Extremely Codependent Husband and Addict Son - At My Breaking Point
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Roy, WA
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Extremely Codependent Husband and Addict Son - At My Breaking Point
I am trying to get some advice before my situation reaches the point of total catastrophic nightmare. I have read quite a few other threads and at least know that I'm not totally alone. I also feel a lot more comfortable about my choice to detach from my husband and son 3 years ago.
The current situation is causing a lot of anxiety for 3 of my children and myself, luckily my 4 year old is unaware of the looming threat. My husband has been enabling our drug addicted son for many years. He takes codependent to a whole new level. This isn't news to me. However, he is now trying to bring our son into our home, which I have told him is absolutely not going to happen as long as the other children live here. The fact that he has asked me twice in the last week after I stated my position is unnerving to everyone in the house. He has also asked the other kids, in private, as he always does. They actually stood their ground and told him no, and I'm proud of them for that. We are all worried that he will ignore our requests and show up with him at any given moment.
There are many reasons it is unacceptable for him to be here, the biggest one being his history of violence with 3 of our children. After I walked in on him holding a knife to our younger son 3 years ago, I was done "giving him another chance" as my husband always begged me to. He has been violent with 2 of our daughters as well as myself. He has made death threats against all of us from the age of 10, when he first started using. He used to go into vivid detail with our younger son about how he was going to kill both my husband and myself whenever our younger son would catch him doing things he wasn't supposed to be doing. They lived in constant fear, and so did I.
My husband's father is currently dying, and I am terrified that he will bring him here despite what anyone else thinks about it. Since he is still using and has refused any kind of treatment programs, this is obviously a problem. My husband feels it is his job to protect him from making bad choices, even if it means giving up everything, his home, business, and family included.
My husband has had our son on his payroll for a few years now, which has cost him a few great employees. They couldn't stand to be around him since he was always high or coming down while at work. My parents have had to help with our living expenses while my husband has paid our son $3000 a month, which is enough to make just about any sane person pull their hair it I'm sure. He would not be able to keep a job anywhere else with his drug use and poor work habits. I don't see it as my husband's responsibility to "fix" this problem. I also don't appreciate the fact that he has been more or less paying for all of the drugs.
Our son is currently on ATC after he was picked up for USPS, something that I only found through public record. My husband hides things and lies more than my drug addicted son. He had 8 juvenile convictions, most of which my husband attempted to hide from me as well.
My husband has made a full time job out of protecting our son from any consequences, and has even blamed the other children and me, because it was our fault for leaving money or valuables out, or the kids shouldn't have told when they had been physically hurt by our oldest son. He has started getting very short with our two older children, and yelling at them for things that don't even make sense. They are beyond resentful.
I can't take much more of the lies and enabling. I know that our son has zero chance of recovery with my husband acting as he always has. I also know that our children don't need the constant anxiety. They also don't need the constant yelling and belittling from him. And I will not allow them to be subjected to having our oldest in the house for even 5 minutes at this point.
I recognize that my husband can't be talked into changing, and I have hoped and prayed that he would come to the realization on his own, as I know others have done it. I just don't know how much more I can take. I know it will only get worse when his father passes. I am afraid of losing our home if I leave him. Our children already lost their home in 2009 to foreclosure.
The biggest thing for me right now is not allowing our oldest son into our home. From what I have read on here, I have already said the appropriate things in the appropriate way. But I'm open to any suggestions. I have 3 children that are afraid of being killed, or afraid that their parents will be killed, and it's just not acceptable at all to me. He is supposedly off of the meth right now, but he is drinking and using pot. I am not convinced that this is true, but my husband is. He has been using meth for 8 years, but does every other drug he can get his hands on, including heroin. If he is cutting back usage, it is to avoid doing time in jail while on ATC.
Has anyone made it out intact? Or has anyone had an enabling spies initiate change on their own? Also, I assume I am doing the right thing by protecting our 4 younger children, but if anyone disagrees, I am willing to listen to any reasonable argument. Thanks in advance.
The current situation is causing a lot of anxiety for 3 of my children and myself, luckily my 4 year old is unaware of the looming threat. My husband has been enabling our drug addicted son for many years. He takes codependent to a whole new level. This isn't news to me. However, he is now trying to bring our son into our home, which I have told him is absolutely not going to happen as long as the other children live here. The fact that he has asked me twice in the last week after I stated my position is unnerving to everyone in the house. He has also asked the other kids, in private, as he always does. They actually stood their ground and told him no, and I'm proud of them for that. We are all worried that he will ignore our requests and show up with him at any given moment.
There are many reasons it is unacceptable for him to be here, the biggest one being his history of violence with 3 of our children. After I walked in on him holding a knife to our younger son 3 years ago, I was done "giving him another chance" as my husband always begged me to. He has been violent with 2 of our daughters as well as myself. He has made death threats against all of us from the age of 10, when he first started using. He used to go into vivid detail with our younger son about how he was going to kill both my husband and myself whenever our younger son would catch him doing things he wasn't supposed to be doing. They lived in constant fear, and so did I.
My husband's father is currently dying, and I am terrified that he will bring him here despite what anyone else thinks about it. Since he is still using and has refused any kind of treatment programs, this is obviously a problem. My husband feels it is his job to protect him from making bad choices, even if it means giving up everything, his home, business, and family included.
My husband has had our son on his payroll for a few years now, which has cost him a few great employees. They couldn't stand to be around him since he was always high or coming down while at work. My parents have had to help with our living expenses while my husband has paid our son $3000 a month, which is enough to make just about any sane person pull their hair it I'm sure. He would not be able to keep a job anywhere else with his drug use and poor work habits. I don't see it as my husband's responsibility to "fix" this problem. I also don't appreciate the fact that he has been more or less paying for all of the drugs.
Our son is currently on ATC after he was picked up for USPS, something that I only found through public record. My husband hides things and lies more than my drug addicted son. He had 8 juvenile convictions, most of which my husband attempted to hide from me as well.
My husband has made a full time job out of protecting our son from any consequences, and has even blamed the other children and me, because it was our fault for leaving money or valuables out, or the kids shouldn't have told when they had been physically hurt by our oldest son. He has started getting very short with our two older children, and yelling at them for things that don't even make sense. They are beyond resentful.
I can't take much more of the lies and enabling. I know that our son has zero chance of recovery with my husband acting as he always has. I also know that our children don't need the constant anxiety. They also don't need the constant yelling and belittling from him. And I will not allow them to be subjected to having our oldest in the house for even 5 minutes at this point.
I recognize that my husband can't be talked into changing, and I have hoped and prayed that he would come to the realization on his own, as I know others have done it. I just don't know how much more I can take. I know it will only get worse when his father passes. I am afraid of losing our home if I leave him. Our children already lost their home in 2009 to foreclosure.
The biggest thing for me right now is not allowing our oldest son into our home. From what I have read on here, I have already said the appropriate things in the appropriate way. But I'm open to any suggestions. I have 3 children that are afraid of being killed, or afraid that their parents will be killed, and it's just not acceptable at all to me. He is supposedly off of the meth right now, but he is drinking and using pot. I am not convinced that this is true, but my husband is. He has been using meth for 8 years, but does every other drug he can get his hands on, including heroin. If he is cutting back usage, it is to avoid doing time in jail while on ATC.
Has anyone made it out intact? Or has anyone had an enabling spies initiate change on their own? Also, I assume I am doing the right thing by protecting our 4 younger children, but if anyone disagrees, I am willing to listen to any reasonable argument. Thanks in advance.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Ki KatieRose! I am the codependent enabler in our family and it darn near tore my entire marriage AND family apart! I was the one who begged, pleaded, lied, hid and almost deserted my family to "help" my oldest son. I believe codependency is a real disease and it takes both a realization of the powerlessness AND a willingness to let the addict fail. It took so much out of me, and our son really burned his bridges with us and has done two times in jail due to theft from our family. I want to encourage you to stand firm that your son NOT be allowed back in the home. I learned recently what an emotional toll having my son back home did to my youngest (17 YO girl).
Can you propose putting a restraining order or a "stay away" order in place for your children that would prohibit the son from coming within 500 feet of your home? That was in place for a while until our son was in rehab.
BTW, he is working on his recovery now, but I absolutely do NOT want him to move back. Too many bad habits (including my enabling behaviors and his stealing and lying) just slip right back on like a comfortable pair of old shoes.
Can you propose putting a restraining order or a "stay away" order in place for your children that would prohibit the son from coming within 500 feet of your home? That was in place for a while until our son was in rehab.
BTW, he is working on his recovery now, but I absolutely do NOT want him to move back. Too many bad habits (including my enabling behaviors and his stealing and lying) just slip right back on like a comfortable pair of old shoes.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Welcome to the Board, KatieRose.
I read your post, and it was like having my head violently snapped back. Usually, I do not like to give explicit advice to new members because I don't feel as if it's my place and members have to find their own path.
However, given the threat that your son presents to yourself and your other children, plus your husband's role in this mess, I'm going to make an exception to that rule. Take what you like and leave the rest.
I would get you and your children the hell out of there as soon as possible. There is no scenario that I see where you can trust either your son to not be a threat, or your husband to do the right thing in making sure your family is safe. And I hate having to type this. I really do. But extreme times call for extreme measures. There is more than enough evidence to suggest that your husband will not do the right thing. There is more than enough evidence that your son will never stop using drugs and being a threat to those around him. Thus, you get the hell out of there, and I would seek a RO against your son.
KatieRose, do not hesitate. Yes, he's your son. But he poses a threat to your safety and the safety of your children. If you husband wants to enable him, fine, but you and your children should not under any circumstances pay the price for your husband's willful negligence.
Do what you need to do. And please keep us in the loop as this progresses so that we know that you are safe.
I read your post, and it was like having my head violently snapped back. Usually, I do not like to give explicit advice to new members because I don't feel as if it's my place and members have to find their own path.
However, given the threat that your son presents to yourself and your other children, plus your husband's role in this mess, I'm going to make an exception to that rule. Take what you like and leave the rest.
I would get you and your children the hell out of there as soon as possible. There is no scenario that I see where you can trust either your son to not be a threat, or your husband to do the right thing in making sure your family is safe. And I hate having to type this. I really do. But extreme times call for extreme measures. There is more than enough evidence to suggest that your husband will not do the right thing. There is more than enough evidence that your son will never stop using drugs and being a threat to those around him. Thus, you get the hell out of there, and I would seek a RO against your son.
KatieRose, do not hesitate. Yes, he's your son. But he poses a threat to your safety and the safety of your children. If you husband wants to enable him, fine, but you and your children should not under any circumstances pay the price for your husband's willful negligence.
Do what you need to do. And please keep us in the loop as this progresses so that we know that you are safe.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
my goodness! it sounds as if you have not one but TWO threats....the older violent addicted son AND your husband. how very sad and scary for all of you.
that your husband is so willing to put the rest of you in danger, in harm's way, in preference for this one "child" is very disconcerting. his priorities are all messed up, and the other children suffer needlessly because of it.
i know you mentioned losing the home, or the home that was already lost....but sometimes we have to make tough choices putting SAFETY and SECURITY first and foremost and then cut our losses. if your husband won't keep you safe....then maybe safety lies elsewhere. no child should live in fear. and no parent should willingly want to put their children in danger. your husband's issues seem to run quite deep.
that your husband is so willing to put the rest of you in danger, in harm's way, in preference for this one "child" is very disconcerting. his priorities are all messed up, and the other children suffer needlessly because of it.
i know you mentioned losing the home, or the home that was already lost....but sometimes we have to make tough choices putting SAFETY and SECURITY first and foremost and then cut our losses. if your husband won't keep you safe....then maybe safety lies elsewhere. no child should live in fear. and no parent should willingly want to put their children in danger. your husband's issues seem to run quite deep.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
It doesn't sound like your husband or son are going to be making any changes without some kind of outside help and that doesn't seem like something either one of them are willing to do.
I would suggest you begin making some plans on where you might go when he brings your addicted son home. Do you have family, friends or the means to relocate yourself and your other children?
I would suggest you begin making some plans on where you might go when he brings your addicted son home. Do you have family, friends or the means to relocate yourself and your other children?
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Katierose,
The others are right, please think of yourself and your other children. A RO is a good idea, since it would allow you to call the police should your husband allow your son to return home. If your husband insists on supporting the addicted son, then that is his choice and there's not much you can do, except to make sure it is not under your roof.
I wish you the best...
The others are right, please think of yourself and your other children. A RO is a good idea, since it would allow you to call the police should your husband allow your son to return home. If your husband insists on supporting the addicted son, then that is his choice and there's not much you can do, except to make sure it is not under your roof.
I wish you the best...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: East Coast
Posts: 83
KatieRose,
What an awful situation. My heart goes out to you and your children at home.
I have a difficult situation with my adult son who showed up to my home (3x) while I was on a business trip with a hand gun. The younger siblings were there and it was essentially his opportunity to terrorize them.
I agree with the others, that you have to put the safety of you and your children first. Even if that means RO. Are you able to relocate the kids for the short term? It sounds like things are on a spiral.
Praying for safety.
qwer
What an awful situation. My heart goes out to you and your children at home.
I have a difficult situation with my adult son who showed up to my home (3x) while I was on a business trip with a hand gun. The younger siblings were there and it was essentially his opportunity to terrorize them.
I agree with the others, that you have to put the safety of you and your children first. Even if that means RO. Are you able to relocate the kids for the short term? It sounds like things are on a spiral.
Praying for safety.
qwer
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
KatieRose,
Please know, your children need someone to stand up for what is right for them. It is not right for them to live in fear and in a hostile environment, nor is that right for you.
I too would get an RO and get away from this entire mess. If that means leaving your husband, that is what it would mean for me.
I am so sorry, I cannot imagine all of the awful feelings you must be dealing with in this situation. Huge hugs. Please stay safe!
XXX
Please know, your children need someone to stand up for what is right for them. It is not right for them to live in fear and in a hostile environment, nor is that right for you.
I too would get an RO and get away from this entire mess. If that means leaving your husband, that is what it would mean for me.
I am so sorry, I cannot imagine all of the awful feelings you must be dealing with in this situation. Huge hugs. Please stay safe!
XXX
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Roy, WA
Posts: 2
Thank you for all of the responses. My father in law did pass on Thursday, which has been very hard on the whole family. I am hoping that whatever he's going to court for on Monday carried some actual jail time with it. I don't think he can be bailed out this time, since he was already out on bail and violated the terms of release. But I do know that my husband will try to find a way, like always.
I want our children to be safe. My 17 year old daughter and 14 year old son have already been through enough because of him. I refuse to allow even a chance for it to recur. I'm also not at all ok with the stress and anxiety his very presence would cause. Honestly, I don't even want him knowing where we live, but I'm sure my husband has told him.
Even before the drugs, at the age of 8, he was violent with the other kids. It wasn't typical sibling rivalry or fights. It was death threats, attempted poisoning, and all kinds of hell. Law enforcement did nothing but refer us to CPS, who of course determined that our terrible parenting was to blame. We have 4 other children that are quite well behaved and loving, so I know that this is not the case.
I also had to search every pawn shop in the county for my wedding ring, which I eventually found and had to purchase for $975. My husband yelled at me for leaving it on the kitchen counter...in my own home, which I think I should be able to do. That was 2006. I never did find my husband's wedding band. I'm sure it was melted down, as it had no stones. I could make a joke about that, but will leave it alone for now. My husband seems totally ok with this. He has stolen from all of the other kids, including the youngest. We were poor, and I do mean poor, after she was born. My mother had bought her some outfits from a local chain. I made the mistake of not cutting the tags off right away. He returned them for a gift card and sold it for cash, as he commonly did with things he would steal.
I refuse to be terrorized in my own home. More importantly, I refuse to let ther same happen to my kids. I too often wonder why he seems to have zero concern for the safety of the other 4. I doubt I will ever know.
As for the RO, I know that if I attempt to get one, it will most likely end with my husband kicking me and the kids out. He blames us for our son's problems, blah blah blah. I'm sure it's somewhat familiar to everyone here. I don't have anywhere to go. My parent's house is across the street, quite literally, and that isn't far enough. If I start setting aside money, he will notice, since he is quite the control freak. I do kind of feel stuck. I also would prefer to not end my marriage, but at the same time, I can't continue as it is. There is no communication, he lies a lot to cover for our son, and goes great lengths to make sure I am blissfully unaware of the reality of what he's doing. I love my husband, but the situation has got to change. I thought it wouldn't be so much of a problem once he was 18, but it is clear that he will always take priority, even if it causes the other children harm.
Does anyone know of any resources for getting out of a situation like this? Would there be any chance of getting my husband some help? He needs it desperately, but I don't think that me pointing it out will likely help anything. I am of the understanding that codependents often need to hit their own rock bottom and realize their need for change.
I want our children to be safe. My 17 year old daughter and 14 year old son have already been through enough because of him. I refuse to allow even a chance for it to recur. I'm also not at all ok with the stress and anxiety his very presence would cause. Honestly, I don't even want him knowing where we live, but I'm sure my husband has told him.
Even before the drugs, at the age of 8, he was violent with the other kids. It wasn't typical sibling rivalry or fights. It was death threats, attempted poisoning, and all kinds of hell. Law enforcement did nothing but refer us to CPS, who of course determined that our terrible parenting was to blame. We have 4 other children that are quite well behaved and loving, so I know that this is not the case.
I also had to search every pawn shop in the county for my wedding ring, which I eventually found and had to purchase for $975. My husband yelled at me for leaving it on the kitchen counter...in my own home, which I think I should be able to do. That was 2006. I never did find my husband's wedding band. I'm sure it was melted down, as it had no stones. I could make a joke about that, but will leave it alone for now. My husband seems totally ok with this. He has stolen from all of the other kids, including the youngest. We were poor, and I do mean poor, after she was born. My mother had bought her some outfits from a local chain. I made the mistake of not cutting the tags off right away. He returned them for a gift card and sold it for cash, as he commonly did with things he would steal.
I refuse to be terrorized in my own home. More importantly, I refuse to let ther same happen to my kids. I too often wonder why he seems to have zero concern for the safety of the other 4. I doubt I will ever know.
As for the RO, I know that if I attempt to get one, it will most likely end with my husband kicking me and the kids out. He blames us for our son's problems, blah blah blah. I'm sure it's somewhat familiar to everyone here. I don't have anywhere to go. My parent's house is across the street, quite literally, and that isn't far enough. If I start setting aside money, he will notice, since he is quite the control freak. I do kind of feel stuck. I also would prefer to not end my marriage, but at the same time, I can't continue as it is. There is no communication, he lies a lot to cover for our son, and goes great lengths to make sure I am blissfully unaware of the reality of what he's doing. I love my husband, but the situation has got to change. I thought it wouldn't be so much of a problem once he was 18, but it is clear that he will always take priority, even if it causes the other children harm.
Does anyone know of any resources for getting out of a situation like this? Would there be any chance of getting my husband some help? He needs it desperately, but I don't think that me pointing it out will likely help anything. I am of the understanding that codependents often need to hit their own rock bottom and realize their need for change.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
Katierose...I can only imagine. You are dealing with two very sick people. Your husband is such a codependent that he can't see himself as an individual with boundaries.
I am wondering if you son has been evaluated in regards to his mental health-given the history and being 8 years old with his death threats?
The situation is quite common but at different extremes....some are worse and some are better. Sometimes, both parents are equally severe. Perhaps leaving him some reading materials: Codependent No More by Melody Beattie; Boundaries for Adult Children by Allison Bottke. Or offer to go to a support meeting with him....for the both of you?
I do believe "letting go" is a process. It was for me. However, I did have boundaries, in some form.
I have a son, daughter, and husband in recovery (all less than a year). I understand.
I am wondering if you son has been evaluated in regards to his mental health-given the history and being 8 years old with his death threats?
The situation is quite common but at different extremes....some are worse and some are better. Sometimes, both parents are equally severe. Perhaps leaving him some reading materials: Codependent No More by Melody Beattie; Boundaries for Adult Children by Allison Bottke. Or offer to go to a support meeting with him....for the both of you?
I do believe "letting go" is a process. It was for me. However, I did have boundaries, in some form.
I have a son, daughter, and husband in recovery (all less than a year). I understand.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 220
I've not been in your exact situation, so I only know what I've read and learned here.
Consider consulting with an attorney. It cannot hurt and they can help you to know your rights. They may be able to help you with a plan. There was an inspiring thread yesterday/today about just that...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ney-today.html
Also, please contact a domestic violence helpline. Both your son and husband may fall into this category, but only you can decide. They can definitely advise you, and help you and your children if you want that help. There is physical abuse, emotional abuse, financial abuse etc. There are great stickies about this above as well.
Please be safe.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline | Abuse Defined
Consider consulting with an attorney. It cannot hurt and they can help you to know your rights. They may be able to help you with a plan. There was an inspiring thread yesterday/today about just that...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ney-today.html
Also, please contact a domestic violence helpline. Both your son and husband may fall into this category, but only you can decide. They can definitely advise you, and help you and your children if you want that help. There is physical abuse, emotional abuse, financial abuse etc. There are great stickies about this above as well.
Please be safe.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline | Abuse Defined
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I hope you call the hotline, I believe they will be of great help to you.
I don't know that you and your children would have to leave the home. You need to speak to an attorney just to know your rights. They normally will provide a consult for free. I encourage you to do this. You have been terrorized and your children have literally been terrorized and their lives on the line (poison, really?) There is help I am sure for your husband, but just as anything, no one can make him take that help. He has to want the help and be willing to be open to making changes in his own life. He has very strong denial and it's not easy to change that.
Please take good care of you and your children. Don't assume some judge would make you and your children leave your home.
Stay safe.
I don't know that you and your children would have to leave the home. You need to speak to an attorney just to know your rights. They normally will provide a consult for free. I encourage you to do this. You have been terrorized and your children have literally been terrorized and their lives on the line (poison, really?) There is help I am sure for your husband, but just as anything, no one can make him take that help. He has to want the help and be willing to be open to making changes in his own life. He has very strong denial and it's not easy to change that.
Please take good care of you and your children. Don't assume some judge would make you and your children leave your home.
Stay safe.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
As for the RO, I know that if I attempt to get one, it will most likely end with my husband kicking me and the kids out. He blames us for our son's problems, blah blah blah.
Your son is an existential threat to both yourself and your other children. Your husband is a willing enabler. As long as you and the other children are safe, that's all that matters.
Besides, if you're gone, that gives your husband a perfect opportunity to test his theory. Maybe when it blows in his face, he'll smarten the hell up.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Would there be any chance of getting my husband some help? He needs it desperately, but I don't think that me pointing it out will likely help anything. I am of the understanding that codependents often need to hit their own rock bottom and realize their need for change.
Would it help you for me to point out YOUR own codpendency here? With all that YOU have been through and all that your other children have been through - have YOU not hit your own rock bottom?
At this point I think your focus needs to be on YOU fixing you not on you trying to fix your husband.
Me personally, I could deal with the view from across the street!!!!!
Would it help you for me to point out YOUR own codpendency here? With all that YOU have been through and all that your other children have been through - have YOU not hit your own rock bottom?
At this point I think your focus needs to be on YOU fixing you not on you trying to fix your husband.
Me personally, I could deal with the view from across the street!!!!!
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