OT finding it hard to coparent
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
OT finding it hard to coparent
Hi all
As some of you the kids Dad bought the kids flash new phones & signed them up to a flasher plan than I could give them. I was happy for the kids & glad their father had taken over phone credit.
Well 1 month later & the kids plans ran out. I thought it was odd as we all thought their Dad had taken them over.
I was not in a position to pay for them especially at the new rate.
I text their Dad & ask for help & he declined.
Annoying.
Then the children are with their Dad this weekend & on Sunday my youngest has a school mass at church. It is a requirement that she go.
So she texts me this morning & asks if she has to go to church. I said yes the school expected her to go. She asked what would happen if everyone was sick.
I asked who was sick & what the problem was. She said that everyone was feeling sick except her & asked again if she'd have to go. I told her that if everyone was sick then maybe she wouldn't have to go but that the decision would need to be made by her Dad.
Then she said she had to go now as going to town to drop her sister off.
Red flag shows at this stage.
I ask where she is going if she is sick & was told she was going to her friends but she has had meds.
I left it at that.
So correct me if I'm wrong but it seems very suspicious that everyone is sick, that they want to cancel church & there is obviously nothing wrong with my other daughter if she is still going to mates.
It makes me mad.
Pretending to be sick to get out of responsibilities is not good parenting.
What I struggle with is the "letting go" when the kids are in their fathers care & he is not displaying good parenting.
Do I just turn the other cheek & try to forget about it?
I just feel like all the effort I have put into raising the girls the right way is being undone.
Any advice?
As some of you the kids Dad bought the kids flash new phones & signed them up to a flasher plan than I could give them. I was happy for the kids & glad their father had taken over phone credit.
Well 1 month later & the kids plans ran out. I thought it was odd as we all thought their Dad had taken them over.
I was not in a position to pay for them especially at the new rate.
I text their Dad & ask for help & he declined.
Annoying.
Then the children are with their Dad this weekend & on Sunday my youngest has a school mass at church. It is a requirement that she go.
So she texts me this morning & asks if she has to go to church. I said yes the school expected her to go. She asked what would happen if everyone was sick.
I asked who was sick & what the problem was. She said that everyone was feeling sick except her & asked again if she'd have to go. I told her that if everyone was sick then maybe she wouldn't have to go but that the decision would need to be made by her Dad.
Then she said she had to go now as going to town to drop her sister off.
Red flag shows at this stage.
I ask where she is going if she is sick & was told she was going to her friends but she has had meds.
I left it at that.
So correct me if I'm wrong but it seems very suspicious that everyone is sick, that they want to cancel church & there is obviously nothing wrong with my other daughter if she is still going to mates.
It makes me mad.
Pretending to be sick to get out of responsibilities is not good parenting.
What I struggle with is the "letting go" when the kids are in their fathers care & he is not displaying good parenting.
Do I just turn the other cheek & try to forget about it?
I just feel like all the effort I have put into raising the girls the right way is being undone.
Any advice?
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: over there
Posts: 253
You only have two options, forget it or stop them going if stuff he does or doesn't do becomes big deals. You cannot control what he does when he has them to stay. You could discuss boundaries until the cows come home but he will do as he wants when he has them alone. The effort to raise them right will not be undone by him having them on a weekend. If he won't take them to church maybe he should have them on different nights?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
As thought my daughter was not taken to her school mass on Sunday as was required. The family was too sick.
Yeah right, they spent time out at the beach.
Then this morning getting ready for school my daughter found that her school uniform had not come back from her Dad's. Luckily I had just purchased new items of uniform so I had just enough old shabby stuff to get by!
Deep breaths, I guess I just have to keep reminding myself that I can't control what they do & even though it affects me & my daughter there is nothing I can do.
Also proves to me why the children do remain in my day to day care.
Yeah right, they spent time out at the beach.
Then this morning getting ready for school my daughter found that her school uniform had not come back from her Dad's. Luckily I had just purchased new items of uniform so I had just enough old shabby stuff to get by!
Deep breaths, I guess I just have to keep reminding myself that I can't control what they do & even though it affects me & my daughter there is nothing I can do.
Also proves to me why the children do remain in my day to day care.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
What I struggle with is the "letting go" when the kids are in their fathers care & he is not displaying good parenting.
Deep breaths. And then, the thing is -- yeah, kids initially tend to like the "we can watch cable till 3 am and nobody's stopping us" and the boundary-free existence where they can eat ice cream for breakfast and go to the beach instead of to church... but after a while, they feel uncared for and uncertain in an environment where anything goes.
Do what you can to give them stability, rules, boundaries, and love when them with you. And then leave the rest up to God/your HP. I know. It's infuriating and mind numbingly hard but it's all we can do.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
My girls both did counseling. One thing that both counselors instilled in them was that just b/c they are not in my house or his (when with the other), that there are still rules and boundaries they are expected to follow, and will follow as a person. Eventually your children will be old enough to decide if they go to church on their own, or make choices on their own. You will have given them good guidance so that even if they stray away for a bit, I bet they come back to those same morals.
Until then, deep breaths and do the best you can while they are with you.
XXX. It's hard, but you're doing great!
Until then, deep breaths and do the best you can while they are with you.
XXX. It's hard, but you're doing great!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Yesterday I found out my final court hearing date.
10th Nov 2014.
I am really glad it is before Christmas because it will be final & then the Christmas holidays will be in black in white & we can follow it & everyone will no where they will be & when.
On another note, my 10 year old informed me over dinner lastnight that her step mother had been telling her how slack I am at changing arrangements & how she'd like me to change my Christmas plans this year so she could take my children away to spend Christmas with her adult child next Christmas.
I was angry.
1. She has no right to talk about me like that with my daughter (she had brainwashed my child into actually thinking what she was proposing was fair & I unfair)
2. We are going to a court hearing to get a final custody order soon, once this is in place there will be no changes on my behalf, negotiation left us long ago when they started legal proceedings against me.
I don't know I've actually forgiven this women (my x best friend) many a times only to have her put the knife in once again.
10th Nov 2014.
I am really glad it is before Christmas because it will be final & then the Christmas holidays will be in black in white & we can follow it & everyone will no where they will be & when.
On another note, my 10 year old informed me over dinner lastnight that her step mother had been telling her how slack I am at changing arrangements & how she'd like me to change my Christmas plans this year so she could take my children away to spend Christmas with her adult child next Christmas.
I was angry.
1. She has no right to talk about me like that with my daughter (she had brainwashed my child into actually thinking what she was proposing was fair & I unfair)
2. We are going to a court hearing to get a final custody order soon, once this is in place there will be no changes on my behalf, negotiation left us long ago when they started legal proceedings against me.
I don't know I've actually forgiven this women (my x best friend) many a times only to have her put the knife in once again.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Just... grrrrr. Completely brings back having to deal with AXH's enabling GF. She had the nerve to tell DS that having 3 kitties in the house was irresponsible and abusive to the cats. (My sister had 2 and we have Sasuke.) She had DS convinced both he and I were being absolutely horrid, bad, mean people to have Sasuke. (Meanwhile, she was subjecting her kids AND mine to AXH - an abusive alcoholic...)
I am so, so sorry she did that to your kiddo. Glad the court date will let you settle the arrangements so the holidays aren't up in the air and they (XH and SM) won't feel like they can 'negotiate'.
You don't have to forgive this woman on any kind of time frame, especially when she pulls cr-p like that. And when you do reach a point where you can forgive her, it's for you -- not her. ((((hugs))))
I am so, so sorry she did that to your kiddo. Glad the court date will let you settle the arrangements so the holidays aren't up in the air and they (XH and SM) won't feel like they can 'negotiate'.
You don't have to forgive this woman on any kind of time frame, especially when she pulls cr-p like that. And when you do reach a point where you can forgive her, it's for you -- not her. ((((hugs))))
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