I'm so alone.
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Old 09-11-2014, 02:31 PM
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I will pray for your continued strength in dealing with your AH. Please don't abandon your HP over this. I don't believe he has lied to you, please trust in the path you are going down now is your own right path. The good and the bad as you face something you never considered. One day at a time.
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Old 09-11-2014, 02:39 PM
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Don't know it is any help, but it is one thing I cannot figure out either -- why God would send me an addict for a wife?

She behaves horrid to me and treats me horrid.

And for the most part I am a pretty nice guy, at least as far as I can tell.

Then she makes up more horrid lies to justify her horrid behavior.

Went to sleep last pondering that. I do not deserve to be treated horrid, and she really does not deserve a nice guy, like me.

Dunno the wedding ring stuff makes much difference in it. I follow it does to you, as it is a symbol to you, but we were never really legally married, per se, but it all seems about the same.

About the only thing I am pretty clear on is the "Ye shall know a tree by its fruit," stuff. Yunno -- Jesus 101. You can tell what you are dealing with by what it does.

A dog Barks.
A cat goes Meow.
A cow goes Mooo.
and
Horrid People behave Horrid.
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Old 09-11-2014, 02:40 PM
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Thank you. It's hard to not feel abandoned at the moment.
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Old 09-11-2014, 02:42 PM
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Thanks Hammer. The hardest part for me is the first 9 years of our marriage were good. He started drinking year 10. We're on year 19, the past 3 have been very hard. Why 9 great years and 6 pretty ok ones ? I miss the man i married. Why didn't HP warn me??
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Old 09-11-2014, 02:53 PM
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Why didn't HP warn me??

maybe not everything is HP's job...maybe when your AH started drinking and things started going south THAT was your sign.
maybe HP has nothing to do with this at all - we are given free will.
maybe there is something spectacular cooking up about 3 years down the road you just can't see it now.

if you BELIEVE your HP LIED to you EVER, then babe you need a new one. that's some pretty selfish thinking....that all this is being done TO you, that your God would dupe you, cheat you, set you up. like the Big Guy has nothing better to do but to personally mess with YOU.

PEOPLE change. God does not. over the course of 19 years, your husband changed. and it wasn't an over night thing...you had plenty of time to observe.

and now here you are. about to make some big changes.
life won't always go as YOU want it to, but it will work out exactly as it should, in time.
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Old 09-11-2014, 02:57 PM
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Hey,

I'm not a preacher or a theologian -- I'm just a co-stumbler on the path of alcoholic marriage and I know the feeling of utter betrayal when you realize it doesn't matter how much you want it to work and how much you work to get it to work -- you can't fix it.

So here's how I kind of think about the whole God thing. And believe me, I've thought about it. I've had some pretty loud arguments with him. And I'm not saying this applies to anyone else, but I've sort of found peace with it this way:

I thought if I just did everything right, things would turn out right. I thought if I was a good godly wife, God would reward me by making my husband become sober. I also sort of envisioned there would be a lot of apologies and I would be magnanimous and smiling (like the Queen of England) and forgiving my husband for treating me badly.

I was very, very PROUD. I really felt above other people -- definitely my husband, and definitely Other Women Who Left Their Alcoholics. Because I was never going to do that. Because I not only had STRENGTH, I also had FAITH! And God would fix it all.

What I figured out is that God doesn't work like a gum ball machine, where you get rewarded according to what you put in. God's not so much concerned about rewarding me as he is about reworking me. Making me a better person. And man oh man, that HURTS.

I don't think I'm a better person on this side of an alcoholic marriage. I think I'm a more humble person. And I'm a happier person. I prayed and cried and argued with God for years, trying to get him to understand that he had to make my husband sober. Well -- God works with the person who's putting him or herself in God's hands and saying "HELP ME!!!" But he doesn't always work things the way we'd like.

I heard a preacher on the radio today compare us to back seat drivers -- we say "Jesus take the wheel" and then we go "YOU need to be in the OTHER LANE!" and "Hey, you can speed up, you're not going fast enough." That kind of hit home with me.

Your heart is broken. Smashed into pieces. Stomped on. And then smashed some more. Your pain is so, so raw. It's OK. It won't always feel this way. I promise. Be mad. At yourself, at your husband, at God. (He can handle it. He's big enough.) Cry. Be sad. But take care of yourself. You are God's precious child. He never meant for you to be ripped apart by another person's addiction. He didn't mean for your husband to become an alcoholic either.

Your husband made the choice to drink, and not get help. You're choosing to get help, and move through the pain, even though you're not sure where God is in all of this. You're being very brave, and you're being stronger than you know, and I know God will make up the difference. Or, as someone said to me -- those times when you wonder where God is? Remember, the teacher is always silent during the test.
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Old 09-11-2014, 03:03 PM
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Yeah, sort of the same . . . or so it seems. Looking back she was always a little nutty, but that was known going in.

But she had 4 good AA years in when we met, we accumulated some kids, she relapsed on Cooking Vanilla, then went on to a full-blown eating disorder, went off to rehab for that, she is back about a year and a half, and just been full-blown horrid to me, since.

Will not take self-responsibility for anything, lies about near anything / everything, even filed for separation and support but since that was all based on ******** nonsense and lies, it looks like it will all fall in on her, and she is still living her, with no apparent plans now -- until her next crazy episode, I suppose.

About like the Big Book cautions about a Self-Will ran riot as a Dry Drunk.

As far as the HP stuff. I do not have the clearest vision on that.

I know for my part I dropped off Alanon for a while and things went Deep South. I got back in, and as a Direct Result of that, she wound up shipped to Rehab. Strange Stuff in that regard.

But since she is back -- I can make no sense on My End. So I have done all my stuff. Alanon, Full Steps, Helping on Family Recovery Groups, Alateen Sponsor -- the Whole Enchilada.

Her End -- Mostly Lies, Most of the Time. So I guess that outcome makes sense for her Behavior.
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Old 09-11-2014, 03:10 PM
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Sometimes we never know the reasons WHY & sometimes in the middle of the pain we have a hard time seeing anything clearly at all. And sometimes the why's reveal themselves later, in ways we couldn't have anticipated.

We also had 13 or so really amazing, picture-perfect years before the last 7 on this roller coaster ride.

I was recently talking offline with another SR member about my mom & her own recovery & it hit me suddenly that if RAH hadn't gone down this road I would have NEVER gone into recovery for myself, despite having had an addict father. My finding recovery, understanding & drawing boundaries with my own FOO & enforcing them was one of the main reasons that my mother felt compelled to enter therapy. (severe sexual abuse & lifetime untreated codependency)

And her damage is intense & goes back 5+ decades. If I hadn't changed the dynamic the way that I did I'm not sure she EVER would've gotten the courage to finally embrace getting healthy herself. But I would have never guessed that when I felt like I was walking through hellfire during the process of making these changes.

((((((Hang in there))))))
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Old 09-11-2014, 03:29 PM
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I have always been told to pray to God. but row for the shore. God helps those who help themselves.

You are responsible for your own happiness in this world. You have free will and you have options.

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Old 09-11-2014, 03:30 PM
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I don't believe my Higher Power every
lies to me or doesn't care about me. I
got married while in my drinking career
and was blessed with a good man for
25 yrs.

However, when we hit our 7th and 8th
yr marriage I entered recovery and began
to go thru many healthy changes for myself.

I was blessed with 2 awesome kids that
r grown and living healthy, prosperous
lives. My marriage ended for various
reason but mainly due to the lack of
understanding and communication.

I prayed for guidance, care and protection
as I looked to end our marriage that I really
though would never happen.

I truly believe my HP puts people in my
life and on my recovery path for a reason.
My first husband was there for those 25
yrs for good reason and today I don't question
it.

That was another chapter written in my
life as I continue on with another with
a new marriage of 5 yrs now and 24 yrs.
sobriety.

All I do today is continue to place my will and
life in the Hands of the Man upstairs,
follow with a program of recovery I learned
as I incoperate it in my everyday life.

Im pretty sure there will be more chapters
written in my life and wait with eagerness
as to what it will be. However, all I have to
worry about today is staying sober, living
healthy, happy and honest.
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Old 09-11-2014, 04:20 PM
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Lillamy, Love your post. You may not be a preacher or a theologian, but you can be my spiritual co-stumbler any day.

Soverylost, You and I quite possibly come from the same faith tradition. Mine also doesn't recognize divorce. To be specific though, the issue only arrises when someone wants to remarry. The vast majority of people practicing my faith now realize that no person should be forced to stay in a marriage that has been damaged by the trauma of addiction. In fact, that addiction often results in the original marriage vow being broken. Thus grounds for annulment.

Regarding your relationship with your HP. It took me a while to realize that I was doing a lot of talking in my relationship with Him, and not nearly enough listening. I realize now, He was screaming at me to leave. I was just too busy loudly praying at Him to hear. While I was busy getting mad at Him for "abandoning me", I believe He was getting annoyed with me for ignoring the obvious.
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Old 09-11-2014, 04:46 PM
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First, I do not believe that God (my higher power) wants any pain for us. He gives us choices and its up to us to choose our direction. But, we are loved despite. I knew my husband was an alcoholic when I married him and God did not give me to marry him. But, HE did allow it. Because my God is not a forceful God. I knew that I would struggle but chose to ignore it. And now I'm leaving on God and his plan for me. Having faith that despite my choices he will confine to love me and help me heal. I pray that you have healing as well. And that you find purpose and support. This is a great forum. You will have courage to do what is right for you. Post for guidance. God is merciful and good. We are human and make choices that dictate our pasts and our futures. Remember you are a beautiful creation. Wonderfully made. You deserve to be happy, healthy, and loved. You also capable of making good and healthy choices. Just trust your instincts. Hugs! This is such a hard road to walk. I'm walking it too .
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Old 09-11-2014, 04:49 PM
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Btw, I've also lost a child. Family members. He up in a very hard situation. So I understand all those things.
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Old 09-11-2014, 06:53 PM
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Things are not going well. He got nice and drunk for our talk. Everything is my fault. I've ruined his life. He's bawling now. He says he's broken. Not broken enough to stop drinking cuz alcohol is simply the scapegoat. Now i really need to figure things out. Cmon HP help me
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Old 09-11-2014, 06:58 PM
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HP i need guidance and grace. I need You to sit beside Ah tonight and keep him safe. I am worried for him. I pray for strength, i have two children to guide. Please HP send your grace to me and to ah. He is broken and I cannot fix him. I love him so much but I cannot fix him. I don't know this man any longer.

I am broken too. HP send your grace and love and understanding and strength to both of us.

Amen.
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Old 09-11-2014, 07:45 PM
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I'm learning that there is NOTHING I can do to help my AH. I can't keep fretting over every move he makes our doesn't make. All I can do is focus on me and my own health.
You mention that you need help. Explore that. What help do you need? How are you broken? Be honest. What can you do about you?
I've felt so guilty for all my actions. I've felt like I let everyone down. Yet, I gave so much! That's all part of being CO dependent. I'm learning this now.
I'm also learning to focus on my own health. On my own feelings. My own actions.
When I decided I was too tired of my life. I chose to leave him and go to a safe place. Guess what?he's still doing the same things.
After coming to this forum...not even two weeks ago. I've made such great progress.
I examined myself. I found I've relied on him for everything and my happiness was mine to get. It has nothing to do with him.
So I needed to get healthy. How? How was I sick?

First, I was physically ill. I stopped caring about my body. Depleted myself of nutrition, sleep, and even medication for my hyperthyroidism! All because I was so tired of caring for him.
So I went to the doctor and got meds. I got up and made a lunch that I enjoyed cooking. It wasn't out of a paper bag from a fast food place. That felt good. I also got a new hair straightener. I spent money on myself and gave myself a gift. Darn, he's spent plenty on himself! And I nap! Did I mention i take naps!?
I then decided that I'm broken on the inside too. I have a broken heart. A broken spirit. So I go to church. I fellowship. I call my friends on the phone and talk for an hour! I go to walk around the mall. Took my daughter to the park!
I also realise that his sickness had fuelled a sickness in me. Dependency. From this forum I've gotten suggestions on books to read. Blog posts. Vents. It's all new. But, I'm doing my home work. I'm reading about his illness and mine. I'm starting cr meeting and alanon. And therapy. I'm being honest with myself, with you, and my family.
I don't make excuses for him or me.
It's so freeing. So calm.
I'm not there yet. I'm learning to be content. I'm learning that I can be happy regardless of what he does. It's in my hands.
You can do it too! You can be free. You have to educate yourself. Trust yourself. Believe that you can change. And embrace it. You deserve to be happy.
He can choose to get better or he can choose not to. It's your choice if you decide to be better or not to.
I know is a long rambling post and I'm sorry. But I'm starting to get excited about my life again. For the first time in years. And I hope you find that excitement too!
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Old 09-11-2014, 07:49 PM
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Your husband is drinking. You can not take anything he says to heart as he is talking out his a s s. Until your husband wants help, he will continue to be a drunk and blame everyone but himself for all his problems. This is not your fault. If you have 2 children that need taken care of, I suggest you let the biggest King Baby take care of himself and you take the reigns and care for the 2 most important children and yourself.
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Old 09-11-2014, 07:52 PM
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Thank you all for your kind words and support. I've reached out to AH's sister and her husband, they understand, they know. I just called them. They will help. There will be hell to pay with ah for me calling his family but I cant call mine and I can't be doing this alone anymore. My bil is a recovering a, he understands.
Thank you all for listening and supporting me.
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Old 09-11-2014, 07:55 PM
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Soverylost, please know that you'll be in my prayers tonight.
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