Marcinor

Tonight I was supposed to have a face to face with my SO.

Originally it was scheduled for Monday night, he called asking if we could postpone until he was back from work out of town. I quickly agreed. I'm working on trying not to force him to talk to me.

I really don't even know where to start or how to explain what has happened in the past. The problems the addictive behavior has caused in our relationship have been going on for so long. I just know it seems like it's been forever since I felt like myself.

He told me he would call when he got back into town. No call tonight, no email, no voicemail, no consideration of my feelings or my time, no respect. I'm used to all that, I should be used to it, it's been going on forever. Fortunately I have amazing friends who took me in tonight, fed me dinner and distracted me from my disappointment (I tried not to have expectations, to avoid the disappointment guess you can't fool yourself).

I feel so lousy. I feel so sad that I love a man who can't even give me a courtesy call to tell me he's an idiot. I feel let down again. I know I got myself into this. If I just didn't respond to his email a month and a half ago when he asked for help, if I just didn't let him near me, if I just hadn't open the door a little for him. I'm a fool.

He cheats, lies, keeps secrets and I still love him, still hope for the best, still hope things will change. I'm a fool and it feels like new pain everytime it happens. Wouldn't you think it would be old and I'd be callused from all the wounds?

I feel so terrible. How can I be such a dumb, smart woman? How can I let this happen to me over and over again?

I want to jump out of my skin. I want to cry, but the tears won't even flow. I want to stop feeling all together. I want someone to tell me this is all a joke. That I really don't have to continue to feel this way. I want him to tell me he loves me. How do I make it stop?

M

Mich

I can totally relate! My A has been out of the house for almost 3 months now. I can't tell you how many times he was on his way to treatment or coming to get the rest of his stuff, several times he just "needed" to see me. Well..... I learned the hard way, he doesnt follow through with anything. We were going to have a face to face too and he just never called. I let it go. We still have not had one. BUT it hurts like hell! I tell myself ......it is too painful for him to have a face to face with me. I am not sure if that is it or is having too much fun in his addiction to even remeber me. But to ease my pain I tell myself that its too painful for HIM. I wanted him to love me enough to stop all the BS but it didnt/hasnt happened and I have decided that when he calls I (hope I have the strengh) will politly say please dont call me anymore. I dont want to continue to hurt. I want to be happy.

Magichappens

((Marci))
The way I have found to make it stop is to stop trying to go in a direction that is a brick wall. I had to start focussing on doing things for me. When I started focussing on taking care of me, the rest has fallen into place. It's not easy to take a step in a different direction, but it is harder to keep going down those dead end roads. Take a step. Buy a book, find a meeting, do one thing to move in a direction that has hope. You can decide today, or tomorrow, or whenever you are ready. Learning to love yourself, and take care of yourself is so worth it. You are worth it. Hugs, Magic

Lorelai

Magic is so right (as always).

I felt exactly the way you feel. I think I'm a relatively intelligent person. How in the world did I get myself into this? At one point, I told my friend "It's hopeless. There is no answer. Obviously, living this way is not good for me but I love him and can't bring myself to leave him." She told me "You need to find your peace." She was right.

I needed to stop that tape that had been repeating in my head for so many years. I needed to see clearly and find myself again. These boards, Alanon and getting information through books has helped me to find myself again.

I'm glad you're here. Keep reading and posting. It will help.
L

Teggie

((( Marcinor))) sigh, I hurt with you. Please don't be so hard on yourself. We can't control who we love and why we love them. And when theres kids involved it's doubled. We can't help feeling that flicker of hope when theres a chance things could work out, and being angry at ourselves for being that way when it doesn't. We feel like we ought to know better than to even try. Maybye we should but we are still human and one of human's basic needs is to be loved.
Your no fool Marcinor, you are human, just like the rest of us. You didn't screw up, he did, but you feel angry at yourself for hoping things might have a chance, somehow. If we can make it stop? OMG we'd make a million selling that one. We can't make it stop. Magic's advice makes so much sense. Esp the part about taking it one step at a time, makes it sound a little easier to do that way. It also looks like a huge huge mountain to climb because it's going to be so hard to do. Your human Marci, you have dreams and hopes just like we all do, we can't help wanting things to be right, we can't help feeling, and we can't help hurting. Please don't put yourself down because you had hope, I agree another path may help it not hurt as much but as long as there is love there may always be the tiniest hope that you may eventually arrive at the same destination. We can only learn how to protect ourself and our feelings as much as we can, without losing our souls, ourselves in the process. To take care of ourselves and like Magic says let the rest fall into place. Many many hugs today, Teggie

Marcinor

Thank you! Thank you!

I couldn't sleep last night I was so frustrated and angry but that is a much better response than emailing him or calling him. I know it can't be my responsibility to track him down. I slept in again this morning (not really sure if that's good or bad) and I think I should go for a short run to clear my head.

I guess if I keep running, finishing school, making new friends, taking care of kids eventually I'll be fit, have a great job, a social life and great kids (they are already great) -somehow that sounds like a pretty good life. -Thanks Magic, teggie, Lore, & Mich

All your responses help so much. Of course the pain is still there but it seems a bit more on the managable side this morning.

Thank you all again!

Marci