godlyma

My first post. Sober almost two years. AH of three years in detox for third time. Called tonight. Very manipulative. Wants to come home after 4 days. Wants to have freedom, does not want treatment or support. I think I see the beginning of the aftermath, but am still caught up in the hope that he will come to his senses. Ugh. I know I cannot have him come home to continue to wreak havoc In my and my two boys' lives. This means he will be out on the street in the big city (family lives 90 minutes away in housing supplied by my employer). I know I can't do anything to force him to change. I shouldn't have even picked him up and taken him to detox. He almost made me wreck twice even though it was his request to go to detox. Is it wrong for me to "abandon him" or am I setting a healthy boundary and allowing him to live with the consequences of his choices/actions? Not sure it matters, but he has no friends or family within 8'or 9 hundred miles, only aquaintences (my friends, aa folks he has met in his 2 or 3 meetings in the last year, and the folks who work in the detox and rehab he went to last year). Do I have to give up? Is there still hope? Am I drawing healthy boundaries?

TalenCrowhaven

This is so hard when you feel so helpless.

All I can offer is that you don't have to be angry or cruel to set and enforce a boundary. You simply have to be firm.

Hang in there. I'm sure others will be along shortly to lend support and personal experience.

You are not alone.

godlyma

He called again this morning from detox. He seems almost high. This time everything seems so different. Is it because they r detoxing him with Valium this time instead of Lithium (he was addicted to benzos and alcohol 9/12- first detox 2/13)? It's hard to believe he is being so manipulative over the phone. Where is the shame/guilt, where is the resolve to change, the confidence that he is on the right path? Where is my DH who was always so calm, responsible and wise when he got sober in the past? Today they are putting him back on ridalin. Does that mean no more Valium? Ugh.

redatlanta

He has only been detoxing 4 days so I would expect some whackadoodle behavior.

They use valium to detox because it helps prevent seizures. If they know what they are doing, and it sounds like they do, they get them off of it as fast as possible. Benzo's affect the same part of the brain as alcohol and are more addictive than alcohol.

Keep your boundaries. He may just be quacking right now a little out of his head. He is still there so hoping for you that he remains and gets better.

biminiblue

Maybe you could refuse his calls. Sounds like they are upsetting you more than comforting you.

godlyma

biminiblue, i could and possibly should as i bet they are upsetting more than comforting both of us. he is supposed to get out sometime today or tomorrow morning, however, so i need to know when to go get him and transport him to the rehab (they are 40 miles apart). i am at work now and moving on thanks

hopeful4

godlyma....I am so sorry. That sort of chaos makes for a lot of stress in your own life. There is a huge difference between detox and rehab. In my opinion, I would not let him come home after rehab either. Let him do some sober living on his own.

Tight Hugs.