spia

Last night at group we were presented with this question. And I had trouble answering it at first. Actually, it kind of frustrated me.

I have thought about it and finally have come up with an answer. I am holding on to the fact that all the things I planned on, wanted, and expected are NEVER going to happen.

I am honestly holding on to what could have or should have been. And THAT is what I have to let go of. To say that those things did not pan out or because of the unhealthy parts of our relationship some of the things that we both wanted have no chance of coming to fruition.

I can't take back the things that have happened and dwelling on them or holding on to them is NEVER going to fix it. I can not have yesterday back.

However, those are the hurts that I have. My biggest hurts are the WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN.

Also, the next question is how do you let go of those?

My answer is that I can't let go. Because remembering the hurts that have been caused is the thing that makes me angry. And right now anger is what allows me to not be vulnerable. I feel if I allow myself to be vulnerable then I will certainly come crashing down.

I will be more of a mess than I already am.

So what hurts are you holding on to? Then, how do you let go of those hurts so that you can find health? How do you stay healthy without relying on anger to be a crutch?

biminiblue

When I am angry, resentful, disappointed - I am only hurting myself.


It's been said that anger is like swallowing poison and hoping the other guy dies.

I don't have to be vulnerable unless I feel safe enough to do so.

CodeJob

Spia, you are in early days. I think understanding that your biggest hurts revolve around 'what could have been' and your fear of revealing your vulnerability it a very wise and perfectly fine place to be.

You don't have to be some levitating Buddha flicking disappointments and emotions to the side right off the bat. Just thinking things thru, writing it down, discussing with a counselor or good friend or pastor is a mighty fine start. Personally I think the poison platitude comes in when you are holding in long term resentments...

For me there are days I don't even know what I am upset about!! Eventually I write it out or talk it out and piece it together...

oldsoul1122

I think your answer is in your quote. Are you angry because you let yourself down?

Thumper

We had a dream together that we'd create this sweet family and I would stay home and raise children and take care of him and a home. All my life all I've wanted is to be a mom and take care of a family. We planned and dreamed about it endlessly, for years. All our plans and future tripping swirled around this dream and it was a major hook for me. I was such an idiot because nothing about what he actually did ever moved us any closer to that but it was all the right words. That is one particular dream that I can not make happen without him and there isn't really any in-between. I will never ever get it. It is over. No chance. All these years later, not at a good place with that. I wouldn't say I'm angry. I think he actually wanted it too but he just couldn't make it happen. Bitter? I'm not sure. My kids have so many things going on now, it isn't just about me being cheated it is about them being cheated because they are not getting what they deserve. I can't be home enough. I don't know how I'll ever make peace with this. I hate that I haven't been able to let it go. It drags me down. I have to find a way to give that dream up.

coolchick

I’m sorry you are feeling such pain. And I do understand. My husband is 6 years sober and I am just now beginning to get past the worst of my anger – at him, at me, at the world.

My life is much different than I had imagined and I wanted to blame him -and myself too for putting up with him for so long – for how it turned out.

Once his brain had mostly returned he just wanted to focus on the fact he didn’t drink anymore and I couldn’t get over all of the awful things he had done while he was still drinking. I wanted him to feel bad. I wanted him to hurt like I hurt. I wanted him to acknowledge all of the pain he had put me through. He went to rehab and a year of follow up and goes to AA meetings but never had a sponsor or really worked a program. And that made me angry too. Even though he was no longer drinking.

And so my focus was out there – on him still – and still giving him power over how I felt every day.

It has taken a lot of therapy and reading SR postings all the time and journaling and screaming and tears to come to some sort of peace with the past.

What it takes is what seems impossible – stop resisting your disappointment and anger. Acknowledge it and feel it and then let it go. Granted, it sure doesn’t go very far at first but even a little tiny space helps you to breathe and see the good things.

I am still angry – only not so often. When I can actually make myself do all the things I’ve learned – meditate, deep breathing, gratitude lists, spending time with people who I love and who make me happy – I can begin to understand that I need to concentrate on the future and make that as good as I can make it – me - and not depend on what anyone else does. At first this made me angry and sad too but now I kind of like the idea. And I am hoping that the future I can create is even better than the one I always had imagined.

spia

Same lost dream. I would have been happy being wife and mom. Now, I'm so lost and wondering where to start.

AnvilheadII

when things have not gone my way - the way I thought, planned, dreamed - I found out later it's because the Universe had something else better in store. I've been thru some serious disappointments, loss of dreams, less than stellar parenting, addiction...all that stuff that seems like barricades and obstacles.......all that stuff brought me to a wonderful place I could never have imagined.

my dreams were too limited.
the Universe knew better.

SeriousKarma

What hurt am I still holding on to?

That he didn't value my love.

I talk a good game about forgiveness, but this is the one that still creeps in and knocks my legs out from under me. I'm working on it though. Day by day. I'm trying to understand that it's not for me to say what he valued and what he didn't. I'm not him. When one give someone a gift they shouldn't harass them, and badger them, and demand that they appreciate it. I gave him the gift of my love. Maybe he valued my love as best he could. I'm trying to be content with that.

Hammer

All the lies and the backstabbing.

Did not even have that much idea of How Much until all the court stuff started up.

While I was doing the Steps Work and stuff myself, I was pretty much "detached" from it, but all this depositions, therapists notes, etc., really have brought it ALL up again, and I am expected to deal with ALL HER LIES letter-by-letter and line-by-line.

Just nutty stuff. Amazing, with lying even to her T, how could she ever expect to "get better?" Whatever that is.

As far as dealing with it . . . I am having to pretty much write a 100 (plus) Lie "Snopes" Dissertation. Glad I did my Steps stuff, first.

ShootingStar1

For me, the farther I get out of the terrible life I was leading, emotionally and verbally abused by my then AH, gaslighted and a Stockholm syndrome sufferer, the more I can let go of those dreams and hopes and plans that were all I had to cling to in that life. They seemed like NEEDs to me. I felt DEPRIVED because I wasn't going to get them. I felt CHEATED. As if they were owed to me just because I wanted them. They were my life raft, my only and illusory access to a life I hoped would be worth living.

Those hopes and dreams were also part of the prison I was living in then. I did not have the where-with-all to create anything better then. All I had was wishes for the future. I couldn't see that. I clung to those illusions.

Now, over two years out, I see life very differently. More and more, day by day, sometimes two steps forward and one step backwards, I believe in myself. I believe in my capacity to take the moment I have and create something healthy and powerful and loving and giving.

I didn't have that will, that channel of power, when I was captive to the chaotic dysfunctional life and subordinate to my abusive alcoholic narcissistic powerful brilliant charismatic husband. All I had were my hope and dreams for the future.

There was a great hole, a void, in my life when I fled my home and husband over two years ago on July 4th. My dreams were shattered even as my home, my stability was wrenched out from under me. I hung on by the skin of my teeth, with the help of SR, my grown children, therapist, and some stalwart friends.

I had no choice but to accept that I was no longer in control of my life. The evidence was everywhere around me. I was living in an apartment with only my little dog as companion, two folding chairs, a folding table, air mattress and picnic basket. You name it, and I didn't have it and couldn't get my AH to give it to me. It got down to essentials pretty d*mn fast.

I would say, "OK God, I don't get it. I get that I am not running this train, but I don't get who is, where we are going, or why I even had this ticket punched. Show me."

When I put on the Train Conductor's hat, things went lousy. I got upset. I felt betrayed, furious, defeated, cheated, stolen from. And that didn't get me anywhere but angry.

When I let go and said, "OK God, I've taken off that hat. It doesn't fit - way too big. Tell me what to do", it was pretty amazing what happened next.

I think Anvilhead has hit the nail on the head, so to speak:

my dreams were too limited.
the Universe knew better.

We only have to hold onto PAST dreams of our future when we don't believe that we - that our HP, our Universe, whatever you want to call that life force, that love, that is bigger than us - can start from this moment and create a new present and future that is much richer than our past dreams.

My immersion in co-dependence and my unarticulated but powerful acceptance of being dominated and abused came because I did not believe in myself deeply enough. Slowly, day by day, I surrendered my free will and my life force; my ability to choose health and fulfilment became weaker and weaker.

When the worsening abuse jettisoned me out of the house - out of the alcoholic dysfunctional abuse, it was because it was bad enough that I either chose life for myself or I chose dwindling away. The life force in me awoke enough to flee, and while I wavered and cried and despaired and raged and ached and felt pain so deep I didn't think I would survive, the essence of me had woken up.

So, for me, the hurts I still hang on to are like burrs on my back from a long walk through a fearsome treacherous wilderness. They aren't worth it.

My "right now" is contented, peaceful and fulfilling with occasional times of loneliness. While I am still scared at times, I am happy just about all the time. Those old dreams turned out to be limits, turned out to be burdens.

There are better paths to take. Believe in yourself.

ShootingStar1

daisy6234

Hurts that I am so angry about how it has affected our family. My husband was never protected from his addicted brothers and how he cannot/chooses to not trust. Life didn't go how we thought. Hurt when he broke his back and what the kids and i went through and he doesn't remember it. (didn't do drugs/alcohol). Hurt his parents still don't acknowledge he has done well in life but drug addicted brother is put above him. Hurts our kids (only grandkids) are not important to them. Hurts we have so many health problems in our kids. Our son is 4 months sober after minimum 4 years addiction. Angry no apologies about the verbal abuse. Our life is nothing what we thought but I don't want to repeat the mistakes of the past family.
This topic is so relevant to my life, I thought it was written about us. I guess I have a lot of work on me to do.

Mags1

All the mistakes I did when drunk and all the things my husband did because he didn't have a sober wife and didn't want a drunk as a wife.

Florence

That while I had to change almost everything about me and about my life to survive, and my XAH goes on without feeling too much pain at all. Everything he needs is taken care of -- gas, car, cigarettes, housing, child support, clothing, food, and entertainment. He's pushing forty, living with his parents, unemployed, and shows no signs of change. I'm jealous of that because I'm always on the verge of financial ruin, and sometimes I want a break from being Supermom, and angry that his enablers continue hastening his slow suicide-by-alcohol unabated.

I'm still very angry at my parents for how they treated me as a teenager when I was raped, and told me it was my fault and that I was a ****, and told everyone around me that they didn't know what happened and why I was struggling at school and at home. It set off a nasty spiral of codependency and enmeshment and resentment that goes both ways still today. Maybe it's just easier to blame them since I don't know who the rapist was.

And I'm still angry with my parents for paying for my sisters' schooling, while letting me twist in the wind -- and telling the rest of my family it was my choice! I'll be paying off this debt for forty or more years. I don't understand it. They had the means. I feel so singled out. And it touches on all my primal fears of being unloved and uncared for and abandoned.

I'm pretty at peace with life now, but part of my process has been realizing that my parents primed me to accept really toxic stuff in my relationships in my childhood, and figuring out what those things were. And the more I look at these things, the more I look at my parents and wonder what the **** they were thinking, especially since they were so invested in appearing perfect, and throwing me under the bus for not adhering to the fantasy. I know how all these family systems work now in theory, but realizing that we were one of those broken family systems and how it's affected me is still haunting.

FireSprite

I still struggle with this a lot myself - mostly the "Should Have Been's" & general derailment of all the plans I had worked years toward achieving. I work through it as best I can at the time & it lies dormant for a while until something new triggers it.

Like - we recently celebrated a big anniversary which is nice BUT I couldn't help the secondary thought/anger/regret over the fact that we were supposed to celebrate it with my 1st trip to Europe........ and how instead we are so financially wrecked that not only is it not a possibility but there are 100 more important problems on top of it.

This is one of those issues where I have to focus on progress not perfection. I do a lot of mini-baby-stepping, a lot of 2 steps fwd/1 step back circles.

Hammer

Nothing urgent, but sometime maybe look into this.

All about the folks where image is everything.

People of the Lie

People of the Lie: The Hope for Healing Human Evil: M. Scott Peck: 9780684848594: Amazon.com: Books

The leading review sums it up pretty well . . . .

====================

By Brad C. **** on March 11, 2006
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase

If you have ever experienced or been frustrated by people who seem to have a hidden agenda then you will enjoy and benefit from this book. The author states (some are paraphrased) and explains the following:

1. The evil hide their motives with lies.

2. Evil people want to appear to be good.

3. When confronted by evil, the wisest and most secure adult will usually experience confusion.

4. Evil seeks to discourage others to think for themselves (fosters dependency).

5. To oppose evil we must have an ongoing dedication to reality at all cost.

I agree that to be mentally healthy we must believe what is true and only what is true. After reading this book you will be better equipped to deal with people who cause strife and confusion. It will also help you identify thought patterns where you are lying to yourself.

Florence

Yep. I've learned, thanks to living with XAH, that if something is REALLY CONFUSING and makes absolutely no sense (and especially when this confusion happens to work in someone's favor), I probably don't have the whole story, or a real story at all.

Realizing that this is how my mom operates too was pretty devastating. I'm still working it all out.

Thumper

Thank you for your post ShootingStart. It was good.

I wish I could 'see' that. I think my future is fine. I'm good with my future. I wish I could let it all go for my present though - just spin things to embrace that sentiment. It is better than what I had. The price I paid to get a better present *reality* was to nail that fantasy into a coffin. I have a lot to be thankful for, and I am. Makes me feel selfish and spoiled to not be able to let this go. It isn't who I want to be.

Thank you for sharing. I'm pretty content too. I'm very lonely and miss intimacy a lot but I think I do an OK job of accepting that this is just not the time in my life for my personal relationships. My life won't always be like this and I can spend time building some personal relationships/goals when life is more accommodating to such things. there is only so much of me to go around, lol.

hopeful4

When I did my step study in Celebrate Recovery I took forever to get to the inventory part. My leaders had to gently push me forward LOL.

My point here is that I FINALLY realized that that hurt and that resentment, of what was, and what could have been, was hurting ME more than anyone else. It was actually changing me into this anxiety ridden mess of a person who I do not want to be. That was affecting my relationship with my children, and I don't want that either. It was all a huge mess.

With the help of SR, Celebrate Recovery and counseling with a counselor who specializes in dealing with addiction and families with addiction, I came out a new and better person. In addition to all of that, it was time. Time to grieve all of these things. Time to realize all of this, to take it in. To get myself stable enough that I knew no matter what would happen, I would be ok, I would make it and so would my children.

It's a day at a time, sometimes just a moment at a time. Feeling things that are hurtful is a scary process, but once you face it and move through it it's much better.

Tight Hugs. We are here for you.

SunshineGypsy

It feels like I'm hanging on to future hurts - things that will inevitibly happen. I've left my alcoholic boyfriend who I have loved like I've never loved anyone else - we did have a lot of beautiful moments -and beautiful intimate times together ...I know that despite all his behaviors while drunk and the fact that I HAD to leave, it HURTS to know that he will replace me. {It's killing me that he's even already put an ad on Craigslist for a roommate...he was walking around taking photos of the house and posting the ad while I was there packing...I think he was trying to get to me.} But the thought of him being with anyone else is truly devasting, whether he just has flings or another serious relationship. He's a good looking guy and has never had any trouble in the past getting together with women. I know it will happen and it hurts me already. Not sure how to deal with these emotions, but that's what I'm holding on to right now. I tell myself, "Well, whoever's next - poor girl...she's in for the same ride I just got off of." But I just can't stand the thought of him falling in love or being with someone else...maybe I fear that he'll love someone else more than he loved me and that girl might be the one to inspire him to want to change, which would leave me feeling like he didn't love me enough to change while we were together, or that maybe it was me that made him want to drink like he did. ALL of that is irrational, crazy, wrong thinking, but those are the dark places my mind goes when I think about this particular future hurt. Life goes on, I'm moving on, and he will, too.

The thing is, I know that is one thing that he's extremely concerned about regarding our breakup. He told me that if he stays sober for years and then looks me up in hopes of rekindling our relationship, he knows I'll be with someone else. He said, "You won't stay single for long." It is twisted, but I find a little comfort knowing that we are at least sharing the same agony.