How to deal with bad memories?
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 89
How to deal with bad memories?
Today marks 5 months of free from my abusive AXB. Still haven't gone to Alanon even though I know it will help. I don't want to deal with all of the emotions it will inevitably bring up. But I am still going to the DV support group which is a lifesaver. I wish it was specifically for victims of abusive alcoholics so I could get it all done at once. I'm also seeing a therapist.
Anyway- life is...ok. I just feel like nothing will get better. I wake up every morning and am thankful I'm free from him, but at the same time I have a million different emotions and memories all at the same time. It infuriates me that I will have to live with these horrible memories for the rest of my life. The lying, cheating, manipulations and broken promises. The physical and verbal abuse. The good days when we seemed almost normal. The days when I tried to comfort him as tears ran down his face. Searching for receipts and bottles of alcohol. Hiding his wallet. Dumping out half empty bottles as a scream and yell at him about how he's a loser and him beating me and then me feeling guilty for calling him a loser. The night he hit me in the head with a coffee mug until I was bleeding. The night he **** his pants and I had to get him into the shower, as he just stands there shivering saying he's sorry. All the vomit I had to clean up. The broken glass. The few times he threatened to kill himself if I left. The video I found of him having sex with another woman in our bed. The night he disappeared and I thought he was dead in a snowbank. The day he got out of detox last December, came home to find my stuff packed, and filled a bag to sleep out in his car. The night before he went to rehab, after we broke up, he spent it with someone else.
Over and over and over. I journal and try distractions but that only does so much. What do you do when the memories won't stop playing? I don't talk to anyone about what happened aside from therapy and the support group. I try to be positive and remind myself I cannot control what he did and focus on what I can control but it's so hard sometimes.
Anyway- life is...ok. I just feel like nothing will get better. I wake up every morning and am thankful I'm free from him, but at the same time I have a million different emotions and memories all at the same time. It infuriates me that I will have to live with these horrible memories for the rest of my life. The lying, cheating, manipulations and broken promises. The physical and verbal abuse. The good days when we seemed almost normal. The days when I tried to comfort him as tears ran down his face. Searching for receipts and bottles of alcohol. Hiding his wallet. Dumping out half empty bottles as a scream and yell at him about how he's a loser and him beating me and then me feeling guilty for calling him a loser. The night he hit me in the head with a coffee mug until I was bleeding. The night he **** his pants and I had to get him into the shower, as he just stands there shivering saying he's sorry. All the vomit I had to clean up. The broken glass. The few times he threatened to kill himself if I left. The video I found of him having sex with another woman in our bed. The night he disappeared and I thought he was dead in a snowbank. The day he got out of detox last December, came home to find my stuff packed, and filled a bag to sleep out in his car. The night before he went to rehab, after we broke up, he spent it with someone else.
Over and over and over. I journal and try distractions but that only does so much. What do you do when the memories won't stop playing? I don't talk to anyone about what happened aside from therapy and the support group. I try to be positive and remind myself I cannot control what he did and focus on what I can control but it's so hard sometimes.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hi meggy, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I also went to DV, didn't go to alanon. I guess in my mind I didn't want to excuse his egregious behavior on alcohol. It was him.
I question myself all the time as to what the h was wrong with me. I just wanted closure. I was never going to get closure. I am out now for lets see, 12/31/2008. Guess almost 6 years, been divorced 12/2010, close to 4 years.
Think sometimes I knew God knew I was strong enough. Boy, at the time going thru it I didn't feel that way. I also had cancer, 2 different ones at the same time, and deep vein thrombosis in between the 2 treatments. My life sucked.
But you know what, I was strong enough, and so are you. I look at those periods of time as God saw something in me.
I can come on this forum and I can offer empathy, I can go into hospitals and offer empathy. I can understand people better, or at least I try. From all this though, I have learned to love and respect myself and to not have expectations from another person.
It took me a long time to get there, I think at times I am still working at it.
I know they always say when one door closes, look for another that is opened. Perhaps we need to start looking for that opened door, and shut the doors behind us.
Walking with you
(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
amy
I question myself all the time as to what the h was wrong with me. I just wanted closure. I was never going to get closure. I am out now for lets see, 12/31/2008. Guess almost 6 years, been divorced 12/2010, close to 4 years.
Think sometimes I knew God knew I was strong enough. Boy, at the time going thru it I didn't feel that way. I also had cancer, 2 different ones at the same time, and deep vein thrombosis in between the 2 treatments. My life sucked.
But you know what, I was strong enough, and so are you. I look at those periods of time as God saw something in me.
I can come on this forum and I can offer empathy, I can go into hospitals and offer empathy. I can understand people better, or at least I try. From all this though, I have learned to love and respect myself and to not have expectations from another person.
It took me a long time to get there, I think at times I am still working at it.
I know they always say when one door closes, look for another that is opened. Perhaps we need to start looking for that opened door, and shut the doors behind us.
Walking with you
(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
amy
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Spinning circular thoughts are controllable - but it takes practice.
Have you tried prayer and/or meditation? Meditation is really helpful for me to calm the racing brain. I have to do it on a regular basis.
What about regular exercise? Yoga is really good, it combines exercise and mindfulness.
You can choose what you think about. It takes work.
In the meantime, has your therapist recommended anything? I don't think you necessarily need Al Anon if you have a DV support group and a therapist and you're journaling.
I hate to say it, but time takes time. That will be the ultimate healer.
Have you tried prayer and/or meditation? Meditation is really helpful for me to calm the racing brain. I have to do it on a regular basis.
What about regular exercise? Yoga is really good, it combines exercise and mindfulness.
You can choose what you think about. It takes work.
In the meantime, has your therapist recommended anything? I don't think you necessarily need Al Anon if you have a DV support group and a therapist and you're journaling.
I hate to say it, but time takes time. That will be the ultimate healer.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 284
Honestly, what has helped me most is making new memories. It's the dilution method, I guess you could call it. Those bad memories of mine still surface, but only in reference to how I respond to certain situations now. They are the the reminder that I'm entering an unhealthy situation for myself, or that I'm about to learn something else about my recovery. The more time goes by, the less I feel they define me. I know it's hard to be patient with the process.
Peace,
Fathom
Peace,
Fathom
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Still haven't gone to Alanon even though I know it will help. I don't want to deal with all of the emotions it will inevitably bring up. But I am still going to the DV support group which is a lifesaver. I wish it was specifically for victims of abusive alcoholics so I could get it all done at once.
I'm in no place to give you advice, obviously. I can tell you what I've done:
I focused all my attention on getting my kids help. I was in counseling, I went to Al-Anon, but then I stopped because... I told myself I couldn't afford counseling, and I really didn't have time for meetings. Ha! (I did, however, have time to spend three hours a day or so on Facebook...)
It's taken me four years to heal enough that I can start dealing with some of the garbage. Don't get me wrong -- Al-Anon and counseling probably saved my sanity if not my life during those years. But I still was only scraping the surface. Sort of like when you grate the rind off a lemon. I stopped before I got to the juicy stuff, because it scared me.
Maybe I wasted time and money that way. But one counselor I saw told me that you can't rush these things. That you have to handle what you have the ability to handle right now. And accept that yeah, it will hurt -- but you don't have to deal with more than you're capable of. Next week might be different. Next year might be different.
Some days, I engage in magical thinking and think "I wish this would all just go away. What if I had been a person who never married an abusive alcoholic?" and then I cry a bit because I made a stupid decision.
But I try to remember that everybody hurts. Everybody deals with something that's difficult. And that we all just try to plod along as well as we can.
So -- I've dealt with the memories as I've had the strength to. Without hurrying them on. Right now, I'm dedicating time every day to deal with and process memories. It's painful, but I'm also getting stronger.
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