netta1966

I've been living separate from AH for over a year now. I hit my rock bottom after his last rage. He's still drinking. Was attending AA meetings now very few and far between. I wonder sometimes if the AH has multiple personalities or could it be part of the disease? One personality wants to quit and talks highly about AA, the other one says he doesn't like the meetings. They don't help and puts it down. To me, part of him is in Denial big time! But enough of him. I'm still attending Al Anon at least twice a week. i finally had the courage to move the rest of my belongings from the house. Which lifted me up some. However, there is a small feeling of guilt i have. Also, the hope for our relationship is diminishing as i see him just get deeper in it. I guess i keep hanging on to what we had (the good part) and afraid to let it go. I've managed to detach from him more and finally came to realize i'm powerless over it. But I'm still struggling with me. And sometimes the easiest way to stop feeling that is finding someone else (which is not the solution) I think i'm trying to escape from it all. I would love to hear from you all. Any advise or share your experiences.

Thanks

biminiblue

You'll let go completely once you get tired of feeling awful.

At least that was my experience.

What are you holding onto?

lillamy

Well... in my case, my ex has a diagnosed mental illness and probably at least one undiagnosed one. And I think that's sort of what I realized after I left, and he decided to get sober (for a while, to try to get me to come back) -- that even sober, he was a narcissistic jerk with violent tendencies. The alcohol just sort of took the cork out of the bottle and let the genie grow to its full size, so to speak.

My story is different than yours -- you separated and are considering divorce. I left one night and filed for divorce the following morning. But it didn't come out of thin air.

I was in such denial for such a long time. Years. But when I knew, I knew. I'm not sure I've told the story of the turnaround point for me, when I knew beyond a doubt that I was done, but it included AXH being abusive to one of the kids. See, I wasn't able to see clearly what he did to me until afterwards. But when he crossed a line with the kids, I made up my mind to leave.

I planned: I was going to straighten out my finances, I was going to stash away enough cash for first and last month's rent and a deposit on a small apartment, I was going to sort through all my stuff and get rid of unneeded stuff, and then start moving things he wouldn't notice to a friend's house. And then he went batty one night and threatened us all and I just ran.

I think I went through what you're going through now before I left. I think I worked through a lot of the "can he get better?" and "what ifs" long before I actually left him. So I basically had the divorce papers signed before the door slammed shut behind me that night.

I found working through my thoughts and feelings with a therapist was really helpful. Because living with an A so warps your thinking that sometimes, you don't know what's sane and what's nutty -- and having someone else sort that in piles for you... that helped me a lot.

lillamy

Oh, one more thing: A lady in Al-Anon said something to me (while I was still married to and living with AXH) that stuck in my mind -- she said "since I gave up hope, I feel a lot lighter."

Hope was what made me cling to a dead marriage. Hope was what made me stay and wait for him to get sober. Once I gave up that hope -- everything got clearer.

netta1966

Good for you!!!!

hopeful4

What are you feeling guilty about? It seems to me you know it's over and just don't want to move on, and that's ok. I think you should take all the time you need, but you should do yourself the service of finding out why you are hanging on. If he has not changed in a year it's not likely he will.

Good luck to you.

SparkleKitty

I knew it was time when I finally accepted who he was instead of hoping he would be who I wished he would be.

It was okay for him to not be ready to stop drinking, and I accepted that. It wasn't my life or the choice I would make. It was my choice to stop waiting, to stop enabling, to stop trying to fix him and to just let him go and move on.

netta1966

i see him as helpless (like a child). I guess i would make a better mother than wife to him. And I realize that's my problem. My thnking is if i let go completely, he will not be able to function. i know one day, i will let go completely. It's just really sad and scary for me. Thanks

hopeful4

I had the same exact fear, that if I left my XAH would spiral out of control. I finally realized that even by my staying that likely would happen, did I want to be there to catch him, could I do it? The answer was no.

You live apart from him already, that is huge. I suggest you look at what you need out of life in the future.

So sorry....XXX

netta1966

This is exactly the words i needed to hear.

SparkleKitty

You are not the Cause, Control Mechanism, or Cure for his issues. I know how you feel, but this is classic codependency. As he drinks to avoid dealing with his issues, we focus on our A's to avoid dealing with ours.

But from a practical standpoint, you have already left and he is still keepin' on. A's are extremely resourceful. He will find his way without you, and you will be free to find yours.

healthyagain

I am sometimes wondering the same thing. Is it alcoholism or his personality or a combination of both? I wonder what happens to that loving guy who loves reading and music when the bad guy comes. But, both guys are him. And the bad guy is stronger at the moment. Now, there is also the third guy, the depressed one that really worries me most. I think this third guy is the true him, the sick man who needs help. Professional help. Those two guys might only be the masks he likes to wear.

And when you say "a part of him is in denial," no his whole self is in denial.

First you must find happiness within yourself. Do not look for it in other people. And I know what you mean. Finding someone else, falling in love, being high on love, that sweet feeling. I long for it. But you really must fall in love with yourself first. Find out who you are, what do you want in life, what motivates you, what are your dreams.

Honestly, I think you should get your mind of your AH. Think about yourself, what you like to do, maybe travel, see the outside world. Surround yourself with friends, find a new hobby, treat yourself like a queen.

firebolt

It is really really difficult to come to the realization that we have been forming our lives and planning our futures dependent upon the potential of our partner. Sometimes we marry them and have children with them based upon their potential. We even often love them based upon their potential.

It is even more difficult to realize all the lies we told ourselves, take responsibility for our part in the situation, and then just stop, and move on for a better future.

I don't have any advice - just empathy. I think that anyone that emerges healthy and alive on the other side of this mess deserves a medal, and combat pay. (((HUGS)))) You are not alone.

dandylion

netta....I must say...I am impressed with how you have grabbed the bull by the horns..LOL.

I've noticed that when a person is willing to take action in a direction that will benefit them....the prognosis for them is really good.
(if everything stays the same--nothing changes).

You will get through this.....just fine....

dandylion

netta1966

I remember you had some really good responses to my previous posts. Thank you for commenting and I especially like the part about grabbing the bull by the horns.. :

Pia

Mine was when I was calm in heart and mind and one day a little voice In my head said to me enough is enough. I knew then things were going to change.

I decided to stop being a hostage in this miserable marriage. I didn't want to be a victim anymore I wanted to be a survivor. It didn't happen overnight or even a month then from that point but every day I grow stronger and more secure in myself.

the friends here have really helped me along the way and they see things that I don't but I know their advice is coming from a good place.

SeriousKarma

In my heart I'm a hopeless romantic, and have imagined every possible scenario to spin a happy ending out of the nightmare of my husbands addiction.

But I'm also a realist, and knew the flaw in my thinking. So, to keep myself in check I gave myself a very real, and practical date to work with. It was his retirement from the military. I set my eyes on that date. For about three years leading up to it I prepared myself emotionally, by going to Alanon, and therapy. I still hoped and prayed he would have a turn around, but I found myself less and less vested in it as I approached that date. Then within one week of his retirement I filed for divorce.

Having a date worked for me. If I'd have waited for a sign I'd still be waiting. If I was good at recognizing signs I probably never would have married him in the first place.

atalose

I think hope is the only thing stronger then fear. We get stuck like deer in headlights while feeling fear so we replace it with hope. We then get stuck in hope.

It's often said here......it's always good to have hope....but hope is not a plan. And when we begin to life on hope alone, it's time to address reality.

My reality felt like I was a prisoner in a jail cell with a crazy out of control drug addict with no way out. Fear, responsibility, guilt kept me locked in there.

There was a way out, ME, I had the key in my pocket the whole time all I had to do was use it.