Need Some Advice

Old 07-21-2004, 04:19 PM
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Walled Lake, Michigan
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Unhappy Need Some Advice

Hi my nane is Kim and I have been with my Fiance for almost four years and it seems that he can never get his act togeather for a long period of time. He has been to rehab for treatment for drug and alcohol abuse he stayed clean for one year and that was in 2001. Then he relapsed and caught a felony for a B&E. Then he clened up his act for a couple of months and then relapsed again on christmas eve with the use of alcohol. He has been on probation for the past three years with drug testing and everything. Last summer i found out i was pregnant with our daughter and during that thime he fell back into drugs and treated me really bad purposly so that i would leave him, but i didnt. I know that he is a wonderful person when he isn't on drugs. He quit doing drugs in febuary when he was caught trying to falsefy a drug test, and thought he was going to serve time, but the couet put him on a zero tolerance program. He finishe dthe program on monday the 19th and that night he went i got high with some friends and then came home and of course i knew as soon as he walked in the door. We got into an arguement and i told huim that i have had it and that i was leaving, i still here but i fell as if all he ever does is blame me and the fact that he has to lie to me waht he's doing and that we don't know who to communicate and if would work in communication he wouldn't have to lie to me. I love him with all my heat, but my heart keeps being broken and i don't know if i can stick around this time. He said that i selfish, spoiled and that i don't trust him and that i try to control him bnecause i don't let him hang out with his friends. That is because ebvery time he does he messes up and i have to pick up the pieces. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel lost.
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Old 07-21-2004, 04:42 PM
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Join Date: Jan 2003
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Hey Kimmy,
Welcome to Sober Recovery.
He can't be honest with you, that's part of the disease.
He's blaming you? That's blame shifting. By blaming you he doesn't have to take the rap for his part in all this.
There is nothing you can do to fix him or what's wrong with him.
If he's going to get clean, he has to want that and make a decision to do something to change his life.
You need to take care of you right now.
Coming here was a great start. Have you thought about Alanon meetings? That is a good way to meet people who understand what you're going through.
I'm glad you found us, stick around.
Gabe
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Old 07-21-2004, 04:48 PM
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Ann
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Well you've come to the right place, so welcome.

Take a read around the boards and you will see that there are many here who have been where you are. We have an expression called the 3 c's...didn't Cause it, Can't Control it, can't Cure it. And it's so true.

Nothing we do or don't do causes them to use, nor does it send them running for recovery. We are powerless over their addiction, their recovery and their screwed up thinking and abusive language when they are using. You have to know that it is the drugs speaking. Blaming you for every little part of his addiction is so much easier for him that taking a good look in the mirror and seeing the person who is really to blame.

But until they accept that they have a problem and until the pain of using becomes greater than the pain of staying clean, then they will continue to use.

Enough about him. There are many things you can do for yourself, to find your own recovery and regain your balance, and learn to live a healthy, happy life again, regardless of how he is doing.

If you haven't already been to a live meeting, give it a try. Al-Anon, Nar-Anon or CoDA are three wonderful fellowships full of people just like you, and just like me. I promise you that you will be glad you did.

And get yourself some good recovery books. Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie is one that we all swear by and helps us recognize WHY we are the way we are and what we can do to stop the codependent dance.

Don't let any of this overwhelm you. Just take everything one day at a time, and do something each day that is just for you and your recovery.

And continue to join us on our journey here. Walk with us and know that you are among friends.

Hugs
Ann
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