dryfly

Hi, I have just passed my 90 day sobriety and am finding myself turned off by meeting zealots, the "If you don't totally surrender and do this or that you will fail" or "I know better than you do" types. Anyone one else dealt with this?

DisplacedGRITS

Have you considered that they do know better than you? Just curious. What are you doing that's bringing out the zealots?

Dee74

I'm just going to say welcome to SR dryfly

D

MelindaFlowers

If somebody has long-term sobriety I listen to almost anything they say within reason. My way wasn't working. That's for sure! Near the end I would have taken advice to stand on my head for 90 minutes a day if I thought it would help me stop drinking.

mecanix

It struck me that some people need to be zealots in order to keep sober ,

I wish them well in their journey and hope they keep sober .

m

DisplacedGRITS

All I know is that I tried to work the program my way for a long time. It didn't turn out so well. I had to get humble and ask for help then I had to get willing and do what I was told. My sponsor is younger than me but she's got 8 years sober, has a sponsor and had worked (and continues to work) the steps. When she suggests I jump, I ask how high? So far, I've gotten more out of these 5 months than I've had in several years of off and on sobriety. Sometimes, I need someone to tell me to pray when I don't want to and I need someone to "suggest" I go to a meeting. Right now, I want to stay sober so desperately that I'll do damn near anything. I don't fit sobriety around my life anymore. That's a recipe for me to build resentments and get drunk again. I build my life around my sobriety. That's the only way I've found to live in recovery and be honestly at peace.

Soberwolf

Most of my friends from aa are all aged around 50 and over and have between sober between 5-30 years

I ask for advice and do not have a problem doing so

Like dee for instance I've known dee around a month and I think within 48 h dee showed me something and I was amazed in a nutshell ...

I hate relapse I'm scared by it its not part of my recovery (something like that)

Dee put out a simple post that packed such knowledge I have listened ever since and glad I am tbh

Dee said relapse is part of my addiction not part of my recovery

I was gobsmacked amazed dumbfounded you know ? I got that by talking and somebody replying

And relapse doesn't bother me no more I know it can happen but dee help lift that it was guarenteed to happen off my shoulders and I deal with it knowing its part of my addiction not my recovery I tell ppl that today lol thanks dee

Dee has been a major reason why I love this site the first thing I noticed was dee helping a lot of ppl

Plus the eagles are awesome

LadyinBC

I personally don't think it is up to me to tell someone that they will fail or tell them how to do their recovery. If someone asks my opinion I will share what works for me.

I found I got lots of advice in early recovery that I didn't ask for. However, instead of getting upset or closing my mind to it, I would simply shelf it for the moment and bring it out later to ponder to see if maybe there was a different way I could look at it. And sometimes it did make sense at a later date.

Everyone's journey is different and people make their own way in their own time. Also some people are so happy that they have found a way to stay sober that they feel it will work for everyone else. Their delivery is probably not the best way, however, I think they do have good intentions. That is the way I try to look at it.

Don't let these people interfere in how you are doing your recovery. At the end of the day it is your recovery, you are not obligated to take any advice that you don't feel will work for you . You can simply listen, smile and walk away.

Edited to add: AND congrats on 90 days!

biminiblue

Welcome to the forums!

As is often said, pray for those against whom you have a resentment.

In the big book of AA, have you read the chapter in the stories in the back entitled, "Freedom from Bondage?"

I no longer attend AA meetings, and I agree some people are a bit pushy, but I think they have seen so many people who do not stay sober that they may feel they need to go to any length to help newly sober people remain sober. It's part of AA's mission. It may come off as pushy to you, but to them it is throwing a life preserver to a drowning person. You may only have one contact with them and they want it to be something that you can use.

I found my perspective changed over time. I really believe people in AA want to help. Sometimes all of us say things that step over other peoples' personal boundaries. I know I do; even though I really try not to offend people sometimes I inadvertently do just that.

IOAA2

Hi and congratulations on your 90 days.
I’ve been sober along with some friends for many years and have seen many come and more go. From the advantage of observation and personal experience of thousands of meetings there are some general healthy things that we do and know of that keeps people sober.
Go to a lot of meetings.
Staying away from places that we used to drink.
Keep alcohol out of the house.
Think about not drinking.
Have a phone list of sober people for help.
Ask for help and give help when needed.
Become active with a group.
REMEMBER WHEN.
EASY DOES IT
Make no big changes for the first year plus many more.

Like me there are many who think that following directions is admitting defeat. I found for myself that I didn’t know what I didn’t know and needed the directions of old timers whether I liked it or not.
It works IF we work it.

BE WELL

Notmyrealname

AS your long term sobriety gets longer term, you're less likely to get advice along those lines. When you're three years off the bottle I doubt anyone will give the doom and gloom predictions..
So that should fix itself.

Other than that, you could just tell them to shut it.

FreeOwl

welcome.

I find that my path in sobriety is my own. I take what people tell me and honestly search for how it may apply.

zealots? Well, I've not dealt with zealots exactly, but whenever the topic of faith or God arises, I have my own beliefs and understanding. I'm able to hear others' beliefs and have dialogue with them without it being a debate.

Sometimes, I find it best to simply listen and not respond at all. Or to respond with a simple "thank you for sharing your views".

Often times, some of the most helpful input comes wrapped up in messages we don't wish to hear.

mfanch

I had a lot of anger in the beginning. I wanted to pop a cap into any oldtimer that wanted to "talk down at" me. "Thank you for sharing" is an appropriate response.

Also, when I am disturbed the problem is in the mirror. Where are you in the steps?

Glad you are here.

ESD907

I can't really say, since I"ve never been to AA and the only people who know I had a problem/quit are here on SR. And any advice here is appreciated, doesn't mean I'll take it, but advice usually comes from experience. Many people will not simply dole it out because they want to hear themselves talk, they are trying to save you the aggrivation that they themselves went through. Usually no harm in trying it someone elses way once in a while. IF it isn't right for you, you'd know soon enough. For me, I equate it to losing weight, for years I tried. I always poo poo'd the advice of 'so called experts'. Well I finally did what they said, don't be drastic, small changes, and voila, I finally lost it. I used to want to hurry it up and lose it all in a week. and Great Going on the 90 days.

LBrain

It was around the 90 day mark when I discovered SR. I "quit" the 'aa' program. I wasn't really bought into it anyway but I was going through the motions. I still visit aa meetings once in a while. But I use SR a lot. I found out about AVRT and rational recovery through this site. Once I went through the 'crash course' I never looked back. I made a decision to never drink again no matter what. I didn't need to turn my will over to some 'higher power' in order to be in control of my life.
I did come across a few people in aa who said to me that as long as what I'm doing works and keeps me sober, that is what counts. Yeah, many throw the book at you - it's the only way they know. Others still preach you will die if you don't do the steps. It totally turned me off. If you can gain something from aa and it helps you great. If you are annoyed and turned off by it, find something else to help you remain sober. Some use both aa and other... Use whatever you need to. Do whatever it takes.

mfanch

The thing I have noticed that sober people have done is make a PLAN and follow the PLAN every day no matter what. My plan started as a hodgepodge of RR, AA, therapy, CBT, joining a gym, etc. And I DID them.

Today, at 5 years sober, I still do the plan (evolved version) every day. There are many paths to being sober and free. Pick one (or more) and do it 110%.

FreeOwl

I followed a similar path, LBrain....

I'm not bought into AA. But I've used it as one tool in a number of tools to learn more about struggles with alcohol, to be around others who understand, at times for support and motivation.

I believe in a higher power - though I don't truly understand it. I have experienced enough in my life to feel that there is definitely... 'something' unifying all of us and everything in the universe. I have experienced directly being able to interact with that 'something'. I don't believe it's a guy in a chair in the sky or even a singular consciousness..... but I have come to believe for myself in the 'somethingness that connects us all'. But I believed that before AA and I dislike the meetings that get too God-based.

Still, I find something in each meeting when I do go....

Altoids

I totally understand what you are saying. Once a gentleman I didn't really know came up to me to tell me that my problem was that I was "slothful in my prayer life." He went on to tell me how he knew this and what I needed to do to "save my life." I've also been told by AAers that is was evident to them that I was too happy (or too sad, or talked too much, or didn't share enough, or. . . .) which meant I wasn't being honest or taking recovery seriously enough.

At first this really upset me. Sometimes it still hits me wrong, but I just let it pass. Like Lbrain said, AVRT was a huge help for me. I still go to AA for the face to face accountability, but am able to not be swayed into a resentment by "helpful" folks who know my life better than I.

LOL - the other day I was told DURING THE MEETING about a character flaw I apparently have. Yep, called out DURING A MEETING. I'm really tall and it difficult for me to find pants that fit well, so I wear dresses and skirts most of the time. I was told I was trying to be "better than" bc I wear dresses and skirts. Um, no. I wear dresses and skirts bc I can't find pants and shorts that fit well. Yeah, folks can come up with all kinds of "things we need to do or fix in order to save our lives."

The thing I try to remember is that they are alcoholic and they are trying to help. It comes across as a slap in the face sometimes, but they are, indeed trying to help.

PaleMale

It's funny. I am a fairly well known atheist in the meetings I go to, and only once did someone give me the speel about "They were once like me" and eventually found god, etc. And this is clearly in the face of the BB chapters to atheists, which is filled with material. I just smiled, and nodded, and thanked them. People at AA share what works for them, and often believe that their way will work for everyone. That's not how it actually works, of course. "These are but suggestions..."

That said, what the person said to you, is the one universal in 12 step recovery. The "Surrender" is first step stuff. By surrendering, you give up the notion that you can drink safely. You have given up rationalizing your drinking and the damage it causes, and accept that drinking is hereon and hopefully forever in the past... and you are willing to learn how to be sober. That's all. My sponsor told me he would not accept me as a sponsee, unless I was 100% ready to never drink again.

At this early stage, some of us with less dramatic and obvious "bottoms" are in danger of comparing our experience with those who may have had heart-wrenching "bottoms" in hospitals, jails, cardboard boxes... And we are reminded to relate to, not compare, stories.

While it is solid advice, really, it can sure come off as superior sometimes, and it is not for them to say "you will fail" to anyone! Just take it in the spirit as someone trying to help.

aborkie

Life is too short to let those people bother you. Just forget about it.