amy55

So my friend, that was good enough to take me in and give me her house when I needed to leave mine, who helped me so much, there is no way I can repay her. She has a hoarder situation. Her brother-in-law. Her sister is still with him and married to him.

It all happened because her sister lost her job. Her sister did not know how they could pay bills because she lost her job.

My friend S, I'll call her S, started to help her sister with bills, by looking through them. She found out that they owed over $60,000 in credit card bills. She found out that when bro-in-laws parents died they left him a house and about $200,000. A lot of that is gone now.

So, S went to visit them. She couldn't get in the condo. There was too much sh!t in there to even walk. There was a 12 inch spot on couch to sit, with paper piled high on either side of that at least 3 feet high.

S called one of those hoarder removal places. It cost $12,000 to clean out condo. They also have 2 storage units that are filled to the ceiling that you can't walk into.

I visited my friend S this weekend, she was telling me this, and the work that she did, and that she is just aggravated. Her sister used to be OCD with cleaning, and now she was living like this.

She couldn't understand it, she couldn't understand why things seem to be going back to the way it was before.

I was listening to friend S talking to her mother. Her mother kept saying that her sister has a mental block, a mental illness, that she is depressed and can't even take out the garbage. Not to push her, to let them live like they live.

My friend S can't do this. Her sister is mentally slow, her brother in law is a hoarder, and is not capable of living by himself. She feels someone should show them or teach them some life skills, and she is so disgusted that she is trying to help, and everyone is telling her not too.

She doesn't want a thank you, she wants her sisters life to improve. Now I can understand all of this. In fact, I totally agree with her. S is talking about telling her sister she cannot live like this and just packing her up and taking her to her house. She is telling them that the board of health will condemn their condo and they will be homeless.

I know the 3 C's. Now we could have talked about this the whole time, actually we did. What I had to do, and I hate doing this, is to go back to the time when I felt controlled. What I was thinking, how I was reacting, how I responded, how I gave up, gave up on everything, especially life.

I was that person who just sat around afraid to do anything. (Oh, I didn't say this before, but BIL is very vocal about what he wants, if he wants 3 staplers in different colors that will not even come out of the bag, when they get home, he gets his 3 staplers). (It was all to shut him up). (and did I mention, he is a hoarder, ordering 50 books a month, plus at least 50 magazines, cd's, dvd's, action figures, omg, etc....a month. But as long as he was "happy".

So back to I was that person, minus my ex being a hoarder.

I remember sitting on a couch perhaps 20 hours a day. TV was on, or not, I never noticed. I had no motivation at all. I would try to get up to do something, and the "voices" in my head would start and tell me how stupid and ridiculous I was. So I sat back down. I lost hours at a time. I would get coffee at about 9. When I focused back into reality it was 3:45. He would be home soon. I was paralyzed. I never knew what I could do, what I couldn't do and what would set him off. So I did nothing.

I became afraid to cook, afraid not to cook, afraid to clean, afraid not to clean, I never knew what the b!tch of the day was. I became afraid to take my garbage out. I would hide in my garage and look for about 15 minutes to see if my neighbors were around. Once I felt they couldn't see me, I would take the garbage out, and sort of run back to my house to hide. I didn't want anyone to see me like that.

I was told that no one liked me, that all my friends thought I was just a horrible person.

So I went back to that place this weekend. I just wanted to tell my friend S, that her sister does appreciate her and the attempt she is making to make her life somewhat livable, but that her efforts may not be rewarded.

Her sister, from what I am hearing, just wants her H happy. Hoarding makes him happy, I can't imagine how he is when he is not happy. I think her sister may fear that also.

I don't think her sister wants a change, I did. It was just really hard going back to the place that I was in a few years ago.

This may be a bit disjointed because I had to go to the past, and relive that so I could help my friend understand mental illness.

redatlanta

Amy I am so sorry you went through that - and so glad you had the strength to get out.

Your friend has wonderful intentions, but she wants something for her sister that her sister does not want for herself. In fact, going in and disturbing a hoarders nest can do some major psychological damage. Its also unlikely to solve the issue and the house will go right back to where it was.

Perhaps your friend could offer her sister and husband some therapy with someone who specializes in dealing with hoarding. She may accept or maybe not but that's probably the best your friend could do.

amy55

I told my friend her sisters therapist (which she sees every 2 weeks) is either not working out for her, or her sister is lying to the therapist. Her brother - in -law, (the hoarder) will not go. The mother just wants everything left alone, because of how she will look and everyone will blame her.

I think I am just trying to help my friend at this point into know when to "give up". She just feels that she has to give it a try. I know what that feels like, I'm am trying to be there to cushion the blow for her when it doesn't work out.

I don't know what else to do. I'll keep going back to my past to show or tell her, what I was thinking or doing, (I am somewhat OK with that), I thought of a lot of things yesterday and today, that I kinda buried. I told her that if I wasn't ready, that no one could help me. She was wondering why her sister didn't return her phone call. I told her she is "hiding" from you. She is isolating herself. That at this moment he is home, and she most likely is more afraid of him, then you. Or we can put it another way, she wants to please him more, then she wants to please you.

I just need to be strong for her. She was there for me. But I can't BS her.

redatlanta

You are a good friend

amy55

I think I am now realizing how it can hurt so much more when it is your own family and you feel completely helpless.