VioletStorm

I am so embarrassed. I almost didn't come back. It was September 4th. I was here making a post about how "I got this" "I am not drinking" "Never going back to that place" etc. etc. etc. I feel awful! I am just in tears and confused how I let myself go AGAIN. I have been drinking EVERY DAY for the last 5 days straight! Why? I have no clue. I am not depressed, or sad, or mad, or anything. (Well now I feel quite a bit depressed because I drank like that.) Every night black out, not remember what I did or what time I fell asleep. It is awful. I was determined yesterday to make it my day 1 Again... The anxiety I was feeling was too much and I drank to calm down. I woke up today (its about 1030 am now) at about 7 and took my Xanax hoping it would help any anxiety I get today. There is no alcohol in the house so that helps. I just don't know why I am struggling so badly. I have a 5K race on Sunday. It will be my 7th this year... It will also be the first one I have done since I started drink and I am terrified I'm going to do awful. :-/ Gosh, I guess I just need some encouragement? I am feeling super down. Day one. Last drink was at about 1am.

Alynn

Welcome back dust off, try again. I really don't know why I ever drank either. Day one I fooled myself into it (forgetting just how bad the hangovers were, day. 2 was to outrun the hangover, day 3 was to mask the guilt... Same with

I can do all things through he who strengthens me

Anna

Hi Violet,

I'm glad you're back. I do think it's important to understand what is causing you to drink so that you can begin to deal with the feelings. You can do this!

ardy

Hi all well I did not tip a bottle but have had the worst nightmares.. talked to a friend that is gone to a better none drug place.. she is a council go figure.. why am I having these terrible dreams.. babe Carol said you lived thro a year that will always haunt you, not for the complete year but just part of it... and my nightmare started Sept 5 and hurt in my arms and legs.. we were in Tallahassee Florida on 9/11.. Our lives changed so much that day.. why are we doing this because well because we are human and have hearts that still break.. into a billion stars in the sky.. so how can we hold tight.. this tech helps.. and stay away from the news and tv. really. its so hard... play a dvd that has laughter.. cook have friends over lay ground rules no sad stuff make a dinner party of silly things .. prayers to all and love so very much love from this old lady clown.. ardy

Resolv

Good Morning VioletStorm, Please be your own best friend and forgive yourself. Beating yourself up isn't going to help you succeed at sobriety. My experience leads me to believe you just have to "tough it out" in the beginning. Just like starting an exercise program, you're going to be sore. Soreness can either be an excuse to quit or it can be an incentive to work through it. Try searching in yourself and discover the core reasons for sobriety & recovery, then keep your eye on the prize.

Keep reading and posting on SR. You can do it.

Nowsthetime

I agree with Ms. Anna, you have to step outside yourself and try to be objective and figure out what led you to drink. You sounded very determined so something happened. Use this as a learning tool, can't change it but can learn from it. You can do this!!!!

Jupiters

welcome back VS
what are you going to do differently this time around? Something isn't working obviously.
Don't drink today! You have a few days to prepare for your race on Sunday!

biminiblue

The anxiety is caused in part by withdrawal. I had to just tough it out for a couple weeks of anxiety until the worst was over.

You'll do fine on your 5K. A 5K doesn't have to be a competition, it can just be for you and the joy of being out there. When I start attaching all kinds of expectations to every thing I do, it makes me worry unnecessarily. I don't sweat the stuff that isn't going to negatively affect my health or my ability to have a roof over my head. Full stop.

The anxiety will let up, but it's going to be with you for a while: just power through it - keep reading here and just don't pick up that first drink, for any reason. It gets easier the further you get from that last drink.

PurpleKnight

I drank because I had an addiction to alcohol, I only had so much willpower to resist alcohol on my own, and eventually my addictive mind would wear me down leading to the inevitable which was picking up alcohol again!!

So don't beat yourself up, addiction is not an easy thing to break, go at things again, but tweak your plan, I found I needed something outside of my myself, a system of support to make up for the flaw in my own willpower, short circuit my own thought processes and what my mind wanted me to do!!

You can do this!!

Soberwolf

This

HeadLump

Good for you for posting about this, Violet. That takes guts Hang on to this feeling and then remember how good it felt not drinking. Sobriety is a gift in so many ways but you have to give it to yourself.

Good luck for Sunday!

FreeOwl

welcome back....

what's your plan going forward?

Meraviglioso

Hi Violet, thank you for posting this, it makes me feel less alone. I am fighting hard to but am having continual relapses that I don't see coming and am having a hard time understanding. Stop today. Get back at your sobriety today. You can do this, you can. Trust me I understand you, it is so frustrating and difficult to face these failures then pick back up and go on, but it is possible.

Bigsombrero just posted a great analogy about how putting off quitting is like hitting the snooze button. Stop hitting the snooze button and get back at it today.

I will add another analogy for you to consider. I feel like quitting drinking- for some of us- is like knocking over a vending machine. Some people can push over a vending machine in one go. Most people would have to rock it back and forth a bit to get a bit of momentum going before the machine finally tumbles over. I'm in the second group, rocking that vending machine- aka my alcoholism- until I can finally get the bastard tipped over.

VioletStorm

Wow, thank you all so much! So I keep thinking back to the other day. I was EXTREMELY moody and couldn't handle the mood swings.. Yeah, so that is probably it. The moodiness got to me. Every noise was irritating me. I should have spent more time here than I did as well.. I am finding it hard to believe that all the anxiety I'm feeling is from withdrawals already.. Is that normal? Then again... I have been drinking over half a fifth for the last 5 days Straight. ARRgh.. How gross it makes me feel thinking about it.. I just don't remember feeling THIS anxious before. I just made lunch and I am forcing myself to eat it. I'm hungry but I can't eat.. Weird. To me it is weird at least. I have to get through this day and the night. One day at a time I suppose. I need to come here when I feel like screaming. Maybe go into that chat. I don't know. blah

ElleDee

Don't beat yourself up! You're back and you're starting again... that's important. You're going to do it. Hang in there and don't give up!

alumni

I have found that it can be really helpful to not be alone when recovering early from a relapse.
A support group, your physician, close family members, sober friends, etc.
Isolating and hiding a relapse (or even your previous abuse) is evidence of the old saying about being only as sick as the secrets you keep. Lose the secrets.
I think you should feel very negative about relapsing. However, part of that remorse should also include a rational analysis of the circumstances that surrounded it.
Something triggered it. Where, when, who?

JustCrusade

Been where you are right now, and I'm pulling for ya! The support and advice on SR is priceless. Stick around!

VioletStorm

The only thing I can think that trigger it was my aggravation... The aggravation was from not drinking. I just wanted to scream. I just wanted to feel relaxed. I have talked to a few close friends about it as well. I am not hiding it from Everyone but I am hiding it from my father. I am just not ready to tell him. He knows I have been drinking but not that it got out of control again. I also do not see him often. I don't think I need to go and tell the world. I do have a few friends though, like I mentioned, that are aware and are being awesome about it.

alumni

There you go. Aggravation. That's definitely not going to go away anytime soon if your life is anything like mine.
Learning about coping skills when dealing with aggravation (whatever the cause) is very important.
When I was irritated and abusing, I reached for more pills and booze.
When I got straight and was irritated during early recovery, I reached for CBT, meditation, my sponsor, my counselor, the closest support meeting, or all of the above.
There really can be times when "it takes a village."

VioletStorm

I think I may try some yoga. Thank you