Meraviglioso

Well, I woke up this morning feeling fresh and without a hangover. It is really amazing to me how much better I feel after just one day clean. In any case, I have been trying to set aside some time each morning to concentrate on/meditate on/whatever you want to call it on my goal of sobriety.
I think I figured out a key component to why I keep relapsing and I need some help on how I might be able to change my mindset on this.
I realized that I am very good at adding things to my life- for pleasure or out of need or for self improvement, but very poor at taking things away.
For example several years ago I was mildly overweight and wanted to change that. I lasted on a diet about 1/2 a day. I could not not eat what I wanted. So I added in exercise and took to it right away. I went for a power walk every morning, went to the gym every single day doing heavy weights, often walked at night as well. It was very easy for me to make this change but I never once restricted what I ate or drank. I could add in the exercise but not take away the food.
I am the same with people. I still like to keep ties to people who are long gone form my life. Once every several years I send an email to my ex-husband even though we no longer speak and he has never responded. Something about him being forever gone is difficult for me to accept. I keep in touch (again, once a year or less) with old boyfriends, just a friendly hello over facebook or via email, nothing serious but it soothes me to have that connection.
I also do this with inanimate objects. I am by no means a hoarder, my house is mostly clean and orderly, but I have clothes I haven't worn in years and each season when I change over my wardrobe from summer to winter I think "I haven't put this on in 5 years, I should really throw it out/donate it" but I don't, I just fold it and store it and bring it out next season.
I love rabbits and bunnies and my mother likes to give me cards or gifts with rabbits on them. Some are useful like little dessert plates with rabbits. Others are just dust collectors, little knick knacks that actually quite annoy me and seem messy just hanging out on a shelf but I can't throw them out.

Long explanation to say I think this is a big part of my drinking. I don't like letting go, I don't like feeling deprived or something I "want"

How did you get past this? Surely this is a big part of most people's recovery. I am making progress with other psychological and physiological aspects of getting sober, but this one I am having a hard time with. Any advice? Thanks all!

Dee74

Sometimes we hang on to bad things because we feel comfortable knowing the parameters.

Do you think fear is part of your reluctance to let go Mera?

Life will change for you as a sober woman.
That's a given.

It's a leap of faith...

But...maybe the changes won't be bad ones?

Sometimes we just need a little faith

D

Meraviglioso

I don't know Dee, that's a good question. I guess I feel sad? I am not really sure. I do need to get back to my psychologist, but she wants to wait until I have some sober time under my belt before seeing me again.
I suppose it could be fear but I don't understand why it would be. I feel great when sober, really great. Full of energy, no depression or anxiety issues. Life is decent for me despite some minimal, manageable struggles. There are situations which cause me to be stressed, such as being at my ex's house, but that is something I can surely work through. Why would I be afraid of feeling great I wonder?
Hmmm, I'm having a pensive morning it seems. Maybe I am overthinking this, I am just so tired of going back to alcohol that I want to explore every angle of this. I like setting aside the time in the morning for calm and concentration.

Soberwolf

Dee speaks the truth

Dee74

Ok rather than me putting words in your mouth, or mind...think about draws you back to drinking Mera...

is it a reluctance to be different? an inability to cope, a desire to escape?
a rush of familiar anticipation before you take that first sip?

or...what?

D

bellaboos

Ditto!
A word of advice from my 30+ year sober dad was " don't think about what you're giving up, think about what you're gaining "
We can't moderate which is the theme I'm getting from your post. That's hard for me to accept too. I have to accept that I can't handle alcohol in the same way that I handle everything else in my life. It took me a long time to accept I was an alcoholic because I've always been able to deal with other struggles in the way you've described. Alcohol is so different. A real test for me. I know I can't approach this in the same way as I've approached other addictions in my life because I'll fail ( have failed!) and I can relate to a lot of what you described ref hanging onto things.
I know you can do this meravligliso I'm glad you're feeling positive today

Meraviglioso

Again, good questions. I need to think a lot about this. My initial thoughts are that I do have an inability to cope and feel the need to numb myself/relax/escape. I do also have a rush of anticipation, I see that now that you point it out. So I need a way to cope and not feel like escaping- this has got to be possible, my life is not all that bad. When I am not drinking I am pretty steady with my emotions, generally happy. I also need to let go of this romantic view of drinking. As I have mentioned before I related so much to a lot of what Caroline Knapp described in her book Drinking: A Love Story. I remember her well written description of the sound of a cork coming out of a bottle, the glug glug of the wine pouring, glasses clanking. I need to change that part of my thought process. I don't want to hate alcohol, I just want to not need it or drink it ever again. I can't.
Thanks for all the thoughtful replies and questions. This is really proving to be helpful for me.

whalebelow2

Your in love with booze.

I assume you've been in love with a human.(silly question probably)

Notice any similarities??

The pining, the anticipation, that giddy joyous feeling on first contact?

It's normal, but you know this lover doesn't love you back.it'll steal from you and rob you of all that's good.

FeelingGreat

Before I read on I had a vision of live rabbits breeding like crazy, lol.

You show a lot of insight into your mindset. Maybe the best way to get past this is to start with small steps on something that's not going to change your life too much. Just as an example, how about collecting up a heap of unwanted ornaments and putting them into a box? After a month of not seeing them, you can donate the box.

Just a thought, and it might be too superficial for what you're asking. FWIW it sounds like once you take positive action, you stick to it.

trachemys

Well, you're seeing sobriety as a goal and as a deprivation. It's hard to reconcile those views.

I don't see sobriety as a goal. I see it the way you started your post. An amazing, better feeling. It's a state of being. Being a healthier, happier person. All it takes is choosing beverages that don't poison body and soul.

Meraviglioso

aha! Very good point! Thank you for pointing that out!

GotGrace

Good thoughts. Also, instead of thinking of it as deprivation of something you want, can you try to think of it as a choice? Sometimes that makes me feel more in control and stronger.

Love your posts, Mera. Your honesty and desire inspire me.

Low

In my experience of getting sober, and working with many others getting sober, if at any level it is still something you "want", you might not be ready to really get sober....It is something that it elusive and difficult for many even when they really don't want it anymore. When one reaches a point of being sick of being sick, and the soul feels wretched and empty, we can find an acceptance and understanding that the last thing we want is to drink. That's the start. If one still holds on the wanting and thinking you are depriving yourself of something "good", our alcoholic mind will definitely use that to get get you drinking again. All the best, sobriety is a wonderful thing.

Anna

Mera, I related so much to Caroline Knapp's book. It really made me believe that, if she could do it, I could do it.

I don't want to put words in your mouth either, but it does seem to me that your feelings of not wanting to let go are based in fear. I say this because when I stopped drinking and looking back, I realized almost all the decisions I'd made in my life were based on fear. It could be that you are looking for comfort from email you send to old boyfriends, when ideally that comfort can come from within. And, when it comes from within, no one can take it away from you.

Meraviglioso

Hmmm, I need to think about that too. Because the thing is I feel like I would chop off my own limbs with a rusty knife if it meant I would stop drinking. I cannot put into words the desire inside of me to stop. Yet.... I don't. I want to stop but I also feel angry about having to stop. I am not sure how or if it is possible to reconcile those two conflicting emotions.

jdooner

I don't think most people are comfortable with this concept of letting go and not all recovery methods require this. For me I struggled with letting go, which in a way is asking for help. Having faith in somethign greater than ourselves is what I needed - others need somethign different.

My therapist had a great analogy. Its like we are on a plane, the pilot is dead and we are heading towards a mountain (in the Alps if you like). The fate is known - we will perish if we stay on the plane. There are others with parachutes jumping and you can see the chutes opening and they are floating to safety. But we stay on the plane because we are scared as to whether our chute will open. We need faith to jump to trust it will. Soem are able ot just trust. For others like myself I had to disect and understand how parachutes work and deploy, baraometric sensors etc. In the end I still just needed some faith and jumped. It worked and opened.

Some choose death vs the unknown. The stats are pretty awful when it comes ot addiction, its sad really but not all are supposed to escape. But for those of us who have the faith and trust that the chute will open and things will be alright and can leave the booze and/or drugs behind; the valley we will float down to is wonderful. A life worth living so much better than I could have ever imagined.

Your chute will open Mera - do what you need to understand and trust but it will open. You will be alright but if you stay on that plane, I promise it will crash and burn but you know this already.

Soberwolf

Hi Mera only you really know if it is a problem its your life and you will live it

ive seen some of your posts one that sticks in my mind

you went to bed sober and you posted bunotte or something

im not here to advise theres a lot of good advice already

what i will say is you went bed sober and you was happy about it

i remember that

Meraviglioso

You are so right Anna. If I think back on when I send these emails it is always when I am having a particularly bad bout of drinking or feeling very depressed and low (always due to the alcohol intake). I do think that I do it simply for comfort or even distraction maybe... I send the message, get a slight boost of morale when I receive a response and then just get on with things. It isn't every anything flirtatious or inappropriate, but just keeping that connection soothes me.
Wow, you all are better than my psychologist! I've got a lot of work to do but reading, posting and getting responses from others is helping me narrow down my path instead of wandering around aimlessly.
I know it is so very simple: just don't drink
but arriving there is more complicated than I had anticipated.

Meraviglioso

oh it is a problem alright! And I do want to quit and am very happy when I make it through any day sober. I recall that post too, I was having a few days in a row of no drinking and just felt so great and relaxed going to bed sober. Thanks for responding soberwolf, you may not be here to advise, but I am glad when you do, I admire and am humbled by your experience and your length of sobriety, it is something I aspire to.

freshstart57

Meraviglioso, this is a frequent question here - how do I deprive myself? The answer for me is, I don't.

Here is a previous thread, and my response.
The words we use to describe something are very powerful in determining what our success will be. You get to choose the words about your sobriety goal yourself. You get to look at this in the way that will guarantee your success.