Hobbers

Hi all,

So, I have been 'doing good' (whatever that means) for 32 days now. I haven't drink, and generally, I have not had real/genuinely bad cravings for drinking this whole time- A fleeting moment here and there, a nostalgic thought or memory, but not a craving that lasted/worried me I might act on it.

Obviously, I am going somewhere with this...


So, I have been going to a great IOP program, regularily. Going to meetings, seeing a therapist on the side, have a supportive DW who is going to al anon meetings- the works. Anyway, last night, we had our second 'couples session' that is offered as additional support at my IOP program.

And it was hard. Really hard. None of the hard stuff was the 'coupley' stuff. It was just a number of things that the therapist talked about, regarding recovery, life, action, the future, the almost inevitable chance at relapse, and many, many more things, that just weighed on me something terrible. I had never in my life had a therapy session hit/hurt me so hard.


Last night, I was watching TV. a character on some show was drinking. I wanted to.

A movie came on after. A character was drinking. Made me want to.

LATE at night, in bed reading, a favorite character (who exists/is based off a real life person) who I love is sort of the 'lovable hedonist' was drinking several times. I truly 'missed' drinking for the first time. I wanted to drink.


I didn't. I could have, but I did not. I feel good about this, but not great, because it dawned on me that being sober this past month has NOT been hard, and I actually doubt it will be hard to not drink... until I want to drink. I was analysing myself last night, and I kept thinking "Man, I can tell myself a thousand times I have no intention to drink, until I don't tell myself, and then I do."

I've mentioned before that- generally- I don't worry about drinking 'today', any day. I worry when I think about the future/forever. I know I am not supposed to think that way, but I can't help it. 'Forever' terrifies me, and I just have a hard time seeing my life- long term- being happy/FUN without drinking.


And like last night when I mentioned this/things at therapy, and like last night awake in bed, and I am sure here/above in this post, I know this reads CRAZY, and sounds INSANE (because my life was going downhill/crazy before when I was drinking), and THAT scares the bejesus out of me too- I, for the first time, feel the crazy/insanity of this whole thing.

Nonsensical

One thing I discovered was that while my addiction is generally ignorant, it knows what 'forever' means. I still get a mild physical reaction if I think about never/forever - anxiety, fear, etc.

However, if I think 'I won't drink for 75 years', my addiction doesn't provoke any reaction whatsoever. So goofy!

Congrats on 32 days!

Soberwolf

hobbers you are here sober after being tested

thats what doing good is

your amazing at 32 days

Coldfusion

When I left detox, I was told that it was very likely I would relapse. Those are the statistics...

I took it as a challenge, and have stayed sober.

biminiblue

To thine own self be true - no matter what anyone says about possible relapse, it doesn't mean it's true.

NorMar

Yeah, that storybook and movie and tv show drinking is pretty fun stuff. James Bond throwing back a couple of Vodka Martinis, (shaken not stirred) the killing off the bad guy, getting the hot girl.

Remember what the reality of it is. The 1st, 2nd, 3rd are indeed fun. But you know it will not stop there. After a large quantity of your drink of choice, you will wake up with a huge hangover, wondering what happened, and feeling terrible.

I still have a lot of friends that are hard drinkers. I do miss those times when I would pop a top at a get together. They do indeed have fun early on. But if I hang around long enough at a bar b que, they start getting loud, staggering drunk. Sometimes after I leave, I hear they stayed drinking til early morning hours, passed out in their trucks, drove home drunk, etc. I don't want to go back there. And I know I will if I have "just one or two"

Still my buddies, they have a standing offer to call me and wake me up if ther are ever too drunk to drive, which is every weekend. Have never gotten a call. Always the same answer. "I was ok to drive." Of course they weren't. I have said the same thing hundreds of times. Tragedy waiting to happen

ghostdad

Hobbers - my emotions have been all over the place since I quit. I still have the cravings and have been trying hard not to put myself in situations where alcohol is involved. I even tell my wife to change the radio station when a song comes on that has a drinking theme. As someone wrote in another post I think we are still at "can't drink" and are working hard towards "I don't drink". Nobody said it would be easy. I try not to worry about forever because it also causes me a certain amount of anxiety. My focus is on today and only today. Your stronger than you give yourself credit for - keep up the good work.

Low

I know you don't want to hear this, but your totally where you should be...Of course as soon as some really uncomfortable feelings come up the thought of drinking comes up...that's how we have handled feelings for a very long time. Your brain just bounced back to what it knows and past behavior. Your post doesn't sound crazy at all, I hear it all the time. PLEASE DON'T beat yourself up for having thought of drinking, of course you did when that stuff was put in your face...it's just a reminder that one has to pick up new tools to use. There will be alot more of this in the future, we don't get new coping skills overnight. You are doing so many things right. It's like we get a chance to finally work through these crappy feelings etc. instead of drinking through them and no life lesson is learned...it doesn't always feel good these feelings, (if fact they are quite awful) Don't drink no matter what, pick up new tools to use, and last your reactions were quite normal! Good for you.

Hobbers

Today I am feeling a little better. not great about yesterday, but good that I held out. It worries me that those 'last nights' will happen more/more frequently though.

I know, or at least believe, that I will continue to struggle with the 'forever' idea (though that whole 75 years was kinda cool- I may give that a shot!).

Thanks gang, really. I appreciate the words of advice, and compassion here.

JustCrusade

As someone who has followed your story and is newly sober also - you are an inspiration to me!

You might have had a rough night, but you are doing the work and have the right attitude! Even if "the future" seems like a scary thought at the moment. You speak with courage - even if it's admitting you may be having a tough time currently.

signed,
a fellow 1 monther that has those exact same rough days/nights and fleeting thoughts

Hobbers

Thank you JustCrusade (I had no idea I had anyone 'following' me, lol). I really appreciate the kind words.

firstymer

Hobbers, if you hadn't had any really "real/genuinely bad cravings" before last night, you were on borrowed time, IMHO. During the first several months of sobriety, I had several grind my teeth, swear at the liquor cabinet, gotta get out of the house now or I am gonna drink right now, moments. They happen.

You have proven to yourself that when these moments do happen, you are prepared to be stronger than the urge itself.

So, give yourself a pat on the back. Then plan for how you will deal with the situation the next time it arises.

Like JustCrusade I, and I am sure many others, have been following your courageous journey. Keep doing what you are doing. You are clearly on the right path.

Meraviglioso

YOu do not sound crazy at all, not one bit. I think most of us here completely understand you. You are doing really amazing, 32 days is incredible. I know that there will be more emotional things to face in future therapy sessions but remember how you have made it this far and keep going. Forever is terrifying, it is best not to go there! Congratulations again

Inflagrante

Hey Hobbers. I think you and I have about the same amount of sober time, and I also had a bit of weird night last night.

Yesterday I got to thinking about stuff from my past and posted a little about it, and it's definitely not anything I'm proud of. I have a tendency to dwell on things, and I really shouldn't let myself dwell on my past because then I get depressed.

So I got a bit depressed yesterday, and a feeling came over me that I haven't felt since getting sober. I started thinking that my life was never going to get better because the one constant in it that has always made me unhappy is me.

I went through some difficult things after my DUI and really had to reassess who I was as a person and how I was living my life, and I didn't like what I saw. Of course, I am a complete loner too who lives way too much in my own head. When you don't like yourself very much and you don't get any external validation that you're actually a good person -- well, life can look pretty bad.

Anyway, I was at the grocery store last night and stopped in front of an aisle where they sell all sorts of alcoholic drinks in cans like jack and soda and other stuff that I've never even drank, and I was almost daring myself to want the alcohol -- to give myself an excuse to go back to drinking, because at least when I'm drinking, I can blame the alcohol for why I'm so unhappy with myself. When I'm sober, it's just me. And I'm little stuck because I don't really know how to change that.

I didn't buy any alcohol, and I went home and did what I could to occupy my mind so I wouldn't dwell on all the reasons why I'm unhappy with myself.

I'm really feeling an itch to move back to the states so that I can get back into the social activities I used to do that made me feel good about myself. I'm alone way too much here, and I don't think that's good for my sobriety.

Hobbers

Thank you, Inflagrante. I appreciate your thoughts, and your perspective.

Alynn

I know.. My thought exactly.. Will I really never go on a vacation again and not have drinks at the pool or beach? This was my thinking today... I reminded my self on all I missed out on during those vacations because in was ready to pass out instead of going to nice dinner with my husband... I can't think about forever without getting scared. I just remind my self the cons out do the pros.. Maybe I will remember the next vaca... I like the don't / can't theory. I'm trying to own my sobriety because it's the best way to live. Only 11 days into forever though... I can do all things through he who strengthens me

sthlondonab

Hey. You are doing great.

Hideous cravings, like a real physical craving where I could almost taste alcohol were hitting me yesterday. I am near you at day 39 and same, it had been a mental battle up to now of AV trying to make me 'plan' drinks and that I was now cured etc etc. I am with you friend! We can urge surf them together.

I like what someone said above about borrowed time and that craving will come, made me feel better.

Keep going :-)

Fly N Buy

Hi Hobbers! Glad your amongst the sober!

It gets better - but there are ups and downs for sure. You wouldn't be among us if there weren't!

keep posting, sure helps!

Hobbers

It does, and so do all of you.

Yup, I have an AV that told me all of that ("You're/We're CURED! Let's go drink!") the last time I tried this. the first and only 4 months sober I had ever done, almost entirely on my own, and BAM- gone.

Not this time... right?

Dee74

says who?

I make you this promise - you will get out of your recovery what you put in Hobbers...

If you don't want to relapse...and you back that up with action - you won't relapse

D