She emailed
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 113
She emailed
I hadn't heard from her in 2 weeks and she just emailed me about an hour and a half ago. Says if I want my stuff just say when and how. She's tired of feeling like a total B in this situation and she has so many opinions and advice coming her way she doesn't know what to do anymore. Thinks of me all the time and wishes we could talk.
Anyway, I don't know if I want to respond. Part of me wants to talk to her and see how it's going but I have been feeling a little lonely lately so it could be that talking as well. Our one year anniversary is coming up on the 18th, which she also mentioned, so there is a lot going through my head. If I did start talking to her again I don't even know what I would say or where to begin. Just typing all of this makes me realize what a mess I am right now. I hate when she says she feels like a bad person because it makes me want to comfort her and assure her she's not, but that never worked in the past so why would it now. I hadn't heard from her in so long I thought maybe she was somewhere getting help, why I even thought that I don't know. Ok enough rambling, thanks for reading.
Anyway, I don't know if I want to respond. Part of me wants to talk to her and see how it's going but I have been feeling a little lonely lately so it could be that talking as well. Our one year anniversary is coming up on the 18th, which she also mentioned, so there is a lot going through my head. If I did start talking to her again I don't even know what I would say or where to begin. Just typing all of this makes me realize what a mess I am right now. I hate when she says she feels like a bad person because it makes me want to comfort her and assure her she's not, but that never worked in the past so why would it now. I hadn't heard from her in so long I thought maybe she was somewhere getting help, why I even thought that I don't know. Ok enough rambling, thanks for reading.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Hockeyerik......I read somewhere....I think it was here on SR....."Resist making the alcoholic comfortable when they are suffering from the consequences of their drinking. That pain drives the train...when it comes to reaching for recovery. Making them more comfortable in their drinking just enables them to drink longer".
This has helped me so much. It is hard to see your own child suffer...but, it has saved me from the "guilt" from not reaching out and enabling.
Maybe, this will help you, also....when the desire to reach out and comfort gets to you.....
dandylion
This has helped me so much. It is hard to see your own child suffer...but, it has saved me from the "guilt" from not reaching out and enabling.
Maybe, this will help you, also....when the desire to reach out and comfort gets to you.....
dandylion
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 113
Thanks guys. No I don't need my stuff back, that was just how she opened the email. She says she just wants to talk and acknowledged the fact that I don't want to work on our relationship. I don't know, I think I can handle a conversation with her as I have gotten better with boundaries and am enjoying life on this side of things. One day at a time I have to keep reminding myself. These emails just trigger me into future tripping and I start trying to figure out all the scenarios. Thanks.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Hockeyerik......as you contemplate all the scenarios while you are future tripping.....
Please consider this fact....No relationship has a level playing field as long as alcoholism is an active part of it. She would have a long way to go--time and energy wise to gain a solid sobriety.
If that WERE to happen....she would not be the same person that you met. You would not be the same person that she met. You both would be forever changed in significant ways.....so the past cannot be replicated.
Who knows how the world would look through those different filters. Recovery DOES change how one views the world. It does.
Just something for you to consider......
dandylion
Please consider this fact....No relationship has a level playing field as long as alcoholism is an active part of it. She would have a long way to go--time and energy wise to gain a solid sobriety.
If that WERE to happen....she would not be the same person that you met. You would not be the same person that she met. You both would be forever changed in significant ways.....so the past cannot be replicated.
Who knows how the world would look through those different filters. Recovery DOES change how one views the world. It does.
Just something for you to consider......
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 113
Thanks Dandylion,
I understand what you are saying. I know the world would look very different through recovery, I know if she is even sober it has been maybe 3 weeks of sobriety. That is not enough time for things to really be different. She I guess wants to explain all she has been doing, I guess I could listen. I just have the feeling based on past experience that it will go down the road of "so when are you coming home". I obviously am no where near the point of going back there so I guess what I am fearful of is having to have a tough conversation and what her reaction may be if she doesn't get her way. Who knows though, it may not go that way. Thanks.
I understand what you are saying. I know the world would look very different through recovery, I know if she is even sober it has been maybe 3 weeks of sobriety. That is not enough time for things to really be different. She I guess wants to explain all she has been doing, I guess I could listen. I just have the feeling based on past experience that it will go down the road of "so when are you coming home". I obviously am no where near the point of going back there so I guess what I am fearful of is having to have a tough conversation and what her reaction may be if she doesn't get her way. Who knows though, it may not go that way. Thanks.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Well Hockeyerik.....I suspect that your "fears" are pretty accurate. There is a saying......"If you want to know where an alcoholic is REALLY coming from....just tell them "no".
I have been in the unenviable position to tell my qualifiers "no".....OH Sh**!!!! Hell hath no fury like an alcoholic who has been told that they are not going to get their way......LOL!
I understand your feelings, though. I think most of us have held out hope for a long, long time......
dandylion
I have been in the unenviable position to tell my qualifiers "no".....OH Sh**!!!! Hell hath no fury like an alcoholic who has been told that they are not going to get their way......LOL!
I understand your feelings, though. I think most of us have held out hope for a long, long time......
dandylion
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
When I have let myself be sucked into contact with my now XAH, I find that I let his personality and issues and charisma fill up the space in my head and heart that I have been trying so hard to empty and reclaim for myself.
And then I have to do it all again.
ShootingStar1
And then I have to do it all again.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Well, all you can do is state your truth, just like you have here.
She has differing ideas from yours. That's generally how it goes when one person wants to break up and the other doesn't.
Just be as honest as you can with her. What she says in response is not in your control.
She has differing ideas from yours. That's generally how it goes when one person wants to break up and the other doesn't.
Just be as honest as you can with her. What she says in response is not in your control.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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Originally Posted by Hockeyerik 
Thanks Bimini, that's what I need to do. Just not real excited for it.
That's hilarious hammer!!
That's hilarious hammer!!
Maybe we should put this one in the "Quackers" thread . . . .
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
LMAO!
Hockeyeric if you're going to break up with her, then end it. Talking to her, taking her calls, comforting her, coddling her and excessively worrying about her will land you back into the clutches of Mrs Freddy Krueger. If that's what you want and need in your life then be prepared for the fillet of heart.
Hockeyeric if you're going to break up with her, then end it. Talking to her, taking her calls, comforting her, coddling her and excessively worrying about her will land you back into the clutches of Mrs Freddy Krueger. If that's what you want and need in your life then be prepared for the fillet of heart.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New york
Posts: 144
Hockeyeric,
Wow, I felt such a connection to this..
no one can tell you what to do but we all see the danger your in. As a co-dependent I can relate with her and having an alcoholic x BF I can relate to you!
My thought is that your not doing her any favors by talking with her right now, she's a new baby in recovery, there is nothing you will be able to say that will make it easier. She doesn't need shades of grey right now. If you really want to help her, stay away for now.
Can I make a suggestion? Text her back and say if you still want to have this talk in 3 months we can, but for now we both still need time to heal our selves from within.
That amount of reassurance may be enough for her.
Wow, I felt such a connection to this..
no one can tell you what to do but we all see the danger your in. As a co-dependent I can relate with her and having an alcoholic x BF I can relate to you!
My thought is that your not doing her any favors by talking with her right now, she's a new baby in recovery, there is nothing you will be able to say that will make it easier. She doesn't need shades of grey right now. If you really want to help her, stay away for now.
Can I make a suggestion? Text her back and say if you still want to have this talk in 3 months we can, but for now we both still need time to heal our selves from within.
That amount of reassurance may be enough for her.
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