I Messed Up
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 465
I Messed Up
I drank
I think I mostly did it as an experiment, and my therapist agrees. I think a larger part of my reason for doing it is rebellion. I felt that a right, a choice, had been taken away from me and I HATED it. I felt that not being able to drink was something that had been put upon me, not something that I was choosing for myself (though in reality, it was)!
I've talked to my boyfriend about it and we've discussed a different way of approaching MY choice not to drink. I feel it's detrimental to "forbid" me from drinking; it makes me want to all the more. I don't need another father figure (I've got two!) and he gets that.
Just wanted to come on here and get some accountability.
I think I mostly did it as an experiment, and my therapist agrees. I think a larger part of my reason for doing it is rebellion. I felt that a right, a choice, had been taken away from me and I HATED it. I felt that not being able to drink was something that had been put upon me, not something that I was choosing for myself (though in reality, it was)!
I've talked to my boyfriend about it and we've discussed a different way of approaching MY choice not to drink. I feel it's detrimental to "forbid" me from drinking; it makes me want to all the more. I don't need another father figure (I've got two!) and he gets that.
Just wanted to come on here and get some accountability.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
i done experiments to prove im not alcoholic
that alone is proof i was
btw i failed every time except once but i had to be on such a guard it was weird
there are no breaks on my train if i have 1 i will have another till im vomiting blood il only stop because my body cant take it
that is my alcoholism i can sugar coat it but there is no way i can drink safely
14 months sober in 5 days and i have no problem with not drinking
im qualified as a floorfitter & plasterer thru sobriety and getting a mining course startedv.soon
life is 5000% better like this im happy
good luck welcome nice to meet you
that alone is proof i was
btw i failed every time except once but i had to be on such a guard it was weird
there are no breaks on my train if i have 1 i will have another till im vomiting blood il only stop because my body cant take it
that is my alcoholism i can sugar coat it but there is no way i can drink safely
14 months sober in 5 days and i have no problem with not drinking
im qualified as a floorfitter & plasterer thru sobriety and getting a mining course startedv.soon
life is 5000% better like this im happy
good luck welcome nice to meet you
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 52
Usually when someone has a problem like yours, the people around them are basically of one of two minds.
One is very negative about the behavior, cares about you and wants you to stop it, both for your own benefit plus the effect it's having on their lives.
The other isn't at all judgmental about what you do. Go ahead and get drunk, ruin your health and they won't interfere. Which is more helpful?
To abuse a substance just because someone who cares tells you not to is like you drinking paint thinner and hoping the other person gets sick.
It is classic self abusive denial and a very common symptom of active addiction.
Please think about what you've written and consider how foolish it is to continue drinking just because someone told you not to.
One is very negative about the behavior, cares about you and wants you to stop it, both for your own benefit plus the effect it's having on their lives.
The other isn't at all judgmental about what you do. Go ahead and get drunk, ruin your health and they won't interfere. Which is more helpful?
To abuse a substance just because someone who cares tells you not to is like you drinking paint thinner and hoping the other person gets sick.
It is classic self abusive denial and a very common symptom of active addiction.
Please think about what you've written and consider how foolish it is to continue drinking just because someone told you not to.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
I think your AV wanted to drink and YOU didn't.
Leaning to differentiate it from me was what made the difference and still does often. The AV will be with me forever, it's a matter of ignoring it and doing what I want, never drink again.
Leaning to differentiate it from me was what made the difference and still does often. The AV will be with me forever, it's a matter of ignoring it and doing what I want, never drink again.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 2,872
I drank. Over and over again to prove I wasn't alcoholic.
I, like you, did it out of rebellion a few times. How dare choice and free will be taken from me!
But it was. Not by a person, but by alcohol. Alcohol stole my free will and choice. I could no longer control my drinking at the end. All was lost I was a slave to alcohol.
There was no choice about it. I got to the low that I had to drink and I had no control over it.
All that choice and free will had been taken from me. I was a drunkard.
I drank over the old 'you did me wrong, so I'll get back at you. I'll get drunk' thing many times.
I lived that way for twenty years. And believe me, drinking doesn't solve anything.
I wish you the best. I understand where you're coming from.
I, like you, did it out of rebellion a few times. How dare choice and free will be taken from me!
But it was. Not by a person, but by alcohol. Alcohol stole my free will and choice. I could no longer control my drinking at the end. All was lost I was a slave to alcohol.
There was no choice about it. I got to the low that I had to drink and I had no control over it.
All that choice and free will had been taken from me. I was a drunkard.
I drank over the old 'you did me wrong, so I'll get back at you. I'll get drunk' thing many times.
I lived that way for twenty years. And believe me, drinking doesn't solve anything.
I wish you the best. I understand where you're coming from.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 12,000
In my past, when my significant other told me not to drink, it was a signal for me to drink. The only way I was able to stop drinking was when I made the decision myself.
I think it was the, "Oh yeah? I'll show you" mentality. Sad but true.
I think it was the, "Oh yeah? I'll show you" mentality. Sad but true.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,869
Please read what you posted... Active addiction. I was there too. Yep, It has to be your choice and your decision and I find that the language we use it's extremely important. We shouldn't see it as a chore as something negative but as a choice and empowerment. I find that that was key to my sobriety, understanding that it's not that I can't drink, because I can, but that I don't want to drink. I never again want to deal with what comes with it. It's simply not worth it. I hope that now you're ready. Let's do this together! I'm glad you posted. I admire you for wanting to be held accountable.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Ga
Posts: 1,511
Originally Posted by Alphabet 
I drank
I think I mostly did it as an experiment, and my therapist agrees. I think a larger part of my reason for doing it is rebellion. I felt that a right, a choice, had been taken away from me and I HATED it. I felt that not being able to drink was something that had been put upon me, not something that I was choosing for myself (though in reality, it was)!
I've talked to my boyfriend about it and we've discussed a different way of approaching MY choice not to drink. I feel it's detrimental to "forbid" me from drinking; it makes me want to all the more. I don't need another father figure (I've got two!) and he gets that.
Just wanted to come on here and get some accountability.
I think I mostly did it as an experiment, and my therapist agrees. I think a larger part of my reason for doing it is rebellion. I felt that a right, a choice, had been taken away from me and I HATED it. I felt that not being able to drink was something that had been put upon me, not something that I was choosing for myself (though in reality, it was)!
I've talked to my boyfriend about it and we've discussed a different way of approaching MY choice not to drink. I feel it's detrimental to "forbid" me from drinking; it makes me want to all the more. I don't need another father figure (I've got two!) and he gets that.
Just wanted to come on here and get some accountability.
This is exactly where I was last year. I willing went to a counselor and his answer was complete abstinence. That made me feel like I was being treated like a child or something. Or my husband (trying to help made me feel bad about my drinking) this made me drink more... No one was going to tell me how to live my life. A small part of me feels like that but it is now MY choice to stop... The hangovers, the toll of my health, the broken relationships are not worth it anymore.
It so much easier when it's your decision. If your doing it for yourself and your well being. That's a powerfull feeling. It's one of the hardest things I will go through in life but I have never felt better or felt more "in charge" if that makes sense.
Wishing you well
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
For me a very central aspect to my sobriety is the difference between I "can't" drink and I "don't" drink. I own my decision. I feel that it is this ownership that makes my sobriety very precious to me. I am protective of it as I have fostered it since inception. My sobriety has more value to me than to anyone else.
I think ownership is one of the most important parts of sobriety.
I think ownership is one of the most important parts of sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 167
I think in all reality I am stuck at can't drink. Can't drink because I will fight with my wife. Can't drink because I will spend money I don't have. Can't drink because I will feel sick in the morning. Can't drink because I might some day hurt someone. Most importantly, I can't drink because it will kill me. I choose to live and I am working really hard to get to "I don't drink".
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Welcome back.
What will you do the next time a reasonable excuse to experiment appears?
The addict living in my head has thousands of them. I had to make a plan to deal with them. Have you got a plan?
What will you do the next time a reasonable excuse to experiment appears?
The addict living in my head has thousands of them. I had to make a plan to deal with them. Have you got a plan?
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Washington, MO
Posts: 2,306
Folks with an allergy to say....peanuts don't crave peanuts or eat them to see what will happen (ok, maybe ONCE)--they just avoid them at all cost (death). I'm allergic to alcohol but that being said I had to experiment over and over to get it. I would like to see others with the same allergy not waste as many years as I experimenting...that's all.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by Thepatman
I think your AV wanted to drink and YOU didn't.
Leaning to differentiate it from me was what made the difference and still does often. The AV will be with me forever, it's a matter of ignoring it and doing what I want, never drink again.
Leaning to differentiate it from me was what made the difference and still does often. The AV will be with me forever, it's a matter of ignoring it and doing what I want, never drink again.
I also believe that in situations like these.... it's not US that really want it. It's a part of our brain. It's a small piece of our consciousness crying out for what it yearns for.
We need to retrain ourselves to respond to that part of our brain. WE really are in charge.
Every millisecond up to that first drink, we still have choice. Once we CHOOSE to drink... all bets are off and it might be one or it might be a thousand. But up until then.... WE can still make another choice.
What will you learn from this experience?
How will you arm yourself to better support the choice not to cave in to that addicted, weak and yearning part of your brain?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 465
Thanks to every single one of you for your responses and especially those of you have directly related with experience. It's an asinine concept, isn't it!?
I'm glad to be back on the wagon. I can't handle school AND a drinking problem. I can't handle a drinking problem at all, who am I kidding?
I'm so thankful that my partner understands where I'm coming from with this. I was heartbroken when I had to miss a concert my friend from the other side if the country played last night because it was at a bar.
That crushed me. But the language my partner user in talking about that really helped. It wasn't that "I couldn't" or "I wasn't allowed". I "chose not to". The end. I'm still upset I couldn't see my friend, but I'm glad it was at least on my terms.
I'm glad to be back on the wagon. I can't handle school AND a drinking problem. I can't handle a drinking problem at all, who am I kidding?
I'm so thankful that my partner understands where I'm coming from with this. I was heartbroken when I had to miss a concert my friend from the other side if the country played last night because it was at a bar.
That crushed me. But the language my partner user in talking about that really helped. It wasn't that "I couldn't" or "I wasn't allowed". I "chose not to". The end. I'm still upset I couldn't see my friend, but I'm glad it was at least on my terms.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Hi Alphabet - welcome back
I've been in your shoes many times. You can call it an experiment or rebellion, but the bottom line is I think, like me back then, you still want to drink...you want to drink and not have the bad stuff happen.
I had to accept that the bad stuff came as part of the package.
I could drink...or I could be the person I wanted to be, living the life I wanted to live.
When you pare things back to that, the choice (and you're right that's exactly what it is) seems a lot simpler?
And don;t worry - the more you live sober and come to love what it brings you, the less you'll have that desire to drink.
It's a bit of a rocky road getting there but that's what we;re here for. Support and ideas.
so...what's next?
D
I've been in your shoes many times. You can call it an experiment or rebellion, but the bottom line is I think, like me back then, you still want to drink...you want to drink and not have the bad stuff happen.
I had to accept that the bad stuff came as part of the package.
I could drink...or I could be the person I wanted to be, living the life I wanted to live.
When you pare things back to that, the choice (and you're right that's exactly what it is) seems a lot simpler?
And don;t worry - the more you live sober and come to love what it brings you, the less you'll have that desire to drink.
It's a bit of a rocky road getting there but that's what we;re here for. Support and ideas.
so...what's next?
D
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Originally Posted by ghostdad
I think in all reality I am stuck at can't drink. Can't drink because I will fight with my wife. Can't drink because I will spend money I don't have. Can't drink because I will feel sick in the morning. Can't drink because I might some day hurt someone. Most importantly, I can't drink because it will kill me. I choose to live and I am working really hard to get to "I don't drink".
Alphabet, I certainly understand feeling "triggered" when someone tries to "be in charge" of your sobriety..or you for that matter, but sobriety is in fact YOUR choice (I think right?). I get a little ticked when folks feel anywhere near responsible for my CHOICE not to drink. They are not! I am. That's is my business and my right..to CHOOSE. I choose sobriety. I do.
If you learned something about yourself or your addiction or how to prevent something like this happening again...well, all was not lost.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Calif
Posts: 757
i pretty much did the same experiment
i thought i could beat it, but i did it rebel against the idea of it all, but at the same time i did it knowing i was making a big mistake. at the time i guess it felt good, but next day i hated myself. so i am back like you are.
we can do this
i thought i could beat it, but i did it rebel against the idea of it all, but at the same time i did it knowing i was making a big mistake. at the time i guess it felt good, but next day i hated myself. so i am back like you are.
we can do this
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 465
Nuudawn, yet again you hit the nail on the head
I've found it extremely difficult to deal with OTHER peoples reactions to my sobriety. My sobriety is mine and mine alone. Does it effect others? Absolutely! But that doesn't give anyone the right to dictate it at all.
I've re-discovered that drinking... kinda sucks! It did nothing for me. I didn't feel great, I felt sick, I got into a fight with my man. I spent $24 to feel like garbage and fight! How does that make sense?
I've found it extremely difficult to deal with OTHER peoples reactions to my sobriety. My sobriety is mine and mine alone. Does it effect others? Absolutely! But that doesn't give anyone the right to dictate it at all.
I've re-discovered that drinking... kinda sucks! It did nothing for me. I didn't feel great, I felt sick, I got into a fight with my man. I spent $24 to feel like garbage and fight! How does that make sense?
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