twr123

Hi all.
The biggest reason I want to drink is due to loneliness. When I briefly had a girlfriend a few years ago I was happily able to go for long periods without drinking, because just the happiness of being with her was enough for me. But now I've got nothing - no family that I have any relationship with. No friends I'm close to or that I see very often at all. **% of the time I'm alone, and I really feel like there's no-one who genuinely cares about me at all. This is why drink is so alluring - it's the one thing you can rely on. It stops you from thinking too much or caring too much about how empty and lonely you feel. The obvious answer to this is "go out and meet new people" but I'm not in a position emotionally where I'm able to do that. Even if I were, I don't actually want the company of the average person I meet. There are very, very few people I like and get along with.

Anyone else in this situation? How can we replace alcohol in our lives without having other people to replace it with?

4llison

I can totally relate. I'm lonely. And I have lots of friends. They ALL use something continuously, so being around them, or even getting support from them is out of the question.

I'm not in the emotional state to make new ones yet, either.

So, I've taken up things I used to do. Reading. I'm painting the bathroom and doing little crafty things. A lot of netflix. I've even started meditating! I plan on starting to excersize when I feel better. Joining this board.
I hope the loneliness eases some, but in the meanwhile I'm just trying to keep busy. Honestly, I think I jumped into keeping myself busy a bit too soon while detoxing!

I'm excited to see what others have to say! I'm all up for ideas!

robgt350

i started to do things that i like in the end. i tried to cook new dishes i never cooked before and then eat them. most of the time they came out pretty good. and sometimes they did not.
allison yea i painted a room also. i tried to get back into exercising too. small steps though

Soberwolf

Build your strength in this forum and when you feel ready you can do it then !

080514

as someone who is more comfortable around others when I'm drinking, it feels like a double-edged sword, doesn't it? My suggestion, as others have said, is to find some things that make you feel better about yourself without the booze. Expand your mind (reading, meditation, posting here), work on your health (clean cooking, excercise, meditation (again )), distract yourself (movies, tv, painting, other), and maybe once you find something that really sparks your interest, you can work up the nerve to go out and do it in a classroom setting where you can find like minded people. It's not going to happen overnight, I struggle to get myself into social situations at any time... but maybe some of these steps can help? Lonliness is really rough, just remember that putting your head back into the bottle will only delay the inevitable help you can give yourself.

eta: my thoughts are with you, I can totally relate.

DisplacedGRITS

I haven't been lonely in sobriety thanks to AA. I made a lot of friends and now have a full time job so that keeps me busy. AA really helps. I'm my group's event coordinator so I'm always looking for fun stuff to do with people.

Weasel1966

TWR.... I am almost identical. I have no one to call or spend time with. If anything is a threat to my sobriety it is loneliness.

But I would seriously consider the good advice of soberwolf. I have found real friendship here on SR. People are good and they care. You can control the level of interaction since it's anonymous yet find those you click with and talk outside the forum.

As for how to handle things I am going to start two new groups I found on meetup . Com. I try to get out when I can. I don't have a lot of expectations but I will try. I am one who is ok being alone but only to a point and then I become very lonely.

Welcome to SR.

Ken

IOAA2

Hi. Many alcoholics have similar characteristics and will be overcome with work on our part. My work was doing things I didn’t want to like socializing as I’m still an isolationist at heart. I was taught to do it for my learning and self inner growth which always gave me a good feeling of accomplishment. This came about be becoming active in AA and going to many meetings without the common “I can’ts.”
It’s a great place where there are so many that readily identify and understand us.

BE WELL

Notmyrealname

I drank because I was lonely.

I drank because I was with friends.

I drank because I was celebrating.

I drank because I was mourning.

I drank because it was the weekend.

I drank because the weekend seemed so far away.

I drank because I had a job.

I drank because I lost my job.



I have heard and said many of these things, but after awhile I realized that those things are just how life is, it goes up and it goes down, and the cause of my continuing to get drunk all the time was because I kept planning and executing the plan of buying alcohol and guzzling it down.

ScooterBoo

I live alone, my closest friends are busy with their families, I am not close to any family members. I occasionally go out with an old friend who is a functioning alcoholic who is getting worse. I am friendly with people in my YMCA exercise classes, the town libary Board, some neighbors and my book club members. By friendly I mean going for coffee, going for lunch, etc. I am such a proud person that I act like I have a more active life than I do. I will drive 30 miles to a cinema so I am not seen going to a movie alone. I will not eat alone at local restaurants either.



I used alcohol to numb the loneliness - - I loved a buzz - - hated the horrible hangovers when I frequently went beyond the buzz.

ESD907

I'm lonely at times, and I'm with 3 children at home and a spouse.(who is away for months at a time). But I do understand there is a difference with you. Mine is more I don't have adults to speak with, you are in what feels like forced lonliness. I get it. It feels a terrible place to be. My advice: take it or leave it. IF I could go back, its what I'd have done when I was alone. I'd think, what is something I'd love to learn to do? surf? cook? learn French? cycle? then read abit about it, perhaps take a private lesson or two to not feel 'brand' new when/if you decide to join a club/course in said subject/task. I'm amazed at how many clubs there are for everything under the sun. You can even assist special olympians in your area,(its what I and my children are doing). And the biggest thing I learned, was I'm naturally shy and introverted, I embraced it, its who I am, I'll never be that person who walk in a room and the party starts. In fact, when I am at a party/event (where I don't know many) I make myself useful, helping the hosts--so I don't sit there like a statue. Or I go by the children and play a game, or an old person and chat. Much of it is truly knowing who you are and accepting it and finding a path for you. I ramble, I hope some of this makes sense to you.

Mountainmanbob

I have found those average type of people to make the best of friends


possibly
a one year zoo pass (get's the wife and I out and we enjoy it a lot)
AA meetings (many just like us there)
bicycle rides outside (fresh air and exercise relieves some of this)

MM

LBrain

One of the first things I had to do was to get over my ego in order to move forward.

IWillWin

Hi twr ....

As you can see, many of us relate to being lonely. For me, it's a hard choice but one I have to accept - my friends all drink and every gathering, outing or anything is fueled with booze. The few times I've entered into the fray, the anguish internally of being sober vs. joining the party is just not worth it. And I have a few years under my belt ...

I am working on accepting that in order to be sober I have to let them go. I can't live the life I had and have the life I want.

mfanch

I drank because __________________.

If I can fill this blank, I have an excuse to drink. I finally said "no more" and wanted to quit more than I wanted to drink.

Do you have a plan to quit drinking, twr123?

MIRecovery

When I first became sober I did not understand this friendship thing. I really thought that friends would just drop out of heaven or magically appear. What I learned is friendship requires action.

First and foremost in order to have friends you have to be a friend. You have to do things for people and expect nothing in return. I did not have f riends because I was a self centered SOB. When I started giving I started getting.

I also learned it was up to me to rebuild a shattered life. I had to put myself in situations where I would meet sober or normal drinking people. I go to AA, do service work, am active at church, and do volunteer work. I now have friends and a few real friends.

I still actively look for opportunities to make someone's life a little better. Sometimes it results in friendship sometimes not but that is not the point. Doing things for people is the right thing to do.

Friendship is also about being emotionally connected to someone. When you ask them how things are going mean it. Ask them about their life but it is a two way street. You have to be willing or be emotionally vulnerable and share how things are for you.

More than anything I find friendship is an action and it is my responsibility

nvguy

Hey TWR
You just wrote my story. When I would get into a relationship I would not drink because I was happy. I would loose weight and feel great and didn't even think about alcohol. When it ended I would go right back to loneliness and drinking. This is a new experience for me also. I'm learning a lot about living all the time without alcohol. I'm sorry I can't really help you much at this time, but your not the only one who is going through this.
Thanks for the story......
Nvguy

iam2antsy

glad i'm not the only one...i can totally relate w/ you. sad but true, i have no friends. not close to family. alcohol definitely covered up the loneliness & boredom. i'm trying to remember what i did before to occupy myself (i didn't have friends before i started drinking). right now i have plenty of little things around my house to occupy some time - it has gone to heck in the past 5 yrs.

dSober

Only a few million isolating drunks before you. Real simple solution. Get yourself to an AA meeting right now and keep going back to it and others. Go early, stay late, talk to people and tell them you're a newcomer; they'll love to see you. Get a Big Book there and start reading it.

Alcoholics Anonymous : Find Local A.A.

twr123

Thank you for the replies, everyone. I read all of them. Still feeling very lonely, but I feel a bit better that I woke up this morning for the first time in ages without gut pain and a feeling of regret. Looking forward to staying sober tonight as well and doing some reading or playing piano or something.