Newbie/Very stressed

Old 07-22-2004, 11:44 AM
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Newbie/Very stressed

I needed somewhere to vent. I know I can go to Al Anon but its become difficult getting to meetings with 3 kids and a pile of chaos. I've been married for almost 9 years and this week I am emotionally bankrupt, loving my alcoholic has been one painful journey.

4 months ago, my husband & I had a big blow out, he drank, came home mean and aggressive, disrespected me in front of our kids and I decided it was time to make some changes. I found a cheaper place to rent, split the bills up, packed his things and calmly told him, enough is enough. The calmer I was the angrier he became. I know I can't cure, I didn't cause and I can't control it. Just as I was about to move, my husband did the pleading, begging, the I can't live without you and the kids, I will do WHATEVER it takes blah blah blah.

I know its a disease, I know there is help, and I know people are successful, however, in my relationship, success isn't a word I would even begin to use. My husband has been to intensive outpatient programs in the past, went to counseling, we went to marraige counseling and finally he actually got real and was honest about his sneaky drinking. So when he begged, I caved like a weakling. My instincts said NO, my heart said YES! That was almost 4 months ago.

Last week bills, kids, work, family, got to me and I ended up with shingles on my arm UNINTENTIONALLY. I mean who would actually sign up to get something as painful as shingles. MY husband had 112 days of sobriety, I know this because he screamed it to me over and over and over. What excuse did he use to drink this time? My shingles. I had a mini nervous breakdown on Monday and was crying to him, sharing how I had been feeling and he basically said it was my own fault I had shingles and I deserved them for stressing so much then he told me he wanted a drink while I was having a breakdown WHICH IS VERY RARE!! SO he screamed, yelled, carried on and finally left the house and drank, coming home to blame me, saying if your going to stress, I'm going to drink. I said are you planning to continue to drink, his answer was, "are you going to continue to stress".

I have tried to share with him that I feel very weary and insecure regarding our relationship because the smallest things send him over the "edge". The bottle comes first. I rarely need his shoulder and when I do he drinks over it? GIVE ME A BREAK. SO I'm trying to be strong and not get more stressed but I cannot trust him while he is actively drinking. He never came home after work yesterday, leaving the kids to fend for themselves so I had to leave work. He came home like a smart a** and got his golf clubs all cocky and said he was going to the golf course.

In the meantime, I have kids all upset because he will carry on in front of them making big scenes, pointing fingers because he feels guilty. I think he wants the freedom to drink and not have the responsibilities. I wrote him a letter, because he won't listen to a word I say, and told him its time for us to go our separate ways and that I wanted him to leave. He said he would be back to pack his things so I left, crying, hysterical, sad, full of heartache, and I get home and he is happily sleeping in our bed. Its much easier for him to leave, he doesn't have 3 kids and all their things to carry around on his back. I'm so frustrated.

I need to be strong and really end it. I'm not going to go to al anon for a year and then make a decision, I have already done that. My husband is the most loving, sweet guy when he is happily sober, but then there are the "dry drunk" times when he is angry he isn't drinking and then this, the drinking times, when he is mean, disrespectful and it makes me hate the person that he is, makes me hate the disease. Makes me regret being weak. His relapses used to be a year or year and a 1/2 apart. We are down to every 3-4 months now. Every holiday week, he drinks, it doesn't matter if things are perfect, money is in the bank etc. The disease has taken over and he isn't doing anything about it. I want this to be peaceful for my kids but he acts like a 46 year old crazy person when he is drinking. I hate him right now. I hate how I feel, and how last night every time I tried to close my eyes, my heart ached and everytime I opened them, tears ran down my face. \

I know what I need to do, but my strength levels are down. I only slept 2 hours last night. I was worrying about how me and the kids will make it financially. I have my al anon books at work with me. I read my courage to change everyday. I have worked on my character defects, I have changed my negative behavior. NO I am not in tip top perfect shape, but sometimes I feel cheated because if we both worked on ourselves and continued in recovery together we wouldn't be here. But the more I change the more he finds something new wrong with us, only when he is drinking of course the rest of the time, its I love you, blah blah blah.

Years ago, I never even knew how crazy and sick I was. Not until I went to al anon. That was the biggest, rudest, awakening of my life. I have changed so much, I feel it, I see it, I am happy about it. I wish I could "fix" him. I thought working on me would help, but obviously, it has helped me but not our relationship. This week I am just having a hard time making it through. I am tired, shocked, and I feel like we failed, I feel like crying. But I can't cry at work, so I have to hold it in all day, and then when I am on my way home, I am one big tear. Its so sad to have to make these big final decisions. Its not for lack of love, we love each other. Love just isn't enough to stay together sometimes.

Once he realizes I am serious, he is going to say the meanest cruelest things and then he will refuse to leave. Then he will beg to stay. I don't want things to get messy, I need some peace. He has family he can stay with. I left him another note this morning letting him know what my plans are. I'm barely making it through this day. Forever isn't real, and for better for worse marraige vows are a joke. What I should have said in my vows was "i'll be there for you, but you don't have to be there for me". That is how I feel.
m
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Old 07-22-2004, 12:09 PM
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Hey dyeman,
It sounds like it's time to start taking care of you. You're dealing with rough stuff and that takes it's toll on you physically and emotionally. Emotional bankruptcy means you need to start making some deposits.
I'm sorry that your having such a hard time with all this.
Big hugs,
Gabe
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Old 07-22-2004, 12:24 PM
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Dyeman -
I'm sorry that you're going through such a hard time but am really glad that you have your program to help you through.

As we know, they'll blame anything, say anything and do anything to make it OK for them to drink. Considering other's emotional and physical needs is not my AH's strong suit. Doesn't sound like it's your's either.

My AH will try mean. If that doesn't work, he tries pitiful. It's so predictable.

I'm glad you're here. Keep posting, reading and venting. Everyone here understands.
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Old 07-22-2004, 12:33 PM
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dyeman

So sorry for your hurt and pain. I know how you feel. I have this awful feeling that eventually my AH and I will have to part ways because he just won't stick with anything (except drinking) for any length of time to give it a chance.

We've been married going on 14 years and you hate to chalk it all up but if this is the way life will be for 20, 30 who knows how many years is it worth it?

I would anticipate mine to be just as bad with all the nasty, hateful things being said.

I'll be thinking about you and praying for you. cwohio
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Old 07-22-2004, 12:54 PM
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(((dyeman)))
You need a hug! It sucks to be growing and someone is trying to pull you back to their level. I have a dear friend from Al-Anon that can't get to meetings because of her babies. I call her a lot and we have a meeting. If you have any contacts in Al-Anon, now is the time to use them. When I first started, I would be stressing out, and call my sponsor. I would get calm and feel better, then an hour later, I would be stressing again. It does get better. We do get stronger. We do start loving ourself enough to stop letting people suffocate us.
You come here and vent any time. Some times are just harder than others. Hugs, Magic
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Old 07-22-2004, 02:02 PM
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Hello dyeman,
It is always a emotional drain on us loving our alcoholics. Just continue to READ and take care of yourself so that you can be strong for your kids. It is extremely hard.....we all know. I am so glad that you found this board. This place gives me strength to heal and keep going when I am feeling low and frustrated.Venting helps so much.So vent to your hearts desire! We are all here together to get better!

Hugs and prayers,
matters
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Old 07-22-2004, 04:43 PM
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Dyeman -

First of all, you didn't give yourself shingles! It is a virus that lives on after you have chickenpox. It lies dormant for years and it can pop up in anyone - stressed or not. It is horribly painful and definitely not what you need right now.

What you do need is to take a very deep breath. You must be at the point where even breathing is tough to do. Go take a walk. Get away from him for a while. Go for a drive. Give yourself some down time so that you can start to think more clearly. Try and take one problem at a time. Baby steps. I have been where you are and know how I felt. It really helps to untangle the knots but you can only do one at time. Pick one knot and work on that first.

Listening to you takes me back to those same exact feelings. I ended up leaving my husband 3 months ago and I feel so much better. I didn't have young children to worry about and I know that makes everything harder. I wish that I had some magic words for you but hope that knowing that someone else cares will help. At this point just take it an hour at a time, a day at a time and try to work on giving yourself some peace and quiet.

Big hugs,

Jo
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