Will198

I actually joined this site some time ago (forgot my email password). I lasted 2 weeks sober and suddenly decided I was cured. I started drinking again but only the odd night at the weekend. This escalated to both weekend nights, then one night during the week.

Recently I've been back to a minimum of a half bottle of whiskey (at least) every night. Hiding bottles you name it.

This weekend though is officially my rock bottom! Went to an engagement party with my Girlfriend (I downed a half bottle before we went out). I then drank shots, vodka, beers basically anything that was going. I was absolutely wrecked and after failing to get into a club (too drunk) went home. My girlfriend had stayed out and next thing I remember is her shouting at me claiming I locked her out.

I then remember wrestling with her on the couch. Her Dad showed up (she phoned him) and she accused me of attacking her. I have never hit my Girlfriend before however she has on occasion hit me (she has a bad temper).

I left the next morning and went to my sisters and proceeded to continue drinking. I then continued drinking all through Sunday and woke Monday morning shaking. I had an interview at the University at 10:30 am and somehow managed to get the strength to get dressed and go. I told the interviewers that I had been unwell the previous day with food poisoning and was nervous and somehow managed to make it through the interview (this is a course that I've failed to complete twice due to heavy drinking). Amazingly I have been accepted on the course.

I phoned my girlfriend to tell her and attempt to reconcile and also to see my daughter. She refused to see me and told me to stay away. I eventually met her today and she has bruises all over her back and leg (I have a fat lip and bruised leg). I feel so ashamed I have never been violent towards her and normally I'm on the receiving end. She says I attacked her this time and as I was so drunk I can neither confirm or deny this. Either way my behavior was unacceptable and her family now consider me a wife beater.

I feel completely ashamed. I did not drink yesterday and will not drink today but I feel so low. What kind of person have I became? A woman beater! I was also unfaithful once due to my drinking so I can add that to the list. Actually hate myself right now and feel completely worthless. I used to consider myself a good person but sitting here thinking about not just the things listed above but all the things I've done I am definitely not. I feel like getting in my car and just disappearing.

thisibelieve

This sounds like a real turning point for you. I don't have all the answers, not even close, but just offering my support....

I read once that "If you want self esteem, you have to do esteemable things." It a stronger person to own up and to participate and deal with your issues than to just get in your car and drive away.

This is a great place to get that support, all the best.

jryan19982

Alcohol changes you... I didnt believe it until I saw how I was when I wasnt drinking. If you truly want to stop and prove to your GF that you are a changed person, then I think actually doing it is the best way to prove it. Understand that she might be skeptical at first but show her you are getting help.

Maybe go to a meeting or go see a counselor. Good luck.

anattaboy

Dis-appearing is what I thought I was doing when I drank but we know better. Time will help but quitting drinking is what we are all about here. If it's what you are all about then this is a great start. Stick around, read everything, eat what you can and maybe get some vitamins. You can do this!

Soberwolf

you got to leave her as for daughter

stay sober give it time she and her family are not going to listen and rightly so for now

to stand any chance of this situation getting better you must stay sober

do not further drink on this it will only get worse

hang in there it has happened learn from it

all the best nice to meet you

firstymer

Each time you get the urge to drink again, Will, re-read your post.

You can climb out of this hole that you have dug for yourself. You really can. Many of us have. But you first need to stop digging...

Good luck. I am glad you are here with us.

MIRecovery

Welcome

The insanity can be stopped if are willing to do what is necessary to stop it. If not it will only get worse.

Alcohol made do many things I am ashamed of but once I quit the healing started

Hobbers

Wow- tough spot, Will. But... frankly one that many, many folks on here can probably relate to. You have a (real) problem, but a FIXABLE/treatable, and resolvable problem. You need to stop drinking, now, first and foremost. Nothing is going to improve (both for yourself and for others) until that happens.

So... don't drink right now. Then... stay 'not drinking' for the rest of the day. When you wake up tomorrow, READ YOUR POST ABOVE, rinse, and repeat.

It can be scary, hard, daunting, and feel hopeless if you try to make it harder than that. For now though, if you keep it as simple as the single line I said above, it can be a LOT easier, especially at this stage. Don't drink right now, and don't drink today/tonight. Wake up, and repeat this.

Then, see a counselor or a therapist, and try to get to a meeting/bunch of meetings. You have some fences to mend, but you won't be able to mend anything if you are drunk (and you wouldn't remember them if you did anyway...).

Good luck, and we are here for ya.



(and don't turn into Ray Rice.....)

Jupiters

hey will
welcome back
I'd say (and it's unfortunate for all parties involved) that THIS is the proverbial fork in the road for you brother. You have 2 choices. Keep drinking or stop.
The fact that you don't even recall getting physical is frightening....do you think this is something she would make up? If not, you need to face this head on and it isn't going to be easy now that family is involved.
Domestic violence is not OK. If you did indeed do this, I really hope this will be the turning point for you to get help.
It took my 2nd DUI to finally face the fact I cannot drink. I got out of that AOK as did others on the road. THANK GOD.
stick around here - loads of support.

Soberwolf

im not being harsh or nasty please understand its a bad situation with violence im not trying to make you feel worse but how would you feel if that was your daughter ?

its alot to accept im not being harsh im just saying if theres violence you cant predict there wont be again
thats why im saying give it time

let this be it we are all here for each other

good luck in staying sober

have you got a plan ?

Anna

Will, welcome back!

Having grown up in a violent home, I have zero tolerance for any kind of violence. It doesn't matter to me who starts it. It's simply unacceptable.

You can change if you decide to stop drinking and to fix things in your life. I hope that you continue to read and post.

PurpleKnight

Welcome back!!

I used to think I was "cured" after a period of abstinence for a long time, round and round in circles I went until the penny finally dropped, how could it? that 1st drink would always lead to the same place!!

I had to accept that myself and alcohol had to part ways on a permanent basis, and it sounds like alcohol is doing you no favours either!!

You can turn this around, write a new chapter to your life!!

Alynn

Sounds like you have reached a point where the only way to go is up. Unless you want this madness to continue? It will continue thats a promise. Alchohol is liar. I've been there. I rejected good advice from a counselor I saw last year. Thought I could handle it. Next thing I know I was in jail with a bunch of legal problems. Please let this be your turning point. We are all here for you in the same boat you are in. Give it time with your gf..... Hang in there and stay strong. You can change this!

Nowsthetime

I agree with all the previous posters and I would like to add that it's not okay for her to put her hands on you either. Alcohol always makes every situation worse so hopefully this will be a turning point for you to realize that you need to quit drinking for yourself. It's in the past now and what happened happened so you can only move forward and make sure that it never happens again. You will always find support here. Remember: it's not okay for her to hit you either.

Will198

I'd like to say thanks to all of you who read my post and replied. I wanted to say thanks sooner but my girlfriend let me spend the evening with my daughter and put her to bed so I didn't get the chance to respond to all the messages of support.

I completely agree with the posts about violence being unacceptable and I abhor violence. This is why I feel so lost. I titled my post feeling ashamed, and while I do feel ashamed I think my overwhelming feeling is fear. I'm scared that I could be so out of control and scared that I don't know who I am or what I'm capable of.

My girlfriend was acting normal last night and I think she may want me back but I'm not sure it's a good idea right now. All I want to do is spend time with my daughter, read and try and sleep.

I know people will read my story and think 'he's using the I don't remember card' but I honestly can't, I promise you I've tried.

I discussed what happened with my girlfriend today and she said that when I finally answered the door it was as though I didn't know who she was or was even awake properly. I apparently kept saying "who the F*%$K are you" and "what the f%^&k do you want" before attacking her.

I've not slept well the last two nights I don't know if it's because my mind is racing or because of alcohol withdrawal, probably a bit of both. I'm getting really itchy at night especially my hands and feet and I wake every few hours drenched in sweat, so much so I have to get a towel to dry myself.

I actually haven't felt like drinking, the thought is there in the back of my mind and I know it will get worst but I know I won't drink tonight and that's all I'm focusing on. I've read a lot on here about taking one day at a time and that's what I'm focusing on. Today is my day three.

anattaboy

Excellent! 72 hrs. and yer still with us!

JasonNorth

Well done Will for getting back in control.

Make sure you drink loads of water for your system to recover, plus if you're sweating at night. 2 litres a day.

NorMar

You are really quite lucky. The police didn't get involved, you made it through your interview, you didn't injure yourself or anyone else bad enough to seek medical help, just a few bruises that will heal. You made it through your binge pretty much unscathed, except for your girlfriends parents opinion of you . And you can change that by getting and staying sober. You can't drink like you describe and expect such a "good" ending every time. You WILL hurt yourself, someone else, end up in jail, the possibilities are endless.

You have Plenty of time to turn this around. You learned a valuable about drinking "just a little".....You WANT to turn it around, that is what is important. Post here often, support is here for for you. Your next few days are going to be rough, but someone will be here. Be strong.

Soberwolf

your not using a card its called a blackout where things happen and i literally do not remeber

glad you got to see your daughter

the sweating thing is normal bit scary but it calms down

i really relate to a lot of your withdrawl

ive had terrible blackouts think of it like the real life bruce banner/hulk

no joking i have woken up to mayhem many a time in my days of drinking

its gets better

one thing i didnt say is how honest your being about this i commend honesty !!

Anna

You can use these feelings as an opportunity for change.