Wavering the Fence - Do I Tell Him I am Moving
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 261
Wavering the Fence - Do I Tell Him I am Moving
The dead is done. I have signed a lease. The guilt is overwhelming knowing I am hiding the fact I am moving from him. I am not renewing our lease here and have not told him for fear he will freak out. I wake up every morning wondering if not telling him I am leaving him is the right thing to do and it stabs at my conscience day in and day out. I am afraid he will manipulate me into staying or he will take everything out of the house. I keep wavering back and forth, "Tell him? No I can't tell him. But I can't not tell him. I can't lie. I can't be so cool knowing I am planning to leave." I am leaving him with 2.5 weeks to find a place to stay after I have left. The lease is up here 01 Oct and I am moving 13Sept. I don't want to leave him high and dry with no place to go since everything is in my name.
If I could just do this without feeling so BAD about leaving him blind sided. He is back to nice guy till the weekend. I know he is lying to my face when he speaks. On Monday of this week, he said he was done using and he was using again on Tuesday. Knowing this, for some reason, I still feel compelled to be up front and say, "I want a separation until you get help." Even though I know this is a downward spiral.
If I could just do this without feeling so BAD about leaving him blind sided. He is back to nice guy till the weekend. I know he is lying to my face when he speaks. On Monday of this week, he said he was done using and he was using again on Tuesday. Knowing this, for some reason, I still feel compelled to be up front and say, "I want a separation until you get help." Even though I know this is a downward spiral.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am sorry you are experiencing this anxiety. I personally would wait until the day before you move to tell him, esp if you are scared about him taking your stuff. I would remove anything of real value before that.
He is getting ready to experience a consequence. That's ok. One needs consequences to even hope to ever have change in their lives. If nothing changes, nothing changes. YOU are getting ready to experience some well deserved peace.
Hang in there, it will be here before you know it.
XXX
He is getting ready to experience a consequence. That's ok. One needs consequences to even hope to ever have change in their lives. If nothing changes, nothing changes. YOU are getting ready to experience some well deserved peace.
Hang in there, it will be here before you know it.
XXX
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
His ONLY concern are his drugs/crack. He has a serious addiction to them and will do anything to protect that, you know this. He is paranoid, delusional and could become violent. YOU KNOW THIS... Start moving your valuable stuff now, because the minute you tell him, he will steal anything that is not nailed down.
if you are going to pity anyone, pity yourself because he has put you through so much crap. don't think that you can change anything, i would not wait an entire week, i would move now, because in a week he could be worse...and you know this.
if you are going to pity anyone, pity yourself because he has put you through so much crap. don't think that you can change anything, i would not wait an entire week, i would move now, because in a week he could be worse...and you know this.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i think you are forgetting just HOW resourceful addicts can be!!! he's a big boy, playing big boy drug addict, LET HIM figure out what he needs to do for him...and all you worry about is getting out SAFELY. picture ANY info or heads up you give him now as handing him bullets while he holds the .357. do not give him any ammo. do not put yourself in harm's way. i too second the idea of getting all valuables, pawnables, out now, and yourself as well. and don't give him your new address and directions!
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
I am afraid he will manipulate me into staying or he will take everything out of the house.
Don't.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Having exited a relationship with an active addict myself about a year and half ago the key will be in your planning and then your execution of that exit plan.
The basic plan is to NOT pack up the addict and bring him with you!!!! lol
Seriously some things you need to think about, furniture? What are you taking, what are you leaving for him if any? The move date, will he be at home or can you move while he is at work –which would be ideal.
You can’t afford to tell him to early because then 1 he can attempt to convince you to take him with you and 2 he can really flip out because now he’s lost totally control over you and this relationship. Bear in mind he’s not thinking clearly, the drugs are driving his train and you cannot TRUST his behavior at all.
Your post title says it all – wavering the fence – do you tell him…………..listen to that inner voice screaming at you and cautioning you about this.
It’s smart to remove all your valuables – jewelry, sentimental things, antiques etc. because nothing will be safe if he finds out or you tell him prior.
The day I left I only had my pocketbook with me when I walked out the door; everything else had already been removed from his apartment.
This man couldn’t live without me, was going to do A,B,C,D – whatever it took to stop me from leaving him. 16 hours later I was in front of a judge getting a restraining order.
BE SAFE – BE CAUTIONS – you are NOT dealing with a person you think you know.
Plan your exit wisely.
I’m not trying to scare you or say all relationships with active addicts end poorly but the truth is – they don’t.
The basic plan is to NOT pack up the addict and bring him with you!!!! lol
Seriously some things you need to think about, furniture? What are you taking, what are you leaving for him if any? The move date, will he be at home or can you move while he is at work –which would be ideal.
You can’t afford to tell him to early because then 1 he can attempt to convince you to take him with you and 2 he can really flip out because now he’s lost totally control over you and this relationship. Bear in mind he’s not thinking clearly, the drugs are driving his train and you cannot TRUST his behavior at all.
Your post title says it all – wavering the fence – do you tell him…………..listen to that inner voice screaming at you and cautioning you about this.
It’s smart to remove all your valuables – jewelry, sentimental things, antiques etc. because nothing will be safe if he finds out or you tell him prior.
The day I left I only had my pocketbook with me when I walked out the door; everything else had already been removed from his apartment.
This man couldn’t live without me, was going to do A,B,C,D – whatever it took to stop me from leaving him. 16 hours later I was in front of a judge getting a restraining order.
BE SAFE – BE CAUTIONS – you are NOT dealing with a person you think you know.
Plan your exit wisely.
I’m not trying to scare you or say all relationships with active addicts end poorly but the truth is – they don’t.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
What I am looking for on here is confirmation that moving out and getting into a safe environment is what I really need to do. I'm not abandoning my marriage, but I simply can't live with a crack addict, especially when I don't use drugs or alcohol at all.
Last time you let it slip to his parents that you were moving, and he managed to weasel his way in. I would give him ZERO notice. ZIP. ZILCH. For your own safety, Yogagurl. Stay strong. I KNOW you can do it!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I agree that it's not about "fair", it's about "safe".
Get your valuables and money to some place safe and maybe have someone with you for support, physical and emotional, the day you move.
Telling him won't change anything except it will put you in danger. Leaving is the MOST dangerous time in any breakup of a relationship.
Please keep the focus on yourself and stay safe.
Get your valuables and money to some place safe and maybe have someone with you for support, physical and emotional, the day you move.
Telling him won't change anything except it will put you in danger. Leaving is the MOST dangerous time in any breakup of a relationship.
Please keep the focus on yourself and stay safe.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
yogagurl.....I believe that it is o.k. not to spill all of your guts when it is a situation of SELF DEFENSE.
It sounds, to me, that this is what this amounts to...at the bottom line.
I understand you feeling that you m ust stick to a certain moral principle. But, think about this. Nuns are taught not to "lie", right?
During World War 11....the Church was responsible for saving thousands of lives by hiding people from the Gestapo...Many priests and Nuns deliberately misled the Gestapo and outright li ed, many times. The greater morality, here was to save lives.
I'm just trying to give you a different framework with which to look at this....
dandylion
It sounds, to me, that this is what this amounts to...at the bottom line.
I understand you feeling that you m ust stick to a certain moral principle. But, think about this. Nuns are taught not to "lie", right?
During World War 11....the Church was responsible for saving thousands of lives by hiding people from the Gestapo...Many priests and Nuns deliberately misled the Gestapo and outright li ed, many times. The greater morality, here was to save lives.
I'm just trying to give you a different framework with which to look at this....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: West Coast
Posts: 28
Get your stuff out and get out as quickly and as quietly as possible.
Move all valuables to safe location.
I am just echoing everyone else who has said it much more eloquently than I.
The stuff that isn't valuable, don't even worry about it. It is just stuff. It is replaceable.
Just worry about you and your dogs getting out.
He is going to continue to say stuff to you to try to get you to stay. You don't have to listen to any of it. You don't have to be nice to him. You just have to go when the time comes, that is your only mission.
He will have to figure out what to do. That is on him. It is all on him, and deep down he knows it, even if he tries to blame you in some way.
Do not feel bad for him. He is the one who should feel bad for all the lies. And deep inside, he knows it.
You are giving him two weeks to find a place. That is plenty of time. Don't second guess yourself. You are strong and you will do it.
Move all valuables to safe location.
I am just echoing everyone else who has said it much more eloquently than I.
The stuff that isn't valuable, don't even worry about it. It is just stuff. It is replaceable.
Just worry about you and your dogs getting out.
He is going to continue to say stuff to you to try to get you to stay. You don't have to listen to any of it. You don't have to be nice to him. You just have to go when the time comes, that is your only mission.
He will have to figure out what to do. That is on him. It is all on him, and deep down he knows it, even if he tries to blame you in some way.
Do not feel bad for him. He is the one who should feel bad for all the lies. And deep inside, he knows it.
You are giving him two weeks to find a place. That is plenty of time. Don't second guess yourself. You are strong and you will do it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Yogagurl,
Please don't warn him or his family or anyone, about the move. Get out and get safe. Get your dogs safe. All your other "stuff" is replaceable.
Don't give him an opportunity to manipulate you, again. This is HIS consequence not yours.
If he continues to play the blame-game...there's always a no contact order you can ask for, legally.
Yep, he's going down, and it's up to him to pull himself back up. Not you, let it go and start taking care of YOU!!!
Hugs
TF
Please don't warn him or his family or anyone, about the move. Get out and get safe. Get your dogs safe. All your other "stuff" is replaceable.
Don't give him an opportunity to manipulate you, again. This is HIS consequence not yours.
If he continues to play the blame-game...there's always a no contact order you can ask for, legally.
Yep, he's going down, and it's up to him to pull himself back up. Not you, let it go and start taking care of YOU!!!
Hugs
TF
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 261
Thank you so much for all of your comments!!!!! You have NO idea how empowering and how important the feedback is to me at such a crucial stage in my life. This is NOT an easy decision to make and I want to do what is moral and ethical to me while maintaining my safety. I will not be giving an address to anyone. No one in his family knows I am moving and the only person that knows I am moving in my family is my brother.
The GOOD news is that I have (maybe) 6 pairs of hands to help me move. The plan is to pack and move all in one swoop. I am having movers move me and several friends help pack in the same day. I am only going to be giving him a week and a half before Oct 1 because I really need one friend in particular to help, both morally and physically, get me through this and she is available the 20th. The way I figure, he has a truck and knows a ton of men who can help him move, as well as trailers that can transport his things. He can just put his things in storage until he finds a place to live permanently and 1.5 week should give him plenty of time since the majority of what is in the house is mine. He will really only have a bed, table, china cabinet, and what is in the garage (tools) to move. He should be able to move his things with two trips to a storage unit.
I am taking the dog. No questions about that. The dog is his (technically) but I’m really afraid he’s not responsible enough to care for the dog. I have bought every bag of dog food for our pets for the past year and I can count on one hand the amount of times my husband has purchased food and/or filled the bowls. It’s just not how he thinks – like refreshing the water bowl and make sure the dogs have exercise. My husband just doesn’t do things like that….
So, I’m not telling him, I have a handful of people I can count on to help me move, I’m giving him 1.5 weeks AND I’m leaving the utilities on in the house until the lease is up and he is out, I’m taking his dog, and I’m not leaving any information about where I am staying, just a note that says I can’t be a part of his addiction anymore. The other good news is that the house I am renting is in a gated community with security, so he won’t be able to get in even if he knew where I was staying. Additionally, the community is HUGE, with LOTS of houses, bending roads, side roads, etc. He’ll have a hard time finding me.
HUGE thanks to all who have read my rants and bouts of desperation for the past 4 years. I had been living with this addiction long before I posted. I thought I was at my breaking point then so you can only imagine what another 2-3 years will do. I can’t believe I have made it this long under these circumstances. God be with anyone who has walked in my shoes.
The GOOD news is that I have (maybe) 6 pairs of hands to help me move. The plan is to pack and move all in one swoop. I am having movers move me and several friends help pack in the same day. I am only going to be giving him a week and a half before Oct 1 because I really need one friend in particular to help, both morally and physically, get me through this and she is available the 20th. The way I figure, he has a truck and knows a ton of men who can help him move, as well as trailers that can transport his things. He can just put his things in storage until he finds a place to live permanently and 1.5 week should give him plenty of time since the majority of what is in the house is mine. He will really only have a bed, table, china cabinet, and what is in the garage (tools) to move. He should be able to move his things with two trips to a storage unit.
I am taking the dog. No questions about that. The dog is his (technically) but I’m really afraid he’s not responsible enough to care for the dog. I have bought every bag of dog food for our pets for the past year and I can count on one hand the amount of times my husband has purchased food and/or filled the bowls. It’s just not how he thinks – like refreshing the water bowl and make sure the dogs have exercise. My husband just doesn’t do things like that….
So, I’m not telling him, I have a handful of people I can count on to help me move, I’m giving him 1.5 weeks AND I’m leaving the utilities on in the house until the lease is up and he is out, I’m taking his dog, and I’m not leaving any information about where I am staying, just a note that says I can’t be a part of his addiction anymore. The other good news is that the house I am renting is in a gated community with security, so he won’t be able to get in even if he knew where I was staying. Additionally, the community is HUGE, with LOTS of houses, bending roads, side roads, etc. He’ll have a hard time finding me.
HUGE thanks to all who have read my rants and bouts of desperation for the past 4 years. I had been living with this addiction long before I posted. I thought I was at my breaking point then so you can only imagine what another 2-3 years will do. I can’t believe I have made it this long under these circumstances. God be with anyone who has walked in my shoes.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Hey Yogagurl,
You sound more grounded, accepting and ready to start all over. You got yourself a plan!
I'm so happy for you that you got out of there in time and in one piece.
Enjoy your new home and the calm living that lays ahead of you!
Hugs!
TF
You sound more grounded, accepting and ready to start all over. You got yourself a plan!
I'm so happy for you that you got out of there in time and in one piece.
Enjoy your new home and the calm living that lays ahead of you!
Hugs!
TF
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: West Coast
Posts: 28
Agree with Twofish--you sound great Yogagurl! This sounds like a solid plan. You have really thought it through. So glad to hear you have friends helping you through it, they definitely make this horribly hard stuff both physically and mentally a lot easier. Lean on them and trust them now, you will need them after you're out. Let them help you.
You don't have that much longer to go...only a few weeks. Just stay strong throughout. You got this!!
You don't have that much longer to go...only a few weeks. Just stay strong throughout. You got this!!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Just a heads up, maybe don't post any information here about where you are moving, you never know if he could try to read here (even if he cannot access your account) and get enough hints for him to figure it out. We don't need to know...although I must say it sounds like a nice secure play.
Good luck, this will soon be behind you.
Hugs
Good luck, this will soon be behind you.
Hugs
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