New - need help - alcoholic narcissistic hubs
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New - need help - alcoholic narcissistic hubs
So I am new to this board but need advice badly. This is so incredibly long but I hope someone will read it and help me.
I got married 6 weeks ago and it has been the most horrible time of my life. I married an alcoholic who admitted he was an alcoholic and wanted to get help. I know I should have let him get the help and then marry him. The problem with that is his mother and sister are major enablers and if we were not married they would be in charge of his medical care and not me and therefore it would be pointless to even try. I loved him so much. He was the best thing to ever happen to me. Sure he had his problems but they were situational because the alcoholism had gotten so bad. He was loving and caring and protective, he was always telling everyone how wonderful i was and how lucky was he to have me. You get the picture.
So we get married. It was terrible. He got so hammered he fell flat on his face numerous times. Our wedding only lasted 8 minutes. WOW. Ok not that big of a deal to me in the long run so I totally let it go. He passes out as soon as we hit the hotel room after the wedding. No hug no kiss no dinner no pictures no dancing no nothing. We come home the next day and he proceeds to lay on the couch and smoke and drink non stop. He won't even talk to me at all. Lets not even kid ourselves that there has been any sex. YAY!! Honeymoon. Well we didn't have one just him trashed on the couch throwing up every other hour.
So this goes on for a week exactly and then it gets worse. the insults and put downs and him talking to his ex. I could have died in the floor and he would have just stepped over my body. He cared or loved me exactly zero. more horrible stuff happens and then he has a seizure. Well I have had enough at this point and I call 911. We had already discussed him detoxing and going to rehab but he is uninsured so we were going to try to get that worked out first. Nope...fast track time now. So we go to ER and the ONLY reason they admit him is because I am his wife and he wants to quit so bad and he is so sick and I am so supportive and stable. Hence why we HAD to get married. Had we not been married they would not have taken him.
Moving on. BC of his behavior when he went into hospital I was on zero sleep or food for 4-5 days at least but i was still working my 40 hours. In the hospital I stay by his side 24/7 (except to go to work). Blah blah blah. I'm asleep for the 1st time (in the floor of the hospital room) in well over a week. What is my darling husband doing??????? Texting with his ex how much he misses and loves her. Are you kidding me???? So I get furious and leave the hospital and refuse at the time to come back. there is a huge backstory on the ex but I'll just let you use your imagination. They discharge him that day (ironic the day the loving supportive wife has enough and leaves they boot him out). So he comes home. DENIES he talked to her at all even though we are both looking at the screenshot I took of the part of the conversation he forgot to erase. Seroiusly.
So I try to just let it go. I know he must not feel that great. We had it worked out for him to go to outpatient treatment center 3 hours a day 6 days a week and 2 AA meetings a week. The 1st day is Saturday (we got out of the hosp Friday). It was a family session. We go. It was great. He listened and afterward we discussed it. He said it really makes you think and he seemed receptive to going. By Sunday afternoon he was starting to backslide on the treatment center. By Monday when i got home from he work he said he flat refuses to go to any treatment. He is fine and can do it on his own. I tried to explain to him he had to go bc he was going to feel and experience things he hasn't in a long time and he is not going to know what to do with that. I told him the people at the center will know how to help where I can not. He says he has no cravings and he will not go.
Things continue to get worse and worse everyday. He is mean, disrespectful. Refuses to get a job. Lays on the couch chain smoking and watching tv making huge messes for me to clean up. He name calls and treats me like an employee. Demanding bl## J#bs if you know what I mean. Seriously?!?!?!?! I don't think so. Our marriage is still not consummated at this point. More and more demanding and cruel and cold. Constantly comparing me to his ex and how much better than me she is. At this point he has not worked in 4 months and I have been paying both our bills food gas everything and we live in Los Angeles. I don't make enough money to pay 2 rents and bill. So needless to say my credit card gets maxed out and my bank account completely drained. At this point we are home from the hospital 1 week or so.
By week 2 I strongly suspect he is drinking while I am at work. By week 4 he has had a bad day and gone out drinking. I've had it. I kick him out. He goes to his old apt 2 miles away. My 19 year old son had been living there for the last 2 months as he just moved to LA so I told him to get his stuff (for the 3rd time, my husband was always kicking him out) and moved him to my apartment.
I tried to reconcile with my husband by telling him that if he goes to a 90 day inpatient program he can come home and everything will be fine. He refuses. He will be nice to me for maybe 2 days and then it is back to horrible. I have not let him move back into the house. the entire time he is calling me crazy and stupid and nuts and comparing me to his ex many times daily. He is blaming me for having something going on with his friend. Completely unfounded (is this because he is cheating on me already and projecting???? Probably). Every few days there is some off the wall thing that I have "done" and I am left trying to figure out what he is even talking about.
Where I am now is I have cut him off all the way. I'm not paying for ANYTHING for him at all. I have cut off his phone because he is talking to his ex in RUSSIA!!!! I have to pay for that and I already have no idea how I am going to keep eating at this point. I didn't have a choice. How much abuse is someone supposed to take before enough is enough. So now he has an apt but no money to pay the rent. His friend ask him what he was planning to do about it and he just laughed hysterically and said hey lets go out drinking. (I still talk to this one friend of his) I really believe on top of being an alcoholic he has narcissistic disorder. I have never seen someone flip so quickly from so loving and caring to cold cruel and hurtful. He told his mom he compares me to his ex bc he knows it hurts me and he does it on purpose. WHAT?!?!?!?!
The craziest part of the whole thing is I love him love him love him. I know if he would get the treatment his whole world could change. I love him so much but I just can't take anymore. I have a traumatic brain injury from a car wreck and am legally disabled but I chose to overcome it and still be productive and work. He is well aware of what stress and craziness does to me. I hate that he now has no phone or anything but what choice did he leave me. He has already drained me financially to the point I feel like I have to start stripping to pay the bills and at my age (38) i would prefer not to. He says he is working on the side to his family but it is all lies and they just eat it up and believe him leaving me to be the witch who threw him on the street.
I am looking for a lawyer to try to annul the marriage or at least legally separate or divorce. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to ditch him but I have to take care of myself and my son. I don't know what to expect. Is he going to stay away or is he going to try to come back. If he went to treatment I would not divorce and he could still come home. We can work it out but I can't keep paying for him to be so cruel and the LIES are nonstop. The blame is always on me. Anyway. I'm sure you get the point and I'm sorry this is so long. Advise please!!! What do you do when you love them and want to help but are broke and helpless yourself.
Mischa <3
I got married 6 weeks ago and it has been the most horrible time of my life. I married an alcoholic who admitted he was an alcoholic and wanted to get help. I know I should have let him get the help and then marry him. The problem with that is his mother and sister are major enablers and if we were not married they would be in charge of his medical care and not me and therefore it would be pointless to even try. I loved him so much. He was the best thing to ever happen to me. Sure he had his problems but they were situational because the alcoholism had gotten so bad. He was loving and caring and protective, he was always telling everyone how wonderful i was and how lucky was he to have me. You get the picture.
So we get married. It was terrible. He got so hammered he fell flat on his face numerous times. Our wedding only lasted 8 minutes. WOW. Ok not that big of a deal to me in the long run so I totally let it go. He passes out as soon as we hit the hotel room after the wedding. No hug no kiss no dinner no pictures no dancing no nothing. We come home the next day and he proceeds to lay on the couch and smoke and drink non stop. He won't even talk to me at all. Lets not even kid ourselves that there has been any sex. YAY!! Honeymoon. Well we didn't have one just him trashed on the couch throwing up every other hour.
So this goes on for a week exactly and then it gets worse. the insults and put downs and him talking to his ex. I could have died in the floor and he would have just stepped over my body. He cared or loved me exactly zero. more horrible stuff happens and then he has a seizure. Well I have had enough at this point and I call 911. We had already discussed him detoxing and going to rehab but he is uninsured so we were going to try to get that worked out first. Nope...fast track time now. So we go to ER and the ONLY reason they admit him is because I am his wife and he wants to quit so bad and he is so sick and I am so supportive and stable. Hence why we HAD to get married. Had we not been married they would not have taken him.
Moving on. BC of his behavior when he went into hospital I was on zero sleep or food for 4-5 days at least but i was still working my 40 hours. In the hospital I stay by his side 24/7 (except to go to work). Blah blah blah. I'm asleep for the 1st time (in the floor of the hospital room) in well over a week. What is my darling husband doing??????? Texting with his ex how much he misses and loves her. Are you kidding me???? So I get furious and leave the hospital and refuse at the time to come back. there is a huge backstory on the ex but I'll just let you use your imagination. They discharge him that day (ironic the day the loving supportive wife has enough and leaves they boot him out). So he comes home. DENIES he talked to her at all even though we are both looking at the screenshot I took of the part of the conversation he forgot to erase. Seroiusly.
So I try to just let it go. I know he must not feel that great. We had it worked out for him to go to outpatient treatment center 3 hours a day 6 days a week and 2 AA meetings a week. The 1st day is Saturday (we got out of the hosp Friday). It was a family session. We go. It was great. He listened and afterward we discussed it. He said it really makes you think and he seemed receptive to going. By Sunday afternoon he was starting to backslide on the treatment center. By Monday when i got home from he work he said he flat refuses to go to any treatment. He is fine and can do it on his own. I tried to explain to him he had to go bc he was going to feel and experience things he hasn't in a long time and he is not going to know what to do with that. I told him the people at the center will know how to help where I can not. He says he has no cravings and he will not go.
Things continue to get worse and worse everyday. He is mean, disrespectful. Refuses to get a job. Lays on the couch chain smoking and watching tv making huge messes for me to clean up. He name calls and treats me like an employee. Demanding bl## J#bs if you know what I mean. Seriously?!?!?!?! I don't think so. Our marriage is still not consummated at this point. More and more demanding and cruel and cold. Constantly comparing me to his ex and how much better than me she is. At this point he has not worked in 4 months and I have been paying both our bills food gas everything and we live in Los Angeles. I don't make enough money to pay 2 rents and bill. So needless to say my credit card gets maxed out and my bank account completely drained. At this point we are home from the hospital 1 week or so.
By week 2 I strongly suspect he is drinking while I am at work. By week 4 he has had a bad day and gone out drinking. I've had it. I kick him out. He goes to his old apt 2 miles away. My 19 year old son had been living there for the last 2 months as he just moved to LA so I told him to get his stuff (for the 3rd time, my husband was always kicking him out) and moved him to my apartment.
I tried to reconcile with my husband by telling him that if he goes to a 90 day inpatient program he can come home and everything will be fine. He refuses. He will be nice to me for maybe 2 days and then it is back to horrible. I have not let him move back into the house. the entire time he is calling me crazy and stupid and nuts and comparing me to his ex many times daily. He is blaming me for having something going on with his friend. Completely unfounded (is this because he is cheating on me already and projecting???? Probably). Every few days there is some off the wall thing that I have "done" and I am left trying to figure out what he is even talking about.
Where I am now is I have cut him off all the way. I'm not paying for ANYTHING for him at all. I have cut off his phone because he is talking to his ex in RUSSIA!!!! I have to pay for that and I already have no idea how I am going to keep eating at this point. I didn't have a choice. How much abuse is someone supposed to take before enough is enough. So now he has an apt but no money to pay the rent. His friend ask him what he was planning to do about it and he just laughed hysterically and said hey lets go out drinking. (I still talk to this one friend of his) I really believe on top of being an alcoholic he has narcissistic disorder. I have never seen someone flip so quickly from so loving and caring to cold cruel and hurtful. He told his mom he compares me to his ex bc he knows it hurts me and he does it on purpose. WHAT?!?!?!?!
The craziest part of the whole thing is I love him love him love him. I know if he would get the treatment his whole world could change. I love him so much but I just can't take anymore. I have a traumatic brain injury from a car wreck and am legally disabled but I chose to overcome it and still be productive and work. He is well aware of what stress and craziness does to me. I hate that he now has no phone or anything but what choice did he leave me. He has already drained me financially to the point I feel like I have to start stripping to pay the bills and at my age (38) i would prefer not to. He says he is working on the side to his family but it is all lies and they just eat it up and believe him leaving me to be the witch who threw him on the street.
I am looking for a lawyer to try to annul the marriage or at least legally separate or divorce. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to ditch him but I have to take care of myself and my son. I don't know what to expect. Is he going to stay away or is he going to try to come back. If he went to treatment I would not divorce and he could still come home. We can work it out but I can't keep paying for him to be so cruel and the LIES are nonstop. The blame is always on me. Anyway. I'm sure you get the point and I'm sorry this is so long. Advise please!!! What do you do when you love them and want to help but are broke and helpless yourself.
Mischa <3
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 399
Oh my god sounds like we married the same man. He is a beast. Yes spot on sounds like he is very narcsissitc and even a pshychopath. My ex husband did the same thing to me until I went so crazy I had to get the police to help me because he was so controlling and had all these double standards I had no way out. Like you I had to pay for everything, like u everything was my fault, like you, I was going crazy. He sounds like an alcoholic and a narcissistic.. That's why it's so hard to get through to him..... Your dealing with two massive issues. I know you love him deeply but love won't ever fix him or this and it will only make him hurt you more... I am so so sorry this has happened to you... He sounds like a very selfish ******* and trust me when I say this... It's only going to get worse not better... Worse I tell you.. Run run as fast as you can. He has no respect for you at all
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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This is 6 weeks in? I know what I would do.
RUN. Far. Fast. Immediately. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. Do not accept any further contact or attempts to contact via 3rd party other than an attorney. Seriously. He is in NO WAY showing any true signs of wanting sobriety or recovery of any sort & this is a progressive action so right now you are getting the VERY BEST it will ever be until he makes those decisions on his own.
Any man that can continue to text his exes & coherently manipulate you this way is FULLY CAPABLE of finding his own way to sobriety. You cannot love him sober, no matter how hard you want to.
I'm so sorry you find yourself in this position, but it sounds like you went in eyes wide open to some extent so I thought you deserved the straight truth. I would cut ALL ties as soon as possible, seriously.
ETA - and definitely, definitely take some time to read through the stickies at the top of this forum. I think you could really benefit from Al-Anon or another type of group organization or individual therapy or whatever fits for you. You have a LOT of what we all identify with as "red flags" that point to codependency issues, IMO & some kind of therapy is likely to help you tremendously during this period of time.
RUN. Far. Fast. Immediately. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. Do not accept any further contact or attempts to contact via 3rd party other than an attorney. Seriously. He is in NO WAY showing any true signs of wanting sobriety or recovery of any sort & this is a progressive action so right now you are getting the VERY BEST it will ever be until he makes those decisions on his own.
Any man that can continue to text his exes & coherently manipulate you this way is FULLY CAPABLE of finding his own way to sobriety. You cannot love him sober, no matter how hard you want to.
I'm so sorry you find yourself in this position, but it sounds like you went in eyes wide open to some extent so I thought you deserved the straight truth. I would cut ALL ties as soon as possible, seriously.
ETA - and definitely, definitely take some time to read through the stickies at the top of this forum. I think you could really benefit from Al-Anon or another type of group organization or individual therapy or whatever fits for you. You have a LOT of what we all identify with as "red flags" that point to codependency issues, IMO & some kind of therapy is likely to help you tremendously during this period of time.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 256
Welcome to SR!
I am so sorry that your marriage started out this way. Sounds like you need to take a break and focus on just yourself.
You come across as a very strong person and have learned quickly that we can't save the A's in our lives. They have to want to be sober and until they do there is nothing we can do but save ourselves.
Seeking out legal advice on getting an annulment is great place to start. Have you attended any al-anon meetings? Something you may want to consider.
I am so sorry that your marriage started out this way. Sounds like you need to take a break and focus on just yourself.
You come across as a very strong person and have learned quickly that we can't save the A's in our lives. They have to want to be sober and until they do there is nothing we can do but save ourselves.
Seeking out legal advice on getting an annulment is great place to start. Have you attended any al-anon meetings? Something you may want to consider.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 113
So run run run and never look back. I hope i can figure out a way to divorce him. I'm afraid he will take off (especially since it is up to him to contact me now since I cut off his phone). It's all money problems now and I feel like he drained me financially on purpose so I would feel like we had to stay together. He didn't know me as well as he thought he did I guess. My son has been trying to find work but it's hard here in LA. I'm sure I will make it one way or another. He is a con man for sure. They wrap you up so tight and well you just can't believe it happened. I am college educated and a have an executive level job. I'm not a kid. How did I let this happen???? He really was smooth and perfect. I"m sure he has done this many times before.
Thanks for the advise. I have sought out some alanon meetings but so far have not been able to make any with my work schedule and my family was in town. I am trying to get to one. I'm sure the 1st one is the hardest one and after that it will get eaiser to "fit" it in my schedule. Everyone has excuses. LOL even me.
Thanks for the advise. I have sought out some alanon meetings but so far have not been able to make any with my work schedule and my family was in town. I am trying to get to one. I'm sure the 1st one is the hardest one and after that it will get eaiser to "fit" it in my schedule. Everyone has excuses. LOL even me.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 66
Just filed for divorce today. Found out he was an alcoholic/pill addict less than 2 mos after we were married. He stole thousands from me to support his habit. I should have gotten an annulment then...instead I now have 2 divorces under my belt.
Run and never look back. So few of them are able to stay sober and recovered forever.
Run and never look back. So few of them are able to stay sober and recovered forever.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 113
yensid - I tried to PM you but I haven't posted enough.
Did you stick it out for a while and it never got batter? I don't know why I'm having such a hard time just doing it. I mean I AM doing it but I almost want to give him some time with no contact and see what happens. It is really hard to get and annulment and you don't always win. Him being a drunk isn't enough. So I will end up divorced too and if that's the case why not just wait it out a little while to see what happens.
That's probably a stupid thing to think. I'm sure he will never change and it will only be a lifetime of cruelty. UGH.
Did you stick it out for a while and it never got batter? I don't know why I'm having such a hard time just doing it. I mean I AM doing it but I almost want to give him some time with no contact and see what happens. It is really hard to get and annulment and you don't always win. Him being a drunk isn't enough. So I will end up divorced too and if that's the case why not just wait it out a little while to see what happens.
That's probably a stupid thing to think. I'm sure he will never change and it will only be a lifetime of cruelty. UGH.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 494
6 weeks? I don't think you need a divorce - get an annulment. Now. You will be officially never married in the first place.
Annulment Versus Divorce | Nolo.com
Annulment Versus Divorce | Nolo.com
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Hi Mischa,
I am 4 years out from my heroic sacrificial ridiculous efforts to sober up the "love of my life" and now have the benefit of seeing how it worked our both him and I after breaking up.
Jails, rehabs, hospitals, counselors, drugs (every drug for addiction/recovery etc) doctors, AA, Christian counseling, pastoral counseling, more rehabs (over 10 total in the past 2 decades...4 while I was with him) and lets not forget the many medical detox's! Yes...it was simply dreamy being with the love of my life who "wanted to get sober". (now this is funny but ohhhhhh I believed this "quacking" that he quacked incessantly because quacking always got he wanted (enabler deluxe edition).
What I learned is rehabs can be helpful but they are just geopgraphy. Detoxes can help but that only STARTS the process of the getting the alcohol and drugs out of the brain and tissues. It can take up to 2 years to hopefully regain full brain function with nueralplasticity (new neural pathways through positive thinking, learning how to make good decisions rather than impulsive stupid decisions and most definitely learning how to live sober...hopefully with God at the center)
Sober is not recovery. Not all recoveries are equal... authentic recovery is the rarity usually. So don't pine over the "one that got away" to whoever that poor ex is in Russia. When your XA wants recovery he will look to find it on his own...then it will mean something!
And that love (the crazy swooning butterflies in the stomach kind) is chemicals dumping from our brains! When the recipient of our love is toxic, mean, lazy and thoroughly useless to us and humanity it is usually a broken picker (I used to have one!!! LOL)
The purpose of my story? Just losing the husband quickly is fabulous!!!! Dump him on his head (you are helping him find his own way out) but please do hang out and read the stickies, read books (we have bestsellers on SR focused on codependency and addiction) and check out Alanon.
You can develop a great sense of radar to pick out toxic men LOOONG before you want to marry them so you can help them medically detox and become a great husband. One of my favorite sayings is that RED FLAGS are NOT party favors so don't collect them!
You are doing great just its well known that it is HARD to shake an alcoholic once they get their claws in so don't be surprised if he shows up on your doorstep wth roses and chocolates declaring his undying love. Lock the door and come share on SR!
Good luck! Oh and my XA? He drank his way across the country and went to jail a few more times, had a heart serious heart procedure at 44, lived in penthouses gambling and lived on skid row a time or two. He is going into another program of recovery when a bed comes available and is now living with Mom. At 44 that translates as homeless. Almost married that guy and even still have the dress with tags. So... the word of the day is EJECT! EJECT! EJECT!
I am 4 years out from my heroic sacrificial ridiculous efforts to sober up the "love of my life" and now have the benefit of seeing how it worked our both him and I after breaking up.
Jails, rehabs, hospitals, counselors, drugs (every drug for addiction/recovery etc) doctors, AA, Christian counseling, pastoral counseling, more rehabs (over 10 total in the past 2 decades...4 while I was with him) and lets not forget the many medical detox's! Yes...it was simply dreamy being with the love of my life who "wanted to get sober". (now this is funny but ohhhhhh I believed this "quacking" that he quacked incessantly because quacking always got he wanted (enabler deluxe edition).
What I learned is rehabs can be helpful but they are just geopgraphy. Detoxes can help but that only STARTS the process of the getting the alcohol and drugs out of the brain and tissues. It can take up to 2 years to hopefully regain full brain function with nueralplasticity (new neural pathways through positive thinking, learning how to make good decisions rather than impulsive stupid decisions and most definitely learning how to live sober...hopefully with God at the center)
Sober is not recovery. Not all recoveries are equal... authentic recovery is the rarity usually. So don't pine over the "one that got away" to whoever that poor ex is in Russia. When your XA wants recovery he will look to find it on his own...then it will mean something!
And that love (the crazy swooning butterflies in the stomach kind) is chemicals dumping from our brains! When the recipient of our love is toxic, mean, lazy and thoroughly useless to us and humanity it is usually a broken picker (I used to have one!!! LOL)
The purpose of my story? Just losing the husband quickly is fabulous!!!! Dump him on his head (you are helping him find his own way out) but please do hang out and read the stickies, read books (we have bestsellers on SR focused on codependency and addiction) and check out Alanon.
You can develop a great sense of radar to pick out toxic men LOOONG before you want to marry them so you can help them medically detox and become a great husband. One of my favorite sayings is that RED FLAGS are NOT party favors so don't collect them!
You are doing great just its well known that it is HARD to shake an alcoholic once they get their claws in so don't be surprised if he shows up on your doorstep wth roses and chocolates declaring his undying love. Lock the door and come share on SR!
Good luck! Oh and my XA? He drank his way across the country and went to jail a few more times, had a heart serious heart procedure at 44, lived in penthouses gambling and lived on skid row a time or two. He is going into another program of recovery when a bed comes available and is now living with Mom. At 44 that translates as homeless. Almost married that guy and even still have the dress with tags. So... the word of the day is EJECT! EJECT! EJECT!
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I would think a court would annul/grant you a divorce without even asking many questions if you showed them that post.
So we're not supposed to give advice but yes, I would run like hell and not look back, ever.
So we're not supposed to give advice but yes, I would run like hell and not look back, ever.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by mischa1 
Did you stick it out for a while and it never got batter? I don't know why I'm having such a hard time just doing it. I mean I AM doing it but I almost want to give him some time with no contact and see what happens. It is really hard to get and annulment and you don't always win. Him being a drunk isn't enough. So I will end up divorced too and if that's the case why not just wait it out a little while to see what happens. That's probably a stupid thing to think. I'm sure he will never change and it will only be a lifetime of cruelty. UGH.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 66
Mischa, I did the typical codependent stuff when I first found out...not allowed to have cash, I baby sat him, nagged him...But he couldn't stop...little did I know that I couldn't make him stop. He went to outpatient stuff, therapy, but not AA. It wasn't for him. I kicked him out about 4 months into our marriage when I had had enough. He went to inpatient rehab for a couple nights and then came home. He did well after that. Intensive outpatient and therapy but still no AA.
He was sober for 1.5 yrs when I smelled it on his breath and caught him...I have a breathalyzer. I knew at that moment our marriage was over. I have 2 sons from my 1st marriage, we have no kids together (smart on my part!). I have to take care of me and them. I don't want to live this nightmare in a few weeks/months/years with them.
He's going to AA and seems to be working the program this time around but I can no longer trust him.
He was sober for 1.5 yrs when I smelled it on his breath and caught him...I have a breathalyzer. I knew at that moment our marriage was over. I have 2 sons from my 1st marriage, we have no kids together (smart on my part!). I have to take care of me and them. I don't want to live this nightmare in a few weeks/months/years with them.
He's going to AA and seems to be working the program this time around but I can no longer trust him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 113
Thank you everyone so much!!!! Your brain knows but your heart is stupid. I just needed a little encouragement from someone who has been here. This is the 1st support other than my son I have had. He just moved here a few months ago before that I was alone. A few friends but this is LA so not really. It's getting better and I'm trying to find a lawyer I can trust and afford. Tough to do when your money is all gone. Also looking into doing it myself with a paralegal doing the paperwork. I'm running as fast as I can. So thankful for you guys and my amazing 19 yr old son who has supported and cared for through this. He deserves a quick end to this and a happy California life and so do I. I'm sure I'll be back. I have a feeling he's not going to just go away this easy. I'm preparing myself taking vitamins getting lots of rest and certainly not drinking. Not after this.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 213
I'm sorry you have to go through this so soon in your marriage. Did I miss how long you've been together before getting married? The sudden turn in personality is amazing, isn't it? Something some of us here can say we are familiar with the whole scenerio.
I feel like you are still hoping your love for him will cause him to change. Who know, maybe so, BUT....... don't count on it. He has shown you who he is, and he waited until you were married to each other to reveal himself.
It sounds like you have a job that can support you if he's not using your credit cards. Listen to everyone here and get out while you can. If it is meant to be and he wants to be with you, he will start working on himself so he does not loose you. You can't make him want to, we know---- some of us here have waited 20 plus years, and probably thought at six weeks.... we could change unlike all "those other people" whose spouses wouldn't change
Stick with taking care of yourself and your son. Hang out here awhile you will learn alot.
Be well,
I feel like you are still hoping your love for him will cause him to change. Who know, maybe so, BUT....... don't count on it. He has shown you who he is, and he waited until you were married to each other to reveal himself.
It sounds like you have a job that can support you if he's not using your credit cards. Listen to everyone here and get out while you can. If it is meant to be and he wants to be with you, he will start working on himself so he does not loose you. You can't make him want to, we know---- some of us here have waited 20 plus years, and probably thought at six weeks.... we could change unlike all "those other people" whose spouses wouldn't change
Stick with taking care of yourself and your son. Hang out here awhile you will learn alot.
Be well,
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 399
I was obsessed with mine, now I am paying thousands and thousands of dollars to have lawyers and police protect me.. I never thought I'd live to see the day where I was literally falling to pieces just to be protected from the so called '"love of my life who was Gods gift to women". Please trust me when I say this... I am secretly hoping he disappears and forgets he has an ex wife and a child.. This from someone who obsessed over him for 4 years and suffered from chronic depression because he was the love of my life (so I thought) until the police, SR, the church, my therapists, his therapists and my lawyer explained to me, showed me and knocked some sense into to me to tell me he's dangerous, is using me, a criminal, a cheat and I need to go into hiding mode to get away from him.. That's how band the abuse was and I still suffer from PTSD as a result. As for the Russian ex, I wouldn't be surprised if he did the same to her, soon you'll become the ex and he will tell his current Girlfriend that she is **** and you were perfect - trust me on this!! Oh and he will come back to you at some stage so be prepared and want a booty call and then leave and then come back and on and on it goes
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Melbourne, Victoria
Posts: 215
Always remember action speaks louder than words.
Just observe what he does and pay scant attention to what he says.
You'll soon figure out which way to go.
Reading your extremely well written first post, I thought "this woman is smart, what is she thinking " then I read your second post about the "con man"
He must have that act absolutely down pat.
Obviously he revealed his true self pretty quickly.
If there is a silver lining anywhere in this story, it would be that.
Just observe what he does and pay scant attention to what he says.
You'll soon figure out which way to go.
Reading your extremely well written first post, I thought "this woman is smart, what is she thinking " then I read your second post about the "con man"
He must have that act absolutely down pat.
Obviously he revealed his true self pretty quickly.
If there is a silver lining anywhere in this story, it would be that.
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