Meraviglioso

Hi all, be gentle with me, I need it today.
I drank some wine last night. I was at the beach with my children, their cousins and my (ex) sister-in-law. She wanted a beer and I let go of control and had a glass of wine. Of course that opened the floodgates and I stopped on the way home to buy more wine.
In the middle of the night we had a terrible thunderstorm here. My youngest son called for me and asked to sleep in my bed because he was afraid. He is the one that is not so snuggly/mommy mommy, so this was a very tender moment for me, to have him curled up in my arms, holding onto me. I started to think "do I smell like alcohol?" I had showered and brushed my teeth before bed, but I know that the alcohol seeps out of my skin after the fact. I became so horribly sad thinking that this is the smell my children must associate with me. Here I had my darling boy curled up next to me and instead of enjoying the moment of comforting him I could only think about what I must smell like to him. It was tragically sad for me.
I then fell back off to sleep and had a horrible dream. I was normal looking in the dream, up and walking about but I was just days away from death due to liver failure. I got down on my knees and tried not to cry as I explained to my kids I was going to the hospital, that it was time for me to die.
Enough is enough. I am slowly crawling my way to sobriety. I get a number of days under my belt and then have one day of drinking. It is better than a few months ago, drinking 2 or more bottles of wine daily. But I am sick to death of this. SICK TO DEATH. I cannot even begin to tell you things I have overcome in my life and how hard I have worked to get where I am. I am no superstar, but I am proud of my accomplishments, even if they are small, just for how hard I have worked for them. But this, I cannot seem to succeed at quitting drinking. I feel so frustrated and angry at myself. I just feel so freaking STUPID. I mean seriously, get yourself together C!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What kind of weak idiot am I that I can't say no to a stupid glass of wine? The day was FINE without that wine. Just fine. But it is not just yesterday, it is all the other slips I have had. What is wrong with me? God I've had enough yet I keep coming back for more.
Go ahead and have at me, I just don't even care, I deserve it. I am just wallowing in self-pity and anger today. But, nothing to do but to get back at it. The leftover wine has been dumped. Got to the gym early this morning. Took my vitamins. Drinking my water. I have been reading on here. I am repeating over and over and over in my head "I am an alcoholic, I can't drink, I don't want to drink, I will never drink again and will never change my mind"
Yes I went to the doctor, no there is nothing she can do for me. No I can't go to AA, I don't have childcare at 9:30 Tuesday nights. As soon as my kids get back into school I will see if there are day meetings in nearby towns. I won't drink today.
Over it.

jdooner

I think your getting there slowly. It comes down to when you become sick enough of being sick.

With young kids you can turn everything around but you have to want a sober life more than an active alcoholic one.

Maybe take a picture of your family and keep it in your wallet to remind yu the next time you are about to buy a bottle of wine.

Personally I found strength in being honest with those closest around me about my problem in early sobriety so I could leverage the support of others and provide accountability. I mean if your sister-in-law knew how much you struggle would she still want you to drink with her? If so then you don't want that relationship. But my guess is she does not understand the extent of the hurt inside you - let others in. Not easy but an investment that I believe has paid dividends throughout my journey thus far.

Dee74

There's no point in beating yourself up - and even less point in us beating you up meraviglioso

You obviously have the desire to be sober..you need to back that up now with action and a commitment to making recovery oriented changes in your life and recovery based choices.

There's really no short cut.
For a while it's going to be hard work - but there's support here and in other places like AA or other groups.

You can do this - but remember you'll get out what you put in

D

Meraviglioso

I am so sad I can barely even respond. I like the idea of the picture. The sister-in-law does know that I want to quit, but she has a whole world of problems of her own and I think she likes that I have mine too.
I honestly wish I could just go away for a while- rehab, the hospital somewhere and get over this first big hump. Get a solid chunk of time going and then come back to face the real world. There are a number of things preventing me from doing that- 1. I can't afford it. 2. I can't leave my kids 3. I am terrified that if my ex and his family know just how major the problem is they will try to take the kids away from me.

I'm doing better, much better than I was several months ago. I feel like I have put on the brakes and am skidding to a stop. The final stop. I don't ever, ever want to drink again. That is my ultimate dream and goal.

trachemys

Mera, so glad to hear you're done with it. Repeat after me: I don't drink. I don't drink. I have a gelato problem but, I don't drink.

Meraviglioso

Thanks, I needed the laugh! Nope, I don't drink. I am quitting smoking too. I just finished my last cigarette and won't be buying anymore. I read someone's post that cited an article that said people quitting drinking have more success if they also quit smoking. So, I'll give that a try.

Gelato though, si per favore!

sprout50

First off, I would never have at you and you don't deserve that. What you deserve is understanding and help. You won't get judgement from me. I have been where you are.

I agree with Jdooner. You have had some sober days so you can get there. I also agree with telling people. For years, I said nothing and tried to quit on my own. It didn't work. Once I admitted it to those who needed to know, I got loads of support. I am not saying tell everyone, just those who can help. If family members knew, would they do alcohol free activities with you? From your posts, I think you need to stay clear of all places where alcohol is part of the equation right now. Get some sobriety under your belt and take it slow. You can do this.

Meraviglioso

ugh, I am so frustrated with the AA situation here too. I don't even know if I will like AA or it will be of help to me, but I'd at least like to give it a go. I have searched all around me and there are only meetings once a week, always at night in the nearby towns. The closest place that has regular meetings, and ones during the day is an hour and 40 minute train ride away. I mean, I am really willing to give this a go, but I have to be honest about my time constraints and the needs of my children (picking them up from school, activities, etc). It is not realistic to think I will be able to make it there with any regularity.

DoubleDragons

I am a mom, too, and my children were my biggest motivator to get sober. This is particularly so because my mother is an alcoholic and that fact has caused me so much pain. I couldn't bear for my children to worry what I would be like at their graduations, their weddings, watching their children, etc. etc.

For me, the first few months of sobriety meant that I scheduled up my evenings with non-alcoholic events: yoga, reading, volunteering, laundry, grocery shopping, just driving around or going to bed early. My social life was put on hold until I was past the hump of major cravings.

There is a lot of wisdom in the saying "Just don't drink today. You can drink tomorrow, but never today." This thought definitely got me through the tough first couple of months.

I will have a year sober at the end of this month. I drank fairly regularly for 27 years. My life has never been better. You can and should give yourself this gift. You and your children will benefit so much.

sprout50

If your SIL has problems too,maybe it's the misery loves company thing? Might be best to stay away from that for now.

Meraviglioso

Thank you so much. And you are totally right, I just cannot be around alcohol or anyone who offers it to me. I have cut out the bars and various social things, the last holdout was the beach club, but summer is over, the kids start school next Monday and the weather is going to be terrible between now and then.

Meraviglioso

Congratulations to you and thank you for the inspiration and for the kind words. You are so right about the social life thing. I feel very safe and ok in my house. I really just feel like holing up here until I feel safe to come out. Of course I can't do that, I need to get my kids places, go to the gym and buy food. But for now I am going to stick to just the basics. I feel like I need to put blinders on and stay alone. Fortunately things are coming to a good point right now. I am at my wits end with drinking. Summer is ending so there will not be as many temptations to go out and be social, which leads to temptations to drink. I just want to stay inside for a long time until i get a grip on this thing. How did I end up like this?

LBrain

Worrying about losing your children because others think you have a problem is one thing. Losing your children because you DO have a problem is another. You can fix this now. The problem will be in the past. Sometimes we can be amazed at how many people ALREADY KNOW about our problem.
Don't shy away from sharing your desire to straighten yourself out. If people close to you do not know you wish to stop, they will continue to assume the status quo - everything is as usual. Letting people in on your little SECRET can go a long way to gaining their trust and help/encouragement to do this.
In the meantime, look into reading and other methods of recovery until you can get to meetings.
Don't beat yourself up. You can beat this beast. Focus your energy on that.

Soberwolf

Good luck in staying sober

viva italy !!

whalebelow2

There will be people on the end of a phone in AA who will help.

There are ways and means that can be found.

Don't sell yourself short here and put anything in the "too hard" basket.

I got four kids under ten, a business to run and I know what it's like to be busy and trying to get and stay sober.

It's bloody hard work is what it is.

Get "unstoppable " around stopping drinking.

C'mon... Time to put on your "Superwoman" outfit.

anattaboy

Being present through the whole process of getting sober has been one of the few good choices I've made lately. Not drinking and backing out of the hole I was in has given me invaluable info about myself. Best wishes on YOUR journey!

trachemys

i like that. I really like that.

jdooner

Cut her out of your life if she knows and is actively pulling you down. One of the things I had to come to terms with is there are people that thrive on negative energy. I don't need to be slimed by them and avoid them like the plague.

AA helped save my life. I now sponsor others and the value and wisdom in the steps I think is great. However, in the early days, weeks, months AA served as a lifeline not because I attended tons of meetings but I met my sponsor - someone who walked in my shoes and could understand my crazy thoughts. Instead of posting about a relapse I would call him first and we would talk through the urge at the time - surfing the urge its called. I think having actually accountability in someone who knows you makes it even more real and beneficial. This helped me. This did not require many meetings, just one to meet my temp sponsor. He was not my sponsor I did steps with and I did not even focus on that until a couple months into the process.

Like they say when the house is on fire, no need to worry about the couch matching the drapes - get you and the loved ones out of the burning house. Focus on putting the just not going to drink into action and begin creating a virtual and F2F support network. That helped me!

hopeful4

You must put your sobriety first. I am not a huge fan but in your case it may do the trick. Have you thought about taking antabuse? I say that because it is very clear you WANT to stop.

I don't know what your faith walk is, but I do know there here there is free childcare and even programs for children at Celebrate Recovery. All free. It may be something to look into.

The best gift you can give yourself and your children is sobriety. No matter how you have to do it.

XXX

SoberLife2014

Meraviglioso,

Your post reminded me a lot of myself. I felt the same way when I was trying to stop drinking. The best advice I can give you is to get a little help. It makes it that much easier. I had a hard time getting to AA meetings too, but I found some help through SMART recovery. You might want to check it out. They have a bunch of tools and resources to help you stop drinking and they have frequent online meetings. I think AA has online meetings as well if you're interested. Hang in there my friend, you CAN do this. You CAN be sober for your babies and, most importantly, for YOU. It sounds like you're on the right track. You're right there. You're tired of drinking. You've admitted that you have a problem. You might just need a little help to get you through this.