What I Realized in the ER
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What I Realized in the ER
DD14 called the ambulance for me in the wee hours of Sunday morning. I had been sick for a few days and then my digestive system completely malfunctioned in a way that terrified me. I wound up losing consciousness and hitting my head on the way down.
I am pretty fine now. Treated for severe dehydration. Ordered on bed rest for four days.
The day before ER, though, DD14 told me in front of the other children that she wanted me to remarry because she wants a real father. The others backed her up. I heard this from them before once, but not from her so much.
So in ER I am thinking about this. And a story someone recently told me about a man who died, but before passing told his wife to find the children a good father and remarry. She hated doing it, but she used an on-line dating service and kept at it until she did successfully find a good man to satisfy her children's needs.
I feel like I owe my children more. I could find them a father, too. I really don't want to. I want their father to get better. Still. I must be crazy.
For a brief period there, I had been convincing myself that these week plus visits with their father were going to work out. And in exchange I could have these times to myself and get a chance to let my hair down, so to speak. But xah may well get the right to unsupervised overnights revoked, so there goes that idea.
So I may just have to roll up my sleeves and go meet a nice man.
I sure am not looking forward to it, though. I don't want to be someone's wife again. I suppose I could attract someone and convince them to love us. But I don't believe I could feel 100% honest about it. I like my freedom and being single. I like keeping a romantic life for myself that is for me and won't get mixed up with my life as a mother. It's nice to have two separate lives for a change.
But I recognize that I am not the most important person here!
I am pretty fine now. Treated for severe dehydration. Ordered on bed rest for four days.
The day before ER, though, DD14 told me in front of the other children that she wanted me to remarry because she wants a real father. The others backed her up. I heard this from them before once, but not from her so much.
So in ER I am thinking about this. And a story someone recently told me about a man who died, but before passing told his wife to find the children a good father and remarry. She hated doing it, but she used an on-line dating service and kept at it until she did successfully find a good man to satisfy her children's needs.
I feel like I owe my children more. I could find them a father, too. I really don't want to. I want their father to get better. Still. I must be crazy.
For a brief period there, I had been convincing myself that these week plus visits with their father were going to work out. And in exchange I could have these times to myself and get a chance to let my hair down, so to speak. But xah may well get the right to unsupervised overnights revoked, so there goes that idea.
So I may just have to roll up my sleeves and go meet a nice man.
I sure am not looking forward to it, though. I don't want to be someone's wife again. I suppose I could attract someone and convince them to love us. But I don't believe I could feel 100% honest about it. I like my freedom and being single. I like keeping a romantic life for myself that is for me and won't get mixed up with my life as a mother. It's nice to have two separate lives for a change.
But I recognize that I am not the most important person here!
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Hi pippi
I admire your selflessness, but I would never let my children decide for me in these matters, and I think it would be unfair to go looking for a guy with the sole aim of providing a substitute father. I mean he may not bond with your children or vice versa.
Hope you're feeling better now.
I admire your selflessness, but I would never let my children decide for me in these matters, and I think it would be unfair to go looking for a guy with the sole aim of providing a substitute father. I mean he may not bond with your children or vice versa.
Hope you're feeling better now.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
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I believe that you need more rest, medication for your apparent anxiety and perhaps find a good therapist to discuss your issues. You come across as always so needy for male attention.
I've found that my life as many different facets, the kids are only one part.
I think your kids will be fine if they have one emotionally healthy parent, you can get there if you stop your competition to top yourself.
Get a job, get a normal routine, get to know yourself, stop the manic searching for men. Good things will happen if you heal emotionally.
I've found that my life as many different facets, the kids are only one part.
I think your kids will be fine if they have one emotionally healthy parent, you can get there if you stop your competition to top yourself.
Get a job, get a normal routine, get to know yourself, stop the manic searching for men. Good things will happen if you heal emotionally.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Originally Posted by Fandy 
Get a job, get a normal routine, get to know yourself, stop the manic searching for men.
I suppose I could attract someone and convince them to love us.
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I know you're not my biggest fan, Fandy. But I'm not as needy or messed up as you seem to think.
I am in some counselling, I have some work and a good routine.
Four children is a big number to carry and we are increasingly on our own. My father has dementia, my mother is old enough that she needs to really slow down, my sister is home-bound because of illness, my brother is underemployed. And xah's family are on the warpath against me, they are pretty much all alcoholics and xah himself is losing himself.
I want them to have someone they can count on beyond me and each other. I want them to have more roots here if we stay.
If I can find them a good father and they have asked me and dream of that, I don't know why I shouldn't begin to try. While I still manage to look young and healthy, especially.
I am in some counselling, I have some work and a good routine.
Four children is a big number to carry and we are increasingly on our own. My father has dementia, my mother is old enough that she needs to really slow down, my sister is home-bound because of illness, my brother is underemployed. And xah's family are on the warpath against me, they are pretty much all alcoholics and xah himself is losing himself.
I want them to have someone they can count on beyond me and each other. I want them to have more roots here if we stay.
If I can find them a good father and they have asked me and dream of that, I don't know why I shouldn't begin to try. While I still manage to look young and healthy, especially.
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So sorry to hear you've been unwell, glad you are on the mend.
My children would love me to be with someone who makes me happy.
The reality is, A lot of healing needs to take place before we inflict our dysfunctional selves on others. Children don't understand that, responsible adults should.
My children would love me to be with someone who makes me happy.
The reality is, A lot of healing needs to take place before we inflict our dysfunctional selves on others. Children don't understand that, responsible adults should.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
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I went through most of my life up to this point believing that relationships were the solution to my problems. Sounds like your kids have taken on this attitude as well. Being emotionally abandoned by an alcoholic parent wreaks havoc on a young mind. The answer to this is not a "replacement father."
Hugs Pippi. You've been pushing yourself pretty hard after a stressful summer. I know that feeling of wanting to throw in the towel and do the easy, comfortable thing, the thing I always used to do, find someone to take care of me. But what seems easy has always cost me too much of myself.
Take care. Your kids will be back in school soon, won't they? You've got a job lined up, your ex is about to be out of your hair if he isn't already. This pain and stress is temporary.
Hugs Pippi. You've been pushing yourself pretty hard after a stressful summer. I know that feeling of wanting to throw in the towel and do the easy, comfortable thing, the thing I always used to do, find someone to take care of me. But what seems easy has always cost me too much of myself.
Take care. Your kids will be back in school soon, won't they? You've got a job lined up, your ex is about to be out of your hair if he isn't already. This pain and stress is temporary.
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I have lived too much to think a year or two of therapy will make me all better.
I can live with where I am at. I like myself. I understand enough about how I have gotten to this place and I think I could have made worse decisions. If I wait for the perfect time to meet someone, it isn't going to happen. If I meet someone that really seems rightish, then I would certainly start some serious introspection and seek out expert advice. In the meantime, I might as well start trying for real. I haven't yet. I have been getting to know myself again is all.
Happy to say I am liking who I am.
I can live with where I am at. I like myself. I understand enough about how I have gotten to this place and I think I could have made worse decisions. If I wait for the perfect time to meet someone, it isn't going to happen. If I meet someone that really seems rightish, then I would certainly start some serious introspection and seek out expert advice. In the meantime, I might as well start trying for real. I haven't yet. I have been getting to know myself again is all.
Happy to say I am liking who I am.
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Originally Posted by PippiLngstockng
I know, ladyscribbler. But I lost consciousness a few days ago when I was sick and I thought I might not wake up.
And I had no answer to the question, 'who will care for the children if not me?'
And I had no answer to the question, 'who will care for the children if not me?'
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Originally Posted by PippiLngstockng
I know, ladyscribbler. But I lost consciousness a few days ago when I was sick and I thought I might not wake up.
And I had no answer to the question, 'who will care for the children if not me?'
And I had no answer to the question, 'who will care for the children if not me?'
I see one parent medicating with alcohol and the other trying to improve self esteem through looking for an ego boost at any opportunity rather than doing the hard work on the inside. A relationship is a bandaid in this scenario - and not a very good one. It's really unhealthy to be hell bent on seeking out men. I'm sorry, but I feel for the children. Why can't being content being a parent just be an option now? It's great you have social outlets, but why such a needy attitude towards men?
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If you passed away and there was no other option. Unless he had been declared totally unfit for some reason and lost or relinquished his parental rights. Legally he would have an advantage, even if your will named another guardian.
So the solution to this is to stay alive, keep moving forward and take care of yourself. Easy, right?
So the solution to this is to stay alive, keep moving forward and take care of yourself. Easy, right?
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I am in some counselling, I have some work and a good routine.
Four children is a big number to carry and we are increasingly on our own
it is not like they are toddlers, your son is 17? your daughter is 14? I forget how old the others are, but the youngest is 9? 10? not in diapers.
good that you are in some counseling for your own issues, perhaps you can discuss why you have this CONSTANT need to get involved with men when you are clearly in turmoil. Every thread you focus on this lately.
maybe give yourself permission to take a year off for yourself. it's not a matter of being your "fan", but YOU know that you have made some really bad choices and decisions, exhibited bad sexual behavior....it might be a product of your stress if you have done a complete 180 degree turn around.
you seem to have an obsession with your physical appearance and that you are attractive to men, it's like a contest you have with yourself to collect all the marbles from everywhere.
Your statements reflect always playing the victim in your statements, because your husband's behavior, his family is against you, you are all alone in the world with no food, no shoes for the "babies" (that you spent home up all night nursing while your husband ran around) your family is unable to offer help and emotional support...
BUT you are ready to run off to another country for vacation and not concern yourself for a week...
I hope you might see in yourself what others might be seeing, it comes across as desperate...EVERY thread you start is about you and men, not you and yourself, finding a career to support yourself, trying to find the best avenue or your kids.
Four children is a big number to carry and we are increasingly on our own
it is not like they are toddlers, your son is 17? your daughter is 14? I forget how old the others are, but the youngest is 9? 10? not in diapers.
good that you are in some counseling for your own issues, perhaps you can discuss why you have this CONSTANT need to get involved with men when you are clearly in turmoil. Every thread you focus on this lately.
maybe give yourself permission to take a year off for yourself. it's not a matter of being your "fan", but YOU know that you have made some really bad choices and decisions, exhibited bad sexual behavior....it might be a product of your stress if you have done a complete 180 degree turn around.
you seem to have an obsession with your physical appearance and that you are attractive to men, it's like a contest you have with yourself to collect all the marbles from everywhere.
Your statements reflect always playing the victim in your statements, because your husband's behavior, his family is against you, you are all alone in the world with no food, no shoes for the "babies" (that you spent home up all night nursing while your husband ran around) your family is unable to offer help and emotional support...
BUT you are ready to run off to another country for vacation and not concern yourself for a week...
I hope you might see in yourself what others might be seeing, it comes across as desperate...EVERY thread you start is about you and men, not you and yourself, finding a career to support yourself, trying to find the best avenue or your kids.
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That's a tough spot to be in. Have you any extended family - cousins, aunts, uncles that you could count on in a worst case scenario?
The strategy of finding them another father is not an easy one. Add to that that you do not wish to remarry. Sounds a bit conniving no? To find someone just with the intent of taking care of your children just in case……….And what if something happened to you - a step father doesn't have an obligation to take care of your children. Maybe he would, but maybe he would not.
Perhaps the most realistic idea would be to find a suitable family/friend guardian. Tie things up legally after your divorce. You should have a new will drafted now…. require a life insurance policy in a large lump sum from your AH naming you or your children as beneficiary, and to be sure that your divorce carried stipulations in the case that one of the other of you passes away while you have minor children.
Yeah reality is if you pass away or become incapacitated more than likely your kids would go to AH.
As LS stated the best thing is for you to take care of yourself and your health.
The strategy of finding them another father is not an easy one. Add to that that you do not wish to remarry. Sounds a bit conniving no? To find someone just with the intent of taking care of your children just in case……….And what if something happened to you - a step father doesn't have an obligation to take care of your children. Maybe he would, but maybe he would not.
Perhaps the most realistic idea would be to find a suitable family/friend guardian. Tie things up legally after your divorce. You should have a new will drafted now…. require a life insurance policy in a large lump sum from your AH naming you or your children as beneficiary, and to be sure that your divorce carried stipulations in the case that one of the other of you passes away while you have minor children.
Yeah reality is if you pass away or become incapacitated more than likely your kids would go to AH.
As LS stated the best thing is for you to take care of yourself and your health.
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I don't know how to say this gently, so i'll just say it.
If my kids said that to me my first thought would be "oh sh*t...they are taking on my issues. They think you need a man to be happy, fulfilled, safe, complete and cared for. Oh no...time to do more work and get them some assistance too, especially my daughters so that they learn that they are independently strong human beings that I hope share love, but don't NEED a man, any man, to be secure or happy".
I'd feel like I had failed....that even they think I can't look after myself or the, on my own. I'd be concerned that they don't feel secure.
A man is not a plan.
I GET the fear of what would happen to your kids if something happens to you. I'd be talking to a lawyer about what you can do. I'm looking to try to do what I can to have my son live with his sisters and their dad (my first husband who has agreed to take DS).
But reality is...even with a new partner and all the proof in the world of AH's incompetence/ danger he'd still get parental rights upon my death. I don't know the laws in your country/ state....but before you roll up your sleeves and find yourself a man on THIS premise I'd be doing some proper research.
And would you really marry a man, manipulate him in this way?
Sometimes I find justifications for unhealthy things I want to do that I think sound 'better' and more 'selfless' but when I really examine my motivations they are not nearly as pure. They are about feeding my own illness.
Hope you are feeling better soon.
If my kids said that to me my first thought would be "oh sh*t...they are taking on my issues. They think you need a man to be happy, fulfilled, safe, complete and cared for. Oh no...time to do more work and get them some assistance too, especially my daughters so that they learn that they are independently strong human beings that I hope share love, but don't NEED a man, any man, to be secure or happy".
I'd feel like I had failed....that even they think I can't look after myself or the, on my own. I'd be concerned that they don't feel secure.
A man is not a plan.
I GET the fear of what would happen to your kids if something happens to you. I'd be talking to a lawyer about what you can do. I'm looking to try to do what I can to have my son live with his sisters and their dad (my first husband who has agreed to take DS).
But reality is...even with a new partner and all the proof in the world of AH's incompetence/ danger he'd still get parental rights upon my death. I don't know the laws in your country/ state....but before you roll up your sleeves and find yourself a man on THIS premise I'd be doing some proper research.
And would you really marry a man, manipulate him in this way?
Sometimes I find justifications for unhealthy things I want to do that I think sound 'better' and more 'selfless' but when I really examine my motivations they are not nearly as pure. They are about feeding my own illness.
Hope you are feeling better soon.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Pippi - once you are on your feet you want to have an attorney draw up a will and set in place plans for your children if they are minors when you die.
All of us that have an incapacitated ex have these same fears. The attorney who did my estate planning is at a respected firm and it cost less than $500 for my peace of mind. My sister is my executrix. If I were to die before my youngest child is an adult, she will make the important decisions involving his care, which is my legal right as I have sole physical custody. I also purchased term life insurance, which gives me additional peace of mind that they would be able to complete their educations, as my ex contributes nothing to college expenses.
You don't need to obsess over these fears - would they give them back to him and so forth. Assuming your divorce is final, an attorney who specializes in estate planning can answer these questions and help you put plans in place now. Doesn't that sound better and far easier than finding a stranger who you hope will one day want to raise your kids?
All of us that have an incapacitated ex have these same fears. The attorney who did my estate planning is at a respected firm and it cost less than $500 for my peace of mind. My sister is my executrix. If I were to die before my youngest child is an adult, she will make the important decisions involving his care, which is my legal right as I have sole physical custody. I also purchased term life insurance, which gives me additional peace of mind that they would be able to complete their educations, as my ex contributes nothing to college expenses.
You don't need to obsess over these fears - would they give them back to him and so forth. Assuming your divorce is final, an attorney who specializes in estate planning can answer these questions and help you put plans in place now. Doesn't that sound better and far easier than finding a stranger who you hope will one day want to raise your kids?
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A man is not a plan.
But reality is...even with a new partner and all the proof in the world of AH's incompetence/ danger he'd still get parental rights upon my death. I don't know the laws in your country/ state....but before you roll up your sleeves and find yourself a man on THIS premise I'd be doing some proper research.
But reality is...even with a new partner and all the proof in the world of AH's incompetence/ danger he'd still get parental rights upon my death. I don't know the laws in your country/ state....but before you roll up your sleeves and find yourself a man on THIS premise I'd be doing some proper research.
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Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
So the solution to this is to stay alive, keep moving forward and take care of yourself. Easy, right?
Are you SURE that is the only choice?
Let me [not eat, and exercise a lot?] fall down, hit my head, and maybe I will think of another one.
============
Pip . . . .
Real Deal . . . . we all . . . or at least most of us, want some Prince or Princess to come over the hill and rescue us. Pretty much how I met Mrs. Hammer. I guess looking back, she wanted me to rescue her, too.
Does not work like that. At least that is what wiser folks than me say.
Some new *them* does not fix an old *them.*
This is a Between You (us) and God thing.
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I sure am not looking forward to it, though. I don't want to be someone's wife again. I suppose I could attract someone and convince them to love us. But I don't believe I could feel 100% honest about it.
Oh pippi, I believe everyone deserves truth and respect in their lives. Don't you?
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