Are they Always Lucky?

Old 09-11-2014, 10:59 AM
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Are they Always Lucky?

Am I the only one who feels like most A's get away with so much? That they always luck out?

I had to make an appointment on the 19th of August to get an appointment September 16th to file for custody. They later called and gave me a sooner appointment which was yesterday.

Well xabf started texting me saying he wanted to see DD everyday and how would I like it if I couldn't see her every day...blah blah blah. (I'm meeting him so he can visit her everyother day...that still feels like too much.)

Anyway, then he texted me saying we needed to be adults and go to mediation to work things out. I REQUESTED THAT 3 WEEKS AGO.

I told him that was fine, that I had asked him to do that already, and that I filed for custody today. He then told me that he filed today (yesterday) too, shortly after I did. WTF? I can't tell if he is lying or not. But it makes me nervous.

Then he told me that the mediator I suggested wouldn't work because our county only uses court appointed ones. I checked that info...turns out hes right. Idk how he found that out, they didn't tell me any of that when I filed.

I was feeling so confident that as long as I do the right thing for her that I can protect her from him. I feel like yesterday was a foreshadow to the future. Like he will weasel his way in court or mediation and get her 50/50. I don't even think he can take care of her for a weekend. Every night he calls her drunk. His moods swing one day to the next.

But he is so manipulative.

I know I shouldn't worry about the future, we don'teven have a court date yet. But its always digging in the back of my mind. I can't bear to think of my smart sweet baby turning into an addict.
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Old 09-11-2014, 11:04 AM
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NO, they're not always lucky.

At one point, my attorney suggested I file for full custody and only supervised visitation. I weighed the pros and cons and decided against it for financial reasons (if I lost, it could have cost me $30K). I cried and my attorney's partner said this to me:

"Be patient. The one thing I know about jerks like your ex is that if you are just patient, they will screw up. It may not happen as fast as you'd like, but I can guarantee you, he will screw up."

So that's my message to you, too. The further he descends into alcoholism -- if he doesn't decide to get sober -- the more you'll be ahead. (((hugs)))
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Old 09-11-2014, 12:02 PM
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I second Lillamy's post. They're not always lucky. Every once in a while, I still find myself thinking that about AXH, but then I realize it's (now) been almost 2.5 years since he's seen the most amazing, brilliant little kid. 2.5 years since his actions lost him even supervised visitation rights. This is years after AXH threatened to make it so _I_ never saw DS again.

DS is not so little any more; he'll be 10 soon and he has grown so much since he was 7. AXH has missed over 2 years of watching this beautiful soul explore the world and grow; missed the highs and lows, the excitement and tears, the "Momma, I did *THIS*!"s and the heartbroken "WHY??"s, the enthusiastic participations and the grudging "Fine!"s, and all of the 'mundane' days between. Whether AXH knows it or not, that is beyond sad and one of the steepest prices his addiction will make him pay.
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Old 09-11-2014, 12:37 PM
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How old is DD? You need to set some boundaries, if he calls drunk he doesn't get to talk to DD.

In the mean time of a court date, you need to set some rules/boundaries for yourself and DD. Maybe he can only call every other night at 7PM, without any kind of boundaries he's going to control you emotionally. Look how upset he's gotten you about mediation.

That's the game he's playing - control you via manipulation and your own fears.

Talk with the courts, inquiry about mediation, your rights, assistance when dealing with the other parent when they are alcoholics.
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Old 09-11-2014, 01:01 PM
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I was thinking the same thing as at a loss. Every other day sounds like a lot for visitation, especially with an active A.
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Old 09-11-2014, 01:11 PM
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when i went to court over my kids i was told in no uncertain terms its all about the kids and not about me or my ex wife.
the courts are not interested in anyone who is useing the kids to hit out at there partners etc
this of course fell on deaf ears as both me and the ex went to war : )

it was really all about us and who was going to win the kids and how much pain it would give to the other one who couldn't see the kids

it took me a while before the penny sunk in that the kids loved me and her and how dare i play god with my kids love for there mum etc
of course i had aa people kicking me up the bum to make me see this way as i was all about keeping my kids away from her as she was still drinking and not a fit person blah blah all the rubbish i could find on her would come out as for my justifications for my actions

in the end i got the kids and she got visits and like someone else said dont worry about them as they will soon fook up on there own and thats exactly what did happen
she carried on drinking and missed contacts etc the kids got fed up of getting hurt and let down that they gave up with her, without me having to do a thing

its pretty amazing when i think how i let go of that situation and just went with it rather than trying to control it and force things etc and it worked out just how it should of without any sticking my ore in
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Old 09-11-2014, 01:12 PM
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Right now until custody is set up he is really pushing for every day. I'm hoping to get it down to less by court. Right now its too much. I might just start telling him to come to the house instead of meeting us out somewhere. He hates doing that because its "too much work" for him. Nevermind running DD around (who is 3 btw) in the evenings after work/preschool
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Old 09-11-2014, 03:42 PM
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Blossom.....I am not so sure that that is a good idea.

Once the camel gets the nose under the tent.....soon, it is the whole body!!

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Old 09-11-2014, 03:59 PM
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I agree with dandylion- I would not allow him to come over, especially if he is still drinking/having mood swings. Being in a public place may be safer option.

As far as phone calls, you can set boundaries as well if its too much. You can have a life and don't have to be home every night for the calls either. If he is drunk, then I would not allow him to speak to DD. If she is only 3, she probably wouldn't care if he called or not every day either. I know my DS who is 4 doesn't care if he talks to his dad every day or not.
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Old 09-12-2014, 05:31 AM
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We met at the park yesterday so DD could see the dog (and me too..I miss the dog lol). Poor bandit (the dog) cried when he saw us! he tried to come home with us too. DD was more upset about leaving him than anything. That was probably the hardest visit.

He wants to come by to see her tonight at the house even though I have repeatedly asked him for every other day. I want to outright say no. Will that look bad in court? she is so clingy with me after she sees him. She won't let anyone else get near her and she won't let me leave her side.

I think you are right dandylion....its better if he doesn't come to the house.

The phone calls aren't so bothersome...she would get upset at first when he would hang up before she was done talking. Now she does it to him lol. (I did NOT teach her that, just fyi). She does care if he calls...shes a little ocd I think. She notices if he doesn't call or doesn't answer and it bothers her a ton. She likes things to stay a certain way. I think part of that is the lack of stability she has had while we were living with him.
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Old 09-12-2014, 06:03 AM
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Absolutely say NO!!! just because he wants everything his way, you don't have to acknowledge him.

ASSERT YOURSELF.....no one expects you to continue to revolve your life and that of your child around him. No judge expects this and don't worry about "looking bad", that is not how it looks.

Is he paying you ANY child support? Have you asked him?
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Old 09-12-2014, 06:54 AM
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He hasn't paid any child support. I haven't asked...I know if I do then he will expect to see her more. I filed for it along with custody.
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Old 09-12-2014, 06:56 AM
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Should I ask him for Child support? I never asked him for money before I left even. It was always a joke to do so.
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Old 09-12-2014, 07:00 AM
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Yes you should ask for child support if you need it.

Let the courts do their thing and you will have an agreement in due time.

In the meantime, usually courts will give a schedule of visitation. Set up one yourself now. "Hey, babydaddy, you can see her on Wednesday from 4-6 and on Saturday from 10-2. You can call between 5-7 to say goodnight on the other nights. Period. " ...or whatever you feel is right. IF HE IS DRINKING at all - the visit or phone call ends immediately. Put him on speaker.

Until the court has its say, you are tasked with keeping a schedule for your daughter and sticking to it. He is pulling your strings. You are allowing it. Classic dance. Sit this one out.
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Old 09-12-2014, 07:32 AM
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Honey, the courts will never order that he sees her every single day. Not going to happen. I don't think you should be scared to say NO.

Also, yes, you should ask for child support through the courts. His child, he needs to pay his part.

Hugs, tight hugs.
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Old 09-12-2014, 10:25 AM
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Just because he pays child support he is not "buying" time with her. He is obligated to pay WEEKLY whether he sees her or not....when they garnish his wages and the $$ comes directly into your account, it won't be a JOKE.

if you do not need the $$ now , later on your daughter will....how much is college? a car down the road, car insurance, a new computer? a prom dress? BRACES? a trip with classmates.

think of the future and her insurance needs too. put the child support into an account.

like I said, assert yourself, he is wiping his feet on you trying to make you jump when he barks.
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Old 09-12-2014, 10:46 AM
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I filed for child support when I filed for custody. and we definitely need it. I just don't want to have to actually confront him about anything except for in court, in front of a judge or at mediation. Right now I wouldn't even know how to bring that up to him without it turning into a big argument as to why he can't have her alone.
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Old 09-12-2014, 11:09 AM
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Just say that you don't think it's a good idea for her right now. NO is a one word sentence. Glad you filed for support, you definitely need and deserve it. Let the courts sort it all out.

Hugs!
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Old 09-12-2014, 11:38 AM
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I remember how nerve-wracking saying no to unreasonable visit demands was. ((((hugs))) But every one is right, you and your daughter are allowed to have your own lives and do not have to be at his beck-and-call. If you have plans you can tell him "No." If you don't have plans but want to stay home for a quiet evening, you can say "No." As long as you set some schedule for your DD to see her father, the court will not think you're being unreasonable in saying no to every-day-visits.

Kids need a sense of rhythm in their lives; they need the security of having a general idea of what to expect. And dropping everything to accommodate his desires, whenever they occur, does not promote that.

Trying to foster that stability for DS ticked AXH off to no end, "Do you know how it sounds to have to schedule a time to see MY son?!" (HP, I can still hear him screaming that at me.) But DS needed it. I couldn't make AXH actually keep his schedule, but I could keep mine, so DS at least knew that what to expect on our days.

And no, paying child support does not give him any *rights* to see his child. Child support is to help pay for the things a child needs: clothing, food, toys, daycare, etc. That's all, and it's a responsibility, not a guarantee of rights. Even though the courts said AXH cannot see DS until he cleans up his act, he still has to pay support.

You can do this.
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Old 09-12-2014, 12:19 PM
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I am about to have a panic attack. apparently if I/we filed this week then a court date won't even happen until December or January. I cannot. I cannot do this that long. They only recognize 2 different certified mediators in the whole friggin county. I just emailed the juvenile court to see who those mediators are and how I can make an appointment sooner than that.

I cannot do this that long. absolutely cannot.
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