LifeRecovery

Dear all-

I have been working my recovery hard for quite some time and overall I am pleased with the recovery I have made.

I have struggled with codependent behaviors since I was a small child. One of the biggest ones for me (and the hardest to let go of) has been wanting to smooth out the energy in the room. I want people to no be angry, fearful, sad or any other big emotion. For me this stemmed from being a sensitive child in a familly not rife with alcohol (in my parents), but certainly in untreated codependency. I did not like arguements especially growing up (in anyone), and avoided them like the plague.

I lived my life trying to smooth out those rough edges for those around me. Loving, marrying and divorcing my exAH while also struggling with a newly diagnosed friend with bipolar disease was my bottom. I have been swimming for the surface ever since. With both of these relationships I did similar behavior of taking on their problems, staunching the angry diatribes etc.

It does not feel good to not speak your truth. I decided some time ago that I was not going to lose another relationship because I was stuffing my feelings down so much that I let the relationship go.

Deciding to work with and deal with conflict has been really helpful, but in the last few weeks I have reached a new level of healing that I would like to hear other's experience with.

I decided after some time in a work environment to speak my truth. I did not do it perfectly, but to the best of my ability I said what I meant, meant what I said and tried not to say it mean. I did it face to face and I felt better immediately. It does impact my current job.

It has rocked this individual's (not surpriseingly) world. It has also rocked the office of five that he shares space with.

I am having a hard time with the fact that I threw a large bolder in a very small pond (I did not see the office involvement coming). I worked in the office that I rocked for 14 years, and only recently left that environment.

When I can step back I can see the positive ripples. I did not have all of the pieces understood and a lot of the frustration is not about me, but about conversations that the office has been unwilling to have....that they are now having.

On the other hand though I did the opposite of my natural inclinations....I made waves, I created conflict, I did not try to smooth it out, but I so want to calm down everyone's ruffled feathers right now.

I did not have any "conflict" in my life for 34 years, the last three I have made up for that (this is just one example). I am scared that I am unsually attracted to conflict now.

So my questions:
How has conflict changed for you as you have recovered? What did it look like, what does it look like now? How have you sat with some of these core/old emotions that are so difficult? Have you gone through periods of conflict in your life to have them simmer down after some time. Have your relationships (intimate, friendships etc) changed and how? What has growth in a core issue for you looked like (and recovery too).

Thanks for reading this, and any words of wisdom would be appreciated.

Denali

Ooooo....I am not far enough into my recovery to answer these questions but I have had them as well.

Looking forward to hear other's responses.

ladyscribbler

I have been able to stop taking responsibility for other people's feelings. I recognize my impulse to "smooth out the energy in the room" (great turn of phrase, I immediately knew what you meant) and am able to let things be what they are without feeling obligated to make everything OK for everyone else.
I also do better with conflict. I am able to express myself before things build up inside and explode, I am able to let go of conflicts in the middle and not feel like I have to get the last word.
My recovery has made a huge difference.

spia

I don't think this is off topic but, I'm no help as I'm still very early on in my journey. Hugs

Fathom

I have also noticed a difference in the way I deal with others I disagree with since starting my recovery. I realize now that I have opinions, and I've realized I have just as much right to voice them as anyone else. So, I do! This has won me the label "frank." I'm not mean when I state a contrary opinion, just matter of fact. I guess that's frank. It's all very new to me, but most people in my life now are new to me, so they don't know me well enough to expect any different. Ha!!!

Like all things in my life though, I am trying to learn the art of moderation, finding balance between my needs and my surroundings, and (perhaps) some timing and tact. But, overall, I think it is positive to speak up rather than stuff your thoughts down. I have too many examples of how the latter strategy doesn't work.

Good job facing this situation head on!!! They'll sort themselves out eventually.

Fathom

schnappi99

I have noticed that by improving my attitude in alanon the people I thought were annoying became much less so and pleasant to be around.

I don't trigger on politics, religion as easily and tend to disappear or become busy when the topics come up.

And I find a bunch of childhood issues and attitudes resurfacing and wtf it seems like 30+ years later that old stuff has been causing me and others grief the whole time. Most dramatically my old debilitating shyness has crept back turning sharing in meetings into a big act of will. I've been pushing myself to share even if its just about that, twitching- eyes downcast- often at a loss of words- sometimes confused for a couple weeks now. I'm working at it via the blueprint for progress book, just chipping away at the essay questions and journalling at the request of my sponsor. I think I understand where its coming from but we'll see when we get there.

So I find standing up and being as honest as you're able for the 1st time in many years causing upheaval completely plausible and good on you for doing it! Do it some more

lillamy

Hi LR -- this is where I am right now, and one of the reasons I've decided to dedicate time every day (hours, not minutes) to recovery work: I have removed the abusive A from my life, but my attitude to conflict is still identical. I avoid, distract, try to minimize. And it's not healthy.

I'm proud of you for speaking your truth in the workplace. That's what I ought to do, but I frankly don't have the balls. And it's come to a head because my workplace is severely dysfunctional and not unlike an alcoholic marriage.

But I wanted to thank you for your post, because I hope someone will come along with brilliant ideas.

FireSprite

This is verrrrry thought provoking, LifeRecovery. I have to ponder it for a bit because you bring up a very interesting dynamic in recovery that I hadn't thought of or maybe just haven't encountered yet in my own path. I need to step back & think of this in terms of my own experiences for a bit.......... thanks for the mind candy!

LifeRecovery

Thanks to all that replied. I am going to reply to some with quotes as they have helped me to settle in and think further about what I am asking and what I am feeling.

Part of me taking care of myself this week was me writing that down. On Saturday I also got really teary as I was looking at my contact list of people I could talk to this dynamic about. I have a lot of overall good relationships in my life. However many of them got started when I was all about shoving down emotions....and the people I choose don't do emotion well either.

Saturday I realized that I want some relationships that will give me some emotional connection. Luckily I did find two people that I could contact, and a third that I got back in touch with (she is the younger sister of a good friend of mine but has a hubby with etoh issues and is in the process of her own awakening). It was such a relief to get some of it out, to hear that it was transient (and I don't love conflict) but is about growth.

I have gotten a lot from Al-anon, but sometimes don't know/understand if topics not directly linked to alcohol are appropriate or not to bring up. Sometimes I feel like Al-Anon is about supressing emotion also and not feeling or toning down our emotions so I get confused.

I am coming to realize how important people willing to look at their own stuff is to me (though how they look at it does not need to be exactly the same). More soon, and thanks again.

I truly believe we all have these core issues (one of mine happens to be conflict). I think that for me as a young girl it was like a grain of sand placed in an oyster shell....it aggrevated me so I placed a protective layer over it time and time again. The pearl is pretty but deconstructing the layers is awfully hard.

LifeRecovery

Is there a particular aspect of your recovery that really helped with this lady? Was it a collective effort of many things?

I get that I should do this, want to do what you describe etc. I think I am doing okay with not doing the behaviors....but man the emotions that come up with are challenging and I would like to bridge that outside actions to inside feelings a little better.

LifeRecovery

I think I would be labelled "frank" or straightforward at this time in my life.

The person I had the inital interaction with has not known me long, and has no idea that I was a wallflower for so long. Many in the office do though.

That is part of what I am struggling with. Am I too frank? It is an office of very nice, very kind, loving people....but like me they have been unwilling to talk about the hard stuff....what I am no longer willing to do.

They are also young overall which I suspect plays a role in the dynamics too.

I think you hit on something...in part I am struggling because this is new, and I am trying it out on people that don't necessarily want what I am selling.

LifeRecovery

I am really begining to learn that if I have not dealt with it early it will sit and ferment as long as I let it. It is much more of a potent brew (pun intended) when I take it out and look at it.

Conflict has been that way for me, the way I hear shyness is for you.

ladyscribbler

I think it was understanding that I am not responsible for other people's emotions and reactions, especially the negative ones. I grew up taking the emotional temperature of a room, it was a survival mechanism, because my well being depended on the often inconsistent moods and behavior of the adults around me.
It didn't happen overnight, but I have gradually gotten more comfortable with letting others have their own emotions and not feeling like it's my job to smooth it out for them. When I get those feelings of unease because of anger or unhappiness from another person, I can acknowledge that they have a right to their feelings, but that those feelings are not a reflection of me.
I had to learn to recognize it, and then to accept that my feelings of discomfort did not mean I was obligated to appease others. I could remove myself from those situations instead, or otherwise choose not to engage the negativity.

LifeRecovery

Lillamy-

Reading your post I was struck with a saying Mike will often tell us. We continue where we are at until the pain of staying is greater than the place of changing.

Realizing that made me feel better.....because it helped to remind me that I would have been in discomfort either way.....but at least trying something new means I am not stuck (not saying you are).

It also brough to mind the Three As. You are aware of where you are at with this. I may have accepted pieces of it (but not the whole big picture), and so it was time for action. Now I get to reexamine.

LifeRecovery

oops pain of changing.

I see my therapist today and this has given me a lot of talk about.

Thanks

schnappi99

@LR, I think alanon meetings is where I learn to start expressing the stuff I've been stuffing or ignoring- if you're wondering about if you should be supressing something in a meeting I think it suggests an area of study. If its possible I would think its generally good manners to not fall apart in-group, yet our group keeps a box of tissues on the table for those who tear up while sharing.. it happens.. means people are working

I'm mid 40's, early in alanon I was very reluctant to talk with the young women in-group for fear of being the married & creepy old guy trying for 13th stepping. My 2nd meeting when things in my head were very dark indeed one of them a very pretty mid-20's girl in program about 6 months totally spoke my mind... so I had proof; things could change and improve for her, and so it must be true for me. The old-timers some with 20+yrs in recovery said things can get better and that gave me some hope but I was wondering how long and how much work... she showed me a timeframe.

In a very real way I had to overcome my shyness towards her to discuss things further.

LifeRecovery

I will again reply to some of the posts individually.

I had my therapy session on Thursday. I knew there was a reason my counselor was worth so much to me.

She suggested that maybe part of my problem is how I am framing these interactions. They are not true "conflict" where I am out to hurt someone or am intentially doing harm.

Rather they are me speaking my truth. She suggested maybe this is communication, not conflict that I am struggling with (which would make a ton of sense). Because of my history I am pulling my head out of the sand (with others nervous about communication also), and because there are emotions stirred up it is hard for me to sit with.

My early life was all about limiting emotions. Now if my communication brings them up I have to stay grounded in myself....regarless of what anyone else is doing. I have to start filtering a little more what is mine/not when I am in communication (I do okay overall with this).

She also helped me to see that in the big picture my truth creates opportunity for growth for others. That felt nice as a big picture idea but I need to internalize it a little more.

LifeRecovery

This is part of what I am struggling with. I don't do this anymore for every emotion a person has, but in this case I was challenged.

I have not been struggling with the emotion of the young man I talked to, but the flurry of emotions of everyone else in the office. I was prepared that he was entitled to his feelings but never saw the rest of it coming.

Thanks

LifeRecovery

Schnappi-

I have been fortunate. I have a great therapist versed in the ways of AA/Al-Anon, and she worked at an eating disorder center (an eating disorder was my original recovery work). It was after I had started working on that part that I got into Al-Anon.

Some of where Al-Anon gets tough for me is less about the program and more about the people that are in my group. I live in a place that is quite conservative, but just an hour away is a very liberal, very open (different state) part of the world. I am in general one of the youngest in the program.

I also started Al-Anon right before I left my AH, and don't have any active people in my life. I have the space as a result to be working on some of these challenges where others in the group are struggling with the day to day decisions of how to stay safe. I do bring up topics of emotion often as a topic (if there is not another one). Usually it is a good discussion, but just because I am willing to bring a topic to the table I don't want the group to be the "LifeRecovery" show.

I have so many forms of recovery on the table too that it is hard to know what is okay for Al-Anon and what is "off" topic.

Finally because of my situation I have done things very traditionally in Al-Anon, but other things not at all. When I get caught I can also bring this to my therapist.

In summary I want to get support within the framework that Al-Anon provides, not push against a great system that works. At the same time though respect myself enough to know that not all of Al-Anon works for me (or all of my recovery works for Al-Anon).

Thanks again.

ladyscribbler

Oh yeah. I struggle with this as well. The kind of "mob mentality" of feelings. Very hard not to get swept up in that. I still see that in myself. Wanting to go with the flow.
It can be resisted, that impulse. Not saying that like it's so easy, just do it.
For me it took practice. I had to practice living with the discomfort of not "going along to get along."
Basically I had to just deal with it, especially those first few times. Feel those uncomfortable feelings but still understand that it was not a personal reflection of me.
I chose situations where I had a genuinely strong feeling that maybe didn't agree with the "general consensus" and just stuck to what I really felt was right.
I used a lot of tools- Alanon, meditation, SR ideas, to stick to my guns. Each time it got a little easier. I'm still not crazy about conflict, but I can deal with it in a normal, adult fashion now.