spia

I feel like I am being manipulated again. Here is how. I keep hearing from different sources (I hope you are back with AH by such and such date).
Some say Halloween. Some say Christmas.

I have heard he would like for us to be a family and work things out by Christmas.

This makes me feel like if I don't do it...then he will be disappointed. And this makes me feel manipulated.

It also makes me feel like I have a due date that I should be 'healed' by. I hate that feeling. I am not moving back in with AH if and when I start to feel that it is right for us.

IT IS NOT RIGHT!!!

amy55

It is manipulation. This is your life. Your time frame. You don't have to be with someone you don't trust.

Haven't been around that much recently so I need to catch up on you. Just know we are all here for you. You need to do what is right for you, not someone else.

((((((((hugs))))))))
amy

ladyscribbler

This is happening because he endangered you and your child with his actions. He does not get to dictate the timeline. If he wants his family back he needs to be working a real recovery and earning your trust, not badgering and pressuring you through third parties.

amy55

Thank you for this update. I do need to read the threads that I missed.

Taking5

Maybe it is time to take action and make a permanent break - as in file for divorce.

AnvilheadII

I have heard he would like for us to be a family and work things out by Christmas.

which gives HIM sept, oct, nov and almost all of December to keep doing what he's doing............

ain't hearing much about what he is DOING now to be family-worthy by next weekend, much less Christmas.

you operate on YOUR timeline. nobody gets to dictate how you live your life right now, what you decide is best for you and the children.

ladyscribbler

I spent last summer separated from my ex while he was supposedly getting sober. Lots of pressure from him and others to return at the end of summer.
So I returned. He'd been drinking and lying the whole time. It was a disaster from the first night I got back.
This is his second chance if I'm remembering your previous posts. What do you want, for yourself and your baby?

whalebelow

You are also exhibiting control issues.

It's easy to blame the AH for all your feelings but you also need to look at your side too.

Because you have issues, not substance dependency ones, but issues none the less and so long as all your focus is on AH.... You never get to look at them.

Rosiepetal

How do you put a due date on
"One day at a time"?

spia

Yes, yes, yes. Every thing that has been said. It's so true.

First, this is our second seperation. I came homeand it didn't last. The first lasted twenty days.during that separation He was sober for a month at a time and then would relapse. But, all I knew was he was doing good.

Now, we have worse issues than before. As in I felt in danger and cut off contact. I'm ready for communication. But only because I feel guilty and saddened for my daughter.

He is supposedly going to meetings, cr, counselling, and even getting treatment for depression (which he never wanted to admit to)...

I want to work things out. And some days I don't. Most of the time I'm confused.

However, this forum has taught me that I need to look into getting help for co dependency. I never thought of that before. I do focus on him a ton. And am slowly learning I need to change my ways.

I think that I do have trust issues, great, controlling tendencies and any other thing that goes with me trying to change him.

But, I have been looking into al anon, cr, counselling, and purchased the book CO dependent no more today.

So now while I am sitting all this info out. I'm having to give answers to family. We both come from religious families where divorce is unheard of. My parents married for over thirty years. His over forty.

And I still believe in marriage. But I have to learn to be happy and content despite what anyone else is doing in my life. I think I'm addicted to him. The way he is addicted to alcohol. ?

ladyscribbler

I spent the summer reading everything here on SR (just lurking, too chicken to join) and hoping he was really getting better, despite all evidence to the contrary. Many times I suspected he was drinking, but I ignored all the red flags and went back anyway.
The house was a pigsty, he'd been drinking and letting his barfly buddies crash there. All the jewelry he got me had been stolen by his "good friends", he insisted that I leave it there when I left.
If I'd been more realistic. I would have spent the summer finding a job and doing what I had to do to make the move permanent, going to Alanon and not believing any of his bs.

spia

His family has spent time with him for some extended time and all swear they don't recognize him. Then there is the healthy eating and weight loss that I never thought possible. I'm hoping he is honest. But even if he is I still think he's not.

whalebelow

Have you read the book Alcoholics Anonymous?

It's not just for us alcoholic folk.

It's a fantastic read for anyone who is effected by alcoholic drinking.

spia

No, I haven't read that. But my list of books is growing and I mm really interested in learning. I want to get better. I need to get healthy. And my daughter deserves to have a happy healthy mommy.

whalebelow

All you need to read is 164 pages, it's fairly large print. 15 -20 minutes per chapter times 12.

It will give you a huge insight into understanding AH and if he is the primary source of most of your life's problems, then in my opinion that will give you a great relief.

whalebelow

Think of it this way.

If you want to know what's wrong with the family car.... Would you take it to a mechanic or a psychologist?

Self help books are the bane of dealing with alcoholism, cause that isn't what they are about.

schnappi99

The family dynamic is interesting. I am the codie, my wife C&C the RAH. Her family has approached me on a number of occasions since Feb when both of us started recovery. Being the big raging codie I started out as the news source.. detailed updates how we're doing etc. My 1st alanon meeting I was urged to not go into shop talk w/ the families about us because it is likely to end up being the only thing that I'd be talking about w/ them. Not to mention that it is not my business to report on C&C.

But there are wheels within wheels, the family members will reveal their character by their interest; a codie sneak-attack where they come to you for what he's up and the more details the better, or at the other end they may reaffirm that they are supporting you both and only desire that you tell them what you care to- exhibiting only a general interest in how things are going.

C&C pointed out to me today that some of the family is putting me in the role of a codie by approaching me with interest in her. Duh... forehead slap. Which means there is a communications boundary that I need to establish; something where I respond in a general manner about what she's up and suggest they talk to her directly. Begin the codie working something like that is like mixing oil and water... a very different attitude, but they say nothing changes if nothing changes so I'll be figuring something out.

ladyscribbler

My ex's family vouched for him as well. They had a vested interest in my return because they didn't want to have to take care of him.

Fathom

Hugs, Spia.

There is an AlAnon slogan that applies to this situation. "What other people think of me is none of my business." What matters right now is what you think. Only you have all of the information you need to make a decision. Nobody else does. They only have their perspectives, which may or may not be helpful for you. But, at the end of the day, this is your life to live. They have their own!

And, I think it's worth pointing out, these people are getting you back to your future tripping. Worry about October when you get there. We've barely started September! So much can happen in a week, let alone the eight weeks until Halloween! Be patient. More will be revealed.

Wishing you peace,
Fathom

Santa

Staying with my AH and then finally splitting when his disease was truly out of control - my daughter was 16 and it was incredibly damaging to her that I hung on so long. Her father disappointed her again and again and again. She internalized his drinking as her unworthiness (sound familiar)? I first thought of leaving when my kids were little and I should have.