Mrrryah1

Ok. I know I post alot lately. But I need to stay close to SR right now!!!

Accepting my disease of alcoholism has been the hardest thing to do, in my life to date.

It's crazy, I think back to when I was 13 years old, and just starting to experiment with drugs and alcohol. The thought that I would "grow up to be an alcoholic/addict" never once crossed my mind. I knew (or thought I knew) that some day I would just grow up and decide to stop partying, drinking, etc. I would get my sh** together - because I'm a smart, determined, motivated young woman, and I would move on to the next stage in my life. I assumed I would mature, get married, have kids, have a great career, be happy and emotionally/mentally stable. A functioning individual of society.

It's difficult to come to recognize that you are an "abnormal drinker", when you've only ever experienced "abnormal drinking" firsthand - and when you surround yourself with other heavy drinkers (who may or may not be alcoholics, but appear to be engaging in the same type as drinking as you).

I believe I was an alcoholic from the first drunk. I won't ever forget it. Some older boys somehow got their hands on a 60 of Bacardi 151. I took a sip. Took another. Liked the way it started to make me feel. Next thing you know, I remember slamming it out of the bottle - literally chugging it - to the amazement of all of these older boys. "WOW - I've never seen a girl drink like that!!!" and it felt great. I felt alive and I loved it. (Never mind that a couple of hours later they had to drag me home to my friend's mom's house, vomitting uncontrollably and umm - unable to contain my bodily functions:\????) Overall, the next day, I STILL felt it was worth it. And I couldn't wait to do it again.

I think this is a good demonstration of the insanity of this disease when it takes hold. We remember the good and completely disregard the bad. Our own brains lie to us - tell us how the rush of dopeamine and adrenaline which accompanies a drink is worth any of the consequences we ultimately suffer as a result. Or maybe we don't consider the consequences at all. Regardless, it's all a lie.

I have no experience as a "normal drinker" but I don't think they feel the same way.

I think if I were to ask a normal drinker… "What would you do, if the next time you had a glass of wine, you blacked out, got in your vehicle, crashed your car and left the scene of the accident. You woke up the next morning and didn’t remember a thing, but you had cuts and bruises all over your body and you were half naked with some random stranger in your bed." (This may sound extreme but for many of us - probably not!!!)…. anyways if I were to ask a "normal drinker" this question. They would probably say "Wow. I don't know. I would probably not drink again." Or maybe they would say "Yeesh - next time I would make sure I didn't have more than one or two drinks!!!".

So let's take the person who says "Yeesh - next time I would make sure I didn't have more than one or two drinks!!!". I say "OKAY - so next time, you only have one glass of wine. And the same thing happens. Now what?". I can pretty much GUARANTEE that this "normal drinker" will just say "I would never drink again!!!" And here's the kicker - they actually WOULDN'T. (What a concept...)

But my brain works completely different from this person. I don't understand this person. I have BEEN in this situation and continued to drink, over and over again. Repeating the same action and expecting a different result. When it comes to alcohol - I am completely insane.

Likewise, the "normal drinker" doesn't understand me - or how my brain reacts to alcohol.

In any case. Back to acceptance. The Big Book says that it is the "great obsession of every alcoholic that he will some day control AND enjoy is drinking". I can certainly relate to this. That has been my great obsession and my number one problem for the last 8 years. I can't seem to let the thought go - that some day, some how, I will beat this thing. I will find a way to control my drinking - even slightly.

But every time, alcohol beats me down. It is my master. I take the first drink, and the second drink takes me. And then the third, the fourth, and every drink thereafter.

How much EASIER is it to just "give up". To just say - OKAY alcohol. You have me defeated. You won. I'm done, my white flag is raised.

When I think of it as a battle - me and alcohol - it's like stepping in the ring with a 20 foot tall monster every time I take that first drink. I get in the ring and I get beat down. Again and again. But I keep getting back in that ring. I am beaten to a pulp. I am emotionally, physically and mentally destroyed. Sometimes I stay out of the ring for a few days, but then I always get back in. How crazy? Why would one do that? Just stay out of the friggin ring and give up already!!!!!!!

By surrendering, we actually take back our strength, while that may seem contradictory. If I stay out of that damn ring I can function like a normal human being and stop getting beaten down constantly.

By accepting we can no longer drink again, accepting we are alcoholics, we surrender and we can move on. Acceptance is the answer. Surrender is the answer.

Back on day 8 and grateful to be sober today.

PurpleKnight

I tried to control my drinking for a long time, round and round in circles, made promises to myself like, I'll only drink at weekends, I'll have 2 alcohol free nights a week, 1 alcohol free night, only drink beer, only drink wine, the goal posts kept shifting and the promises kept being broken!!

Life got a lot more simpler, more black and white when I finally accepted that alcohol and myself needed to part ways, no more shades of grey, worrying and stressing over this week's promise!!

Now it's simply "I don't drink"!!

Anna

Yes, it's not a battle. It's just accepting that alcohol is no longer an option, ever. And, as you said, then you begin to move on.

Congratulations Day 8.

Soberwolf

I was trying to think of something but this nails it on the head

Findingtheway

Alcohol = succubus that will kill me.

Darn she's alluring...but she WILL kill me. I'm 7 days sober but drank the week before...4 of the 7 days.

Was trying to control it the whole time. Not enjoying it.

When I try to control it I can't enjoy it. The enjoyment is GONE.

Happy to be a week sober today. This is the first of many

Jupiters

good post M.
glad to hear you sounding stronger and more determined!
Day 9 today?

IOAA2

Hi and congratulations with your day 9.
Gal I and a lot of alcoholics can certainly identify with your post. I suffered for about 2 years in denial and the pain that I gave myself as a result. Fortunately that was a lot of years ago BFTGOG.
This thing we took into is certainly powerful, cunning and baffling. Even if we were told we have cancer and if we stop drinking it will go into remission as long as we stop, a lot will play games in their heads to try to continue drinking. Baffling!
I need to keep it simple and just not drink today.

BE WELL

Hobbers

Yeah, I think a lot of us (me, for sure) keep wanting to be able to 'drink normal' again. Or 'drink, and enjoy, and then stop' at just 'enjoyment' again.

I'm not fully there in my deepest recesses of my brain yet, but I know that I can't drink.

25 days today. Congrats on 8!

Mrrryah1

Yes Jupiter!! Day 9 today! Last night was a little rough - the thought of drinking kept entering my head. The mental arguing was quite comical and noisy.

"It's not like I'm actually going to NEVER drink again..."
"SHUT UP - stop thinking that way - all you have to do is think about today"
"Sure but what about tomorrow"
"STOP IT"
"Mmmmm wine"
"NO - think about living in your car and shooting drugs and hooking on the street. That doesn't sound so fun does it."
"But everyone drinks."
"Well I'm an alcoholic so I can't".

On and on and on.

Anywayz - I went to a meeting and it was a great one! Felt much better afterwards.

Glad to be day 9 sober today!!

Altoids

Great post, M1. Lots of good stuff right there. Congrats on Day 9 and beating down that AV last night!!!

Soberwolf

Hi mrrryah just want to say well done and the way your brain was thinking last night I went thru that that's where I found my hatred of alcohol I was like look at what has happened like look at me what have I become

Realise mrrryah that this is alcohol it isn't you of course it will try anything to make you drink and make you land flat on your ass

For a whole 9 days you have fought and if I was there now I'd give you a cuddle (friendly I have a gf) and it sounds like its paying off keep up the good work mrrryah

Jupiters

yup - the conversations can be quite entertaining to say the least. Good thing we are the only ones who hear them eh? LOL
awesome on Day 9 lady

Lionhearted1

As the old saying says:

When I was controlling it I was not enjoying it, and when I was enjoying it I was not controlling it..

FreeOwl

I find myself wondering a lot of the time.... are we really all THAT different from the "normal" person?

How many "normal" people have had a few too many, but keep on drinking? How many have said "boy, I'm not gonna drink again for a LONG time" but then drank the next weekend. Not DRUNK, mind you... but still felt the need to have a beer or two?

And how many 'normal' people actually go more than a few weeks without at least a drink or two?

I kind of wonder if it's not more like a spectrum. Like the only really "normal" is the people who never drink at all. In fact, if we simply look at nature, it is absolutely NOT normal to drink alcohol. It takes a conscious act of fermenting and filtering and distilling in order to purposely produce a toxic, mind-altering substance even to come up with alcohol (save for very low levels that may be found in some fermented foods naturally-occurring).

Once even "normal" people start drinking in life, it strikes me that very few ever go back to NOT drinking. It's only we who have fallen on the far, extreme end of the spectrum who wind up quitting...... those in the middle-to-low range keep on ingesting toxic substances for much of their adult lives.

None of this really matters a great deal, but it has been an interesting thing to consider as I've wrestled with not being 'normal'. Not being like others....

To recognize that, from a purely natural standpoint - my decision not to drink alcohol is more 'normal' than even the most controlled drinker's decision to drink any alcohol.

JD4010

^^^^Cattle sure like their fermented corn silage.

Of course, corn silage doesn't really occur in the natural setting either. Nor does corn, for that matter. It's kind of an awful plant, as I look back at growing it for decades.

birddog406

I would love it if my pre-occupation with alcohol would go away. Sometimes I find the pre-occupation more annoying than the cravings. I wonder what normal people think about all day?

Mrrryah1

I totally agree that it is a spectrum FreeOwl.

When I refer to "normal" drinkers, I'm actually referring to the people who can "take it or leave it". On the complete opposite end of the spectrum from us I guess. The people where it makes them feel woozy & uncomfortable to have more than a beer or two.

I know these types of people, but I don't know many of them. My mom for example. She has one beer with dinner almost every night & it never turns into more. I've seen her drunk once in my 27 years of living. There is no craving, no obsession for her. She literally has no interest in the "effect" of alcohol - she drinks for the taste of that one beer with dinner.

But I have many co-workers & friends who haven't seemed to face any serious consequences from their drinking, and occasionally will just go for "a beer or two", but also binge every other weekend. I think these are the "hard drinkers" that the big book of AA talks about. They aren't alcoholics, but they're somewhere inbetween "normal" and "alky". They may or may not progress into full blown alky one day.

I guess we will probably never understand the spectrum fully. All I know is that I am definitely full blown alky. The obsession is clear, and once I put even a drop of alcohol into my system, the craving is overwhelming. Can't use anything in moderation - that just aint me!

Definitely an interesting topic though

Nonsensical

Hang on, my friend, and you will find out.

I believe it was the night of day 82 when I was getting into bed and the thought hit me; I didn't think about drinking all day today. The exhilaration I felt at my first taste of freedom was better than any beer buzz I ever had.