Dealing with separation from partner
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dealing with separation from partner
Hello everyone....
I quit going home to my partner of 14 years last March when I quit drinking. I work 2-1/2 hours away from home. When I was home on the weekends, we would drink 10-13 beers each every night. When I lived there full time, we also drank 6 beers apiece on work nights. When I got tired of beer, I would drink a bottle or two of wine or quite a lot of liquor. In 14 years, I put on about 100 pounds, and my blood panels were all messed up, especially the liver enzymes.
Our separation was brought on by my announcement to him that I could no longer be sexual with him for religious reasons. At the time, I didn't think this would be a deal-breaker. I thought we had other things going for us at our age.
Our relationship has gone from bad to worse since then. I have only seen him once in 6 months. Now I can't even visit our animals any more without fear of dealing with his rage. Naturally, his drinking has progressed, especially since we separated.
Even though I was a problem drinker, it was no big deal for me to quit. I have started losing weight, and my lab work and blood pressure are great.
I have been attending AlAnon and ACOA and am working my program very hard. I do a TON of reading recovery material.
I miss him terribly, and wish things were different. I had hoped we could work something out where I could at least see him when he's sober.
He won't agree to a meeting halfway when he's sober. He says he deserves better than that after 14 years.
Naturally, I lapse into depression and self doubt a lot, thinking all this is my fault. The miracle is that I have not turned to any substance to deal with all this pain.
I appreciate having this support community. God bless you all!
I quit going home to my partner of 14 years last March when I quit drinking. I work 2-1/2 hours away from home. When I was home on the weekends, we would drink 10-13 beers each every night. When I lived there full time, we also drank 6 beers apiece on work nights. When I got tired of beer, I would drink a bottle or two of wine or quite a lot of liquor. In 14 years, I put on about 100 pounds, and my blood panels were all messed up, especially the liver enzymes.
Our separation was brought on by my announcement to him that I could no longer be sexual with him for religious reasons. At the time, I didn't think this would be a deal-breaker. I thought we had other things going for us at our age.
Our relationship has gone from bad to worse since then. I have only seen him once in 6 months. Now I can't even visit our animals any more without fear of dealing with his rage. Naturally, his drinking has progressed, especially since we separated.
Even though I was a problem drinker, it was no big deal for me to quit. I have started losing weight, and my lab work and blood pressure are great.
I have been attending AlAnon and ACOA and am working my program very hard. I do a TON of reading recovery material.
I miss him terribly, and wish things were different. I had hoped we could work something out where I could at least see him when he's sober.
He won't agree to a meeting halfway when he's sober. He says he deserves better than that after 14 years.
Naturally, I lapse into depression and self doubt a lot, thinking all this is my fault. The miracle is that I have not turned to any substance to deal with all this pain.
I appreciate having this support community. God bless you all!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 669
Welcome!!! Just my experience as an alcoholic, but he probably doesn't want to meet because it will prevent him from drinking the way he wants. I missed out on a lot because of that very reason. Not that I didn't love the people I missed seeing and spending time with. I just wanted the alcohol more. It's a hard pull on a full blown alcoholic. Best wishes and I hope things work out best for you!!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
I can relate. My ex-bf and I used to drink a lot together too. When I quit drinking and he didn't, it really messed up our relationship. Eventually leading to separation.
It sounds like this guy may have been a good fit for you when you were drinking, but perhaps having him in your life at this point wouldn't be that good for you anyway? You seem to be working awful hard to improve yourself, but he doesn't seem to be doing the same.
Way to go on attending the meetings and working on your recovery. The best thing you can do right now is to keep working on you.
It sounds like this guy may have been a good fit for you when you were drinking, but perhaps having him in your life at this point wouldn't be that good for you anyway? You seem to be working awful hard to improve yourself, but he doesn't seem to be doing the same.
Way to go on attending the meetings and working on your recovery. The best thing you can do right now is to keep working on you.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
Welcome to SR!
Maybe sending him a letter would make things easier. You would have time to write how you feel and he would have time to read and process, hopefully re-read the letter sober. It's nobody's business here, but perhaps explaining to him in more details in his letter the no more sex part. Maybe he doesn't understand and feels hurt.
Good luck and glad you found us!
Maybe sending him a letter would make things easier. You would have time to write how you feel and he would have time to read and process, hopefully re-read the letter sober. It's nobody's business here, but perhaps explaining to him in more details in his letter the no more sex part. Maybe he doesn't understand and feels hurt.
Good luck and glad you found us!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Originally Posted by Thepatman 
Welcome to SR!
Maybe sending him a letter would make things easier. You would have time to write how you feel and he would have time to read and process, hopefully re-read the letter sober. It's nobody's business here, but perhaps explaining to him in more details in his letter the no more sex part. Maybe he doesn't understand and feels hurt.
Good luck and glad you found us!
Maybe sending him a letter would make things easier. You would have time to write how you feel and he would have time to read and process, hopefully re-read the letter sober. It's nobody's business here, but perhaps explaining to him in more details in his letter the no more sex part. Maybe he doesn't understand and feels hurt.
Good luck and glad you found us!
Getting philosophical, how long can the physical stuff last anyway when you are in a relationship where you have to hide and placate?
Thanks again for your kind words.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,492
I think that you have made changes in your life, and your partner has not, and so you are stuck at this point. He is clearly angry by the changes you've made. And, yes, I think that honesty is the basis of any relationship.
I'm so sorry that you cannot visit your pets.
I'm so sorry that you cannot visit your pets.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: midwest
Posts: 484
Welcome to SR!! You will find lots of support here.
Hmm you know.. my brother once said that the only thing that you can count on is change. It helped me to know that moments and people come and go (even parents) and that we can adapt and grow. Sometimes we have to let go and embrace our futures. Best of luck!!
Hmm you know.. my brother once said that the only thing that you can count on is change. It helped me to know that moments and people come and go (even parents) and that we can adapt and grow. Sometimes we have to let go and embrace our futures. Best of luck!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
"I think that you have made changes in your life, and your partner has not, and so you are stuck at this point. He is clearly angry by the changes you've made. And, yes, I think that honesty is the basis of any relationship."
Spot on, Anna! Except, he is the "stuck" one.
Today is a rare day of unbelievable clarity, for which I am grateful to God.
I have been prone to feel guilty for being honest with my partner. The hyper-sexualized, screwed-up (no pun intended) culture we live in supports my partner's position and makes me the villain.
The fact is, there are celibate married couples all over the world who are very happy together. Getting out of bed in the morning is a major task for some of them. Sex, in those cases, is completely out of the question.
I am 100% sure that if I drank up, put out and shut up, things would be hunky dorey between my partner and I. Unfortunately, this looks entirely too much like my family of origin's pathology; a legacy I am working very hard to overcome in recovery.
My partner has made it quite clear that 14 years of shared good times, my taking him to overnight ER visits, and otherwise supporting him are trumped by his anger at me for my choices. I believe he would rather be with someone else or alone in life.
I am grateful to this forum. It helps to get everything down in "print," where one can be more objective. After all, what is more crazy than my mate hating me for pointing out that our alcohol consumption was taking us both to an early grave.
Thanks for reading, and your kind comments!
Spot on, Anna! Except, he is the "stuck" one.
Today is a rare day of unbelievable clarity, for which I am grateful to God.
I have been prone to feel guilty for being honest with my partner. The hyper-sexualized, screwed-up (no pun intended) culture we live in supports my partner's position and makes me the villain.
The fact is, there are celibate married couples all over the world who are very happy together. Getting out of bed in the morning is a major task for some of them. Sex, in those cases, is completely out of the question.
I am 100% sure that if I drank up, put out and shut up, things would be hunky dorey between my partner and I. Unfortunately, this looks entirely too much like my family of origin's pathology; a legacy I am working very hard to overcome in recovery.
My partner has made it quite clear that 14 years of shared good times, my taking him to overnight ER visits, and otherwise supporting him are trumped by his anger at me for my choices. I believe he would rather be with someone else or alone in life.
I am grateful to this forum. It helps to get everything down in "print," where one can be more objective. After all, what is more crazy than my mate hating me for pointing out that our alcohol consumption was taking us both to an early grave.
Thanks for reading, and your kind comments!
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