teendoc

Hello Everyone,

I am new to the boards and this is my first post. I wasn't sure whether I should post it in this section or in the newcomer section. I posted in both places and hope you don't mind my sharing.

My husband of barely a year and a half is an addict. His addictions are marijuana, internet porn, the internet, Cartoon Network...you name it and he can disappear into it. He does not use alcohol or other drugs, though.

During our courtship (does anyone use that term anymore?), I knew he had some issues with marijuana, but like many people, I didn't see it as an addiction. He was much more functional then before we moved in together and married. But since we returned from our honeymoon in April of last year, I've learned more than I ever thought possible about living with someone with an addictive personality.

My husband was initially not very functional. He had been unemployed for some time living on money earned as an investment banker. Yet our wedding and honeymoon took the last bit of his savings. After the honeymoon when it was time to search for a job, he dawdled, delayed, and avoided like crazy. I ended up asking him "what have you done today?" as a near constant mantra.

We went through some very tough times as he started to realize finally that he had a problem. Though he stopped using marijuana, the computer and internet porn still remained a big escape. (I didn't realize how much until much later). Finally he began to see that he needed help. He did an outpatient day program, attended AA and a sex addiction meeting and went to therapy. He'd do a little better but then stop going to meetings/therapy because he had trouble working it in around the part-time job he had taken in the bakery of a grocery store. Clearly it was an excuse.

My role, as it has always been with my adolescent patients (I'm an adolescent medicine physician) was to frequently point out when he had drifted off track, since he never seemed to recognize it. He didn't mind this because it helped him become more aware (or so he told me). But I also had to remind him to pay his bills (or the creditors would call and wig me out), do his household chores, or remind him that he has an appointment. I knew that I wasn't supposed to try to fix him or manage him, but I felt I was just trying to get him to do the bare minimum.

Within the past 2-3 months he has been much better at attending meetings (averaging 7/week) and has found a more directive sponsor for himself. Yet he still is floundering with his job search and still lapsing into coma in front of the computer (though the porn has stopped after he installed an accountability program that lets his sponsor know whenever he visits a porn site). We restarted couples therapy a month ago with the goal of trying to break this mother/child cycle that we've gotten into. Today, during our 3rd session the therapist said that she felt we should separate in order to help my husband become less dependent on me for everything. (He admitted that he was unable to clean up his messes if I wasn't nearby.)

Both of us are devastated by this recommendation. We love and like each other tremendously. Yes our marriage has been terribly strained by his dysfunction, he wants to become more functional and I believe he can do it. We never anticipated that separation would be recommended, though I see how my husband might grow if I were not there to pay the mortgage, buy the groceries and do the laundry. It may be a bit too comfortable for him here. But I don't want to separate (and I also can't afford to support him in a separate household because I'm barely managing to support us both in this one.) He is still only employed part-time in a low-paying job.

So where does this leave me? Stuck, I feel. Though others have suggested Al-Anon to me many times and I attended one meeting, I've resisted the idea of just letting go and leaving my husband to sink or swim. But now I see that perhaps it is a better alternative to learn to stop my natural tendency to help or play shrink than to ask him to move out. Perhaps the patterns can be unlearned without our having to separate, something neither of us wants.

Thanks my long-winded story. I just hope to find some help here in learning to let go and let God. Thanks for listening (reading).

splendra

(((((((teendoc)))))))-

Welcome to Sober Recovery. We are glad you are here.

Naranon groups teach you how to change your own behavior. You will learn that you cannot realy control another persons choices. Also, that the sensible solution is to believe in a HP to restore you to sanity and to turn your will and life over to this Power. You will to learn to keep the focus on yourself. Reguardless of weather you leave or stay together.

Many SA and NA meetings also have an "ANON" meeting going on at the same time in another room. You might want to check it out.

When you try to control another human being you give a not so subtle message that you don't think they are capible of making good sane choices and most likely they will believe you and grow more dependent upon you and also resentful of you. Addiction is a condition of contraditions and absurdities. The seemly right thing to do is often the most wrong thing to do. Your codependent instinct will lead you to fall right into the trap door. You want to learn how not to give into his manipulations.

Take care and keep posting!!!

splendra

Also check out the"POWER POST" and "STICKIES" at the top of this board!!

Magichappens

Hi teendoc,
Welcome to SR. There is a lot of support and love here. We are a group that is dealing with the effects of addiction, in whatever form, on our life. Feel free to browse the forums, post, share, or just vent. Hope that you find some options to help yourself deal with the pain you are going through. Hugs, Magic

Teggie

((Teendoc))) welcome, we are glad to have you here. I know it took alot of courage to post your story and lay it all out like you did. Please listen to Splendra and Magic, they are a wealth of information here. You are very knowledgable about your situation and I can see that you try very hard to keep focused on the hard facts. I don't see though where you are taking care of you, how are you handling it? Whats your support system? Where do your needs, feelings and dreams fall into this? This can't be easy on you. You need an outlet to voice your rage, your resentment and know it's ok to do that. Alanon teaches us to take the focus off the addict and turn it onto us. And I have come to see it can emcompass so much more than just alcoholism. We are powerless over addiction, but we are not powerless over ourselves. Keep posting here, rage, vent, scream, cry or whatever, it's all good. Let it out and start healing. Many hugs to you, Teggie

teendoc

Splendra, Magichappens, & Teggie: Thank you so much for the warm welcome. The power posts that you've suggested have been very helpful.

I've actually done quite a bit of reflection in the past couple of days and have come to some important realizations. During the past 2 days I have actively tried to stop this mothering. Guess what? Though I always thought I could stop anytime I wanted to, I just wasn't able to. I realized that I am as addicted to mothering him at this point as he is to feeling dependent. Yes you are right, I need to go back to Al-Anon and work on stopping my mothering so that he, hopefully, will be able to grow up.

I think we are going to try this paradigm shift before opting for formal separation. There is so much love between us that we've got to figure out how to save things. I'll continue posting.

teendoc

Here's the long version of my coming to awareness from my blog:

Quote:

I have to thank my newly pregnant friend Cecily for helping me to see what has happened to my marriage. She is a veteran of both AA and Al-Anon. I wrote to her recently lamenting my husband's latest problem following through on staying away from the computer at home. I described how I had to remind him of his promise that he would only use the computer at the job search site that he was going to during the daytime. She responded simply, "Why are you involved in this computer issue at all?" Of course I was stunned. I have to be involved or he won't recognize when he is slipping. "No," she replied. "You don't have to be involved in any of this. You are making yourself involved. You shouldn't, plain and simple."

Oh was I upset at her words. How could she understand how dysfunctional my husband was? My backing out was sure to doom us to failure. Her simplistic, "stop being his mother" did not do any justice to how much I was doing to hold him and us together. You just don't understand, I kept thinking. Perhaps your husband stepped up when you backed off, but my husband needs me to do this. He will not do well on his own. So I kept her words in my head but didn't heed them. And then we had our Wednesday session. My eyes began to open...

During the session my husband was avoident of looking directly at the therapist while talking to her. So I hit his leg and hissed, "look up at her!" Later he started picking at himself while talking (something he does when he is nervous or upset) and I hissed again, "stop picking at yourself." Looking back during my reflection later that day, I was like, Jesus Christ, what was I going to say next? Don't slouch! Sit up straight. Eat your vegetables! I wasn't just trying to help. I had gone into a full fledged mother role. This role was one of the things our therapist said had to change. She proposed the separation to achieve his growing up and my letting go. But there had to be another way.

The more I thought about the separation, the more Cecily's words came back to me. "What do you get out of mothering him that makes you unable to stop?" I said to myself that I hate this mothering. I can stop if that is what he needs. I can. Anytime. Really. And then I tried to do just that. Guess what? I couldn't stop. I could just not shut up. It was like something burning inside was forcing the words out. Did you fax the insurance papers? Why are you waiting to empty the garbage? Did you remember your therapy appointment? As sick as it made me to constantly "mother" my husband, I just couldn't stop. That's when I knew, this is my contribution to the problem.

Now I am not trying to say that where we are is completely my fault. That is not true and I will not own the bulk of the responsibility. However, I do realize that my overachieving nature has certainly made things worse by my husband. I come from a family of overfunctioning women who end up having relationships with underfunctioning, indecisive men. However none have ever seen that perhaps one contributes to the other. I'm seeing it now.

My husband has gotten worse since we began living together. That is clear. He became less and less functional during our early months, and now that he has become more slightly more functional and much more self-aware, he still has no confidence or self-esteem...a situation quite different than when we were dating. As he grew worse, he felt more and more ashamed of himself. He knew that he was not the person he thought he should be. He leaned on me to help him get better. If he couldn't fix himself alone, we would do it together. However the leaning was dependency, something he knew well from watching his dependent, shut-out-the-world father and codependent mother over the years. Yet neither of us recognized how much we had fallen into the nonproductive pattern of dependency and overfunctioning. Both of us were shoo-ins for our pathologic interaction because of our family histories, me as overfunctioning woman and he as dependent man.

Now it must stop. Really.

We don't want to separate. Yet we know, as our therapist said, we have to have a paradigm shift in order to restructure our relationship and make it functional. As I tried again today to swallow the almost automatic admonishments and reminders for my husband, I knew that I was codependent. Though I hated this behavior, I was totally jonesing for it. The definition of codependency.

I didn't see myself as being codependent because I thought it meant that the person was addicted to fixing the addict. I wasn't trying to fix him. I was just trying to stabilize and help enough that he could fix himself. But now it is as clear as glass, how can someone fix him or herself when his or her efforts at stabilization were being undermined by a well-intentioned spouse? This has indeed been an awakening. And, like Cecily described when she spoke about letting go of her codependent behaviors, I feel as though I'm becoming able to put down the heavy tray that I've been carrying all alone. It isn't all on me. His recovery is about him. My recovery is in reclaiming myself as a separate entity. This is a major paradigm shift, indeed.

I'm going to leave his chores and reminders to him. If there are consequences then he has to figure out how to fix them. It is not my responsibility or purpose. teendoc's goal is to only mother teendoc right now (and the kitties, of course). We've also begun a contract to each other of things we want to have before we consider this phase to be a success and move back into the same bedroom. We are approaching this contract as peers with equal discourse and veto power. If our work is not successful in 3 months, we will pursue separation. Yet for now, I'm backing off to let him mother himself. I'm starting Al-Anon to learn how to let go and let God. He's continuing with AA and has broken down his computer and put it in the basement. The paradigm is going to shift. We've got too much love together to even contemplate the alternative.

splendra

WOW!




:

gabigoo

That was a VERY powerful message teendoc! Thank you so much for sharing it b/c it reinforces how much I mother my alcoholic husband. And I completely understand how you feel about keeping your marriage. I am holding onto mine as well. My husband started treatment 23 days ago in an IOP and goes to AA everyday!
I noticed from your profile that you are in Mt. Laurel...I am in Marlton and if you are interested in Al Anon meetings I know the tuesday 1pm in Moorestown and the Thursday PM in Palmyra are REALLY good! I have been a few times. I am hoping to check out Voorhees tomorrow but I may not make it...tomorrow is my 30th B-day!
Since I have come to understand my role in this CRAZY addiction I have been taking care of ME!!! I am reading Codependent No More and it is SO helpful!!! Have you read that one?

teendoc

Splendra: I hope that means that I've started along the right path!

Gabigoo: Very small world, huh? How nice to cybermeet someone from my neck of the woods. Those meetings sound great but I work during those times. I did want to try the Voorhees meeting today but got up too late. (Something about doing South Beach is making me exhausted) I'm working on finding a Sunday beginner's meeting.

I just posted on my first meeting in my blog. It was in Moorestown last night. I'm just going to do what they say and keep coming back.

splendra

teendoc-

indeed you are!!

Ann

Teendoc, that was one powerful post and you really have so many things pegged. I "mothered" too. Oh yes, my addict is my son and of course I mother but I mean "MOTHER'd" because you see my "boy" is 36 years old and I was doing for him what he really needed to do for himself. When I let go, he did what he needed to do.

It's threads like your that lift my spirit and give me back my faith that like addiction, codependency can be beaten.

Hugs and prayers for both of you.
Ann

Magichappens

Thanks Teendoc. You sound like you already know the direction to take. We are here to support you and help if we can. Your story has helped me too. Isn't it wonderful that we have each other? Hugs, Magic