Now its broken :(
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 831
Now its broken :(
Hi everyone. Just to introduce myself to newcomers and to reintroduce myself to my SR family, I'm in recovery from chronic marijuana use and alcohol abuse. I tried many other drugs along the way, but weed and alcohol were my "best friends" for 22 years. I've been sober since March 31, 2014.
When I was actively using my drugs of choice, my life was always in chaos. I broke more precious things due to alcohol than I can count including my own bones (and I wasn't even under the influence for that, I was on my way to the liquor store! But that's another thread) and ruined or damaged countless other things from family heirlooms to clothing to cars. Feelings of guilt led to more using which led to more destruction.
Somewhere along the way I convinced myself that I was an expert organizer and housekeeper - but I had to be stoned/high/baked to do it. When I got clean, my apartment got cluttered. It took about 5 or 6 weeks for me to relearn how to do the dishes (no dishwasher, aka "the washing up" for you folks across the pond) and I regularly take out the trash. I'm not living in filth or anything like that. But I would certainly panic if anyone were to show up at my door right now.
I've been putting off picking up and organizing my apartment. I used to smoke pot before I organized a space, eventually I HAD to smoke before I was capable of organizing a space (but that was an illusion since it only "worked" sometimes.)
Now I look around and I feel like my brain is damaged or something. I don't know where to put the stuff that's there, nothing has a home, and just this morning I stepped on my Kindle because it was hidden under a blanket and now it's broken. I've lost so many things due to similar experiences. Broken or ruined in some other way.
Feeling sad and defeated. Obviously the way I've been living isn't working for me any more. It's like I'm addicted to the chaos. I know it's bad for me yet I continue the same behavior that got me to this point. I'm also being damaged by living this way, I just never admitted it before. Ahhhhh!!! I feel like I've taken "step one: we admitted we were powerless over clutter, that our lives had become unmanageable" (is there a 12 step group like that already? Maybe I should start a meeting in my area?) I don't know where to start.
Has anyone else ruined things due to clutter? Was that what prompted you to change? What did you do first? How do you know what is the first thing to do anyway?
When I was actively using my drugs of choice, my life was always in chaos. I broke more precious things due to alcohol than I can count including my own bones (and I wasn't even under the influence for that, I was on my way to the liquor store! But that's another thread) and ruined or damaged countless other things from family heirlooms to clothing to cars. Feelings of guilt led to more using which led to more destruction.
Somewhere along the way I convinced myself that I was an expert organizer and housekeeper - but I had to be stoned/high/baked to do it. When I got clean, my apartment got cluttered. It took about 5 or 6 weeks for me to relearn how to do the dishes (no dishwasher, aka "the washing up" for you folks across the pond) and I regularly take out the trash. I'm not living in filth or anything like that. But I would certainly panic if anyone were to show up at my door right now.
I've been putting off picking up and organizing my apartment. I used to smoke pot before I organized a space, eventually I HAD to smoke before I was capable of organizing a space (but that was an illusion since it only "worked" sometimes.)
Now I look around and I feel like my brain is damaged or something. I don't know where to put the stuff that's there, nothing has a home, and just this morning I stepped on my Kindle because it was hidden under a blanket and now it's broken. I've lost so many things due to similar experiences. Broken or ruined in some other way.
Feeling sad and defeated. Obviously the way I've been living isn't working for me any more. It's like I'm addicted to the chaos. I know it's bad for me yet I continue the same behavior that got me to this point. I'm also being damaged by living this way, I just never admitted it before. Ahhhhh!!! I feel like I've taken "step one: we admitted we were powerless over clutter, that our lives had become unmanageable" (is there a 12 step group like that already? Maybe I should start a meeting in my area?) I don't know where to start.
Has anyone else ruined things due to clutter? Was that what prompted you to change? What did you do first? How do you know what is the first thing to do anyway?
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
I'm sorry your Kindle is broken.
I can relate to the clutter thing a little. My husband brought a clutter habit with him into my home when we married. It was hard for me to deal with. Parts of the house are cluttered now because he brought things in here that just won't all fit. And he continues to "collect" unless I put it right in front of his face for him to toss out. That gets old
I won't throw most of it away because I think that's rude and disrespectful. He might actually need some of it later.
I do have my specific areas that I don't allow his clutter in. That helps.
I have always known where EVERY SINGLE ITEM I own is inside my house, I kid you not. I have some sort of crazy memory where if I've put my hands on an item, I placed it in a specific location, and I do NOT forget where it is. He doubted me at first, but I've shown him enough times that he now believes me!
I tried to get him on my "system" but he just doesn't think like I do. He doesn't see the same urgency I do in organization. The way I see it... the less time I spend organizing, hunting down, rearranging... the more time I have to think, plan, create, etc. My brain is so highly unorganized that my surroundings were usually systematically arranged and kept that way to give me peace of mind.
Yes, I am probably the guy in Office Space who freaks when you move the red Swingline stapler an inch on my desk!
When I got sober I felt like my head was ripped off and another head was placed on top and sewn there. I didn't feel totally myself anymore. It was that way for a while. Simple words wouldn't come to mind, sentences would come out jumbled, I'd stammer, and I'd trip over things, and felt dizzy at times. This is all pretty normal in the first year from what I understand.
So go easy on yourself. Give yourself some time for your new sober brain to adjust. I do work differently now, think differently, and feel differently It's all improved! Hang in there.
Maybe you can sell your cracked Kindle online.
I can relate to the clutter thing a little. My husband brought a clutter habit with him into my home when we married. It was hard for me to deal with. Parts of the house are cluttered now because he brought things in here that just won't all fit. And he continues to "collect" unless I put it right in front of his face for him to toss out. That gets old
I won't throw most of it away because I think that's rude and disrespectful. He might actually need some of it later.I do have my specific areas that I don't allow his clutter in. That helps.
I have always known where EVERY SINGLE ITEM I own is inside my house, I kid you not. I have some sort of crazy memory where if I've put my hands on an item, I placed it in a specific location, and I do NOT forget where it is. He doubted me at first, but I've shown him enough times that he now believes me!
I tried to get him on my "system" but he just doesn't think like I do. He doesn't see the same urgency I do in organization. The way I see it... the less time I spend organizing, hunting down, rearranging... the more time I have to think, plan, create, etc. My brain is so highly unorganized that my surroundings were usually systematically arranged and kept that way to give me peace of mind.
Yes, I am probably the guy in Office Space who freaks when you move the red Swingline stapler an inch on my desk!
When I got sober I felt like my head was ripped off and another head was placed on top and sewn there. I didn't feel totally myself anymore. It was that way for a while. Simple words wouldn't come to mind, sentences would come out jumbled, I'd stammer, and I'd trip over things, and felt dizzy at times. This is all pretty normal in the first year from what I understand.
So go easy on yourself. Give yourself some time for your new sober brain to adjust. I do work differently now, think differently, and feel differently
It's all improved! Hang in there.Maybe you can sell your cracked Kindle online.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,502
I'm sorry your Kindle is broken. I react negatively to clutter and consequently my home is usually pretty organized. I had problems at work though, sharing work-space with people who let clutter grow.
Be very proud of yourself five months of recovery. Good for you. And, be patient, because recovery is an ongoing journey and things will evolve.
Be very proud of yourself five months of recovery. Good for you. And, be patient, because recovery is an ongoing journey and things will evolve.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Wellington, NZ
Posts: 250
Oh, that truely truely sucks. I use my e-book reader all the time and that would really upset me. My cell-phone broke yesterday, I can't afford to replace it so I'm really feeling your pain at the moment. Maybe we both just need a good cry? :=]
Don't beat yourself up though- sometimes things just get broken. I tend to be a bit messy too- it doesn't mean I deserve it when accidents happen.
Have you thought about replacing your Kindle? If money's an issue you'll be able to find a second hand one on E-bay. Take care.
Don't beat yourself up though- sometimes things just get broken. I tend to be a bit messy too- it doesn't mean I deserve it when accidents happen.
Have you thought about replacing your Kindle? If money's an issue you'll be able to find a second hand one on E-bay. Take care.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,435
I'm sorry - I hate breaking things too.
I think the only cure for clutter is to roll your sleeves up and de-clutter - take a room, or even part of a room, at a time.
You may subconsciously be thinking the only way I can do this is stoned or drunk, but it's not true
Put some favourite music on...take breaks if you need to - but select a de-cluttering target each day and don't stop til it's done.
In the downsizing for my move I found I liked the absence of clutter - and I'm determined to keep it up, even tho I'm not a natural cleaner...
lets' just say it's good Anna and I don't share a desk
D
I think the only cure for clutter is to roll your sleeves up and de-clutter - take a room, or even part of a room, at a time.
You may subconsciously be thinking the only way I can do this is stoned or drunk, but it's not true
Put some favourite music on...take breaks if you need to - but select a de-cluttering target each day and don't stop til it's done.
In the downsizing for my move I found I liked the absence of clutter - and I'm determined to keep it up, even tho I'm not a natural cleaner...
lets' just say it's good Anna and I don't share a desk
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
The other week I had a weekend off work and decided it was time to sort out a large box/pile of paper bills, bank statements, receipts, documents, basically when they would come in the mail I'd just throw them in a pile, when the pile got too big, it went in a box and the box when full would go in a closet and so you can imagine how a few years of that system turned out!!
So that was my mission, had a few tunes on, made a few pots of tea and went to work, it was only one area of my house but by giving myself 1 task for that weekend, it gave me a focus, and in the end very satisfying, I even found some cool wedding invites and birthday cards that had made there way in amongst the rest!!
Start small, one area and go from there!!
So that was my mission, had a few tunes on, made a few pots of tea and went to work, it was only one area of my house but by giving myself 1 task for that weekend, it gave me a focus, and in the end very satisfying, I even found some cool wedding invites and birthday cards that had made there way in amongst the rest!!
Start small, one area and go from there!!
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Hi bookmaven.
There are 12-Step programs that "suggest" cleaning up our domestic clutter before doing anything else, and then to continue to clean up as we move along. I think the idea is related to something that SoberJennie wrote, that the less clutter we have to deal with, the more available we are to organizing the rest of our lives. Or something like that...I'm personally comfortable with a manageable amount of clutter in my life though, like most people, I don't like things to be unclean.
I've also experienced something else in myself and in other people that may be in play here. It's a childlike notion, and I mean no insult...As I wrote, I've experienced this myself, but have only appreciated it in retrospect. I think that on a very deep level that we embrace the (magical?) notion that if we "stay perfectly still" in life (in whatever area of life is relevant at the moment, both literally and figuratively), then nothing and no one can possibly hurt us. It's the procrastinator's national anthem...If I don't attempt change (or anything else), then I cannot fail. (My high school basketball coach used to tell us that we get zero points for every shot we don't attempt.)
I read a book by William Maxwell almost twenty years ago, So Long, See You Tomorrow, in which a young boy struggles with the death of his mother. On a dime, the world is no longer a familiar or safe place for him. One night, after climbing into bed, he imagines that if he lies perfectly still and without making any noise at all, that if he maintains this for an indefinite period of time, that things will go back to the way they were. The passage itself took up a few pages, and I read it several times, touching as it is.
I also think that putting off things we'd like to accomplish suggests that we're not entirely happy with ourselves or where we are in life, or just at a particular moment, which may dovetail with the 12-Step thinking behind the suggestion to clean up the place where we live.
There are 12-Step programs that "suggest" cleaning up our domestic clutter before doing anything else, and then to continue to clean up as we move along. I think the idea is related to something that SoberJennie wrote, that the less clutter we have to deal with, the more available we are to organizing the rest of our lives. Or something like that...I'm personally comfortable with a manageable amount of clutter in my life though, like most people, I don't like things to be unclean.
I've also experienced something else in myself and in other people that may be in play here. It's a childlike notion, and I mean no insult...As I wrote, I've experienced this myself, but have only appreciated it in retrospect. I think that on a very deep level that we embrace the (magical?) notion that if we "stay perfectly still" in life (in whatever area of life is relevant at the moment, both literally and figuratively), then nothing and no one can possibly hurt us. It's the procrastinator's national anthem...If I don't attempt change (or anything else), then I cannot fail. (My high school basketball coach used to tell us that we get zero points for every shot we don't attempt.)
I read a book by William Maxwell almost twenty years ago, So Long, See You Tomorrow, in which a young boy struggles with the death of his mother. On a dime, the world is no longer a familiar or safe place for him. One night, after climbing into bed, he imagines that if he lies perfectly still and without making any noise at all, that if he maintains this for an indefinite period of time, that things will go back to the way they were. The passage itself took up a few pages, and I read it several times, touching as it is.
I also think that putting off things we'd like to accomplish suggests that we're not entirely happy with ourselves or where we are in life, or just at a particular moment, which may dovetail with the 12-Step thinking behind the suggestion to clean up the place where we live.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 831
Maybe I can adjust some of my favorite 12 step slogans (I'm not an eye roller here, I love the slogans!) to dealing with the clutter.
one day at a time = one thing at a time
easy does it = baby steps
Think before you drink = think before you put that thing down, everything has a home
Look for similarities rather than differences = like with like (I tend to over categorize things)
one day at a time = one thing at a time
easy does it = baby steps
Think before you drink = think before you put that thing down, everything has a home
Look for similarities rather than differences = like with like (I tend to over categorize things)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 831
Lol in response to the broken kindle incident and suggestions here, I put on my favorite radio station and got to work. The song "Message in a Bottle" by The Police came on, and I'd thought for my whole life the lyrics were "Only cocaine keeps me together" I had to stop and double check those lyrics on the internet. It's NOT cocaine they are singing about, it's HOPE!
Only HOPE keeps me together!
Only HOPE keeps me together!
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
I used to see my problems as a mountain when I was drinking
When I got sober I realised I didn't have to climb the mountain of my life problems
I blew the mountain up and took it on piece by piece
No more mountain
When I got sober I realised I didn't have to climb the mountain of my life problems
I blew the mountain up and took it on piece by piece
No more mountain
Magsie
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,668
Hi bookmaven, I can relate, my house was so cluttered, like my brain was with booze so my home was with clutter.
My brain is de fogging, un cluttering and I find I'm uncluttering my life, slowly. We just finished clearing out the bedroom and then decorating, getting new furniture, etc and now it's my haven, I love it, its calming and everything has a home. That's one room done I'm planning my living room but it will have to wait until the new year.
Sorry about your kindle, is it repairable? All the best with the de cluttering.x
My brain is de fogging, un cluttering and I find I'm uncluttering my life, slowly. We just finished clearing out the bedroom and then decorating, getting new furniture, etc and now it's my haven, I love it, its calming and everything has a home. That's one room done I'm planning my living room but it will have to wait until the new year.
Sorry about your kindle, is it repairable? All the best with the de cluttering.x
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